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2 Out Of 3 Not Bad ?

Posts: 1
Joined: July 20, 2021

Posted: July 20, 2021, 2:00 PM
Hi. I'm new here, not so sure where to start. I am a divorced mother of 3 adult kids, two of whom are addicts and one that makes bad choices. Needless to say, I never saw my life turning out like this, nor theirs. My boyfriend says I need to talk to someone and therapy is just out of my league right now, financially. So, I'm hoping to gain some positive insight in all this mess and learn how to cope with the daily heartaches.

I feel like I've lost my family. I'm lonely and I miss my kids. i miss their "real" selves, their attributes, the things that made them special because all of that is gone. They are still alive (thank God) but I have lost them, at least for now. I don't know how to deal with this. They live between 10 and 30 minutes from me and the two addicts i never hear from. We used to be so close and do fun things together. I rarely hear from my son, and my oldest daughter is so "out there" right now it's heartbreaking. I have a very close friend at work that just lost her 21 year old to an overdose and I have such anxieties and fears. I don't dwell on it, but it's the fact that they are wasting such good time of their lives (son is 43 with a family, daughter is 40, no kids and estranged from her husband.) There are so many horrid stories, almost too painful to talk about. I just miss my kids and I want them to live happy, secure, healthy lives. That's all I want, and honestly, I just don't know if that is going to happen. With that being said, maybe someone out there is feeling the same way that I can relate to. I've heard the saying that misery loves company, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I do think that it would be helpful I guess if I had someone to talk to that knows how I feel. I have read some of your stories and I have all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for being here. :-)

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: July 20, 2021, 5:28 PM
This group has not been very active lately BUT was a life saver for me. I didn't know what to do or what to say & it was beyond hurtful. Fortunately for us, my son did not live with us but tormented us & other family members via phone calls & text messages. He tried to con several people out of money & fake requests for help (only when he wanted something else - he never sought treatment).

He has been an addict since his 20's, he's mid-40's now. We were on an Alaskan 40th Anniversary trip for 3 months - this was a HUGE trip for us but that didn't stop butthead from calling us in Canada collect (International charges), incessant calls from jail, needing money, cursing us out, lying. He was in & out of jail from April to July because he kept violating a restraining order from a young lady who was trying to get him out of her house for 6 months. He was absolutely, 100% in a complete irrational psychotic, meth induced rage and he completely destroyed everything.

He finally got out of the area he was living in, got a job & is doing well. We still worry because he will always be one bad decision away from castastrophy. This group helped me alot because regardless of anything, the scenarios are VERY similar!! One mantra that helped me was YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN'T CONTROL THIS & YOU CAN'T CURE THIS. It is 100% on them. I don't know if you have a Narcotics Anonymous near you or if they have support for families, but check into that. Don't be afraid to call it what it is - you are not a bad person because your ADULT children are addicts. Call them on it & don't let them lie to you. Most of all come here, vent here, ask for support here. We won't judge you and will support you

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: July 24, 2021, 1:53 PM
When I needed therapy, I went to a local recovery center where they had services to help family of addiction. The rates were low and I had to pay co payment. It helped to talk to someone who is familiar with addiction.

It helped my to detach by understanding that everyone has a place or a path that they need to be on. It is heartbreaking to watch.

I always gave my son information about recovery, eventually he has taken responsibility for that on his own. 6 mo clean and living on his own far away from us.

If you can not do anything for them now, try thinking about the future. Something you can do now that might be helpful in the future.

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: July 24, 2021, 8:37 PM
Hi Jingleboots and welcome
Yes, we understand how you feel and you are not alone. I'm sorry to hear about your children and their addictions. For me personally, I too think after everything I have tried to do for my daughter, it is out of my control. I am here as a support for her (I answer her calls always or call her back, return text messages). The only financial support I give her is I help pay her storage unit when she needs help and I pay it directly to the unit.

I think it's important to focus on your life if you can. Its easy to get so wrapped up in their life we lose ourselves. So the addition (the devil) takes two lives. Don't let it. My daughter has many things going for her and she can't or choses not to see the way out. I know it's hard but how they are living is hard and for my daughter it's an awful life. They lose everything including their moral compass sadly.

There is hope because some do get better like mtnmom's son and Nytoflorida son. I hope someday I can say the same about my daughter.

I wish you peace and I hope your children will find their way too.

Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018

Posted: August 1, 2021, 5:07 AM
Hi jingle boots, sorry you are going through this hell, and mtmom is right, think ppl that will was active on n her few years ago, maybe moved on, I found it a really good place to come and check in, to hear other people’s stories, knowing you wasn’t alone, talking to someone is great therapy, or going to meetings, only thing I can say is as much as you want to help them and sort there life’s out, there is only them that can, took me a few years to realise that, what’s the saying your only as happy as your saddest child, even though my son has turned himself around, been clean nice new year 2020, I still worry about him, why I don’t know, he works been on a couple of holidays( when he could due to covid) , he’s never had a steady relationship, something else I worry about, but maybe he’s just happy been by himself, what we want for them is not always what they want. I do check now and again, but sometimes can’t get on to reply, like ok after yourself and you are not alone, just a hi to all ppl that I use to share stories with, and still do, when I can log in, my toy Florida , sallyanne , mtnmom, and others , that maybe have left the group, wishing everyone good wishes

Posts: 37
Joined: February 17, 2021

Posted: August 1, 2021, 10:42 AM
Hi sad eyes! Good to hear from you. I'm happy your son is doing well. I know you still worry about him because you love him. Take good care. Great to hear from mtnmom and NytoFla too!
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