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Posted: August 10, 2016, 7:34 PM
Hello. I am an ICU nurse in Texas currently enrolled in my last year of a three year monitoring program with the state. Nothing happened to me. I chose to self-enroll. I was abusing any drug waste I could get my hands on as a CVICU nurse which was a LOT over the course of two and a half years. For the last six months of my addiction I was exlusively using propofol-- sometimes two 1000mg vials per night. I went to 31 days of inpatient rehab and I am at the end of my second of three years in intensive outpatient treatment. I have done very well, but I am the only person I know of that had a love for propofol and so I feel like nobody really understands. I wasn't looking for a high. I was looking to be completely unconscious. While I was in rehab my husband, who knew nothing about my addiction until the week before I left for rehab, filed for divorce because I said I wasn't coming home to be married to him anymore. His treatment of me was the main reason I chose to self medicate along with the near death of my four year old daughter from a drug resistant pneumonia. There really is no good excuse. But here I am two years sober with plenty of proof in writing of my good mental and emotional health, not to mention all the 2-3 negative drug tests per week and I still have to visit my daughter for one to two hours per month in a bare little room with a counselor supervisor. She is now 8 years old and begging to have more time with me. Even the supervisors at the counseling center are upset by the distress of my daughter and have told my ex husband repeatedly that this limited supervised visitation was not intended to be long term and has got to end for the sake of my daughter. I can tell you right now he won't let me see her until a judge forces him to. My court dates in Louisiana (in the district my ex husband works as a family attorney no less, HA!) keep getting cancelled and postponed. I was supposed to have a mediation with a court officer January 6 and here I am in August STILL with no effing new court date!!!! I can't convey the level of frustration I feel with the whole system.
However, I am scared. I have managed to do what I'm supposed to and go to meetings and treatment yadda yadda, but I have a calendar on my refrigerator with a countdown to the last day of my monitoring program. I thought I never wanted to use again, but being unable to see my daughter for years has left me so heartbroken and I am starting to lose hope that I will ever even have her in my life again. I predict my ex will have primary custody and I will be making child support payments even though he raped me of all my money during our horrible marriage.
I just needed to vent. I still handle propofol on a regular basis and think about taking some for myself occasionally. Not all the time, but some days more than others. How do I stop?
The pain of this separation from my child is nearly unbearable. I just need some encouragement. I see a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly and go to group therapy several times a week along with meetings. I'm not sure what else I can be doing.
Posted: August 10, 2016, 7:47 PM
Do you have a good oldtimer sponsor ?? Use her !!
Do what you can do and ask God for the rest.
Quitting drinking/using in the end was the easy past. Living sober is a real bear..
You know what SOBER is ?? .. Son Of a Bit@# Everything's Real !!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous
Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf
AA's HOW IT WORKS:
Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf
NA's HOW IT WORKS:
--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.
---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
... I need AA more than it needs me.
--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.
...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.
---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.
--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !
---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.
---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.
... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.
---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .
"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
Posted: August 11, 2016, 2:34 AM
I'm so confused, and feel for you!! you have two years clean, and can only see your daughter once a month? Your in Texas, why is the court date in Louisiana? I'm in California and have no idea how that kind of stuff works in texas, but am tempted to try to find out. You have people in your corner? as tempting as it may be to go back to what you were doing..it sounds like you are doing everything right. It may be once a month with your daughter right now, but something has to change. In the meantime just focus on the moments you have with her and look forward to more, because there will be. I will keep you and your daughter strong in my thoughts. Stay strong..for you and your little girl. -Mary
Posted: August 14, 2016, 11:25 AM
I live in Texas because my family is here and I attend one of the top five treatment centers in the world here== something not offered in horrible Louisiana. My child and ex live in Louisiana and he filed for divorce while I was in treatment in Texas.
The only reason I still see her once a month is because he won't let me see her any more often by his own choice and my court dates keep getting cancelled so I haven't even had the chance to plead my case in front of a judge. Part of that was because my attorney filed papers on other issues in the meantime to buy me clean time. She wanted me to have at least 18 months of clean time before we went back for child custody.
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