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My Boyfriends Addiction

Posted: January 6, 2020, 8:13 AM

I'm looking for advice. My boyfriend is a recovering cocaine addict and each day is a struggle. He has got himself (and consequently me and other family members) into so much debt because of coke. I'm living with him and "keeping an eye" on him to make sure he doesn't slip up. I'm worried about this weekend though as I have to go away for the weekend and he will be left on his own. I'm certain he's going to tick some again. Is there anything I can do (other than beg, plead, threaten to leave him) to make sure he doesn't slip up whilst I'm away?

Also, I'm from the UK, what is the best treatment options for addiction? Rehab is so expensive and we just can't afford it :(


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Posted: January 6, 2020, 9:32 AM

We are moving your post to the Families/Partners of Addicts. There are people who know what you are going through and can share their stories and advice.

- the moderators

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Posted: January 6, 2020, 9:37 PM
Hello Tia,
Here is my short answer to your question. You can not constantly be on High Alert watching your bf actions to see if he is using. If he relapses, he will be able to hide it for a bit. Only drug testing him will tell you if he is using. this is quite a burdon for you. do you have nothing else to do with your life? Are you supposed to stay home forever, and worry that if you leave his side, he will use and it will be your fault? You can see the craziness. When ever we do this we think it will be temporary.. You can put your own needs aside temporary but not for the long haul. We have all been to the cross roads you are facing.

It is almost impossible to live with an addict. ditto for those in recovery. They need people who know what they are going through and know how to handle it and know how to council them. Those people are not us, family member and loved ones.

We have been thru this with my son, over and over, year after year.
Each year he goes to rehab, does well for a bit, relapses, repeat.
Each year somethings get a little worse, some things get a little better. I think he learns a little more about his addiction, and we learn a little more about not enabling and needing to detach so he can be independent. It is very hard to watch without jumping in with 'helping'.

In the past few months I have seen my son's biggest set backs and have also see the most independence. the hardest part is to tell him " no you can not live with us. it is for your own good and our own sanity" he has done OK on his own for a few months, now we have to be careful not to reward him, any rewards will trigger the co-dependency behavior on his side and on ours. He has to learn that even if he only has $20 it is his independent decision to spend it on food, cigs, savings, or drugs.... If we rush in to pick up the loose ends, he will not learn.

My best advice is for a recovering addict to live in a GOOD sober living environment. In that environment they have access to meetings, counciling, rent is inexpensive, trade school or educational classes, job opportunities, peers who have gone thru similar life experiences, 'brothers' that look out for each other and keep each other accountable for their actions.

I know they don't want to live in a sober living / half way house, my son does not want to either... there's too many rules, etc... but that is what they need. If one program does not work out, find another. there are many free, low expense programs.

my son did not want to go to a sober living / half way house. he is living at a shelter, there is a program he is working with to find housing, classes, and job.... I think he does best with the least amount of our interference. We just spent a lot of time with the family over the holidays. It kind of put his 'homelessness' on hold... I know it must be hard for him to go back to the shelter, and he might want to drag us in to his everyday circumstances, we have to keep the distance. After 8 months of my son not being home and feeling like he is sober and on the right track, I feel the 'Fog' in my brain lifting. I am determined not to get pulled into my son's life. I have a few years left to be working and I want to be the best that I can be. It is a tall order. not easy at all.

hope this helps! sorry it was not short!

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Posted: January 6, 2020, 9:38 PM
Hi anon im also going through this but with my own child. You can beg,plead,cry,threaten (as i have tried it all) to no avail. My son has put me in so much debt also because of his habit, it truly is heartbraking,the lies,deceit,promises. The truth is if he wants to get it he will regardless if you are about or not. I have no advice im afraid as nothing i have tried so far has worked and will not ever work until he wants it to. I wish you the best of luck. If you would like to talk im here,im also from the uk

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Posted: January 6, 2020, 9:50 PM
Options for rehab: Local hospital. Local programs. More available for the homeless who are willing to live in a shelter situation. There's more available than you can see on the surface. It takes time to find a good long term program. your bf has to get up each day and go to local recovery center (if there is one) keep appointments and stay sober. there is more available for out patient.

my son was in jail, then bc he was homeless he was able to go to a Christian based rehab not too far away. I learned that they also have a shelter where men can stay even if they are not in the rehab program.

keep searching for sober living / half way housing. two types - one is affiliated with a rehab where people have to go thru the rehab to be placed in to half way housing. these are more reputable. 2nd kind is run independently. probably more freedom, not as much programs, basically can be sober individuals living together.

when you bring up sober living he probably wont like it. you have to make it sound like it is best for him, or best for you to have a break without worrying about his well being.

PS a year ago my husband and I went away for a few days, I think my son turned the house into a crack house. He cleans up really well, so I don't have any proof and don't know the extent of his partying, but there were a few clues. probably worse than I could imagine. we have gotten inexpensive cameras since then. and he is not living at home.

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Posted: January 7, 2020, 1:37 AM
NytoFlorida, Funny you mention the addict is a good cleaner. I think he's good because he's been trying to cover up or hide stuff for so long 'cleaning' is second nature. If only the addicts could put as much time and effort to sobriety as they do covering up their behavior. It's work to put on a contrived front or stay in a different character. But that's the problem they spend so much time doing what addicts do it becomes second nature. Also shows they can think about what they are doing.

To the OP, unless the addict really wants to change they could slip up. Hopefully they are trying to stay sober for themselves and not to appease others. Also stay safe cocaine addicts could get aggressive or show a temper.

Good Luck.

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Posted: January 13, 2020, 11:44 PM
Gosh, how awful to basically be your boyfriend's warden. It must take so much of your time and energy. I would ask you to really consider what you are getting out of this relationship.

There is no magic bullet to controlling someone, because you cant. You control you, he controls himself. And you have to decide for yourself if this relationship gives you the support you need.

I really do feel for you. I've been in similar situations, especially when my children were teenagers.. how maddening tho when the person you are trying to keep from spinning out of control is supposedly an adult.

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Posted: January 14, 2020, 12:19 AM
Anon - TIA - try they are an online and in person meetings / recovery program for addicts and family. I looked into it a few years ago. they did have some programs in the UK and had some materials such as reading material, workbook... the website was an eye opener as to how dangerous addiction is. Also that there are many avenues of help - a person has to find the ones that work for them. Hope you are doing better !

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 14, 2020, 12:25 AM
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