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Posted: March 23, 2011, 12:30 AM
My story in short..........I was with my bf for 2 yrs, and in all that time he was/is a crack addict. I have researched and read all about the behaviours, but see none. He is always sweet, never has mood swings and functions quite well. I love him, but walked away and want to go back! I know I shouldn't and it's killing me. He has no intention of ever stopping. I have never asked him to, and was an enabler in the worst way. I am too ashamed to say how. He has been arrested twice, and the fear of him in jail is crippling. I also fear for myself.....yet knowing how bad this situation is, all I can want is him. I miss him, not his drugs. There is no chance he will ever get help, he doesn't think he has a problem. I wish I could just be okay with walking away. I wouldn't miss the lies, the financial hardship, the manipulation, but the pain of missing him is just too much. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this, and feel so alone. I've read everyone's stories and read a post by Bryn, I beleive, about how an addict thinks and that helped a bit. I have to face that it's the drug he loves, not me. I just have a hard time believeing that. I see the sparkle in his eye and smile on his face when he sees me, and the care and attention he put into my life. Does he not miss me?
ahhhhhhhhhhhh :(((((((((((((((((((((( it's so hard to stay away from my phone and just calling him. I've walked away many, many times and have gone back. I am so scared I will again, and I keep thinkig what is going to make me stop. Thanks for listening. Sofia | ||
Posts: 1161
Joined: November 30, 2009
Posted: March 23, 2011, 4:30 AM
Such a pretty name, Sofia.
Sofia, you said it's the drug he loves and not you? Nope, we're quite capable of loving other people, and we sure love our enablers. Honey, he could obviously love you no matter. You just happen to love an addict. There's no shame or weakness in it. You've been lied to, manipulated, and are going to be stone cold broke living life like this. That's alright? Please know I understand the pains of caring for someone, loving them and they have some bad habits. He*l I even loved an addict. The point is what's going on with you that you will accept this? It speaks volumes you have left before. So soemthing is not right. You aren't alone here. Nobody will judge you. Everyone understands. The one HUGE thing, Sofia is as you said you have left before but went back. Now, just what do ya think the man is going to do? Think? I've been on the other end and knew after all the words, and anger that a said person would be right back to give me a place to stay, money, and a ride to go cop my drugs. Not until he kicked me out and didn't answer my calls for weeks and basically told me to hit the road did I even flinch. The majic part is it's all up to you, Sofia. It is your choice. Hope that helped some. BTW, yeah we don't exhibit alot of that mood swing stuff when we know we can get some money off the people that love us and we can definately go cop our drugs. Hey, maybe he's one in a million, and don't exhibit typical addict behavior but sooner or later everybody's number is up ya know? | ||
Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: March 23, 2011, 8:22 AM
Hi Sophia,
I'm sorry for your pain. You said "I wouldn't miss the lies, the financial hardship, the manipulation, but the pain of missing him is just too much." I think what you are missing is a huge piece of your life that was obsessed with him, tangled up with him, enabling him. When we choose to let go, there is a huge piece of our life missing because we don't have anyone/anything to obsess over anymore. There is a big void in your life that in my opinion you should now be filling with taking care of YOU. Like Brynda said, of course he is nice to you. You enabled him to continue his lifestyle. He probably found someone else to enable him (they usually do) so he doesn't need you anymore. Crack addicts want only a few things: 1) Someone to let them continue their lifestyle - & they don't care who it is 2) Money to buy their crack with - and they don't care how they have to get it 3) Crack 4) Money... more crack -- and the cycle repeats itself as you have found out. Read again what you wrote above: "I wouldn't miss the lies, the financial hardship, the manipulation...." Why in the world would you want to go back to a life like that? Please go to some alanon meetings &/or counseling & get help for yourself. You deserve better. I oughta know, my daughter is a crack/heroin/alcohol/whatever addict & when she didn't have any money she pawned jewelry that her (deceased) father had given me.... Never underestimate the power of crack. -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: March 23, 2011, 12:21 PM
Hello, I am recently going through something similar with my bf and father of my unborn child. About a month ago now I had to fianlly ask him to start staying some place else. It is really really hard at first and I did feel like I had this big void in my life. The not knowing what he is doing, how much worse he could be getting, and missing that companionship can leave you feeling like your going crazy.
Heres what has helped me to get through my first month; therapy, alanon meetings, being on here DAILY, crying when I needed to cry, having friends I could vent to, and most importantly being HONEST with myself and the people who love me about what is going on. I was sooo scared people were going to think badly of me but they didn't. People listened, asked if there was anything I needed and I were there to support me. It felt like an extra ton of weight that had been lifted off my shoulders once I started to talk about it honestly. If you do or don't have contact with him is up to you. Its about being able to see what boundaries you are able to set and stand by when he is around. I have had to keep my distance so that I can work on focusing on myself and not him. Finding an Alanon group has been one of my saving graces. The last couple of weeks I cry on my way to the meetings but are smiling and more confident on my way home from them. When I don't think I'm going to be able to get through a work day I am on here almost screaming for help at times (like yesterday). I hope you keep coming back:) | ||
Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 23, 2011, 12:29 PM
Run.
Fast as you can. He doesn't think he has a problem yet goes to jail. You enable him. Unhealthy relationships like this don't last, just more hardship. Until he gets help, you have no hope in saving him from himself. Save yourself. You're worth it. It's a little different when marraige or kids are involved, thank God, neither of those will stop you from leaving. Lots of fish in the sea honey, you'll find someone else. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posted: March 23, 2011, 9:39 PM
Wow!! I am so grateful people answered me, and listened!! Thank you Thank you!
Brynda - you really nailed it. He even said to me before, that he knew when I was upset that he would just back up a day, then I'd be all over it and be back. He was right!! This time is different. I left him for a month. Then went back for 3 days, he manipulated money from me, lied and I walked again. That was 2 weeks ago and I am missing him so much! lightacandle - yes, I do not miss the bad parts, but he is a person under that disease, and one I love. I do not know why I want to go back, but you are right. NewMom2011 - Yes, it is driving me crazy. I check the Crime Reports each day to see if he's ok. Drive by his house to make sure he's alive, not dead or in hospital. cowgirl - I have said to myself many, many times just how lucky I am that I am not married to him, live with him or have children with him. I THANK God that it never got that far! There are so many here that have it far worse than I. Thanks again everyone. I am trying sohard to stay away from him, but it's killing me :( | ||
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