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Daughter’s Addiction & Grandkids

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: February 1, 2021, 12:52 PM

Thank You for your message. I loved the way you shared your experience and wisdom. I will take it to heart.
My daughter did go to an AA meeting and received her 24 hr coin. Today is Monday, it's the first day when she can sign up for her outpatient therapy. We are all encouraging her.

...BUT the grandparents are already running up to pay her rent. But I'm releasing the need to police how others respond to her addiction.Tired of being the Police of her enablers.
My grand-kids are still with their biological father, and we are helping him. The father is not the easiest person to deal with, his parents live next door and are dis-functional but nothing like the conditions the kids were living with.
Daughter still saying she needs time to de-stress and stay away from her kids and we are really pushing that idea with her.
So Day to Day.... Children's Services still have an open case, waiting on a return call they promised last week.
Message board is a nice place to feel not alone.

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: February 1, 2021, 9:49 PM
This message board is a LIFE SAVER!! Jeffrey R just remember that even if she messes up, it's still her choice. You didn't cause this (addiction), you can't control it & you can't cure it. All things your daughter has to do.

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: February 4, 2021, 2:34 PM

Thanks for your message.

We are Day 2 Day.... Grand-KIDS still safe with their father.
Daughter says today she is signing up for outpatient therapy, that was set up for her while in the Detox unit.. And the Child Protective Services finally called me back---and was willing to listen and keep investigating the case.
So my mind and body is able to take a break/rest.

Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020

Posted: February 7, 2021, 4:03 PM
So glad to hear your grand kids are safe Jeffery . It is a roller coaster ride but you are doing what you can and being there for your grand kids is a big deal. Pat on the back Jeffery , it may not feel like it but you are showing your love for your family. Stay strong and take time for you .resting your mind.( it becomes all consuming )so you can cope with whatever may come next. My son has strait out said he is not ready for any treatment. ( he has completed 3 months clean in the past year) But now has relapsed and gone back to his addicted girlfriend . The last few years have broken me and I now see its up to me to heal and put myself first instead of allowing my self to continue to be addicted to trying to heal my son. I hope the best out come for you . And keep planting those seeds . 🐝

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: February 7, 2021, 11:39 PM
Jeffrey - how well do you get along with the grandkids father? My word of advice is to not discuss what or how your daughter is doing or not doing with him. Just remember & remind yourself the children are safe. CPS is involved and if they file formal charges you daughter will be on a "probation" of sorts. The court will help her get treatment & she'll have to take drug test & parenting classes before she can visit the kids or hope to get them back. Use this time to help yourself the best you can! We are here for you

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: February 18, 2021, 11:26 AM
Thanks you * Wednesday and *mtnmom
Those words really helped me during a recent down moment.

Update; The grand-kids are still with the father. He and his family have been very supportive with me and my ex-wife getting the kids a day or two each week to give them a break. The dad and his family live next door to each other, which is a positive.

My daughter has visited the kids twice. Kids are 5 & 4 years old are healthier and seem happier with the new living arrangements.

My daughter has recently started her old pattern of trying to get everyone mad at a family member and to isolate each family member from one another. A divide and conquer approach then ask for money from each member, with different stories to each family member on why she needs money. So far only my parents have started the enabling pattern, my dad paid her rent. Then my daughter drove to their house ( an hour) to visit, which means they gave her more money.
The big money will be her income tax, $4000-$7,000 which she admitted was blown on drugs the last few years, within weeks. Soon the the 3rd Covid relief government check, estimated to be $4,000 will arrive in March. So I've been trying to explain this to my parents.That this money needs to be supervised if she allows it, since they tend to have her ear now, mostly due to their willingness to give her money.
No proof she ever went to inpatient therapy, maybe a few AA meetings. She and her boyfriend are both unemployed and isolating themselves just like before the detox week.
But the kids are safe and she seems willing to let them stay with the dad, she talks about getting them on weekends in the future. But with the crazy stories and trying to start up drama, all signs points to the same old addictive behaviors.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 18, 2021, 11:10 PM
Hi Jeffrey - Sorry you are on the roller coaster. It is a mix of emotions. I remember I have dreaded the income tax return for my son. He would usually get about $1000 back. It was always at a time when he could use the extra cash to pay a few things off, or bridge the gap between a seasonal job. He would say he'd do this and that with the refund. I would hold my breath waiting for it. He would get the refund, it would be gone in a week or two.

I have been be sick to my stomach at times over the past year when my son was collecting part time unemployment. On one hand I was glad he was getting something so I didn't have to enable him. On the other hand, he was not responsibly using the $ to help himself. I was angry about that. I had to mentally remove myself from those thoughts and try not to think about it.

I'm happy the kids are safe. You are doing the right things. You have initiated positive progress in your daughter's / grandchildren's situation. and in educating the family. your daughter can go thru this period for a few years. prepare for the best and prepare for the worst. and don't get stuck in the drama.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 18, 2021, 11:17 PM

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: February 21, 2021, 7:39 PM
She's not interested in recovery obviously because she left. If she was serious, she would have stayed. Then to be so rude and arrogant to you to demand her car. Wow. In my opinion and experience, you have to let go and let her live the awful life she wants to live. She'll lose her kids which will actually be a godsend IMO especially if the dad is a good parent. She is not. Its a harsh reality. I hope someday she will want to live a different life.

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: February 23, 2021, 4:20 PM
Thank you Sallyann....

Yes, unfortunately my daughter just talks the talk at this moment in time.

A positive note, the Children's Services caseworker has been calling me and seems like she really investigating the case.Willing to listen and document.

The biological father's main incentive is to eventually have 50/50 custody, and with that comes no child support payment. But he's slowly realizing that my daughter is not really wanting sobriety so he's a reluctant full time dad- but for how long?

Stay Safe everyone and thanks for advice and listening .

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: March 5, 2021, 10:57 AM

I hadn't heard anything from my daughter for a week. Slowly the text with all the things you as a parent would want to hear is gone..." Going to a meeting"... wisdom she would say that you hoped was coming from actual meeting attendances. Well that has all dried up...

So what comes next from her, Asking for help to pay her Rent for March- because neither she or her boyfriend have received their income tax refund checks yet- even though they both filed before me and I have already received my refund. So who knows if it's the truth.
I lied and said I didn't have it.
I don't know why I lie when I should just be honest and tell her I don't believe her.

The grand-kids are still with Dad and my ex-wife had them two days this week, so I was able to get them for a few hours each day. The kids did stay with my daughter last weekend overnight, nobody wanted this to happen; BUT the father and my daughter worked it out. So we were all nervous those two days. Guess it went okay.

So with her asking for money- it gives me that guilty nervous feeling again. Does anyone else get this feeling, and lie to addict about why you won't give the addict money?

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: March 5, 2021, 9:06 PM
I was not good at saying no. Definitely not a good feeling. Try to stay strong.

She is pushing buttons to see which ones still work! She will push all the buttons until one dispenses what she wants

Remember that she does not care if she takes from you or someone else. She will keep taking from who ever will give.

I used to try to make a deal but deals don’t work. It’s all a lie and you can’t prove anything. I remember the good behavior- just a game to get rewards.

The feeling I remember is the sinking pit in my stomach and life draining from my head and a weakness in my extremities.

I reached my breaking point when I was doing things I did not want to do. Ie, give him money because he spent all of his. Even $20 was more than I wanted to give.
I cared more about his life than he cared about mine.

I was not living my life . I saw that anything I gave or did to help my son allowed him to keep using drugs which was endangering his life and the people around him. Including endangering other drivers on the road. He did not care about my financial welfare. As long as he could get a pack of cigs, a bit of gas, a pay check, he didn’t care about anything else. It is a sad day when this is realized. The sadness and anger made me want to save myself.

Keep planting seeds, that is the best gift, but is not what they want.
Keep the same mantra going ‘go to rehab, out patient, meetings, sober living house’

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 6, 2021, 12:39 AM

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: March 8, 2021, 11:27 AM
Thanks, NY 2 FL
I like the mantra you talked about....

For the second weekend in a row my daughter has gotten her kids from the father. After the first night she called him and took the kids back because the stress was too much for her. Which i thought was good of her to recognize. However, that evening about an hour before bedtime she went back and picked them up. The next day my daughter left the kids with boyfriend while she went to the "Bank" on a Sunday morning. Going to the bank was always her excuse for needing to go get her drugs.
The kids were never to be left alone with boyfriend and she agreed to this with the father. The granddaughter 5, called my ex-wife in a panic, knowing something wasn't right with her mom leaving her and going to the bank. EX-wife calls father, so then the father calls my daughter. But no consequences for my daughter from the father.Now of course it's "just drama" from mom, according to my daughter.
So later that day i drive the 45 minutes to visit and to my surprise my mother is there, she lives over an hour away.My mother is a major money source for my daughter. So my daughter was getting money. Neither Daughter or Grandma mentioned to me that they were together.

Then last night my granddaughter texts me at 4 am, just scrambles letters.
So after one successful weekend with her kids it looks as if the roller coaster is back. Same patterns - we were hoping daughter could hold it together on Weekends. And we can't seem to get the kids father to completely step up- his own mother living next door is also disappointed he won't do more- enforce his own requirements....
jeff - ugh

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: March 8, 2021, 11:54 PM
Jeffrey, reading your posts about your grandchildren is very sad. They should never be in harm's way. Why the ex husband would allow them to be with your daughter perplexes me. Its traumatic for them and it's VERY unsafe and dangerous. Someone needs to step up to the plate and report your daughter and refuse for her to have them. I don't understand why everyone is tip toeing around when it's so obvious and critical her children should not be with her. I'm ready to call CPS if no one else has the courage to do what's right here. Its abuse to leave her kids with your daughter. Abuse and neglect.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: March 9, 2021, 10:12 AM
Hello, I think your daughter can live in the limbo that ‘everything is ok, as long as she keeps lying, everyone will believe it, or at least let me get away with it.’ This is a start. At least the addiction has been broken a bit. Maybe she has had a peek at reality. My son lived close by to us at a girlfriends house for two years, both medicated daily, lying about drug use the whole time. Getting prescriptions for stuff constantly. As long as he had the next job to go to, the next car -that we were paying insurance- that was supposed to be temporary, but over two years he did not get insurance. Yes we enabled it....

One idea that helped me was telling him that we can’t continue this because he needs to learn to be independent. Were not going to be around forever . Those talks did not directly change anything, but did help me to have something to say that makes sense.

My point is that this is a start, but can still go on for years and your daughters situation may become very bad before she decides to be sober. But if no one lets her get to that point, what you are seeing today may go on for a long time.

Good news - your granddaughter now recognizes a dangerous situation and is able to call someone she trusts. The behavior of everyone needs to change. But this isn’t a perfect world and you can’t control other’s actions. the ex husband should not have give the kids back that weekend. Your daughter probably went for a drug run then felt better and went back to the get them. I wonder why the boyfriend didn’t go out to the bank... reason why ex lets her take the kids - most likely resentful that he is working and paying child support and he has kids 100% while she contributes nothing. Yes it is not fair.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 9, 2021, 10:13 AM

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: March 9, 2021, 11:52 AM
Sallyann & NY2 Fl

Thanks for the reply and care in your responses.

Sallyann, I do have an open Children's Services case against my daughter. The social worker has been involved for over two months. I call every week with updates. Unfortunately they have not seen or have enough evidence for them to pull the kids away from my daughter according to our county laws (according to them). The laws are way to lenient to the biological parents in my opinion. The father started these unsupervised weekend visits, without any agreement from his own family or her family. So we aren't working with the easiest or smartest person, but he's what we have to work with at this time. It's like a perfect storm the family she picked for her family to have to deal with ..ugh
I too feel this is just the beginning of a long road- and the word 'limbo" fits perfectly at this time. Yes, we feel she went on a drug run to the " bank."

The recent conversation with Children's services is that they feel that eventually my daughter will stop doing weekend visits with the kids and move toward just phone calls and text. That with income tax money & Covid stimulus money coming that it will be a major turning point that will let us know what directions she goes toward.

I asked my daughter why she hasn't gotten her 30 days clean sobriety coin.Neither her or boyfriend are working and are always claiming to be going to meetings. My Daughter's response was they haven't been to their home-based meetings due to having the kids on Sundays. But the whole vibe she giving to everyone is not a person who is working the sobriety steps. But with $

Again- Thank you for your advice and encouragement.

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: March 14, 2021, 5:24 PM
I've just had a hellish week being manipulated by my daughter. Its so frustrating. We were talking 6 days in a row and each day I thought I was talking to a completely different person. I figure it depends on where she is in her addiction cycle. Its even hard to put into words how disordered she is. It makes my head spin. I FINALLY had to end the conversations. I told her I wasn't going to be hostage to her numerous, unending, don't know if they are real or not crisis upon crisis upon crisis. It's neverending. I heard or read recently a good definition of enabling, 'the neglect of self'.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: March 15, 2021, 10:40 PM
Hi Sallyanna,
I’m so sorry to hear of your daughter’s continued struggles. You have been going thru this for so long. I know from your previous posts you have done everything you can think of and haven’t given up. Keep the Hope that something turns her around some day. I wish I could think of something better to say..

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: March 16, 2021, 11:36 AM
Hang in there- try to take a day and forget about it all. We all truly understand. It's a constant grind against us. Get yourself some flowers. The addiction is so unrelenting.


Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: March 16, 2021, 9:29 PM
Thank you for your kind words of support NTF and Jeff. I know you know how I feel. It's very heartbreaking and I'm really spent. This past week has worn me out. I do need to take a day off and I love flowers!

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: April 12, 2021, 10:44 AM
UPDATE: Daughters addiction

The best I can explain the current situation is that ....
....it's like the "maintenance" addiction cycle. It's like she's taking a substance that allow her to appear to be somewhat sober/normal. Then the addiction cycle will slowly roar itself out again stronger and more destruction with each round of this cycle. That's the best way I can describe it.

I know my daughter is not living completely sober. No sobriety "coins" seen since her 24 hours coin ( January 30 ). Always excuses to why she doesn't have any proof that she's going to meeting or her outpatient therapy. She hasn't worked since the first week of December.

The Covid19 stimulus money and with her codependent boyfriend is back at work- the money has been trickling in, and it appears her rent is paid up to date.

My grandkids are with my daughter on weekends. We all monitor them when they are with her the best we can.

My mother and father haven't talked to her in a few months since they felt she wasn't working the sobriety program. This is a blessing since they were her last big money enablers.

It's the calm before the next cycle begins....

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