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Posted: November 18, 2003, 3:46 AM
I have been addicted to opiate pills on and off for 20 years.This life has been mostly hell with a few tantalizing reprieves. I cannot take my own life because I have an adult daughter who would be devastated and I will not leave her that legacy. 12 step programs have worked for short periods of time when I have worked them( not perfectly, but pretty darn well), but have always gone back to pills when I could not stand the emptyness, feelings of worthlessness, and the ugliness and evil in this world.(Even after working the Steps) I have tried many different antidepressents and intensive therapy during times of sobriety, but my thinking always seems to go back to that hopeless pit of despair. As much as I dislike methadone, I am considering doing a short term detox with it and then following it up with one of these new, non-addictive(I hope) medications I've heard of that can prevent cravings and/or block the opiate "high". I hear these can be administered subcutaneously in pellet form.I have been to several long term recovery programs when I wanted nothing more in this world than to stay clean and be a good mom. I was highly motivated and worked very hard at painful issues like incest and other abuse stuff, but I have always relapsed. I do not understand my addiction and relapse problem because I know that I am a good and decent person in many other areas. At least as good and hard working as many of the "winners" I have met in 12 Step groups. I need a plan and I need hope.
Please forgive me me for what sounds like pessamistic self-pity. I just need to do something different and new, with divine assistence, of course. Hopeless but still kicking, VS
Posted: November 18, 2003, 3:30 PM
I could have written that myself, except I have a 19yo son. I remember, literally with the gun in my mouth, saying "No, I can't do this to Nick" and my next thought would be something about the injustice of it all. I'm posted in a few areas, I've taken my poor self-esteem and self loathing through alcohol, drug, pill and now relationship addiction. Sounds pretty messed up but I've actually been clean for 10 years. I'll apologize right now, I have no magic words or actions for you. I too have been through rehab/meetings/steps but I always identified myself as the poster child for what not to do (I wrote something about relapse in "I keep relapsing" (I think that was it) but for now I'd like you to know, you are not alone, people do care about you (and yes, complete strangers), I've felt your pain - hang in there..:)Judi
P.S. I am finding it quite helpful to read other peoples stories and posting just simple support ( I try to leave advice to the experts), just a small suggestion for a big problem but we all have to start somewhere.
Posted: February 23, 2004, 10:52 AM
It sounds like you belong in the heroin forum instead, click the main categories link above and check the heroin forum, i'm sure you'll find that forum much more helpful. You'll find many others in your situation.
I think that the pellets that you were referring too are "subutex"
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's great to see that you're really trying to get your life back on track. Good luck with everything! STAY STRONG
" It's only over if you give up on yourself.. to lose to yourself is like giving on up life. Believe in yourself and realise that soberity is the greatest gift one can give to himself. -- (An addict cannot really love... love is not selfish) "
Posted: April 2, 2004, 11:37 AM
Suicide is not an answer. Relapse is part of recovery in many cases
of opiate addiction. Guilt has limits as a useful emotion. Look forward
into the future as you did when you posted. Self-pity can in fact be
compassion towards you inner self, your broken heart. Long term opiate
use requires inner strength and otherness. NA can be helpful as can
opiate replacement therapy but the latter can mitigate but not end the
suffering. Only time and self-anchoring about the meaning of suffering
for you can repair what time has created. Suffering can mean healing
and spiritual creativity if your goals are clear. Replace the obsessions
that drain your strength in these terms. The pain will end but will take
much time.See yourself as needed and loved.
Posted: April 7, 2004, 11:16 AM
I to can relate to your story.I too was taking pain pills for migraine headaces all my life and before I knew it I was taking pills all day long,everyday. I had to take pills to sleep and more pills to wake up. My shoulders always hurt and I kept headaches, so I thought I needed the pain pills to stop the pain. If any one had told me that the pills were making me hurt more I never would have belived them.My body was making pain so that it could keep getting more pain pills and nose spray.My doctor gave me 100 soma and 100 tyl#3, 60 florset,1 staydol nose spray bottle with 10 sprays in it,90ativan,30phenergen, all of this was for just one mo. And I would have to go find more ativan,soma,and any pain pill to buy just to get throu the mo. till doctor day again.
So one new years eve morning after the doctor cut me off cold turkey when he found out I went to another doc for extra pills too, and all the people I knew was out of pills, I could'nt sleep or stand the pain any more so I went to a methadone clinic at 5 am at the end of my rope of pain so to speak. The first mo. was hard and kind of painful but nothing compared to the pain with out anything. But after all the pills were out of my system the methadone started making me fill whole. Over the year my migraines stoped except about once a mo. and my zomig(non-nartic) helped my headache like it should. Over the years I have taken the methadone daily like I should and it keeps me even and by even I mean no highs or lows. I dont worry about if I have pills for tomorrow and I dont even think about those things any more.And yes 11.00 aday is cheeper than all the pills cost me. My nerves are calm now and I work everyday with out worring``about everything. I have gained weight from the methadone and a mo. ago I started walking 3 miles aday.`I do sleep good now and before I never slept good at all. I do worry about coming off of the methadone but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. But far now my life has been a lot better with methadone.```````````````````````````````````
Posted: April 7, 2007, 5:21 AM
hello, I know you posted your post ages ago, my god once again it is me speaking, how are you now? Do you feel better? Have you found any magic cures? I just want to get this life other and done with, if I'm buying heroin, i'm shopping with credit cards, if I'm not doing that I'm stuffing untold food into my mouth following with untold amounts of laxatives to get rid of it.....then back to the beginning again....I have 4 children 12,15,19 and 20 and i'm a widow and scared of everything now but i'm becoming a terrible burden on them, I just can't find myself anymore!!!!
Posted: January 7, 2013, 10:54 PM
WHEATGRASS helps with withdrawals dramatically!
Posted: July 3, 2014, 2:18 AM
I've struggled all my life with drugs and alcohol. I pretty much had it beat, only vaporizing pot which was never a problem for me, when I had to have three spinal injections for severe stenosis. That was three years ago and I just now got off of the meds. Roxycodones and Xanax was my go to combination, opiate for pain, benzo for the nausea the opiate caused. In the last year I walked out of two rehabs and even flew to Cancun for Ibogaine treatment. It stopped the opiate withdrawal in thirty minutes but they sent me home on klonapine which just led back to the roxies again. (On a side note I did not have any visions on the Ibogaine, I don't know why) after all this, including several five day detoxes that were endless nightmares resulting in giving up and using again, I was at the lowest point of my life. By chance I had been researching botanicals online when I found an amazing thing. A combination of two of them, and it's been two months with no drugs, and no pain or discomfort whatsoever. Waking up is the only time I feel bad and within ten to twenty minutes the world is fine. My legs quit shaking and all is right with the world. What are these magic items? A leaf from a tree and the root of a bush. Kratom originates in Thailand but is illegal there now. It is also illegal in Tennessee and Virginia, but legal in the rest of the USA. It can be bought in pill form but I always buy in bulk and use a capsule machine. It works on the same receptors that the opiates do and will even make your nose itch if you take enough. For the benzo withdrawal, Kava Kava works on the same receptors and is also available in bulk. Enough of this will make your ears ring and your lips numb. Neither of these affect your reasoning. No insane behavior at all. I also started gaining weight back after reaching 110 pounds. My cost for this is a little over a hundred dollars a week. Considering I was spending more than that per day, it's not that bad. It saved my life. I realize it is replacing one buzz with another, but it should also be an easy ween when compared to the other. I use 00 size capsules and take eight of each for a dose. They have concentrated Kava which of course you would take less of. I will say this should only be a last resort because of the unknown long term effects of these herbs. In my case, I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER, I was going to die. If you decide to go this route try to start weening off the botanicals as soon as possible. Hope this helps.
Posted: July 17, 2014, 3:17 PM
Ok I recently had a kidney out and I feel great but there's one big problem the pain mess after the surgery.....it's day 3 or 4 of no pain meds only thing is my legs crawl as many of yall no u no rls but anyhow I got rls no runny nose not any real gi problems just tired and my legs that's it got some xanax to help my anxiety and potassium pills I have a 5 yo and a little girl on the way...I don't need the pain mess don't want em ever again I don't hurt at all except my rls should fade away slowly right??? Not shure please let me no if there is something to help me get over this I'm sick and tired of feeling like s*** please any help would be great
Posted: July 30, 2014, 10:43 PM
I heard magnesium supplements can help with the restless legs. it takes about a week to get into your system. I looked into treatment center programs and they pump your body with vitamins. This may help with the detox since your body is feeling depleted from the opiate. That's my plan, I'll let you know how it goes. Stay strong, it's a hell of a journey. I've relapsed once cause i couldnt stand the rls and im craving opiates when my saboxone is getting low in my system. of course it would be easier to go back on the opiates but i have to fight for sobriety. i feel like something great is waiting for me on the other side.
Posted: October 24, 2014, 12:18 PM
I struggled with addiction as well. I am 24 and when I was 20 I started with Extacy and did that for about a year. Not every day, just on weekends for a year. Then my sister started doing Opana. She was moody, always attacking us verbally. I tried to help her and she didnt want the help. So I thought it would be a good idea to try it and see what she was getting out of it. I did opana every day for almost a year. The guy I was dating at the time didnt just enable me but I also enabled him bc I started right before I met him and he as well. The last time I took an opana was the night he came home with Heroin and told me that it was the same only cheaper. I watched him snort it and kicked him out the next day. I quit cold turkey after that. I was depressed. I lost all of my weight. I was clean for two years and now I am on loritabs like nothing ever happened. My new husband cheated on me and thats what triggered my relapse. Its not his fault, he didnt force me to take the pills. I feel so weak. I have no support system bc I am struggling with this on my own. My husband doesnt know I've been taking them every day since last october, he thinks its been one a week. I literally do not have any friends bc I dropped all of them when I first started w drugs so many years ago. I dont mind not having friends bc I have a huge family and we are very close. But its nice to get this stuff off my chest. I feel like a huge disappointment to myself. I was taking online college courses and due to my job (50hr/wk) I had to stop doing that bc I dont have the time to take it seriously right now. I did quit taking lortabs 5 days ago, my night sweats have finally ended and I dont get cold chills anymore. I have to take this one day at a time I know. I am trying to throw myself into new hobbies to keep my mind off the craving. I crochet, make jewelery, write, play video games. I still feel empty inside.
Posted: January 12, 2015, 7:33 PM
I am an addict. Sometimes dry, currently I am doing morphine or dope. I do not shoot altho I am not afraid at all of needles more afraid of becoming an everyday dependent user and junkie. I can stop if I want but I don't want to. I'm bored. I have type 2 bi polar disorder and refuse to take the meds cuz they make me feel like a zombie clone of me. I used to be hardcore addicted to opiates and went the methadone route. Terrible!!! Detoxed off suboxone and didn't look back for 3 years. Now here I sit feeling all these feelings again. The cycles of the bi polar the mania the depression, sleepless nights. Until I score then I'm ok. Ten I withdraw for a day or 2 nothin heavy just chills and sneezing. Until that itch comes again and I MUST. GET. HIGH!!!!! Soooo sick of this cycle. I actually am quite happy in life I have 3 beautiful children and a husband who is and has been so tolerant of my crap. I'm just bored and can't stand being inside my head with the racing thoughts.
Posted: January 12, 2015, 8:05 PM
Why don't you give Narcotics Anonymous a good try. It might just be the ticket for you.
You can find them in the phone book or on-line at www.na.org
All the best.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous
Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf
AA's HOW IT WORKS:
Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf
NA's HOW IT WORKS:
--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.
---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
... I need AA more than it needs me.
--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.
...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.
---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.
--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !
---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.
---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.
... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.
---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .
"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
Posted: April 24, 2019, 11:21 AM
Hello there.my name is nick im 32 now...been back to 2009...10 years back yep.i was clean from opioids and benzos.some time ecstasy some times alcohol but i was opioid and benzo free.never tho i would do that to my self again.so after 10 years.i bought some hypnostedon the main cause was im on devorse and everytime im loosing my mind with her (she talks me like im nothing etc ) i turn to drugs to forget.and forget her with them.so short story i was out i found some hypnosdedon benzos etc after that i injected heroin for 5 - 6 times or days along the way.1 month on hard benzos maybe 10 -16 hypnos and along the way xanax. and then started takin some suboxone.i have a 7 year old son and if was not him right now i would just suiside.im on pain again.the reason i was cut off was my wife back on 2009.i wanted her so much so i said nick you will go out of that s*** for her.and after that a f***ing living hell...i tryed so hard for her bbut nothing is much for her.is the only person i really loved in my whole life and ofc my son.we are 4 years in devorse and i still i think im in love with her.the only good she did for me is to gave birth to my son.she never do back she is only screaming etc.(with all ppl not only me. she does not going well with other ppl).and well again here we are.she just talks s*** and i do drugs or alcohol to forget her...well done nick.so now i want out.im 7 days no with lowering doses.im in first day without suboxone and on 0.75 grams xanax.my all body hurts.cause of the doses i was taking...and now so low.i tryed a 7 day s*** taper but go through all the way.so now im only on 0.75 xanax that will do off in a day or 2 as well...i use 5-htp for the sleep and buyed today some wheatgrass.i also forget to mention i was on lyrica..and i stoped it with all the other s*** i was taking.i want to be clean i want my life back and i also need to do something so wen i get angry or depresed from her not do alcohol or drugs again etc.im a body without a soul.i want to be able to love again another person real like her.not just talk.i tryed so many times but all ppl felt like nothing.i am sorry bothering you ppl with my s*** mut today i felt like saying something from my heart.love and peace to you all also look up were gonna make it through
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