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Posted: November 21, 2019, 6:30 AM
Seeing the Reality of Alcohol [finally]
November 20, 2019
I have issues. We all do. But each of us has different issues that are unique experiences. Let me tell you about one of my issues. One that I hope you never encounter in your life but many of you probaly have. The issue is my alcohol addiction. Baffling and powerful indeed. Also, the sickness that follows. It is the absolute worst thing that happens to me. I'm a binge drinker and that means once I start, I can't stop. It goes on all night and all day. Mornings, 3 am...anytime. When I hit mindless oblivion mode its like time doesn't even exist. Ive been really disconnected from the truth of my illness for years. I never even looked for the "why", the triggers. I probably didnt want to see. But today, just before my 36th birthday, I had a realization and I needed it so badly. I have a tendency to spiral out of control. Why do I regularly sabotage my health and My Self? I learned that long-term alcohol abuse (and I do abuse it) damages parts of the brain responsible for personality. So you literally become someone else. Unrecognizable to everyone. The seizures change you too. They have knocked me down a few levels. And yet I return to alcohol to numb me. What irrational decision making and complete insanity! It would be less painful and easier to just remove my sock and smash one of my toes with a hammer, on purpose, than it would be to have repeated acute alcohol withdrawal. More specifically D.T.s. Ive had several episodes. So perhaps I should try that hammer thing instead 😂.
"When Alcohol Withdrawal Turns Horrific:
Delirium tremens (DTs) is the most severe side effect of alcohol withdrawal. The symptoms are not only hard on the body and psyche of the sufferer but are also disturbing for loved ones who witness the process without fully understanding it."
What a monster this is for me. So I must share this. This delerium is an evil like no other. Far more sinister than coming off heroin and meth, and Im not minimizing those struggles however. Addiction is a battle no matter your d.o.c. Alcohol is legal though. This way I can see it in every corner store. It's everywhere just begging to be my worst nightmare. Fermented death fuel. And
So unbelievable is the horror of the delerium waiting at the end of another week-long binge. There will be Fever, chills, sweat pooling up on my neck as I struggle to breathe. Labored. Everything is labored. My heart beats hard and wild in my chest. The terrible rythem reminding me that death is so close. It's right on top of me. The worst of all symptoms though, is the screaming! Mine?! Theirs?! Everything screams as I lay awake. It's a sleepless long night of suffering, unplesant hallucinations and nightmares...I mean bad nightmares, not just bad dreams. Sleep paralysis got me once in 2017. I screamed and tried to move all night. I was stuck with those Faces. They have murderous rotten expressions. The hallucinations are so intensely violent that they can't possibly be from a part of me. I dont think stuff like that. The source of the screams must be the demon-faces swirling around in my head. In the darkness they taunt and shout perverse things at me. Surely this is what death feels like. Surely this is what is meant by "hell". I am fascinated by just how terrifying our minds can become! I reiterated this but maybe it will help someone...To scare them sober.
This is what Keith recounts as he remembers what happened when he decided to stop drinking. (Found on search engine)
“I saw a head. A disembodied head that was shriveled and shrunk, but its eyes followed me whenever I moved in bed.”
Words cannot truly convey the experience. This is the horror of alcohol. And of the withdrawl. That is why I fear stopping once I have begun my drinking. I run and run, but I can't outrun that monster. Never. And then to top it all off, a few days later, randomly, I will probably have a seizure. I will fall and hurt myself. Ill shake...bite holes in my tongue, losing consciousness and memory for an hour or so. With little or no warning, so it isnt possible to prepare for. It's usually in a public place like work. All these realizations make me think I have finally seen alcohol's true face. I hope I never forget that ugly face...I hope it keeps me sober from now on.
All of this began with an old illustration I saw on Wikipedia when I searched "Delerium Tremens". The image showed a man on his death bed screaming. He was coming up out of the bed like he was posessed. A horrible and scary look was on his face. It startled me. Even the terms "delerium tremens" and "alcohol" suddenly sounded really bad... It came into focus right then. And I am asking for this when I have that first drink! I said OK, or At the very least it's a risk or outcome Im willing to accept! Thats the heart of my addiction. I want to Change the picture of my reality no matter the cost. Over and over again. The point of this was for me to share my thoughts. I rant alot but I have lots of feelings about the subject. I just got off a 4day binge. It Feels like Im just a damaged human machine full of not one thing at all. A void that stretches infinitely in every direction. Nothing to compare anything else to. No way to gague where I am or where I should head next. That is the emptiness of alcoholism. Erasing common sense and morality as it feeds on inhibitions and fears, manifesting evil and destruction and shame within. every single time.
The tremors shake every part of my body rendering me immobile and basically disabled for days. I can't even walk or talk properly. Only time (and a benzodiazepine or two) will help make the process tolerable. What fresh hell is this? And why is alcohol legal!? No, honestly I need to ask "Why cant I tolerate and moderate the booze?" I have a disease and must control my impulses. Alcohol is going to be around. I need to just be done burning myself from the inside out. Dont give in to temptations. Ok, so thats how I see the reality of my own issues with alcohol abuse. It's just a lesson meant for me to learn. Wish me luck and Thank you for reading!
Posted: November 28, 2019, 11:31 PM
Hi sid, I wish you luck on your recovery path. I've been struggling with different addictions. The temptation and obsession is still alive and hits me every time I'm down. I wish you luck. I pray you manage to beat the monster.
Posted: January 4, 2020, 3:52 PM
I read your story and definetely seem to relate.
I was an addict for many years, and I started with alcohol. I was also a binge drinker, and once i started I couldn't stop. My addiction soon progressed to drugs.
I would binge on drugs for days at a time, while slowly eroding my marriage, career, reputation and basically wasting my whole life away.
This was my reality for many years, until I was invited to a really powerful Christian addiction treatment. They have many centers around the whole world, and they offer free counselling in addition to the treatment.
I'm 4 years clean, haven't touched drugs, alcohol or even a cigarette, and my wife returned to me, and basically my life was put back on track.
I would be very happy to share the details of a centre nearest to you.
God bless and look forward to hearing from you.
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This post has been edited by moderator on January 5, 2020, 10:02 AM
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