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Scared Mom

Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017

Posted: February 20, 2017, 7:22 PM
My son is an addict. He's been in and out of detox and rehab. I've had him living me got him jobs and he broke all the rules lost all the jobs. I no longer let him live with me and got him rooms. He would rob or fight and end up out. I took him in again another job lost. He has been in long term programs and something always happened he's been in half way houses too. I will not let him live me again he stole from me and I lost all trust in him. He comes to my job and always asks for money. I stopped giving him money but I would buy him clothes, boots Ext... but he would sell them or leave them where he was last. He is now in a shelter and it's killing me. I can't sleep or eat sometimes. I have a teenage daughter at home and I don't invite him cause I don't want her to see the way he looks sometimes. This saddens me. Sometimes I want to take him back in and then find out about more drug use and other things. It scares me and I work and must function. I feel like it's my fault and wish he would love me enough to change. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Some people don't understand how I can leave my kid out of the house. Please someone give me guidance or some advice.

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: February 20, 2017, 8:34 PM
Hi - Welcome - So much to digest ! Move this post to the Family Partners of Addicts board. Read the postings there. Many of us have told the same stories. Dig back a few months and read our stories. You will find advice you need. Come back and let us know how things are going. You will find support here. people who you can talk to with out judgement and without sounding like a broken record to your friends and family.

If you son is in a shelter, leave him there.

You are correct, dont let him live with you and do not give more money or help with anything that he should be capable of doing himself.

You need to keep your sanity for your family members who are not using drugs.

Read the past postings : What Not to Do, How Family Members can Help, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 20, 2017, 8:37 PM

Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017

Posted: February 20, 2017, 8:40 PM
Thank you will do.

Posts: 1
Joined: February 22, 2017

Posted: February 22, 2017, 8:23 AM
hi Dee,
I know exactly how you're feeling.. we didn't sign up for this in our life when we decided to have children.. we didn't expect our children to chose being an addict over any career. They say now in psychology books that addiction is a mental illness. Did your son ever go to private therapy and get diagnosed with any mental illness? mental illness runs on both sides of our family rampant. I am having a hard time with the four of my children with addiction problems too. heroin, alcholol, addderal, pain pills, you name it, they've done it.
we THINK as parents that if only they loved us enough they'd quit. addiction has nothing to do with not loving others. it's themselves they have to love
please read the writing about "letting me fall" or something close to that name. a member suggested it to you to read also. THAT letter changed me. It had me look at addicitions in a different light.
I know the pain you are suffering and how people don't understand why you are doing what you are. but you HAVE to let them learn and let them fall.. you can't pick him back up.. only HE can. you will soon find this out in your time. The support here is awesome. IF you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here for you.
best wishes to you honey.

Posts: 21
Joined: January 25, 2017

Posted: February 22, 2017, 9:31 PM
Hi Dee, I am fairly new here too and this board has helped me tremendously. I just read will you learn to say no today and it was hard but so helpful at the same time. This site has seriously changed the how i see this addiction and how i feel.

Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017

Posted: February 22, 2017, 9:42 PM
Hi scaredmom2, nice to meet you I am new and am reading a lot on this site. I too believe that it is helping me. It's still hard to say no but I'm doing it and it's very hard to let them fall alone but I'm trying. My cold has me so confused. He manipulates me 100%. He always try's to guilt me each and every day and tells me how mean I am. Just today he got mad at me cause he has people calling my phone looking for him and giving my number out and says he needed to help someone out and I asked him please not to do that, and of cause he says he/she/ they are nice they lost their ID gave me $5. For the favor so I can buy snacks. Guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip. I have to stay strong and remember what I'm focused on. Just the other day he asked me for money I said no!!! He said come on I know you have money blah blah blah. I told home to get a job help himself. His response is that even if he had a job and apartment he would still use drugs cause what he does and that's what he likes. From his mouth and it made me angry and sad and made me realize that he don't care and until he does things will never change so for sure I have to change me. Sorry for the ranting. Thanks for listening and I'm here for you too. We will continue to pray for each other. Any advice welcome. DeeA723

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Joined: January 25, 2017

Posted: February 23, 2017, 1:31 PM
Dee, dont be sorry for ranting, its what we have to do. My son just got out of jail 2 days ago and didnt call until last night. i could tell he was actually sober, said he missed me and wanted to visit me. it made me a little sad. i live 3 hours away from him so i think that helps with him not asking me for money or whatever. he did want me to bail him out of jail this last time though and i told him i did not have the money, even if i did i wouldnt have coz at least i know he is safe in jail. its sad but true that we now have to think like this.

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Joined: February 20, 2017

Posted: February 28, 2017, 8:53 PM
Why do I feel like such a horrible mother. ?? 😢😪

Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016

Posted: February 28, 2017, 9:36 PM
You feel like such a horrible mother because as mothers we blame ourselves for every shortcoming of our adult children and convince ourselves if only we did/didn't do (fill in the blank) our children would NOT be addicts, they would be well adjusted, productive citizens who would be the envy of all other mothers!!! It's called "Mommy guilt" and it seems to be universal!!!

The truth of the matter is that kids do not come with handbooks and we do the best we can, with the tools we have or don't have, from our own upbringing, which in many cases, was also abysmal! We do not purposely hurt our children, but there are cases where they are hurt. We can not turn back the hands of time and right our past wrongs. If we did hurt our children all we can do is apologize and not repeat the behavior. Over-compensating for our shortcomings in their childhood, by trying to control them as adults with money, material possessions etc. will only backfire.

While we do NOT cause our adult child's addiction, there is no doubt that the family system that addicts grow up in are usually ineffective in some way. Some families have violence or sexual abuse, some have verbal abuse, some are taught to not cry or show emotion and others are taught that appearences are everything. All of these messages can lead to feelings of inadequacy and if the disease of addiction is in us, we may chose to self-medicate with drugs..that leads to addiction.

If family systems may contribute to the development of addiction, then how can I say that you didn't cause it? I say it because in families with more than one child, who grow up in an identical family system, not all of them develop addiction problems. Is it nature or nurture? Eh, probably a little of both. The important thing to remember is that you did everything in your power to be a good mother for your child. We all fall short, but we do the best we can.

We have to not let the guilt we feel over things we feel we should/should not have done make us enable our adult children in an effort to relieve our sense of internal guilt. If you have issues surrounding your job as a mother, I suggest working it out with a qualified therapist. You can learn to forgive any mistakes you may have made, apologize and move on! Being stuck in the past keeps us sick and many enablers are as sick and often times sicker than the actual addict.

When our children become adults, they must be responsible for their own lives. They must make their own painful mistakes so they can learn from them. Trying to ocntinue to "parent" an adult sends the message that you do not think they are smart enough or capable enough to do it on their own..and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's time to let yourself off the hook for the mistakes your son is making. He isn't five anymore..he is a grown man who should be autonomous from you. The best gift you can give him is to let him figure out his own life. Let the responsibility for housing, work and recovery fall on him! You are a grown-up and expected to do these things. What makes him (or anyone for that matter) so special that he doesn't have to act like an adult?

Put your foot down, let go of the guilt, let him find his own way by staying out of his way and finally give yourself permission to enjoy your life free from the whims and tantrums of an adult who knows better! You can do this!

Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017

Posted: February 28, 2017, 9:55 PM
Thank you lolleedee. You are smart, gentle and compassionate. Doing my best. While be scared to death. Scared to shower, scared to sleep, hate when my phone rings or the door bell sounds. Coming here really has helped a whole lot. God Bless
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