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Daughter’s Addiction & Grandkids

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: December 22, 2020, 11:10 PM
My daughter is an addict (pills).
She has two kids, 3 and 5 year olds.
Anyone have any experience with grandkids and their parent’s addiction.
Her addiction has been up & down since before the kids were born. Boyfriend is also an addict.

Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020

Posted: December 23, 2020, 2:11 AM
Hi I don't have any grandkids in my situation. It's my son that Has the drug addiction. Are you looking after the kids? Living with your daughter and kids? It must be hard when kids are in the mix. I just wanted to say welcome and keep your strength up . 🐝

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: December 23, 2020, 11:44 AM
Welcome Jeffrey, I'm sorry you are here but this is a great place to express your concerns & fears and get experienced comments and no judgment.

My son did not have children either, thankfully but I do have grandchildren. Is your daughter putting the children in jeopardy by driving under the influence? Is she abusing them? Are they being fed, cared for, clean? Is she able to work? Are the bills being paid? She is lying, stealing from you & other family members?

My son was a Meth addict but managed to keep his job & house, but his life started crumbling a little bit at a time & finally EVERYTHING crumbled. He lost his job, got divorced, etc. He's doing very well right now but we always know that one bad decision could change everything again.

Please come back & tell us how your daughter is doing & how you & the rest of the family are doing.

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: December 23, 2020, 11:44 PM
mtnmom and Wednesday

It’s Year 5 of us recognizing her addiction.Each year, the lows are getting lower. Seems like early Winter to early Spring is when her addiction gets deeper. She currently has both kids, but family members are starting to slow down the money that feeds the cycle. But to our local Children’s Services the appearance of her life and house looks okay.
My five year old granddaughter, recently learned to FaceTime. This has given us a look into just how neglected she and her three year old brother are- adults sleeping in until 1-2 pm. Kids unsupervised while they sleep, or kids kept awake until 3 am then expected to sleep until 3 pm.The verbal abuse when the adults finally get moving around. The constant driving around they do, “going to the store.”
I’m Trying to convince her grandparents not to pay her Rent or utilities.No more bail outs.We need it to look worse, for Children’s Services to act. Sadly, we also hope they commit a crime and get jail time.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: December 24, 2020, 1:24 PM
My heart goes out to the kids. Unfortunately, I fear that the neglect will have to be extreme and possibly putting the kids in danger (worse than they are already) before children’s services can do something. As long as the kids are in the home, I think the grandparents will want to ‘help’. I can wholly understand the situation. My husband and I kept ‘helping’ our son, to keep life going, hoping he would ‘snap out of the hold addiction had on him’. That never happened. I remember the days that it hit home for me that my ‘helping’ even if it was a tank of gas and pack of cigs. Was keeping him in addiction. It is pretty sobering when that really hits you. I had to allow myself to admit that his current state of addiction, at that time, was my fault. And that I could and had to remove myself from that role. This is the step the grandparents do not understand yet. It is counter intuitive. It is the opposite of what anyone wants to do.

I think the best action for the kids is for other relatives to invite the kids over to their homes for a few days at a time. Spin a good happy tale about wanting to have the kids for a few days, no strings attached. Keep it going as a family effort so the kids are with the parents less. .?

Idk... ?

Try to give the kids a nice Holiday!

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

Posted: December 24, 2020, 10:06 PM
Jeffreyrunner welcome and I too am so sorry for your situation. I do not have granchildren. My daughter has been addicted to heroin for 5-6 years and has lost everything, is homeless, and lives in a shack with her older dealer, and a bunch of other people much like herself. Its very, very sad. She is 27 yrs old.

My opinion is the grandchildren need a hero to rescue them from the extreme neglect they are experiencing. Neglect is abuse and I think someone needs to intervene on their behalf. They are so young and innocent. A suggestion would be is to see a good family law attorney and find out what the laws are and the rights are. How to properly handle the situation for the best interest of the children. They are not capable of meeting the basic needs of these poor children. The children need an advocate to help them. I wish you strength and courage.

This post has been edited by Sallyana on December 25, 2020, 12:40 AM

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: December 27, 2020, 11:32 PM
JeffreyRunner - I worked at Juvenile Court for 12 years. The conditions from which children were removed were absolutely unbelievable!! Where I worked, children's services would not automatically place the children with a relative, something which drove the Judges nuts. But in all fairness they cannot remove the children from one home & place them in a home where there could be different problems.

But NO CHILD should ever be neglected & abused. Do you live in the same state? Same area? Can you bring the kids to your house for visits & sleep overs? If you feel your grandchildren are in imminent danger for not being supervised, fed, etc. & adults are sleeping, etc. call 911, especially if you see something during FaceTime that is wrong. It's even more scary when there are little ones involved.

Posts: 41
Joined: October 21, 2020

Posted: December 28, 2020, 5:25 PM
Hello jeffreyrunner, I'm glad you got some good advice from the great people on this site. I really hope you find some comfort in knowing that your not alone and you have people here to listen and advice that can help. It's a long rollercoaster ride and we are all trapped on it with you. Stay strong and keep your grandkids as the priority. They have no choice in this and need you. I have two younger girls as well as my son and they have to deal with so much . It's not fair but as the adult I have to prioritize them . Hard to do with everything revolving around the addiction. We are all at different stages in this addiction maze so your bound to find good people to talk to here that can so relate to you. Keep your head above the water and keep coming back here when you need to vent or just to hear others . 🐝

Posts: 74
Joined: June 14, 2012

Posted: January 19, 2021, 7:24 PM
Join Nar-Anon Family Group. They will support and guide you.

Safe the kids, they are in danger:

1. Trauma, toxic stress, and adverse childhood experiences permanently change a child’s body and brain, which can have serious, lifelong consequences
2. They are exposed to the risk of accidental poisoning with drugs, since I'm sure, they are laying around the house. They can get poisoned via the vents in the house inhaling the smoke, leftover powder, needles, etc...

Help them.

Posts: 74
Joined: June 14, 2012

Posted: January 19, 2021, 7:34 PM
Kids are at RISK

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: January 22, 2021, 9:26 AM
Thank You all for your response.
This message board has given me some comfort, and good advice.

Children's Services were called (again), they did their visit. Protective service will not share any information, only with custodial persons and biological father. But according to my addicted daughter thru texts everything went great. WITH Children Services everything must be so extreme before they step in, I'm afraid.
So now my daughter is keeping grandkids away from me. Along with other threats. So I have only been able to talk/ Facetime with granddaughter once in three weeks. Ex-wife has had a few more contacts. I have been dropping off things to grandkids at the porch, and see kids thru the window, and wake up the addicts.

A friend (his family is friends of ours) of my daughters, out of the blue reached out to me and my ex-wife. He has been sober for one year, and wants to have an intervention for my daughter. This a past user with my daughter and someone she might listen to- he informed us that she is snorting heroin. That he is witnessing her beg for money and recognizes that she is "Dope sick."
ANY ideas about intervention process...?

Posts: 74
Joined: June 14, 2012

Posted: January 23, 2021, 12:06 AM

Can you get in touch with Nar-Anon Family Group in your area? You can google it, just copy: Nar-Anon Family Group into the google search.

They will be able to help you. It will just get worse for the kids.

I'm a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). CASA volunteers are sworn officers of the court appointed by a juvenile court judge to advocate for children who are living in foster care as a result of abuse or neglect.

Posts: 74
Joined: June 14, 2012

Posted: January 23, 2021, 12:16 AM
My daughter is an addict. We are taking care of her daughter. Our granddaughter is safe with us.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: January 23, 2021, 1:18 AM
It is so complicated when kids are involved. My son does not have children.

When my son was using he would not admit he was doing anything wrong. ‘Everything was fine he just needed more money.’ Each year he did not consider rehab until everything was gone, job, things housing car. He would keep going as long as he had job and a car to get to the job. The last time he lived at our house was about 2 yrs ago.

That is the difficulty. You can’t help the kids without enabling your daughter. I found that I could not detach and stop enabling while my son was living in our house. It is kind of an all or nothing situation.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 23, 2021, 1:21 AM

Posts: 209
Joined: November 10, 2019

Posted: January 23, 2021, 2:38 AM
I think your daughter has a long road ahead of her which is typical for most people with an addiction. In the meantime, the kids are in their developmental years and they really need help now. Sadly, mom has other priorities and it's not them. I hope you are able to intervene on their behalf. Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It's very hard.

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: January 25, 2021, 1:08 PM
Thank you all again for your caring and help.

Bad news;Children Protective Services closed the case.
Good news; my daughter bragged to her best friend about how she proved her dad was wrong. Her old best friend, was not much into my daughter's life the past few years due to the addiction behaviors. The friend started asking around and then got her own brother(a recovered drug user, one year clean) involved.Together they formed an intervention. My daughter had done drugs with the best friend's brother in the past,we know their family real well; she wouldn't had stayed and listened if it wasn't for him.So we had an intervention.
It worked.
My daughter is three hours away in detox for a week. Then we hope rehab. Taking it one day at a time. Kids are with biological dad, and he is allowing me and my ex-wife to help with child care this week.
It's a step, she admitted it all, the enablers heard the truth. She's Detoxing now, and hopefully wants rehab. I realize without the rehab, this detox is just a break.But maybe, she will come back to us after rehab after years of addiction. She is 29 yrs old with a 3 yr. old and 5 year old. A users of some kind since the age of 16 she stated.
SATURDAY was first day she ever told us the truth...
************Any advice on next step is welcomed and needed...

Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018

Posted: January 28, 2021, 6:53 PM
OH JeffreyRunner!!! That is a fantastic step! And one in the right direction. I'm don't have any experience with intervention or detox except maybe contact Narc Anon online or another recovery group for you & her mother to help you set boundaries, know what to expect & what is okay & not okay! Good luck & best of wishes!! I hope she's done & ready to start living the life she deserves (and her children & family deserves!)

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: January 29, 2021, 12:07 PM
OMG! Fantastic! What a relief!
I bet you are sleeping much better knowing the kids are safe!
Expressing tears of Joy for you and your family!
I am so grateful to human beings that reach out and help each other!

It is a step, it is a seed.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 29, 2021, 12:10 PM

Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017

Posted: January 30, 2021, 5:11 PM
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Day 6 of the 7 detox, she left. Out of the blue my daughter secretly started texting friends, then BOOM, suddenly the “you have 4 hrs to deliver my car or I’m calling the police “ that was her first communication with me. Her mom also got the same old blame game text. We were organizing the 3 hour drive to get her the next day.We had her a rehab bed after days of searching.

Now suddenly she trying to play us, like she is going to outpatient therapy. And meetings.... you know everything they know you want to hear.

+Positive; seed planted. All the family now realizes how bad the addiction is and the kids are with biological dad for now. The dad is letting us help him, but it’s a day to day situation with everything.
We consulted with a lawyer and supposedly the father also consulted with a lawyer.
But for now kids are safe and my daughter says she needs time away from them.

A friend reached out to go to a meeting and with my daughter; she accepted, but didn’t show up.
Roller coaster

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: January 31, 2021, 3:58 PM
Wow! Jeffery - you may see Day 6 as a loss but overall it is actually a win!

I am only able to see it this way bc of the years I have been thru this with my son. Each time there was a little progress, I saw that I was needed less and more responsibility could be put in his hands, not by me telling him or doing, but by me NOT doing, not being a part of his daily life. It did take him the last two years to get to a better spot. The first year 2019 was still a mess, the second year he lived at a shelter and eventually got tired of his environment. who knows how long it will last. I can tell you that every time my boundary line moves closer to him and farther from me, I feel more independent and know I can expect the same from him. it is a win-win.

My son is 31 and has been addicted since about 24yrs old. in the years 2015-2018 he went to rehab about once per year. so he was sober for a few month out of each year. in 2019 he was sober the most but relapsing. in 2020 he relapsed and went to detox several times on his own. I was so relived he was going on his own. that shows self awareness. maybe the longer periods of sober time helped him.

It is hard to explain but using your situation as an example: before you were afraid - now you know that detox is a possibility. You now have a response when she complains about life and wants something from you. your response can be "Go to Detox, Go to Rehab". Instead of it being a wish, it is now a possibility. Try to stay out of her drama as much as possible so you do not become the enemy. you want the addiction to be the enemy.

Hope this helps! Good luck with the kids. It looks like a slippery slope.

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