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Posted: August 30, 2021, 11:51 AM
My nephew just turned 30 last week. On the same day my father passed away at 79 years old of dementia after a long battle.
My nephew has always taken the easy way out. His parents, my brother, married as teenagers, did not get along and barely managed to take care of themselves much less a child. Andrew had it rough, though he always had shelter, food, clothes and a loving family. My brother and my parents remained in the city we lived in for many years, while my sister and I, who are close in age but several years older than my brother moved across country and started careers.
Andrew has been enabled most of his life, particularly from his grandparents, my parents. He has never held a job for long nor held a drivers license. Much like his father, when the going gets tough he quits.
A year and a half ago, while temporarily staying with my parents, and continuously ignoring their rules he burned down their retirement home that had been in the family for 53 years, forcing them into an apartment. This, I'm sure, escalated my fathers decline.
The problem is Andrew still comes around wanting to borrow money. He steals from others, including his father (who has little). He lies continuously, cheats and resorts to physically hurting others to get money.
My mother has cut him out of her life. She loves him but can not forgive him at this point. My brother is the same.
My sister and I will not give him money, the continued enabling will not help. The problem is we do not know what to say to this adult man. We say no, but we honestly do not know how to help him. We feel he has to make the first move in getting this help.
Are we on the right track?
Posted: August 31, 2021, 2:37 AM
Yes I think you are on the right track. He has to want help and it doesn't sound like he's very interested. He needs professional help...you can't provide him the level of help he needs. You can encourage him to get it however it's ultimately up to him...his decision.
I know it's sad and hard to watch active addiction. He's 30 and needs to learn bad behavior has consequences. Sadly, his consequences have also affected other people. You sound very caring and he's fortunate to have you in his life. I hope he will get the help he needs and turn his life around in a positive direction.
Posted: September 1, 2021, 2:04 PM
You are on the right track. When he asks for money give him simple answers and suggest local addiction and homeless services in his area. “I’m sorry I can not do that... call or stop on at social services to get set up with health care, food stamps, housing.... etc.
I hope he stays away from your mother. It is awful to live on the edge of anxiety.
My son no longer lives nearby. I used to fear he would show up where I worked. Which he did once. And I had cameras in my house so I could see if he was at my house before I came home. I would leave work and go to the library until I knew he was not at my house. He would hang around after he got off work, but would leave before his dad got home. Waiting for me - the enabler...
Good Luck. Addiction is a tough road for everyone. So sorry to hear about your parents home. That is devastating. Another example of how addiction destroys everything it touches.
When talking about the pharmaceutical companies and addiction, the devastation they talk about does not come close to the actual toll on American lives and families and businesses.
Done with my rant.
Posted: September 2, 2021, 11:10 AM
Not enabling is the biggest thing which you have under control.
You are obligated to say nothing to him at this point except NO. Until he really really wants to change he won't. Addicts become like animals they go where they know they can find food and/or shelter. Sooner or later he'll move on. He's at that pivotal age because 30 isn't young or old but soon the drug life style will become his life because that's all he will know.
You are not alone addicts are notorious for burning parents, grand parents and/or other family friends for money and then some.
Don't wait for him to change. Until he comes back a truely reformed/changed person promises don't mean squat.
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