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Posted: February 9, 2019, 9:58 PM
Update - still in crisis. son is still denying drug use, still spending pay check. I did tell him 2 weeks ago that he needs to give me $300 per paycheck, or leave the house. (it still leaves him with too much) Last paycheck he did give it to me, but spent the rest by sunday. now broke for 2 weeks. 100 I paid payment on 2 cred cards, $200 I held to give him during 2nd week before paycheck. mid week he gave me a story - wanted a little more $. next day a little more. needs gas... 200 is gone still have a week to go before the paycheck.
we have been suggesting he go to hospital rehab for a few weeks, detox..... he wont hear of it - his persistent thoughts are 'worse when he is sober' … we suggest correct dr, etc. he says no. they don't help. he says the 'medication he takes is the only thing that helps' (kolonopin I think)
we keep saying he cant live here. we cant live like this. he has been mostly calm - but there was 2 days he was angry, probably craving, suicidal, this is the part I can not stand. not knowing what is going to happen. not wanting to give in to anything, but being put on the spot and would rather he leave the house than deal with his nagging behavior.
we talked today, he was calm and dad was calm. he seems to understand everything we say, and has a little remorse.... but then got up, got the computer, and left. came back hours later, showered and went out. I think we are on a lie, lie, repeat cycle. idk if anything sunk in. we will keep at it. hopefully he will leave or go to detox. it comes down to those two choices. we have done everything else.
today is more calm, he pawned computer, has money to take a girl out (lie?), he is out and I can rest. I don't even care about computer anymore.
I am reading my post as if it was someone else's. I don't think he has any intension of changing. he just needed money to get 'meds' for the week. then will get paycheck, more self medicating..... tax return, more 'medication'.
when he went out he said he would not drink and drive. I forgot to tell him not to self medicate and drive.... oh, wait, the last truck wreck he said he would not be driving that night.
OK - I Failed ! !! - I give up !! Take me out of this game, I quit!
my husband and I just want to be alone. we spent the day in different parts of the house bc if we are together we talk about it and husband gets more and more angry - frustrated.
the financial bleeding is too much. take take take.....
we know he is mostly lying. we just want peace and give in bc we hope he will decide to 'do the right thing'.... it is true the more we talk, he does hear a little. maybe we have to keep talking even if we don't think he is hearing.
I feel like there's 4 people living here, mom, dad, son and addiction.
sorry for venting so much. the drama continues. I could read back in my past 6 months of posting and have probably said the same stuff. we are recognizing this, just cant figure out what to do. I want to point him in right direction so we can get him out.
Posted: February 9, 2019, 10:51 PM
So sorry NY2FL..... you are not wrong for wanting YOUR life back, for wanting to protect your own sanity & your own future.
Posted: February 9, 2019, 11:27 PM
thanks - I think the financial bleed is the worst part of it. It has also sucked the life out of us. we have no room to think of happier things. we keep thinking of things like - can we sell house, buy an RV and leave? some day we will be on a beach alone... these are the thoughts that get me thru the days. but decisions we are not prepared to make.
I feel like others who have gone thru decades of this. most have done what we have done, reaching our breaking point over and over. If I knew years ago this would still be going on..... I just did not believe it would...
what a learning process. knowing what our family has gone thru makes me firm in giving advice to others, but none of my advice helps me. I suppose it does to some extent. there have been small improvements, but not really enough. yet keep hoping we will find something to fix it.
how can we get him out of the house - my husband wants me to stop buying food. It will just make everyone angry. I don't think ice cream or chips is the enemy here.
as it is I feel like the only dinner hunter gatherer.... every day almost in tears as to what to make or buy for dinner. while the two of them sit and wait for me. I cant prepare something nice, that would be too good and make son want to stay (husband's thoughts)
husband is resentful of feeding son. decides that he does not want to make dinner bc he does not want to feed son. maybe husband thinks food is a reward and does not want to reward him.
but he spends hundreds on fixing the car... yes we want him to go to work, save his $$ and leave.
thanks for listening!
This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 9, 2019, 11:32 PM
Posted: February 10, 2019, 2:30 AM
I don't have any advice, but just want you to know I'm listening and I would have done all the same things. Hard to be the peacekeeper of the home. Calgon, take me away ...
Posted: February 10, 2019, 5:06 AM
It's so hard NTF ....It really is. I couldn't kick out my daughter either until she left on her own accord either to detox or to get her own place I don't even remember so much has happened since then. Then when they're out we worry about them and we get the phone calls of crisis and statements we don't care about them or we've abandoned them. Its a parent's worst nightmare addiction is...
Posted: February 10, 2019, 8:25 AM
sorry for all you and hubby are going through, I am not very good at the advice thing either, but always read people's posts, not sure what is best for my own son, so how can I offer advice to someone else, only thing I can say is you have to look after yourselves, slowly I am getting there with it, went away this weekend ime not really one for the movies but saw a really good movie" Ben is back" ( addict story but so real what we as parents can all relate to, very powerful it was, I did think I wonder how many parents of addicts are in that cinema feeling the same as me, crying and sometimes to close to home it was, came home earlier, ( other son and wife and bubs staying at mine ATM, he was asking about my weekend, like you do, normal conversation, I thought isent --- going to ask how I went, did I enjoy myself, he did in end but nothing there, sometimes I just feel it's awkward!! Anyway would recommend the movie, ps my son gives me money nearly every week, but dosent save anything, he earns a bit??? Where does it go??? Night all
Posted: February 10, 2019, 8:27 AM
Reading back on my post when I say he earns a bit, meaning he does quite well and know he earns a good wage
Posted: February 10, 2019, 9:49 AM
I have no good advice but just wanted to say my son loves to get klonopin. Some doctors will not prescribe it. I think they just trade in one drug for something else the doctors gives them legally. I am not sure taking that medication helps them any.
Just a thought ... if you are ready to downsize you could put your house up for sale. Ask your son where and when he plans to move because your new place is going to be too small for all of you. Not ideal solution but could work. He won’t like living in a small place with you right up in his business. Make him sleep on the living room couch, that should speed things up a bit. ;) Maybe start cleaning stuff out and putting things in boxes but not put your house up for sale. You could use his room to stack the boxes. Leave him only enough room for his bed. He might get uncomfortable enough to move.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on February 10, 2019, 10:01 AM
Posted: February 10, 2019, 10:42 AM
buggs - yes we have been talking to him openly about it. that we cant live like this and we want to downsize to save on taxes, etc. he understand and says his plan is to save $$ and move out. He says he hates living here. we say we do too. but off he goes chasing the $$ and the drugs.
Yesterday, we bought into what he was saying, for about an hour. I think because the mind just wants a break. by a few hours later we realized he isn't going to change. he does not show any signs of a person wanting to change anything.
the discussion about computer - he wanted $$ for the next week so he does not have to ask me for $$. at this point we don't care about his computer. it felt like a relief if I don't have to babysit his money and gas tank all week. another band-aid. just for this week. it was a calm conversation. OK if that's what he wants...
he will buy it back at pay check....or maybe he wont. there goes the $$ again.
Unbelievable that the judgement is so clouded and skeu'd that he does not see the illogic of it all.
I have been starting to box things up. talking about it. he does not notice. he does not care.
Posted: February 10, 2019, 10:54 AM
Sallyanne - yes when they are out we worry. I feel like I will worry less than I did a few years ago. been thru so much and know there is nothing more I can do.
the phone calls of crisis... last weekend I was at work. he was home alone. had a cashed paycheck but car was in shop. he took a cab to my workplace and asked to borrow car - made up a bunch of reasons - going to grocery store, going to bank to clear up balance ( used this story 3 times) I gave up the car - what else to do... he went did his drugs errands (I think) then when I got off work asked me to drive him to friends house, where he said he had gone.... I said he should have taken cab to the friends house, not to my work, and then drive there and then drive back and forth... and he was under influence of something, but denying it. I told him not to come home. he called next morning for me to pick him up.
this week got car back, zoom - out immediately. had some cash. next day ran out of gas. he is in so deep he cant put gas in the car. we have been at this point before... each day I see the pattern more clearly.
he is constantly on empty and without cigs - only days after getting a paycheck.
Now our life consists of nagging to go to a treatment center. which he says is the worst place for him bc the other people are worse than he is.
this week will be more crisis.
this is not going to end.
Posted: February 10, 2019, 11:02 AM
sadeyes - we would love to go away for the weekend. we could easily do so. BUT we went away for a week after the holidays and there was subtle but definite indications of drug use at our house. our son cleans up very well. one would not notice a thing, but I found little clues and a clean up list he wrote.
Fear is that 'something' will happen. especially with cooking and falling asleep, leaving a burner on, etc. winter time, normal care of house could be overlooked. something left open etc... accidents, car left somewhere.... we cant predict what the crisis will be while we are away.
my husband also rants about this. he wants to visit our daughter. he has a week vacation coming up. he cant stand that this addiction controls us. and he is right, we should not be living like this. as we have said it is like being hostage.
guess we have our work cut out this week. only option - get him to treatment or out of house. so tired of talking about it, thinking about it. reading about it, writing about it., pretending its OK so I can manage to get thru a work day.
about moving - It is just overwhelming to think about boxing stuff up, selling stuff, etc. We did do a pretty good clean out a few years ago. now time to go thru it again. time to make the tough choices to throw away sentimental stuff. or things that we hold on to but don't really need.
addiction is so time consuming. that is where we loose ourselves.
This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 10, 2019, 11:09 AM
Posted: February 10, 2019, 11:10 AM
Yes NTF it's a cycle which repeats over and over again. I agree, even though I worry about my daughter it's better having her out of the house. Living with them (at least living with my daughter) was traumatizing never knew what to expect and the coming and going of all hours, maybe even days. Seeing them 'messed up' and listening to their illogical reasoning. I couldn't do it anymore and function. When she left, I decided and I told her she could never live with me again.
Posted: February 10, 2019, 3:01 PM
I am so sorry to hear he is off the tracks once again. I thought he was finally turning the corner but as you well know the odds of recovery for our addicts is slim.
I am going to be frank about this, but I think it is time to save you and your husband before your son's addiction implodes and wrecks what you and husband have left. You said your son has financially affected you and you need to change this ASAP! Unfortunately, it isn't easy but so necessary! If you don't you will find yourself with nothing left for you as you age and our addicts are certainly in no position to care for us let alone themselves!
Why should he change when you provide food, shelter, gas, monitor his credit payments, etc. You have tried letting him live with you and managing his affairs while he just goes about his life doing what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. In the meantime, the only lives that are changing are yours and your husbands. If you allow this scenario to continue, he will destroy your lives and he will still be an addict.
Nothing you have done has given any positive or lasting results ( and you have done and tried and tried and tried) ! The time for change is now before you spend any more of your life trying to "fix" him! You can't--as much as we all would love to!
As hard as it is you and husband need to set up a plan to "evict " him. Pack his stuff and put by the front door. Tell him you will no longer be a victim in this scenario that is helping no one. Set a move out by date and stick to it. If he refuses change the locks. If he enters afterward or breaks in --call the police.
I know this isn't what you want to hear but it is going to be the only thing you can do to save your sanity, well-being, health, finances, and marriage.
I am praying you can come to grips with the reality of the situation. We have all walked in your shoes but if you reread the past posts, you can see the only ones that have been able to move on with their lives are the parents that cut their addicts loose and stuck to it!
You will always care, worry, and love them but you need to take care of you. You have been a good parent and tried all options so now you need plan B!
Posted: February 10, 2019, 5:42 PM
I’m speaking from the bottom of my heart when I say this... This man is mentally and financially abusing you. The way you feel and the way you behave are signs of the abuse. Please make a plan, get support and cut him loose. His behavior is way beyond inappropriate and he’s taking advantage of your love for him.
You know I say this with love, as I’ve been in your shoes and continue to have a man (my son) who will abuse my love too.
Hugs to you and yours.
Posted: February 10, 2019, 8:36 PM
We too had to get to a point where we said no more!! It took many years, THOUSANDS of dollars & everything we could to 'HELP" - Nothing helped him, nothing we did ever once helped him so I repeat frequently "I didn't cause it, I can't control it & I can't cure it". He has to choose for himself. And he will never move in with us again. And we have heard it all - car problems, no gas, no money, no job and as of late, nowhere to live, living in a tree fort.... even with THOSE problems, we offered to take him to the ER or crisis center & he refused. So I left it as is, we offered to find him an apartment if he would detox & go to rehab - refused.
BUT, the other night he called my husband & asked for advice - not on anything drug related but about his GF's car. He sounded "normal". Said he would call later & we haven't heard from him in 3 or 4 days....
Posted: February 10, 2019, 10:12 PM
I am so sorry NYto. We have all been there. I actually sold my house.It was the only to get my daughter out.
These addicts will destroy our lives if we let them. We talk to them,they always agree with us. Its their game. It buys them more time so they can get more drugs.
We can't negotiate.
Posted: February 10, 2019, 11:25 PM
thanks everyone. I am embarrassed that I have talked the talk for so long, but still have a mess on my hands. In heinsight my posts are kind of the same over and over. I keep thinking there must be improvement just a little more time. at this time I do see the pattern clearly. In 5 months I can see the progression of the addiction. first a beer then more then other stuff then more and more. I believe it has gotten to the 'out of control' point.
I do want to be free of participating in this addiction cycle. We have talked to him. refuses to go anywhere. same old stuff, blah blah blah. each time we talk, yell or scream, he makes it look like there's improvement, good behavior, like walkedon said - he agrees, we get off his back for a few days, while he does what he wants.
I am trying to figure out the escape. I can go to my brother's home for a bit or a few nights here and there - which I may start doing just to be able to relax. I would consider selling the house. It has been my long term plan, not something we can do quickly. my husband does not want to be forced out of our house. I am going to start packing up stuff.
Walked on - I didn't know you sold your primary house. I thought it was a second home. It shows how desperate we are to be free of the drama.
Dutchess- financially, we are still good, but have definitely taken a hit this year. and cant let the financial drain go on. This is why my husband works so much to recoop our losses. and complains about the food. We have taken a closer look our spending - nothing more than normal minimal stuff.
This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 10, 2019, 11:40 PM
Posted: February 11, 2019, 8:25 AM
NY, don't be embarrassed, really. We all go through these times. It is our love that keeps us going back, so that is nothing to be ashamed about. We all just do the best we can and keep moving forward.
I forget all of the details, but can you officially evict him? Change the locks, etc.?
Posted: February 11, 2019, 3:43 PM
You are correct,I was not living in the house but it was all I had. We give and give, houses, cars, our peace of mind.
I don't want to own anything.I don't want any possessions that way my addict can't take anything else from me.
Posted: February 12, 2019, 1:41 AM
Ny, Sorry to hear about the circumstances. Similar here. I too am looking for an escape, suffered and witnessed the financial bleeding an alcoholic/addict can cause. It's all about them and until they actually want to change and not just appease/temporarily get people on their side I'm afraid time will either have them hit a wall/bottom that might change their thinking or that's how they will live out their lives. After a certain point it's not just the chemicals but a way of life they've become accustomed to. Without the desire and motivation to change, not just stop abusing I'm afraid it will be the sos.
This is why keeping yourself and others safe is the priority. Not solving HIS problems and issues.
Hang in there.
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