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Seeking Guidance

Posted: February 5, 2017, 5:08 PM

My name is Jake, and I am a 22 year old college senior at Michigan State University. I have been smoking marijuana since my sophomore year of high school, so around 6 and a half years now. I have never posted on a forum like this, so bear with me. Prior to smoking, I was involved in sports such as baseball, basketball, and bowling, and had a ton of energy. I have always been a rather shy person, and I used marijuana as a way to make friends, and as well has to help with my minor anxiety issues at the time. I started smoking only about a couple times a month or so, which gradually progressed into smoking it on the weekends. I was managing my usage pretty well, and I've always told myself that I would never let it get out of hand. I knew the danger of drugs and the harm they can cause, but I never really acknowledged the long-term. So, as high school went on, and my senior year came around, I was starting to go to school high, which I never imagine myself doing. My attendance was always good in high school, and I graduated with a 3.4, but I felt a sense of cloudiness not only in my head, but my life as well.

Upon graduating high school, I starting going full time at my local community college, with no idea what I wanted to do. This is when I really starting to smoke a lot. I would go to a lot of my classes high, study, and do homework high, and even go to work high (sometimes). My lack of motivation, and life goals started to evaporate, and all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, or just get high. I stopped playing sports after high school, but I would play the occasional pick-up game, or go to the gym and play some basketball, but I definitely veered away from physical activity. I noticed I stopped caring about life's problems that I knew I had to deal with. In high school, I would get a sense of worry if I didn't get anything done, or if I didn't turn anything on time. That slowly started to disappear. During my first year of college, I went through a terrible break up to the the point where I couldn't eat for a few weeks. I was choosing to get high and avoid my responsibilities, which led to my girlfriend at the time to dump me for another guy, which was devastating. After that happened, I vowed to changed my life and not let smoking control it. This lasted for 2 months and 2 days (I remember every second) until I felt fine and told myself to just smoke on rare occasions. These rare occasions eventually led to my old habits of me smoking almost every single day, and I was stuck in the beginning.

After finishing up my 2 years at my community college, I still had no idea what I really wanted to do, but I had good enough grades to eventually get into MSU (Environmental Studies). This is where my marijuana problem really brought out the worst in me. I was smoking everyday and spending a good amount of change on it per week. I didn't care much about the money side of things, just my overall health. I knew I had a problem when I visited my parents back in my hometown because they both told me I looked sick, and that I needed to start working out or eating healthy. I got into an argument with my brother and he told me I have never been the same person since I started smoking weed in high school. This angered me at first, and I blew it off, but after thinking about what he said, it really started to f*** with my head. This is when i knew I had a problem, but I didn't care enough to do anything about it, which f***ing scared me.

Within the past year, things seemed to only get worse. One day I woke up to go to class, and as I was walking, I felt really depressed, and i literally started crying to myself about what my life has come to be. So I took myself to student services, and got professional help with a counselor. I was seeing him once or twice a week for about a month, but I eventually just said f*** it and started back to my old ways. I was dating a girl at the time, and I still am, and even she notices how weed is detrimental to my health. We got into a really bad situation once, and she threatened to leave me one morning, so i drove back to my hometown and broke down in front of my parents, and I basically told them I need to get help, or my life isn't going to go anywhere. They took me to a hospital and I was prescribed a low-dose sleeping medication because they thought that I wasn't getting enough sleep, which was leading to my mood-swings, anxiety, and depression. I laid off the weed for a couple weeks, and I started to feel more comfortable with myself. Every time I quit smoking I feel like I'm regaining my old self back, but I always give in and start up my old life, which puts me in a continuous f***ing cycle in which I feel secluded in my mind.

This leads me to now. I used to be an occasional drinker and I would like to go to college parties and all of that stuff with my friends, but now I have no interest in even going out anymore. I get nervous around groups of people, and I just feel like I'm lost. I feel different and alone. It's funny because I have supportive friends, a beautiful and amazing girlfriend, and a good family that will always be there for me, and will help, but I just keep pushing them away with the choices that I am making. School for me is just school. I am skipping a lot more than usual and I am supposed to be graduating this upcoming summer, but I am not excited whatsoever and I'm honestly scared I might not finish. I have nothing but negative thoughts, and yes I have had suicidal thoughts, but I know I would never be able to do that to myself. Just the f***ing thought alone scares me, and I just don't know how I did this to myself. I'm pushing people away, I'm not caring about anything or anyone, and I just turned into this stubborn a******. I am still smoking everyday, and if I don't, or if I'm out, I'm antsy and irritable, and I will do whatever it takes to find some. I'm just here for tips, support, encouragement, or anything that will help motivate me to quit. I have considered dropping out of school and putting myself thru rehab, and I'm absolutely terrified of what I've done to my life.

This a just a list of things that I am going through that I think marijuana has a lot to do with:
Major depression (Comes and goes)
Anxiety (comes and goes)
Sleep problems (I cannot sleep at all unless I smoke)
No motivation or care for almost anything in my life
Bad thoughts
Heath wise: I'm always congested in my head as if I constantly have a cold, but my eating habits are actually pretty good, well when I eat.
Mood swings/changes
And I get sense of nervousness with almost everything I do.

If I don't do anything soon I know that I will always live in cloud of regret with my life choices.

Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016

Posted: February 9, 2017, 7:40 AM
oh so you know its time for you to calm down with smoking, it should be enjoying here and there with friends on night out , watching movie night or so but not everyday thing where you lock yourself in and just smoke. Can you cut down first and see how it goes? I wouldn't stop just like that without seeing doctor first if possibile cos depression can be nasty at least i felt very depressed when stopping completely. I smoke weed or hash for months then i stop and so on but i have problem with heroine trying to stay clean so smoking helps me. We are here for support

Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016

Posted: February 9, 2017, 7:44 AM
and Jake breathe, its not the end of world, you can do it mate trust me it becomes easier once you start tapering

Posts: 1
Joined: May 24, 2017

Posted: May 24, 2017, 11:44 PM
Jake, it seems to me you have done the hardest part - admit you have a problem. Take it to the next step. Show yourself some love. Get help.

Posts: 7
Joined: October 6, 2017

Posted: October 6, 2017, 5:55 PM
Hi Jake, I hope you are hanging in there and doing better now. I have been telling everyone who cares to listen that they should watch the interview with James Taylor (Oprah Winfrey Show). He talks about his addiction, and what worked for him was physical exercise, every day and no let up. I thought this was worth sharing. Best wishes, Leila, mother of 31 year old addict, 60 days clean today
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