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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 31, 2014, 10:04 AM
I got so used to the state i am living in that i regard this life as normal. I assume that my life that is full of addiction is just normal but i never questioned what is on the other side ...how the real normal life is! I hear about it from recovering addicts and i just want to be there
Is life really different than what i know right now? | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 31, 2014, 10:22 AM
Absolutely different. -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: August 31, 2014, 6:25 PM
Soberturtle,
I'm thinking the answer to your question is yes,but...you failed to indicate what your life or your concept of life is. I mean if all you plan on doing is sitting on a couch and watching TV, sobriety may not be that much different than being wasted. But if you think you have a talent or skill or purpose or reason than life could get dramatically different. I do take exception to the stock answer provided above. i do believe the promises come true if we work for them. But I find it hard to believe the people who do nothing but sit in meetings everyday and rely on sponsors for giudance beyond the 12 steps can really be experiencing a rich, fulfilling life. I on the other hand gratefully acknowledge the benefit of working the steps as they introduced me to a life filled with happiness. I trust in God and try to be of service, not just to addicts and alcoholics, but anyone in need. Be well, Larry This post has been edited by larrylive on August 31, 2014, 6:41 PM -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644 
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Posts: 18
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: September 1, 2014, 4:14 AM
Hi turtle:-)
I can relate soooo much about feeling like that life is normal. I have done drugs /alcohol for 15 years straight and smoked crack few times a week for 10. The pathways in my brain are so deeply ingrained that doo many things are triggers, it's horrible. But I swear with each passing day it is honestly getting easier. I just hope I can keep it up. Know, turtle, that I am praying for you and just know that you deserve better than this. We all do. | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 1, 2014, 5:09 PM
Hi
tonight I say goodbye...well I said good bye....I did not use my DOC which is cocaine because I have said good bye around a 1000 times and came back all those times to it.... I am an addict tonight I drank 5 beers and binge ate so so much.....guess what....I feel like s***... all I do is use and come here and WHINE AND TALK TIME to do something.... well I am a gambler...an alcoholic...binge eater...sex addict ...cocaine my drug of choice and well I am aware that I can addicted to almost anything in this life.... Life is tough...and in no way am I making it manageable....I am making it tougher and tougher what happens to me is the following...I wake up ....feel in a good mood and use because I think its alrt then I feel miserable all over again.... I can recognize that this disease is indeed progressive....the more time passes ...the more I use and the more I am less in control...I have lost control...well what I am still doing...why am I still using? I live to use! I have forgotten all my responsibilities and what matter and Iuse... BUT... DO I LOVE USING?i ask myself Difficult to answer....difficult...the mind what a piece of sh** ...the mind...all it does is selective thinking and makes us choose the fun times and memories we had while using... am I really suffering and feeling at rock bottom or is it GUILT that is making me feel that way... IS it GUILT? Maybe partially I feel helpless and partially guilty toward my responsibilities....but knowledge and facts 100% show that I am leading my way towards the gutter....I am leading myself to complete helplessness.... N.B: when I am in a good mood I drink and remain in a good mood first few drinks and that is because I was in a good mood in first place and not because drinking made me in a good mood. When I am in a bad mood....I drink remembering times when I drank fooling myself to think that I become in a good mood.... The chaser effect....my mind cannot erase how fkin good cocaine was when I was first using it and continue to believe that I will feel that way....In fact....when I do cocaine...I feel normal ...a mild high....paranoid...psychosis and scared....horrible feelings now...the mind.... WEll....I think there is no need to debate all this stuff...those feelings are so clear right now...but down the line when I get clean....I will do the same stuff all over again. (INSANITY) from NA....doing the same things over and over again expecting different results... again is it GUILY or helplessness and rock bottom that are driving me to seek recovery...that is dangerous for me.... I need to know the difference because I sure hope it is not guiltiness...although I am sure if it is ....and I continue to use then I will reach complete helplessness.... anyway I will post a 2 column tool to show the pros and cons and may be it will make it clearer....in the mean time...I have decided to become clean... I will engage in online NA Meetings and I will place new goals in my life that I will never be able to achieve in my current condition.... | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 1, 2014, 5:32 PM
well earlier ....I mentioned a 2 column tool....I cannot use it right now unless I have some time clean...
here is a link if some of you are interested...it really helps... http://sites.google.com/site/corere...y/2-column-tool anyway....right now I will write down the following : RESERVATIONS AND DOWNSIDES that I think about when getting clean : -Convinced I am not an addict... -admitting I am sick, have a disease, am an addict -afraid that I cannot enjoy life without using -I have to stop other substances other than my DOC also such as: alcohol... weed -I still think about times when I got drunk or high and had a great time long time ago. I still have good times when I am high and drunk but they seldom happen ...I will miss them when I become clean -I know it's clean for today but also difficult to imagine for the rest of life -do not like being labeled an addict. -problem admitting that I am not in control and powerless -I know that i am not in control now -problem surrendering to God and get to know my hp -Having problems with this (HP and God) (NA PERSPECTIVE) NA advises that -I need to attend meetings always for the rest of my life and get a sponsor and work the steps everyday...for the rest of my life.... difficult to accept | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 1, 2014, 5:47 PM
HOW I CURRENTLY FEEL IN LIFE:
-Grumpy. angry -depressed -loss of pleasure in all activities except using -jobless -never have money saved -relationship problems/weak relationships with all people including family -hiding my habit all the time -extreme paranoia -psychosis -car accidents -irresponsible/negligence -Health problems...not grave but never feel healthy -couch potato -not confident/weak/low esteem at times/ -sleeping late...waking late..."not doing anything productive" -acting stupid at times -cannot think straight at all...f -anxiety... here are some stuff I can think of right now... WELL WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?? AM I STUPID?? ARE THEY NOT ENOUGH reason for me to stop using? I got used to life described in the words I mention above that I regard it as normal... and accept it as LIFE....I sure hope to find what other recovering addicts mention.... and discover what real life is...I understand it is no park ride but sure am excited to discover what recovering addicts say about it..it is going to be difficult to reach there... | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: September 1, 2014, 5:48 PM
As difficult to accept as addiction for the rest of your life ??......
-------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 1, 2014, 5:54 PM
Writing is really helping me out...
here are my goals in order to set a frame for wanting recovery -I want to be healthy; mind wise and physically In the future : -I want to have a family and kids -I need to get a Job soon...I have a decent diploma...I hope to find something that I love doing.... I do not really know what I love doing but I hope to discover that when I become sober... Above all..I just want to sit on that damn chair...and feel inner peace and calm .... ......I just want to want nothing | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: September 1, 2014, 8:31 PM
A good, proven method of recovery will give that to you.
AA's Promises http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The...AA_Promises.pdf NA works the same way. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: September 1, 2014, 10:35 PM
Sober turtle, my heart is breaking for you and for your parents. My son (20) is also a mess. I have not always been convinced that a loving God exists, but at nearly 50 I have come to be certain that there is a powerful, loving being watching over us. I know it's hokey, but you need to believe in something far bigger than yourself. Reach out and He will heal you. Tonight I will pray for you and for my own child. God wants you to have a joy filled life. You, my friend, are living a hell on earth. There are wonderful days ahead--just start with a belief in the possibility that someone far more powerful than your addiction is waiting for you to call on Him. I sincerely wish you God's best.
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 3, 2014, 9:08 AM
My first day sober today
the day is halfway through i will be going to an NA meeting later in the evening i am fine i am excited to discover who i really am and build an identity ..i do not really know who i am ...it is as if i lost my soul and identity so ya ...i am happy ...excited | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 8, 2014, 9:09 AM
hello
struggling to get a few days of recovery together Cannot get 2 days together .... ...anyway what is important is that I am seeking recovery and working hard to get there ...thank you everyone here on this forum who offer their support ...Zebra...papa bear and Larry :) Since I have no close meetings near me...I am currently doing online meetings and I managed to get someone to help me ...guide me through the steps...very much appreciated for their help....thank you Larry I am drifting farther from my girlfriend....cocaine has fu ked with my mind so much...I am paranoid all the time...imagining stuff...insecurities ...analyzing stuff way too much...ridiculous..... I do not really know yet how to use the steps...but I am reading about them...I am practicing step one ....I am trying to deepen its meanings and understand how they relate to me I am powerless over my addiction ....stop being in denial and accept that I am not in control and that my life has become unmanageable ......well I am powerless...because I cannot control any of my use...and my life has become hell....I cannot manage to look for a job and I find no pleasure in anything I need to deepen this step more...because I have reservations and I am still in denial a little....I will keep working on it until I am a 100 % convinced that I am powerless...I need to stop fighting ... well...I am happy to be here...in my current mindset...I am grateful for that...I am also grateful for the things I have in life...I never appreciated them | ||
Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: September 8, 2014, 2:17 PM
Hi Soberturtle
You inspire me a lot in a way that even I can't explain. Every time I pop into the site I got to come and read your posts. It might seem like there is no end to it all but with time you will get control over your life. A big key as well is that you find who you are again. I lost myself every time I got back to heroin and started loosing myself again recently with pain pills. Go and find activities that you can part take in. Make a list of each one that doesn't cut it, you do it again and hopefully by the second time around you will find things to do that you love doing. Really don't mean to be harsh but maybe it would be better if you took some time away from your girlfriend. It is not fair towards her and what is important now is to find yourself again. Good luck and God bless | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 12, 2014, 7:02 PM
well ive been writing for 40 minutes my thoughts here and somehow I pressed a button and all got deleted anyway im writing again...I need them thoughts recorded
anyway so this is end of day 1 sober I am whining all the time and I need to man up to become sober ...but it isn't so easy here is why...in my case.... I still do enjoy using at times....I still do enjoy alcohol and I still do enjoy cocaine sometimes "SOMETIMES"....other times...it is just horrible Sometimes I wish that my addiction was way worse so I can be 100% convinced that I am powerless....I believe I am still in denial... but I do drink everyday almost ...it is getting worst and I do cocaine around 3 grams a week ....I would do more but can't pay for it ....lots of times I use to feel normal...I feel relieved when I have that first drink or that first line..... I do believe that many factors are in the way of my addiction spinning out of my control like me hiding it from my family n GF for instance....and the shame and guilt I would feel if they ever knew....so just a thought: God forbid.... if my family did not exist ...this would spin out of control and who knows what would happen to me.... I still do enjoy it sometimes like I mentioned above ....I still do have some nice nights with friends...but they are few....I have lost pleasure in doing most things.... I live to use I cannot live without using and I cannot live with using.... I am reading a lot of NA and about the steps...I am struggling at step one admitting I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.....I am also struggling to say good bye...these are substances I spent more than a decade with...so don't know what to call it....scared of letting go...don't really know...may be someone can relate... However...I am enjoying the NA or AA book a lot....I relate to so many things....at times, it is as if I am being described....is it not enough evidence ...why am is struggling to let go? am I scared of living life without drugs? why can't I just let go? Do I need to wait until I know what happens for me to get convinved? Jails , institutions and death? do I have to wait for these things to happen so I would stop? why can't knowledge be sufficient? why can't I learn from others' experiences, do I have to be in their shoes to understand? ' but the evidence is all there....I have written about it in my posts over and over again....but yet the brain convinces me otherwise....perhaps it is because I am in a good mood today...I really do not know....I really do not know...what a piece of work.... it is all out there the evidence? I wake , all I think is of using and I neglect everything else ...and I use and then many of those times...I feel like crap .,.....few times I have a good time and those are all what stick in my mind.... 2 days ago ...I used...the next day ...I knelt down and prayed to Jesus to take this away from me( AND I AM NOT RELEGIOUS AT ALL)..just born Christian but currently agnostic...well that is not the point ....is it not enough evidence that I cannot do this alone , that I am asking for help....that I am here as well....posting post after post hoping all the time that I get replies...."help" ...isn't this not evidence enough? wow my English and my writing have become so bad...well.. well anyway thank you to everyone who reply and give their opinions....I appreciate it a lot no matter what it is....also...always good to get opinions from fresh eyes... I am grateful to everything I have in life and I am so thankful....I feel so bad that there are so many unprivileged people that are suffering from so many worse things....and I am whining about an alcohol and cocaine addiction...it is just how I feel....empathy....well I hope one day to be able to help as many people as I can once I am done helping myself out.....for now...I am just thankful...don't know to who....but for who iam and what I have (forget the using ) This post has been edited by soberturtle on September 12, 2014, 7:05 PM | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: September 12, 2014, 9:12 PM
We grieve our old life.
I began drinking/using at 15 and went to recovery at 45. I know how you feel. I always thought I was so unique .. so different .. until I went to rehab and ended up in a recovery home with 200 people just like me ! I realized I am just a garden variety drunk/addict and I'd better get on with recovery or die like millions of others have. I enjoy the meetings so much today. I relate with all the AA/NAs and I feel at home. It doesn't happen overnight though, I have to work at it. And prayer works whether you are a believer or not .. just don't quit before the miracle happens. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: September 13, 2014, 4:52 PM
I admit I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable
done with this step 100% done no 1000 % admit this off to step 2 ill come back when I have 3 days clean glad that I admitted step 1 so glad :) | ||
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Posted: September 20, 2014, 8:25 AM
Hi soberturtle
Been following your posts and wondering how are you doing? Hope you are still keeping strong, would like to hear how things are going with you x | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: September 20, 2014, 9:24 AM
Welcome home my friend!
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: October 18, 2014, 10:10 AM
Hello,
Missed this forum and you guys but i promised myself i won't come back whining and repeating the same stuff unless i get 3 days clean....well here i am at the end of my 3rd day ....couldn't wait for it to end....because i feel proud... anyway since i last posted here....i was using and couldn't get 2 days clean together.....barely a day.... I also tried to experiment...i would use .for example i would go drink and write down what i was feeling at that moment while using.....because when i am not using...my brain screws me up and makes me think i enjoy it everytime....so i wrote down my feelings again and again while using and to my surprise only 3 out of 10 times did i enjoy the using....and it's declining....the rest of the times....i just drink or use my DOC cocaine because i am simply an addict and to relieve some withdrawal symptoms... this thought never leaves my mind....travelling with friends to Las Vagas or some kind of exotic beach...you get what i mean.....i cannot imagine being there...enjoying the night life ....the parties...the beach...without a buzz ...without a drink.....but then someone enlightened me and here is what i got out of it: Although i still enjoy the "high" that i get from using at "times" and i emphasise at "times" ...there's a vast difference between using and getting high....the using is everything before , during and after the high....it is the consequences...the emotions....how your life basicly is .....well my life is total shi t because of using....SO...although i might enjoy the high at times...my life is a total disaster because when im not using....im always angry, my relationships are crap , aggressive , anxious, feel no pleasure in any activity etc etc.... so simple descision i have here: 1-either continue using and enjoy some OF the highs that i still manage that will soon diminish to zero because addiction is progressive and suffer the consequences in daily life when im not using which makes me angry...depressed etc.... OR 2-Accept that i am an addict and that i cannot moderate and live a normal life with using and seek recovery which lead to inner calmness and happiness from what i understand from other recovering addicts. I think the latter seems more resonable don't you ? :) anyway... I am grateful that i became sick 3 days ago....hence....i was able to stop... the irony....i am grateful to have caought a virus...a cold whatever you call it...but it gave me the incentive and ability to be able to initiate my recovery...i wasn't able to stop alone...got sick....felt no desire to use.... anyway ...im almost on the end of day 3....i am attending online meetings...i am having the weirdeset dreams.....anxiety hit the roof yesterday...starting to diminish now...little sleep...but all tolerable....of course being sick helped alot since i didn't desire using but it came with a whole bunch of withdrawal symptoms i just mentioned.... right now....i feel neutral leaning more towards positive I'm engaging in NA online meetings and i hope LARRY is still available to cover the steps with me online.... right now...i admit i am powerless over my addiction because simply i cannot control and my life is crap because of addiction ...yes very clearly unmanagable... I am not sticking to only one path for recovery ...true i will be following NA teachings because i liked them and i can relate to them but i will also consider all options... so here i am after my last relapse during December 2013....i finally managed to get 3 days clean :) this is going to be a long long tough trip please share and tell me what you think thank u This post has been edited by soberturtle on October 18, 2014, 10:23 AM | ||
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