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Posted: August 22, 2021, 11:16 AM
Hi there. I just need to let it out I guess. I am deeply in love with a young man who I know is my true soulmate, my partner, my heart. In the past year that we spent together, we both grew and evolved as human beings, a man and a woman, as friends, partners, and lovers.
My loved one has a very complicated history of being physically and mentally abused as a child (by his own relatives and later — strangers), of being abandoned, living in group and foster homes and on the streets, etc. He has many scars on his body and he doesn’t remember where they come from. At least 4-5 years of his memories from mid-teenage years are GONE. There were several suicide attempts. He has learnt to block emotions and thoughts about the past, he has no hate toward those who hurt him (I am more angry at them than he is now), and he has a big and pure heart for someone who’s been exposed to horrible mind-altering things that I won’t mention here simply because I have to right to speak of private stuff in detail without him giving me the green light.
It’s on the streets and in the hands of manipulative men where he first found meth when he was just a kid. Many of his relatives are also using, and most of the people he knows now do it as well. Most of those who surround him since he got back from the streets through the social help program are highly dysfunctional.
NO ONE out there is trying to support him trying to get clean, and he lives with them still (trying to find jobs now and save for moving out or getting a car — which is DIFFICULT because he has a criminal record). People who hire him also use.
He knows it’s bad. He wants to quit. After years of every day use he now can manage going for 1-1.5 weeks without it, but then either someone does it in front of him OR he just can’t take the pressure any longer. Every time he tries to cold turkey and believes he can do it THIS TIME, and I see him hopeful, and then I see him suffer, and then he is depressed and hopeless, and then he is on it again... then periods of hyperactivity are followed by days of lethargy and guilt.
He hates it... but then I hear him speak of it as if it’s something that can be controlled, managed... Something that can be used functionally just a little longer... or just sometimes... Because “look at this guy and that guy — they’ve been using for years but they look normal, have houses and cars, and jobs, and their faces and bodies haven’t visibly deteriorated.”
I feel like meth is an entity, an actual demonic entity and not just some “substance”. It crawls under your skin like a demon and then it’s ALWAYS there.
He has never lied to me, stolen from me, or in any way abused my trust. In the beginning he hid only how MUCH he used because he was scared I would leave. Then we would talk, plan, open up about everything — the past, the feelings, the abuse... I do know that he is much bigger than any addiction and that this is not all his life is about — he is passionate about making things and creating, traveling, doing martial arts, living in nature. Never ever has he been mean or aggressive toward me, whether high, or coming down, or depressed, or anything else... But that thing has such a hold... and he just can’t seem to let go... even though the breaks of 1 week sobriety between uses look like a big step for someone who has been on it since 13 years old.
All that said, living next to meth drives me insane.
I feel like it’s in MY body now. It’s the first thought I have when I wake up, the first question when I see him, the first worry when we say “Bye”. It has already become my life. Invasive. Omnipresent. Even without me touching it. Throughout EVERY day and every night... multiple times per day... MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH IT. With it, specifically, ALL THE TIME. Like a nightmarish mantra that’s put on “repeat” and will never-ever stop... Because it’s too late... And it doesn’t stop with him anymore.
I think uneven if HE could stop at this point and do it completely... This nagging sensation and thought would always be in the back of my head and in my body like an unanswered cry or call — a possibility of abrupt ending of everything that is still alive, and real, and pure.
I’ve tried explaining to him HOW it feels being next to someone who uses and who you love so much. He seems to understand, but I think he is nowhere near knowing the SEVERITY of how it affects me, he can’t understand it even when he is sober.
It’s the first question, ALWAYS
No — it’s many questions
Because “We are Legion”
Is he here right now?
Or is he gone?
Is he high?
Is he happy?
Full of energy?
Will he stay up all day
and all night?
Or will he sleep until 3 PM or later?
Will he be drowsy for days?
and then hopeless again?
Is his heart racing?
Is his blood pressure so high that he is all flushed?
Is he dehydrated?
Can he eat?
Can he relax?
Are his hands twitching?
Are his jaws clenched?
Are his eyes glassy?
Is his brain affected to the point of no return?
Can he even hear me?
Does he think this is “nothing”?
Or that this doesn’t control him?
Where is he?
Will someone get him in trouble?
What if he ends up
in the wrong place in the wrong time?
What if people who know he uses
become angry or upset with him?
What if they betray him?
Why does he trust them?
What if he will never stop?
What if his body can’t do it anymore?
What if it will always posses him?
Why does he always go back to it?
Why can’t he be free?
Why is it so important?
Why nothing can substitute it?
We are trying to understand addicts, everyone speaks of it, but I wish there was some kind of message for them to try to understand us as well 😭 He always tells me to tell him everything no, to let all my frustrations and stress out WITH HIM... but I keep it in still... because it’s like we are on different sides of a huge gap made by the substance.
I now feel that the only way to get to him is to start using it too... or trying it so I know WHY it is so impossible for him to just let it go. But the mere thought of touching it makes me want to run away. I hate it, the culture surrounding it, the look of it, the people who make, sell, and use it, I don’t want to be near it, and I know that if this doesn’t stop, it can destroy everything we have now and every possibility we have of the future.
The hardest thing I’ve tried in my life was weed, I occasionally have a glass of wine or a beer, and sometimes I feel like smoking a cigarette. I don’t know what he is going through, I don’t understand what the hell is happening to his mind and body. I am well-educated in several areas that have nothing to do with biochemistry, but I’ve done extensive research on human body and substance abuse. I KNOW the theoretical part, all of it, but who cares? Knowing something with your brain doesn’t help in this at all.
I feel HELPLESS. That said, my partner is VERY strong mentally and physically. If I have gone what he has been through in his life, I’d probably be dead or in a mental institution by now.
If you’ve read to the end, thanks for reading. I understand that no practical help can be given, I just felt like saying it all out loud SOMEWHERE.
Posted: August 28, 2021, 12:41 PM
Hi Arrowswift I think it is good you have put your thoughts and feelings into written words. Sometimes writing it down and rereading it is helpful to us. I can tell you really care about him and worry a lot about him. He's been through much trauma in his life starting at a young age and it's continued for a long time. Now in a sense, he's taken over where the abusers left off. There's a term in psychology called 'repetition compulsion '.
I think you have analyzed him well. Now, take the time to write about yourself and your hopes and dreams and convictions. There really wasn't much about you in what you wrote...and I understand why. My point is we can get so lost in someone else's addiction that we lose ourselves. This is not healthy to do because we end up compromising, rationalizing, and accepting things in our own life we should not. The addiction takes two lives if we let it. Just some thoughts to think about.
I wish you well in this journey and I hope you will make yourself a priority and be as healthy as possible in all aspects of your life. Life is a gift to treasure.
This post has been edited by Sallyann on August 28, 2021, 5:35 PM
Posted: September 1, 2021, 11:37 PM
Hi! Try Smartrecovery.org lots of information and support for addict, friends and families.
If he is serious about quitting and wanting people around him who are supportive and not using, he can find a sober living or half way house. There’s good environments and not as good. It might be harder to find the right place that fits his needs, but try try again... the sober living homes have recovery programs, support people who are not using drugs or alcohol, some therapy, help to find work, etc. there are options, he just has to keep digging into what is available. If he is living at sober living you rest your mind a bit, he won’t be using.
It is true with using people all around him, it would be impossible to quit. People, places, things, He needs to move to a new location or at least move out of where he is into a sober community.
My son was in a free Christian program that was 3 months long, and then they helped with finding jobs and housing.
For about 5 yrs my son went to a different rehab/recovery program eech year. Sober a few months, job, housing, then relapse. Repeat. It is a tough transition going from using to sober. After the Christian program, he did not finish the program, he relocated away from our area, when to shelter, social services, lived in a long term shelter for a year, did odd jobs. We were no longer enabling. He was on his own. I think it took a year to get addiction out of his system. He then moved to another state and to a sober living house. He is doing well, still there after 8 months. It is a long slow process. Every relapse sets the clock back to zero.
Posted: September 19, 2021, 3:50 PM
This is a tough one but simply put until the addict really really wants to quit for themselves and not to appease others which sounds like what is going on here they wont. His enabling friends are definitely not helping but then again he seems to hangout with them probably to keep his supply line open as much as anything.
After a certain point a person has to take responsibility for their adult life. Can't keep on blaming not enough hugs etc.
Also be very careful with addict or alcoholic because they become very manipulative and good liars partly because they constantly have to 'ask' for favors. And with a substance like meth that makes them dangerous because it's a stimulant.
Keep in mind which I sort of see here is the earlier in life addicts and alkies started makes it tougher to change, quit, sober up because their intoxicated life & associated friends is all they know. They don't have a sober or 'normal' life to return to as motivation. They have to be sold on changing their ways. Don't wait or think a rock bottom is coming anytime soon either because their life is about their next high-it's a simple goal they strive for every single day.
Best thing is don't enable them with money or rides. Don't validate their behavior in anyway. They must know their drug use is not acceptable to you.
Good Luck, Stay Safe!
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