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Fiance Substance Abuse Gives Me Anxiety

Posted: April 22, 2020, 12:13 PM
Hello everyone. I am in need of help and advice. I love my fiance so much! He however drinks and smokes and uses tabacco every night. It's the alchol that mostly worries me and I've put my foot down so many times and begged for home to stop. He says he'll get help but doesn't. He works as a chef so long stressful days and his body is always in pain. He lives his work to much to quit. Alchol abuse runs in his family so it's normal. When he starts vomiting multiple time a week from drinking he agrees he needs help but disagrees when feels better. I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a sister with cancer so vomiting really triggers anxiety. I don't want to keep reliving the memories and fear of my future children turning out to be him out go through what I experienced as a kid. He said he'll change when we have kids but I can't believe his word. He also has a bad temper of throwing things and punching. He gets aggressive with me when mad but only accidently. I am very small and easy to hurt. Any knowledge signs of auction to look out for or coping methods for his anger.

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Posted: April 23, 2020, 7:39 AM

We are moving your post to the Families/Partners of Addicts. There are people who know what you are going through and can share their stories and advice.

- the moderators

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Posted: April 23, 2020, 10:15 PM
Hi Bri, sorry you are going thru this & this chat is very helpful for all of us dealing with a child or partner with addiction problems.

First, this is one thing I must remind myself of: YOU didn't cause this, YOU can't control this and YOU cannot cure this. The only person who can correct his bad behavior is your fiance. I see several major red flags - most dangerous is his bad temper, throwing things, punching things & getting aggressive. He is scaring you, threatening you & you are living in fear that you will be hurt physically but he is already hurting you emotionally. He lies to you & then threatens you. First & foremost - you need to get out & protect yourself! Basically he can act any way he wants, talk to you as bad as he wants to, threaten you, intimidate you & by staying there & not taking a stand you have shown him he can treat you with such disrespect & you don't care enough to leave. You should not be the person having to cope with his anger issues.

Now taking a stand is definitely the hardest thing to do - it will be changing your whole life but he's not going to stop because he doesn't have to. If he truly loves you & knows he is going to lose you unless he shapes up, he will. Since he doesn't believe he has any reason to clean up, he's not going to. There is no consequence for his behavior.

Get yourself in a safe place & work on your own insecurities & fears so you can trust him. And then see what he does for himself. He has to do it for himself. Continue to post here, we've all gone thru a lot & continue to have ups & downs. Good people are here for you, you can be completely honest & not fear criticism. But we will tell you how we see it.

Good luck Bri, I wish you the best

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Posted: April 25, 2020, 8:31 PM
Bri it's good you are reaching out. My opinion would be to really think about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. No relationship is perfect of course because we are human. I do know that relationships which have any of the three A's are very unhealthy: Addiction, Affairs, or Abuse...yours has not just 1 but 2. Addiction and Abuse. It is your choice and I would really give it some thought and maybe talk to a professional about it. I wish you all the best. We all deserve safety, peace, and happiness.

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Posted: April 27, 2020, 8:30 PM
Hello Bri,
I agree with the other posts. Is there a coping mechanism for Anger or Abuse, Do not live with him. I have had years of worry, financial problems, anger, sadness, fear at the hands of my son's addiction. We finally realized there was nothing we could do. If WE could do anything to fix it, it would have been fixed in year #1 not year #6 or 7. If all of our help and enabling could fix it, it would have been fixed. he will always have a reason to use, anger, pain or stress or anxiety or depressed. all of those symptoms are from the drugs.

he has been in recovery for the past year. We went through a very ugly time a year ago before he went to recovery when we had to ask him to leave our home. a year later he is living on his own, not easy, he went to recovery center, shelter, homeless hotel, is waiting for low income housing.

Figure out how to save yourself now before it gets very bad and more difficult to leave.

You can still see him but live separately. That would be best for you. You need your own safe place.

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Posted: May 6, 2020, 2:00 AM

First off, I want to acknowledge you and your courage to reach out for support. Not too long ago I was in your shoes and I stumbled upon this forum. When I found this forum, my former fiancé and I were in a relationship for over three years. The last year and a half we really made a commitment to give it a go, he stopped drinking, we moved in together, then I got pregnant and we got engaged. When the holidays rolled around, he relapsed hard and I ended up miscarrying. This of course only sent him into a cycle of more drinking to cope with the grief of the loss.

The saddest part is I too grew up with alcoholism and addiction in the home and actually made a vow to never date or marry someone who is an addict. And then I actually met and fell in love with an alcoholic. The trouble is despite him knowing my childhood and how painful it was, he was and still is so caught up in his disease and narcissistic patterns of behavior that he will make an excuse for his behavior. My guess is your partner does too and or he tries to normalize his behavior/drinking.

My former partner would always say things like, “what is wrong with wanting a glass of wine with dinner, like a normal person?” Or “I just want to be able to have a beer with the family during Christmas, what’s wrong with that?” You and I both know that nothing is technically wrong about wanting a glass of wine at dinner or having a beer during a family get together, the issue is they can’t just have one and that’s what’s not “normal”. This is why alcoholism is a disease.

If your situation is anything like mine, your guy is more than likely very caring, sweet, and is a great partner in a number of ways but he’s got this one thing that he can’t shake that creates the feeling of powerlessness and unmanageability in your life. Given your upbringing I imagine your partner’s behaviors not only trigger those childhood traumas and wounds, every part of you that desperately wants to feel safe is dissolved every time your guy chooses to drink and/or use. I know because I have been there. I have suffered in silence, lost a baby, and depleted myself mentally, emotionally and physically until I literally ended up in the hospital because I was so run down and sick, I nearly lost my life and had to drive myself to the hospital because he was too drunk to.

As much as we love the qualifiers in our life, the truth is we have to love ourselves more. We have to be willing to stand up and advocate for the inner child inside of us that didn’t have anyone to protect her. I recommend if you haven’t already to seek support through Al-Anon, ACA, and or CoDA. Without Al-Anon and the lovely humans on this forum, I wouldn’t have been able to gather the necessary strength and hope to leave a very unhealthy relationship. Set your boundary with your partner. If he is unable to commit to his own recovery/sobriety, at some point you will have to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life in fear and live the kind of emotional roller coaster ride alcoholism and addiction creates.

I know it may seem impossible but set the intention for yourself to create a vision for the kind of life you want to live, get clear about what you want and deserve, and then make a plan toward taking care of you. I know it may seem counter intuitive from how you were raised; taking care of your loved ones and feeling empathy for them, but no one is going to save you but you. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it is the ultimate form of self-love.

Im still in the early stages of my Al-Anon recovery and it’s only been a little over three months since I left my partner. The journey is long, so be kind to yourself as you figure out what you deserve. And please remember- you don’t need to figure it all out today. But if your life or your safety is in jeopardy, please reach out to someone- ask for help. You’ll be surprised by the supports that show up. Here’s to taking care of you. Sending you prayers & hugs.

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Posted: May 6, 2020, 5:28 AM
Awesome post Hopeful!
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