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Crisis Update

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 12, 2019, 7:22 PM
tonight I drove home from work in the snow. had to go in there was a conference going on and I am the tech person. many others did not go in. I ended up staying the whole day bc the weather was not good enough to drive earlier. sad. thinking about how many years my son has spent getting sicker instead of better. got home, went to bed.

also, when I suggested to my manager that I might take a snow day, he did not say OK. he said... well... idk... (he is not in the office - works from out of state) today, others email him at 2pm - saying - btw we are working from home..... so tired of being taken advantage of...

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Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: February 12, 2019, 7:25 PM
That sucks - I hate it when people hold us to a different standard than everyone else.

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Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 15, 2019, 8:15 PM
Update - after a month of holy chaos, my son did get paid today and gave me $300 without me asking. we will see what happens next. Life has been very bad here. I have been barely buying food, going to bed after work. mainly bc I had a cold or flu two weeks ago, and needed to pull back on spending. I was dreading his paycheck, prepared for more of the same behavior. time will tell if there will be a lasting change. Only if HE wants to put in the work for recovery. I am prepare to keep my efforts at a minimum. I have gotten to the point where I know there is nothing more I can do that I have not tried already. It is in his hands. When I got home from work he was not here. I assumed he was out spending the paycheck. apparently he was at the bank clearing up some collections on a negative account. nice effort, not getting my hopes up.

Thank you all for listening for the past two years!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 15, 2019, 8:18 PM

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Joined: February 16, 2019

Posted: February 16, 2019, 9:25 PM
My mother stopped helping me..now im 1 year clean because she used tough love. Just sayen.

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Joined: December 26, 2018

Posted: February 17, 2019, 1:21 PM
noott - Thank you so much for sharing. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

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Joined: November 9, 2018

Posted: February 17, 2019, 3:36 PM
Me too!

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Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 17, 2019, 10:42 PM
noott - I know you are correct. idk how to get to that point when he lives with us and asks for 'help' until the next pay check. I do keep trying to push his responsibilities off my plate and on to his. but he is not making it easy. I am open to suggestions. we have been suggesting places and asking him to leave.

2013 knew he was using pain pills. kicked him out at end of year - 2014 he got job in FL - said he would change. didn't. begin of 2015 came back home, got job. 2 months later car accident bc of usage. he went to first rehab 4months in FL , stayed in FL relapsed. 2016 2nd rehab and sober livng, still in FL - 5 months, relapse, end of 2016/2017 -lived 4 months on west coast w family - sober. early 2017 came back home lived w gf in addiction until early 2018 - local hospital detox and 2 week rehab - sober at home, iop, meeting, taking care of himself for 3 months over summer. relapsed 6 months ago.

he has worked thru relapses the whole time except for a few months at each rehab period.
we are not new to this. didn't know it would be so relentless.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 17, 2019, 11:03 PM

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Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 27, 2019, 11:09 PM
Update. I lost my job near the end of last week. my son had a tax return refund check. he was not home except to sleep. On Monday I left to a family's vacation home in the mountains. no one is here this week. its nice to be alone. I was mentally and physically at a breaking point. I was not too upset about loosing the job. I thought it might be temporary. It gave me the break I needed to get away. I told husband I feel relaxed. he said he does too. son comes home after husband goes to sleep. and husband leaves earlier than son. and I am not in the middle. I am not in the middle of the food situation. I need to gain weight. my husband needs to loose weight. maybe we can do that while apart! This is the best idea I've had all year!

since my son had a tax return check last week and a paycheck this week, idk how soon he will run out of $$. idk how long it will be before he surrenders. goes for treatment. or moves out. or is arrested (I have two clues that something might be going on with the police but I don't know anything)

idk how long I can stay away. my husband said to take as much time as I need. I am spending very little $$. LOL. its true. when 'they' stop hitting your wallet it is surprising how much you can hold on to.

I talked to person at employment agency today. he may have an interview for me later this week.... :( …. ugh.... not so soon!!

I cant pass it up. don't know when or if another will come around!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 27, 2019, 11:09 PM

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Posted: February 27, 2019, 11:31 PM
NTF I'm so happy you were able to get away and it sounds like you are enjoying the peace and quiet. I think you should stay as long as you need to. You deserve it!!!

This post has been edited by Sallyanna on February 27, 2019, 11:31 PM

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Posted: February 28, 2019, 2:53 PM
Glad you managed to get away, it does seem to cleanse us in some way, even if it is only for a short time, we should try to do it more often, I can’t wait for this weekend my addict is going away for the weekend, although I say he isn’t really any bother, sometimes when there there,I feel ime wondering all time what he’s up to, any way I’ll close on that

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Posted: March 2, 2019, 1:42 AM
NYtoFla ~
You and your son are both getting something out of continuing the dance...we keep doing something as long as there is some sort of payoff for us, however odd that sounds. In hindsight, I got the comfort of knowing I hadn't given up (until I did) and it fed some weird notion I had about what it meant to be a 'good' parent (which was not true).

You are afraid he'll be homeless, or dead, or arrested, or whatever...so you keep on doing anything, everything holding on to the erroneous belief that something YOU do or say will make the difference (it won't).

It IS possible to have a reasonably decent and happy life without constantly catering to your addicted son. It IS possible to step off the merry-go-round AT ANY TIME...at the time of our choosing...it is far easier than you can imagine until you do it, then you'll wonder why you waited so long and chose to deny yourself the life you deserve.

You are enabling him to no good end. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It is possible to love him to death. It is far more likely that he will continue using as long as he has the comfort of a roof and a full refrigerator...you are actually funding his drug use.

Reading your posts and all the activity you are engaged in trying to manage HIS problems with money, with drugs, with everything...you seem to think this is yours to solve, to handle, to deal with...it's not. Offer him the dignity of making his own choices (even if the choices are fundamentally undignified). Don't 'discuss' his moving out, make it happen...Give him a date, take his key, change the locks and tell him you love him and know he can do the next right thing. Period. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Be calm and loving in the face of his anger and dismay. LET HIM GO with love.

It's been a looooong time since I was a primary contributor here (2007 - 2013ish I guess), but I have not forgotten my journey or the lessons I learned. It took me 4 years to let go, but once I did we all got well. My daughter still thanks me for telling her she had to go, for not allowing her back after two weeks when she asked, for keeping her out once she was in recovery. Once I accepted that I WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM I understood we could never go back to where we had once been. You are part of a terribly unhealthy dynamic, but you can get yourself well. Once we get well and show them what it can be like to have that life, they often choose the same for themselves. Choose happiness...it's okay...it really is.

Peace ~ MomNMore (M&M)

You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: March 2, 2019, 1:26 PM
MomNmore: Thanks for your response and all of the 'Bump Ups'. My son was in recovery for several months in 2018 and 2017 and 2016 and 2015. He did make more progress than previous attempts regarding continuing meetings and support. once he relapsed we naively thought he could put the breaks on and make a turn around. for the past 4 months we have been doing the watching and waiting, encouraging recovery, sober living, also lots of yelling and 'get out'. watching it wax and wane. In past two months realized this is not going to stop on its own. myself being sandwiched between dysfunction of husband and son. I have realized my own weakness and limitations and have removed myself from the equation.

My husband seems to think I can live at home with son in house and not give into enabling - in the form of cigs, gas, food. How can I live in the house without these things. Husband goes to work early, and works overtime jobs and finds other things to do that keep him out of the house and leaves me holding the responsibility of what is going on in the house.

I lost my job a week ago which gave me the opportunity to leave the house. Husband is at home son comes home to sleep and goes to work. no food is being bought and I am not there to hand out cigs and gas. Son says he is looking for apt or room to rent. This can go on for another few months.

Of course I should not leave my home. but that is what people do when they can no longer live in a dysfunctional environment. I do not want to participate so I took myself out of the game.

I see clearly that my son needs long-term recovery within a support group such as a good sober living environment. Having one foot in and one foot out is not an option.

I need to figure out how to stay away from the house for as long as it takes.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on March 2, 2019, 1:29 PM

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Posted: March 2, 2019, 8:40 PM
NTF I think you are so aware of what's is happening now. I think your are smart for staying away from them to protect yourself. Sounds like your son is ready to leave soon and then maybe you can return home (if you want to?) I don't know about your husband. He sounds like an avoider then dumps all the responsibility on you which isn't fair IMO. Keep taking good care ❤

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Posted: March 2, 2019, 8:59 PM
Certainly you owe me no explanation...I've been periodically following a few folks on here and don't usually comment because you all have your thing going on and I've mostly moved on... don't want to be intrusive, just offering my experience.

I will say one last thing...anytime a parent is staying out because on an addicted adult child, that's a red flag. All 'reasons' to the contrary...YOU are leaving YOUR home to accommodate your son, who is an adult. Addicts are resourceful as he**...if he wanted to be gone, he'd be gone...if he put 1/100 of the effort into getting out on his own as he undoubtedly put into procuring and using drugs, he'd be in his own place by now.

I did at one time tell my husband I understood why he could not put our daughter out on the street, but that I could no longer be part of the sickness, so I would go live at my mom's until he could come to grips with things as they really were. It was not a threat, it was not said in anger...It was merely my truth and what I needed to do. He came around a couple of days later and agreed she could no longer stay. It was ugly, it was sad, it was a very hard moment for him. I handed her a list of housing resources for the homeless and halfway/sober houses for the recovering. She threw it at me and left. Oh well, her choice.

You'll know when you're done....you'll just be done and he'll be gone.

Peace~ M&M

You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

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Posted: March 3, 2019, 3:01 PM
I think it's important to remember we are all in different places. The first rule of psychology is meeting people where they are, as opposed to where they should be. We all have different personality types and temperaments and what may seem seamless for some people may be extremely difficult for others. The first step of change is awareness to what is true and I think NTF now sees the truth of her situation. Its a process and has its ups and downs.

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Posted: March 4, 2019, 10:17 AM
It is a crazy business being the mom of an addict. I still cannot believe all we have been through and where we are. I think the stressful aspect is that we have to save ourselves, without really knowing if our child will come along or dive deeper. So, once we achieve a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries, our child may still chose to go the other way. (Searing heartbreak). And, we have to let them go. (more heartbreak).

I am not sure where I am at the moment. A mixed bag. My son has always been an interesting character (since toddler years), in that you can take EVERYTHING from him, and he will still see it as a game to win. He will not give in, so to speak. When he was a pre-teen, I had all his belongings in my trunk and he still was defiant. To him, he wasn't going to break. Even now, he has literally nothing. And, up to a little while ago, he refused to change anything.

Not that it is everything, but a piece of the pie is definitely the maturing brain. It takes to mid-20s for a male to reach maturity, and drugs makes that wonky. I am seeing some maturity along with some recovery behavior.

He actually said to me yesterday, "I need a job because I have nothing", like he had just joined us in his life. : ) Like this was a serious revelation for him. It is so interesting how he seems to have awoken but he is still like 3 years ago in his thinking. He is discussing things that happened when he began using and working through them now. Which we all know from education, but so strange to witness.

The hardest part for me this month-My son is trying to change and doing better. But, he is grieving his losses-what he has lost from addiction, including how he perceives a lost of his personality and his memory. He even said that I warned him against all of it, and he would not listen. I am listening and trying not to step into the process, his process of grief. Of course, I am worried this pain will drive him back, but I don't have any control over this. And, it is good he is realizing that drugs took these things from him.

I have to celebrate though, as I am able to have conversations with him. I did get seriously tough on boundaries and pushing responsibility back on him, and that helped. But, part of this is really a mystery. I also started really listening (as I am lucky he is able to converse right now). The kid suffers with his own mind and always has and always will. It is his path to manage that, and he has choices to make. THIS is what always kept me in the game, playing with the monkeys. Because he does suffer. I changed my thinking to this last year and have been working on it: He has others avenues besides drugs and alcohol to deal with this. This took my guilt and responsibility away. I told myself that if he choses to use drugs and alcohol, I am OUT (because it is not healthy for anyone).

Another positive is he told me he intentionally has stopped asking for money because he knows it is wrong.

I mean, after so long, you start to see this as a painting in progress rather than a race with clear paths and endings. I guess, I have given up in a good way. I completely accept him the way he is. I guess I see myself more of as an observer and coach, than a controller or a mastermind (failed mastermind-ha). I don't know if that makes sense, but I have stopped the frenetic saving and managing and orchastrating. I see myself as just sitting and watching and listening in my own space.

Peace to you all.

EDIT: ANY PEACE I HAVE IS BECAUSE OF YOU ALL!! You have taught me, and I thank you.

This post has been edited by Parenting2 on March 4, 2019, 10:20 AM

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Posted: March 4, 2019, 11:04 AM
I don’t want to be a negative Nellie, but be careful when they share their newfound awareness with you ... don’t end up being manipulated. Them realizing what addiction has cost them and getting on the right road with a job and all that is not always easy for them to accomplish. They have to make a big leap to get from here to there and are sometimes not able to make it. They usually aren’t willing to do what it takes to get there. Then in jumps our desire to help! When they say that they will stop asking us for money, they may just mean that they will go at you from another angle. They might want you to offer money willingly. What will they do or say to get that result? Their suffering is hard to watch and hear. Their trying and failing is hard to watch. When they are trying shouldn’t we help just a little or maybe more if they are really trying .. over and over but not really going anyplace new. Next thing you know nothing has really changed except that you are poorer and your addict has been able to put off the inevitable by getting your help once again. I was once optimistic and supportive but I think it is all a game for them. We are the stabilizing influence in their lives but they need to take over that job at some point. I think it might be different if they are younger. Things could turn around and something could be salvaged. My son is now in his upper 30s and he started at about 13. Changes (and hope) get harder the longer they use.


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Posted: March 4, 2019, 11:40 AM
31yr old daughter is trying. This is such a slow process. I have to watch myself That I don't interfere.
I could feel myself wanting to return to the "Fixer." If only I help her get .....insert what ever would fix the immediate problem. Then maybe she can move forward.
Instead of doing that, I checked in with my therapist.
I am so easily manipulated by this kid ,I don't trust my own instincts.
She is doing better. When she starts being demanding.Im learning to back off

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Posted: March 4, 2019, 12:18 PM
Yes, bugginme, I don't think my intent came through in my post. I am not optimistic things will change long term. And, even if they do, he will battle this is whole life. That is what I meant by changing to painting a picture as opposed to a race. He is on his own. I am not giving any more money or resources. He knows this. I am an observer, more or less. What he makes of his life, is on him.

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Posted: March 4, 2019, 4:01 PM
Ny, never apologize for venting or posting. That's what we do here.

That being said I've seen too many parents enable drug or alcohol adult children hoping time and age would change their behavior. 'Well maybe this time' they'll get it, change etc-nope. Until the alkie/addict actually want to change themselves it won't happen. If he had gone to the hospital rehab to detox for you that would've been to appease you to allow him use of the house.

Also most alkies and addicts become good grifters because they constantly need favors and learn how play various people for money, food, shelter etc. They do play the long game/con. If they think they've got your number they'll use it/exploit it. Your son might be not malicious but his drug use has priority and will do anything to facilitate it.
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