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Posted: June 25, 2016, 10:53 PM
Hi everybody,
Don't know why, but I'm feeling sorry for myself. I feel alone. I know my daughter is just minutes away, but if I see her, things will go badly. I love her so much, it's tearing me apart not to see her or hear her voice. I'm remembering the sweetest, smartest, silliest little girl who was always so headstrong. I love her to death. I worry that will be the next thing to come. I get on here everyday & allow myself to cry every so often to lift this heavy burden off my heart. I got to thinking, I came to a decision....I don't want to ever say anything mean to her ever again. If she dies from this hideous drug, I want her to know up to the very end how much I loved her. I want her to know despite everything, I still love her so very much. I wish I could hurt somebody, anybody for taking my little girl away from me. Beautiful, so smart..wanted to be a doctor. What a tremendous waste. I educate myself watching addicts' stories on utube nearly every night, etc...I need to understand, and I am trying so hard. I'm seeing this has been coming for a long time. I finally do see it's a sickness that is nearly impossible to move beyond..... It just hurts so much. Thank you for hearing me. As if you can't tell, I'm cleansing my soul today. I let the tears flow, then I get back to business...stuffing it down inside until the next time. love you all... God bless you & your loved ones. Dee | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: June 26, 2016, 12:15 AM
Hi Dee, I understand! I feel the same as you at times too. Someone once said to me that it's like living with someone who has a terminal illness. I have to agree it must be similar. It's so sad! No one knows how we feel but us. I think me having my grand daughter to bring up is what helps me move on as she keeps me busy. She's 10 and I have had her for 7-8 years. Her birthday was last week and her mother showed up at 8pm at night to say happy birthday. I was so mad but said nothing. I just wish my daughter would get her life together for her daughters sake and not let my grand daughter have this worry following her when she's an adult. I told her last week that she's had 10 yrs to clean up her act, but it falls on deaf ears.This drug lifestyle is such a sad existence. I was thinking about that today strangely enough. I was thinking what a beautiful day it was and how happy my daughter use to be going to the beach, sitting in the sun, laughing. Now she lives her life indoors, covers her arms going out, sleeps a lot and never smiles much because drugs have drained all the happiness out of her brain. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Dee. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well. ((Hugs)). Mary
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Posted: June 26, 2016, 12:52 PM
Mandm
Thank you for your reply & the support. I just got to the place where I had to let it out. I feel like I'll explode some days. It's just so hard as you know. For sure, no one can truly understand but another mom, or loved one of an addict. I hope with all my heart, that your daughter gets her act together if for no one else, her daughter. I'm glad that little girl brings some light into your life. I always wanted grandchildren, but I don't want my daughter bringing a child into the mess called her life. Your granddaughter is blessed to have you. Stay strong....Thank you~. ((hugs)) love & God bless you, Dee | ||
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Posted: June 26, 2016, 1:44 PM
Hi Dee,
I so understand, and here is a virtual hug for you. When I get down I come on here to give myself a mental boost that what I have done is right. I don't talk to anyone about my son. My son had a genius IQ wanted to be a Marine Biologist. He was so handsome, a such a big smile. Now he can't remember what day it is, who he talked to. His teeth are missing or rotten. He smells. Tattoos all over body. Only good thing is he got rig of all the piercings. I have no idea where he is now. I used to wish he disappeared and leave me be and now that it has happened,now I want those annoying phone calls. I know it's healthier for us not to be involved in their lives. My husband has a saying we bring them into the world. They need to leave the nest and make their own way in the world. If they choose the wrong way we can't fixed it. We taught them right from wrong. If they choose the right way we will stay in the background and watch them grow and prosper. Our lives shouldn't be just to live for our children. Our hard earned money shouldn't enable them to sponge off us because they choose the wrong path. Any day we could be gone and they wouldn't miss us because they would find another poor soul to manipulate. My son is so good at convincing others to help him it's almost a gift. My husband has issues with this children also nothing with drugs, just selfishness and self absorb in their own world. This is the best place to vent, cry and just let us know how you are doing. In the beginning that is what I did.I've been coming a year now. Nothing has change for him. But I do have a better relationship with my other son's because I don't throw their brother up in conversation anymore. I don't dwell on their behavior towards him. I had a few tears myself reading your post, because you have the same hurt I do and have to hide it the same way. Push it back down until another crack happens. God give you strenght as we need it. Remember we are all here for each other. XXX Sue This post has been edited by Helplessness on June 26, 2016, 1:50 PM | ||
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Posted: June 27, 2016, 3:58 PM
Sue,
I hope your day is decent today. Just wanted to thank for you for your reply, love & support. I needed the virtual hug. :) Your son had a lot going for him. It's so sad it's being wasted and you carry that heaviness in your heart. Glad he got rid of the piercings at least. It's heart breaking to watch them go downhill. I don't know what's worse, knowing ...or not knowing. Neither is preferable. Yep, we should let them be, but easier said than done, huh? Your husband's right. We all did our jobs & gave them good starts in life. I repeat the 3 C's nearly everyday to myself. Sorry your son has learned the clever gift of manipulation. You're not alone. My daughter should really be an actress. She can be so convincing if she chooses to be, complete with real tears! Like you, I'm staying close to my son & other daughter. I don't want my addicted daughter's whereabouts, etc...to always take up so much of the conversation. I try to limit it & focus on them. Just know I love you & you are so much a part of my daily thoughts & prayer. We are so blessed to have each other. love & God bless you, Dee | ||
Posts: 7
Joined: June 21, 2016
Posted: July 2, 2016, 11:09 PM
Dee,
You are right, we do have a lot in common and are dealing with the same hurt and pain from these drugs that have taken our beloved children from us. I know exactly how you feel. To watch my child go from an smart, outgioing, loving, caring and supportive youngman to a drug addict, drug dealer, lia and theif was heart wrenching. Then i got all hopeful last year when he finally went rehab. He did his 30 days and it wasn't even 7 whole days and he was overdosed and then jail. He sat in jail for 40 days i refused to bail him out and at first he was mad then he realized i was saving his life and he thanked me for it. He got out and about a month later i caught him going out with his ex girlfriend that was still heavily using and that was one of the rules after jail, no ex girlfriend or your out. So he went and lived with her for about a month but congrats to him he did not break down and shoot up. But he did start smoking weed again then he also did aome benzos with the ex. However he got sick of the ex using and being sick when she was out of money and expecting him to foot her habit so he came back home. He was smoking weed about 3to 5 times a week. But he did get a job. However then he got this new friend and got into what the new friend did for drugs which was ketamine and robo tripping which consist of drinking a ton of cough syrup till they say they trip like lsd i guess and also coke. And my son doesn't just do drugs he goes all out hardcore doing drugs. He was awake for close to 6 days out of his mind amd finally crashed. When he woke he said no more. He was good for about 3 weeks then he met this new girlfriend and also got a new job. He was working non stop so he had some big pay checks but also the girfriend gets thousands from her grandma with alzhimers, she is basically scamming her grandmother. So now he has all this money and a girlfriend that has access to more money and he is working in an area were drugs are. The girlfriend i found out is a heroin smoker and gets heavy duty cancer pain pills from her mother. My son got right baxk into snorting the pain pills and selling them for benzos because honestly those are his drug of choice. He was up to a 20 pill a day habbit of the benzos and the his girlfriend talked him into shooting up some of her heroin. And well you know the rest of the story from there, he od'd then got hit and nearly died, had 2 major brain surgeries and then signed himself out of the hospital 6 days after the last surgery against medical advice. Wasn't back to girlfriends house for only 4 days and back into hospital on an overdose. I feel your pain Dee, i wish there was something we could do to fix them, change them, rewind time and prevent this all from happening. As mothers this hurts so much that only another mother could understand. The pain is unbearable it feels as though our hearts are being ripped out of our chests every waking secong of the day. The only peace we get is when we sleep, but we are so afraid to close our eyes that sleep ia something we rarely see. Eating, drinking, talking and breaning hurts. Everytime the phone rings our stomachs drop. Everytime a message pops up our chest tightens. The pain is horrific and all we are left to do is pray. Dee I am here, right here with you sweetie, and all I can say is i kmow and understand how you feel and i wish as much as you do that there was a way we could fix them. I feel as sorry for myself as you do honey. I am here for yyou..... And thank you for being here for me. ❤ | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 3, 2016, 3:10 PM
Laura, thank you for sharing.
I reread your other post. Its a nightmare, but unfortunately too common. Is he covered by insurance. The only thing I can think of is to find a detox, rehab, halfway house. Where they transition from one to the other. This way, they are not homeless in 30 days, and have to find a new place for the next step. Because of the surgeries and medical issues, he needs to be off the streets for a long time - to give time to heal from the injuries, etc. And be in a safe environment where they can monitor meds, etc. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 3, 2016, 3:19 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 4, 2016, 11:57 AM
Check out the Find Treatment and Sober Housing sections of this website
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Posted: July 4, 2016, 6:26 PM
Laura,
Thank you for your compassionate response to my post. I swear in all honesty, I credit you & others on here, for keeping my chin up. It's so easy to fall down & wallow in sorrow. But having you all makes my days brighter. What a blessing you are!~ My daughter faded away like your son. She used to have a glow about her, now I'm lucky if I see a flicker of light in her. They cannot possibly understand how awful this affliction is, this addiction is for those in their families, too. It must have been VERY hard to let your son sit in jail. What a relief he didn't lash out at you later on, but . I know it could have gone either way, at the time. I commend your bravery! My daughter dapples in this or that too. Zanex, pain pill here & there, weed, etc...Of course, I worry it will bring her Heroin's doorstep. I could live with the weed if that's all she was using or would be using. So I can sure understand your worries. You've had your fair share, dear lady, and then some! I'm SO SORRY to read he's doing more drugs & shooting up. It HURTS!! No person on earth can understand this till they've been through. it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's HELL on earth. I hate the phone & pray when it rings. When I see the answering machine blinking, my stomach gets queasy. If I hear an ambulance go by, I pray it's not my daughter. You're not alone in these things...Sad to say, we all go through it, I think. Thank you for being here for me, as I will be for you. Stay strong. You'll be in my prayers as always. love & God bless, Dee | ||
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Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: July 5, 2016, 5:45 AM
trying to understand us will make you as insane as we are....until you actually put a needle in your arm daily, or use a drug so you need it to the point you don't even want it anymore...you will not understand....no matter how much you want and need to..when you understand this...when you stop trying to Understand us...that will be the beginning of YOUR sanity....and quite possibly ours
I know your all hurting...and it makes the guilt so much more when I read it...I'm so sorry...but this is the only way I can offer anything to ease your burden...and maybe mine if anything ...an old post from Tim might help a bit...not sure if it's just depressing or informative...but...for what it's worth...here it is: Ok, get comfortable, this is going to be long. Please be patient as this may be hard to explain via this medium but I will do my best. First and foremost, most people, addicts included, either don't know or don't believe that addiction is a very real, very physical disease. We are not addicts because we are weak and we don't have trouble quitting for that reason either. I'm going to attempt to explain what addiction truly is and why it is so hard to overcome so put your feet up and bear with me for a bit, k? There is a natural chemical that our brain produces that is called Dopamine. This chemical is what stimulates our pleasure center and also what lets our brain interpret what measures it needs to take for survival. So, picture if you will, the following. On one side of your brain you have a "sac" that contains the Dopamine, on the other side of your brain you have a receptor (For the rest of this post I'm going to refer to this receptor as a gate for easier explanation). Now, in a normal, non addicted brain, Dopamine is released naturally after say a good meal or sex. In the normal course of things for instance, if we eat a steak dinner, the sac will release the normal amount of Dopamine, let's say one squirt. The gate opens, receives the Dopamine, we feel good and everything is as it should be. Now, drugs also release Dopamine only at a much higher level, so while a candy bar might release one "squirt" of Dopamine, drugs release up to 100 times the normal amount of Dopamine. So, when we first begin to use, we swallow a pill or shoot some Heroin, 100 squirts of Dopamine gets released causing the Euphoric feeling that leads us to use again. The problem now though is that after a while, that one gate cannot open fast enough to accept the unusually high amount of Dopamine that is being supplied, so being the amazing organ that the human brain is, it simply grows another gate to help it accommodate. So, now we have 2 gates that are open and want to be fed. So instead of needing to only take 1 or 2 pills a day, suddenly we find that we need 3 or 4. Now 200 times the normal amount of Dopamine is being released and the process continues, these 2 gates need help so the brain grows another, and another and another........Now we find ourselves needing 6 or 7 pills a day. While this is happening our brain is led to believe that it now HAS to have this chemical to survive, just as it knows that it needs food and sex to live and to reproduce. It know thinks that without drugs it will die, for you see the brain doesn't know what we are giving it, just that it MUST have it or die. So, with continued use, our tolerance grows due to the extra gates that we have open, that need to be fed and fed on a consistent basis. So, as opposed to the normal brain that has it's one normal gate, an addict may have 20 or 30 gates now. This is why we can take drugs in a high enough dosage that it would kill a normal person but for us it is the amount that we need just to feed all those gates and keep ourselves normal. So now, we decide to quit. Easy enough, right?, I mean, just stop swallowing the pills and all will be well (ever been told that?). Well, as you know, it's not that easy and the reason why is when we suddenly take that drug away,...stop feeding those gates, our brain goes into panic mode, it thinks it is dying. So, what follows? 7 to 10 days of extreme sickness (WD). Our brain is sending out distress signals just like it would if we quit eating (think for a minute what a human will do if they get hungry enough and then you can see why addicts will do things they never thought themselves capable of to get what they need.) Now, after the first few days, the brain begins to realize that it is not going to die and we start to physically feel better. But that is by no means the end of the problem. Think of those gates for a minute, wouldn't it be nice if when we quit they disappeared and everything went back to normal? Unfortunately, that is not the case, the addicts brain is forever altered. Those gates NEVER go away, we will always have all those extras. Now, this is where it is so difficult in early recovery. Ok, so we have quit taking drugs, we feel a little better, BUT now we eat a candy bar, the normal amount (that one squirt) of Doapmine is released, BUT ALL of those extra gates open to receive it and our brain starts to scream "IT'S NOT ENOUGH", which of course it is not, we have 30 gates opening, expecting to be fed and they get one little blast instead of what it is used to. This is why in early recovery anything that releases Dopamine needs to be reduced or eliminated if possible. Of course we have to eat, we can't eliminate that of course but have you ever noticed when you first got clean that you found yourself overeating or craving right after a good meal? We crave after we eat because those gates are open and we may overeat trying to satisfy the need for excess Dopamine. That is why it is a good idea to avoid sweets or products like NyQuil, because they contain sugar and alcohol, which "teases' those gates unnecessarily. Now, while those gates never go away, the good news is that after we are clean for awhile, they do become less sensitive. Eventually even though they are still there, fewer will open and things return to as close to normal as we will ever be able to get to. So, basically we have them, they are laying dormant and if we get say a good 6 months to a year clean time, they pretty much leave us alone. BUT, how many times have you heard an addict say that they were clean for a while and thought they could just use recreationally now and control it? Of course we can't control it, once we take that first pill (or whatever) again, the HUGE amount of Doapmine is released and ALL of those dormant gates are wakened and our tolerance is just as high as it always was. We don't have to build it back up, we pick right back up at the amounts that we are accustomed to. Or how many times have you seen someone who never had a drinking problem get clean from pills and then become an alcoholic? They think that if they are not taking their DOC they will be ok. But remember, our brain doesn't know if we are feeding it Vicodin, Heroin or whiskey. All it knows or cares about it is the end result that the substance produces. Now, we are getting clean, the WD's are over, we are not using any other substance but yet we are miserable, can't sleep, are depressed, anxious, etc, etc....Now, why is this, it's not fair, right?, I mean, we did what we were supposed to and yet we feel so ABNORMAL and it seems to last forever. Well, the reason for this is simple, when we were growing all those extra gates and training our brain to rely on a unnatural chemical, we ACTUALLY, PHYSCIALLY altered the chemical makeup in the brain. So, now we may be clean but we are left with a bunch of synopsis (sic),and receptors that are in essence "misfiring". We feel the way we do because our brain in no longer functioning normally. This does eventually heal but it is not a quick process by any means. Our brains have to repair all the damage we did when we went in and rearranged it's furniture so to speak. Usually this takes anywhere from several months to a year. The longest time belonging to those whose DOC is opiated based, such as Vicodin, Percocet, Oxycontin and Heroin. This is why such extreme caution has to be use in early recovery and also why so many addicts relapse. It take so long to feel normal again that most of us give up and return to the drug induced normality that they are used to. The sad truth is that only 2 out of 10 addicts recover. And it again is not because they are weak people, but rather because it is such an enormous battle mentally that most lose. I mean, how long can you go through living everyday just not caring about anything? Most can't get through that. BUT, if your stay strong, have a support system and be patient, one day you discover that you can smile again and while it may only last a few seconds, it is a real feeling and you can being to hope. There is life after drugs, and I won't lie, it is NEVER the same as it was before the addiction takes us but it can be rewarding and meaningful. So, as far as what to do to continue successful recovery, A support system is key as is proper diet and Vitamins. Especially Zinc and Magnesium as these are two that we deplete with use and also the ones necessary to provide the quickest MENTAL recovery. Con This post has been edited by constantine on July 5, 2016, 7:13 AM | ||
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Posted: July 5, 2016, 12:00 PM
Con (&Tim),
Thank you for putting up this post & thank you to the one who wrote it. I'll take any & all info to help me try 'n understand at least on some level, this dreadful addiction. It's take hold of my daughter & I'm trying to understand however minute that may be. Than you so much! Love & God bless, Dee | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 5, 2016, 12:14 PM
WoW - so much to read, so many good points, Con - the post from Tim is so correct, so informative. The problem is to get the addict clean so the brain chemicals start getting back to normal, and then the nutritional benefits take hold. which takes time. All of this is hopeful in that we can at least believe our child can reverse the damage at some point when they are clean.
I watched a nutritional seminar on line recently. When mice were given cocaine and became addicted to it, and they were given sugar and became addicted to it. When the same mice were given a choice, they went for the sugar, not the cocaine. Americans are faced with a slew of addictive substances, that undermine our immune system and body functioning. changing diet is slow going, but if you decide that I am going to live for another 20 years, and I would rather be healthy and high functioning 20 years from now. It gives some motivation. I am going thru that now. I am not as self motivated as I used to be. I know that smoking cigarettes is a big cause. low energy and procrastinating. I am battling with trying to give myself a kick in the a** . I quit on and off. I will try again.! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 5, 2016, 12:26 PM | ||
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Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: July 5, 2016, 3:02 PM
NY/Dee....ya it was kind of long...but I thought maybe a worthy read...I find it depressing in some ways but informative too...at least I know why it's so damn hard...doesn't help me/or maybe us addicts all that much in ways..but sometimes if you know the reason you can at least tell yourself ...this is why and maybe somehow find that last push...or fail again but not beat yourself up or quit...on both sides
This post has been edited by constantine on July 5, 2016, 3:18 PM | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: July 7, 2016, 12:33 AM
Hi Constantine, That post from Tim was very informative! You would do many a great service by posting that on its own as a new post explaining what drugs do to people's brains. Thank you for posting that I really appreciate it. I also liked the post you wrote on June 28th at 8.04. Another must read posting that you should post on its own!! You talked about how addicts don't care about anything really, protective services ODing,dying,nothing frightens them. Being a mother of a long time drug addict of 18yrs. I kind of knew or read similar things that don't explain it as well. You say it like it is and no sugar coating it and it's easy to understand. How are you in your recovery? I wish you well and hope you get where all your doors eventually stay shut and you can live that almost to normal as it gets life again. Haven't seen Babylove on here in awhile. I hope she's doing alright? You might not think it but I worry about you all too! I get used to seeing some and reading their posts and start to care how their lives are going and I always hope for the best for you guys. God bless and thank you again! Mary.
This post has been edited by Mandm on July 7, 2016, 12:47 AM | ||
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: July 7, 2016, 1:29 AM
Awwww Mary..it's not all that..I just try to help as best I can....you guys keep me sane as well...Tims piece is good but...in the long run. ..it doesn't matter ...nice to get some info but it doesn't make the reality go away...it still is what it is...but hope is better than no hope...stay strong. ..go to your mtgs...and I'm doing what I can too...if you dig around in here check out some old posts by M&M...hugs an prayers to you...
Con M&M is MomandMore This post has been edited by constantine on July 7, 2016, 1:45 AM | ||
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Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 7, 2016, 7:58 AM
Along the thread of alternatives, I came across this: Y12SR.com = Yoga 12 Step Recovery
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: July 7, 2016, 2:01 PM
NY...I've always preferred these steps...lol...sorry if the language offends...little humor....😒
The 12 f***ing Steps Step 1: I’m f***ed Step 2: There might be a way out of this f***ing mess Step 3: Decide to level the f*** up Step 4: Take a good hard look at how f***ed up I am Step 5: Tell someone else about all the f***ed up stuff I’ve been through Step 6: Prepare to stop being such a f*** up Step 7: Try to stop acting so f***ed up Step 8: Make a list of everyone I f***ed over Step 9: Swallow my f***ing pride and tell them I really f***ed up, except when doing so would f*** them harder. Step 10: Keep an eye on my f***ed up thinking and behavior Step 11: Chill the f*** out sometimes Step 12: Help the next poor f***er that walks through the door This post has been edited by constantine on July 7, 2016, 2:02 PM | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 7, 2016, 2:28 PM
You'll never help anyone with those 12 Steps.
-------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: July 7, 2016, 3:45 PM
Humor PB...it's humor..not intended to be worked...though it does have its moments...
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Posted: July 7, 2016, 6:45 PM
Thanks Constantine!~
You made me laugh! lol Love & God bless, Dee | ||
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