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Posted: December 10, 2011, 8:11 PM
where to start,
um... i guess i just started having fun with friends injecting speed and started the long slide down for five years i was in the grip of a gram a day habbit, lost so many friends, usual story right... So i cleaned up myself, straight detox, no clinic or program. I was clean for six years and i guess that worked while i remained disconnected from the scene, but i hadnt learnt any coping mechanisms to deal with the urges and cravings and as soon as i run into temptation which is never far away, i feel the other me, take over and i have no control over my decisions, i know it's bad, i dont want to do it. but there i am pulling back on the barrel again. what the F@#$ is wrong with me i know this could end my relationship with my VERY UNDERSTANDING partner, but i continually go behind her back. when im not getting it it's all i think about.at the moment i am back to using once a week but finding harder to control myself. i don't want to go back. but i know i'm pushing myself back there. | ||
Posts: 144
Joined: October 25, 2011
Posted: December 11, 2011, 12:50 AM
Thanks for sharing Drew. I was hoping some of the ole pro's would have posted by now, but they will soon I promise.
Sounds like you are very aware of the entire problem, and you done something right for 6 years by disconnecting from that scene. And since you didn't go to N/A and have a sponsor you never learned the steps, including how to control the urges, cravings, when you are around the people, places that is the trigger, and no safety nets in place either. Those have to be in place, and you have to learn to avoid triggers, and what to do when you can't avoid them. I can't tell you how, only a program and a sponsor would be your best bet. Of course you know the very first thing you should try is to remember exactly how you broke free, and stayed clean for 6 years. You say by disconnecting from all that, so I guess you can't do that now for some reason? Man if you could I would do it ASAP. Just run like hell from it, then get to meetings, and a sponsor. If course you admit what your doing to your partner is wrong, and your right again about losing her and everything else. You need to completely honest with her, and fast! Maybe if she knew it would make disconnecting from it much easier? Not sure but I get it that u can't just tell her pack up were leaving without a really good reason right? So if she knows everything now, ask her to help you, tell her how you did it last time you got clean. Figure something out together, 2 heads are better than 1 especially when yours is stuck between right/wrong/ and acting on what you know is best. Drew I think honestly you are right on the edge of doing the right thing, I can see you really want it, and your admitting it tells me your only a few words, and actions to being free again, and saving your relationship and all. But I'm gonna give you my honest straight forward opinion about this no b/s. TELL your wife everything RIGHT NOW !! You have to be 100% honest, and truthful about everything !!! Tell her you need her help, now more than ever. Work a plan together, that's what a marriage is, a team effort. Pick each other up, talk, educate, review options. Whatever, but don't wait another day, tell her now!! Stay away from the triggers, move away if you can, get to meetings, they have them for her also to help understand and deal with it from her view. Get a sponsor and do it all right. Drew your a smart guy I can tell, and you know what's going to happen if you make the wrong choice. So do the right thing my friend and tell your partner what's going on, then go from there. I hope I didn't upset you, I wish I was better at this, but from what I do know this is the best advice I have for you, and I can tell your strong enough to win this time for good because your asking for help !! Good for you. Go get your wife, partner, and become a team. Pray to your Higher Power, and come out clean for good !! Good luck buddy, I'm here if you need anything. Please keep posting so I and others can help, and so we know how your doing, because we care about you I promise that. Sincerely , Your new friend, Lonny -------------------- A dead end road is simply put: a place to turn around! | ||
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