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I Am Scum

Posted: July 18, 2017, 5:17 PM
I began smoking weed when I was 14. I had some good times. did s***ty in high school, no college, no meaningful relationships. That was the story until about age 30 when I met my wife. I stopped smoking weed and cigs, stopped drinking. Things were good, didn't miss anything. Then kids came, marital problems, legalized weed. I picked it back up to try to cope. I miss the freedom of my old life. I sneak and lie. I recently went to pick up from a dispensary with my kid, 2 and a half years old. Called ahead, the transactions are about 3 mins that way. I cranked the a/c before I left, car window just cracked to let air in but hopefully people out. It was about 1030am, maybe 80 degrees. I bolted into the store. The next customer must've just pulled up when I entered. He didn't know my kid was in the car for literally 30 seconds, at tops for another 2-3 mins. He wanted to kill me. Am I scum for that? Would you run into a gas station to pay with your kid in a cool car? Is it different cuz it was for weed? I feel like s*** now and I threw all my s*** away. I'm done. I feel like I'm at rock bottom.

Posted: July 19, 2017, 3:19 PM
I guess the fact of the matter is I'm pushing my limits, my sons safety, and my relationship to the brink in order to survive on a personal level. Hopefully this recent event was a wake up call and I truly believe my life and marriage will be better off for it. My problem is finding constructive ways to deal with my stress as it either comes out as pure anger or as a desire to escape. The world seems so hollow, illusionary, pointless, arbitrary...It's hard for me to let things effect me in a positive way. I can't seem to control the negativity and the positive simply doesn't sink in. I feel torn in half. For example I feel like I need to get away from everybody but I know I'll be in constant pain alone. I feel like I need to act but feel paralyzed to do so. This is day one without weed, without lying to my wife or endangering my kid. I'm suffering in silence as I fear it could drive my wife away. This message board, under the veil of anonimity is the only time I've felt safe to voice this. I feel shame, regret, hopelessness. I'm a stay at home dad, we just had another kid two months ago and I'm faced with the terror of having two innocent, beautiful children and I with no emotional stability and my wife will be back at work in a couple weeks.

Posts: 13
Joined: July 8, 2017

Posted: July 23, 2017, 1:59 AM

Hey my friend! Let's talk about the real issue here< but first let's get something out of the way. Just so there's no doubt let me tell you this: it is never OK to leave your kid in the car, 30 seconds, 80 degrees, weed, or otherwise. In my area a woman ran in to pay for gas after filling her SUV and when she came out her SUV and the baby strapped inside were gone.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's just call it a lesson learned and move on. When we are addicted to alcohol or drugs we develop typical behaviors: we lie, we sneak around, we hide things, we deceive. As our addiction progresses, so do these behaviors. Those behaviors do not define us: they are symptoms of addiction. We are good people who are sick, not bad people. In fact, if we want to clear all the garbage out of our heads that keeps us using, we have to learn to forgive ourselves: http://www.alcoholism-addiction-psy...eness-recovery/.

If you are starting to lose things from your life, and do things you otherwise wouldn't do because of your drinking or using, you are on a path that you don't want to follow. Perhaps this incident can be the threshold to making up your mind to live a substance-free life.

Posts: 7
Joined: October 6, 2017

Posted: October 6, 2017, 5:48 PM
Hi there, I hope you are doing better now. I have no answers, God help me. But what I would like to say is, go and watch singer-songwriter James Taylor's interview with Oprah Winfrey. He is a no frills ex addict, and very frank about what he had to do to go straight. What struck me most was what he had to say about physical exercise. Give this video a chance. All the best, Leila, mother of a marijuana addict

Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016

Posted: October 6, 2017, 8:45 PM
Hi Lostsoul - I hope you are doing better. a friend of mine had been going thru marital issues in the past. I understand the squeeze and no one to talk to. Find a therapist so you can start to vent and problem solve. It is not easy being home all day w the kids. they are young and it is exhausting for everyone. your wife is not the enemy. decide to work together and see if you both can get on the same page so she gets what she needs and you get what you need. compromises. if at first you dont succeed, keep trying. you may be resentful that you are home, she may be resentful that she is at work. maybe working part time for you would be good.

Posts: 2
Joined: April 30, 2018

Posted: December 10, 2018, 11:57 AM
i guess we all feel like that from time to time, but you shouldn't really get into this idea. we're all scum from time to time, and from time to time we realize this and feel this. but don't get into this as you do know this is not true. remember that this is only from situation to situation, but since you've come here to write this - i'm pretty sure you're not!

Posts: 6
Joined: November 26, 2018

Posted: December 11, 2018, 6:19 AM
Don't screw up your life again.
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