| < prev | post replypost new topic |
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: January 16, 2014, 9:17 AM
Not sure where you saw any suggestion or advice in my post...I merely pointed out that you have no control over your son's actions and asked some valid questions about boundaries and agreements. While you might have some influence over his decision-making if he respects and admires you and is willing to listen to whatever your message is, you still cannot make him do things your way...he can always make a different choice to leave and live as he chooses. As for being selective in understanding your points...I read every word of your posts and responded from my experience which is all I have. As they say in AA: take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you and your family the best ~ M&M This post has been edited by MomNMore on January 16, 2014, 9:21 AM -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
Posts: 16
Joined: January 1, 2014
Posted: January 16, 2014, 11:36 AM
Fair enough & my apologies if I offended you… I will try to answer your post.
No, there was never a discussion with regards to boundaries or agreements concerning my son’s phone. But PLEASE KIM… he is only 18 YEARS OLD & given the circumstances I felt I had every right as a parent to access resent phone calls, text messages, or whatever, to find out with whom he has been engaged with leading to his reckless behavior. How else am I going to get a better understanding of what we are up against? As it turned out (as I have already mentioned), his most recent conversations were with two other 18 year old boys, & a 15 year old girl, all of which are engaged in drugs and alcohol. The worst of which is the 15 year old girl whose step father, "turns-on"( visitors) minors to pot. Could this information ever have come out if I hadn’t intervened? Who knows, but now I have a better understanding of how to proceed. Now I know how serious his drug addiction is and obvious underlying issues that must be addressed. And of course, I am not naïve, he will choose his own path regardless of what I choose to say or do. I hope this answers your question. BTW; no offense, but are there any fathers out there who are experiencing the same thing? I sure would like to hear from U! This post has been edited by M7557 on January 16, 2014, 11:59 AM | ||
Posts: 26
Joined: August 13, 2011
Posted: January 16, 2014, 7:27 PM
I wonder, though, if you really do know how serious his addiction is, or if you merely have the illusion of knowledge. Surely you understand that there are many ways for young adults to communicate, and there is likely much that's going on with him that he doesn't leave a record of.
Your language like "better understanding of how to proceed," and, "obvious underlying issues that must be addressed," isn't consistent with, "helping our son by offering love and guidance." The former speaks of controlling and leading, the latter of offering assistance with an open hand and no strings. Additionally, it will be difficult to fulfill what you see as, "my role as a parent. . . to somehow gain my son’s trust," if you maintain the stance of, "I felt I had every right as a parent to access resent phone calls, text messages, or whatever." It all makes logical sense to you. You needed to know what was going on in order to make a plan, so you accessed his phone records. You will advise and educate and guide, he will see the error of his ways, and come into compliance. I make absolutely no judgment as to the right or wrong of any of it, but I have never seen those strategies yield good outcomes. I'm a mother of a daughter, not the father of a son, so I will only say in closing that I have a late twenties daughter who has come back from those nightmares you spoke of and is doing well. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what "worked" for us was my setting boundaries, expressing love for and faith in her, and then stepping back and letting her experience the consequences of her actions AND the joy and justified pride in her eventual success. | ||
|
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: January 17, 2014, 9:10 AM
M7557, I am never offended by posts on a message board these days, though there was a time in my personal development when I got fired up. Now I offer what I know and step back.
Yankee Gram, that was a spot-on post and expresses my thoughts precisely. I, too, am the mother of a 26 year old recovering daughter, clean now 4 years from IV heroin, and the ONLY thing that 'worked' from the time she was 16 was stepping back and letting her figure out what kind of a life she wanted rather after telling her with love what kind of a life I thought she deserved. Good to see you post. Peace ~ M&M -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
|
Posts: 16
Joined: January 1, 2014
Posted: January 17, 2014, 11:25 AM
No wonder there aren't any fathers on this site. I'm out of here...............
| ||
|
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: January 17, 2014, 11:57 AM
Well, I hope you will stick around and keep posting, it's one of the best ways to help you work through things. There's no reason to take things personally when folks are just speaking their experience. Everyone here realizes they cannot make you do anything that goes against your belief system, but they speak their experience. Everyone does the best they can with what they have, that includes you, me, all of us...when we know better, we do better. There have been fathers that come and go from here, HurtDad is a long-time poster who drops by now and again...there have been others. Why must it be that only a man can validate or understand your experience? Sorry you feel that way...if you drop your defenses a bit and try not to take things so personally, there's a lot of wisdom here...no one wants to attack you.
Peace ~ M&M This post has been edited by MomNMore on January 17, 2014, 1:59 PM -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
Posts: 2378
Joined: December 30, 2005
Posted: January 17, 2014, 3:45 PM
Not sure why you are leaving. People are just expressing their points. Your question about other fathers can be taken much different than what you may mean. If you are wanting me to say you did right or wrong, not going to do that. I can only tell you communication is the only means to your end.
What you did already happened. Are you 2 in any communication at all right now? I will also say no matter how angry he may make you giving in and yelling ends any communication. With some addicts the fight is needed. They can then justify more use because you made them mad. Don't play that game. -------------------- You can get busy living. Or get busy dying. I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others. Jennifer Louden There are no excuses, just people with excuses. LINK: Posts about understanding and healing. A fool learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. However, a brilliant man learns from what has been done right, and what others have done right, and avoids mistakes. | ||
|
Posted: January 23, 2014, 12:08 PM
Hi All,
Responding to : 'No wonder there aren't any fathers on this site. I'm out of here..............." Sorry to hear about your son. I'm the father of 20 year old heroin addict daughter- she is sober 16 months now. (Btw I have 3 kids) I periodically check/read the posts. I came to this site oh about 18 months ago AND I was desperate for help/knowledge/support and most of all advice. This site and folks like Mom&g, 24Gordon, Momg, Hurtdad and many more (sorry can't remember many of the names) gave me the right advice/direction- many thanks for that!!!! I came to this site seeking advice, just like you did- AND I found it. All of these folks are actually here to HELP and share their experiences. These are the people who do know very well what you and your family is going through and they have priceless advice. I'm not claiming that I have a success story- its a lifelong journey. Best of luck to you and the family. Axor | ||
Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: January 23, 2014, 1:10 PM
it isn't about success, it is about day by day coping, living our lives to our fullest and getting some of the negativity out of our lives, that doesn't mean forgetting your loved ones..your comment about dads I think was hurt feelings, we are all here because we love someone that is addicted, I fluffed off a few times because I didn't like some of the answers I got lol I came back, but now I hope I can help. my son, started pot/drugs at 13, rolled into iv heroin a few yeas ago, then meth, then combos..now he is in prison (one week in) and honestly I am relieved he is alive, we can relax, and the community is sure safer..im not sure spying and punishing will work. cut off all funds to him, if he is out after your curfew, lock the doors. the thing I wished I had done differently when my son was younger? step back, let him be responsible for his own acts and honestly wish he had gone to jail many years prior to when he did with those legal consequences...oh well you know what they say wish in one hand and lol
| ||
|
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: January 23, 2014, 2:11 PM
Axor, good to see you...I was thinking about you when the subject of dads came up. We have all been where new posters are and we have all had our feathers ruffled when we didn't hear what we wanted to hear. I think when folks come they are often looking for solutions and fixes for the addict and not for themselves...that was definitely the case with me. I was like, "What?! There's something a problem with ME? I'm not the addict!" I was quite indignant that I should have any work to do on my own reactions and practices. What I DO know to a certainty is that my way was NOT working and yet I kept doing the same things over and over. When I settled in to listen to what I needed to do about me, that's when things turned around.
We all need to find a way to be okay with ourselves no matter how our addicted loved ones behave or what choices they make. I know that for me too much ego was in my way. Good to see you, momg...still owe you an email...soon... Peace ~ M&M -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
|
Posted: January 24, 2014, 12:16 AM
WOW poor father.
Reminds me of my relationship with my father when I was using. I was addicted to pot too and I remember my dad trying to control the situation just like that poor dad. My father tried but the way he acted just drove me further and further away from him. I felt more justified in my actions as I felt that no trust or love existed between us. I don't blame him as he knew no better just as i knew no different. He had a horrible attitude and he always thought he knew best. Thank god for my mother who was there to tell me that I deserved better then the life I was giving myself. It was that though that eventually got me clean. Is this how I want my life to be? My mother tells me im worth more...maybe she is right. I got a great life today and being clean has given me wonderful things. I got a wonderful relationship with my father now. not only because I am clean but because his attitude towards me and life in general is so different. He has become open minded and always willing to learn. I hope that guy realizes that his attitude needs to change because to be honest he is very rude and is clearly not willing accept that he should have handled the situation differently. Always a reason or excuse for everything. I know that is harsh but its true. I have been there with my father and that attitude will only make it less likely that he will ever communicate with you in any positive form. He says no wonder there are no fathers on this site....I say no wonder his son wont talk to him with an attitude like that. If you dont change your son will never respect you. The people here took their time to give you help and advice that YOU came here asking for. They dont look for anything in return so the least you can do is be respectful. You should reflect on your previous posts and I hope you may see that your attitude leaves a lot to be desired. If you want my advice (which im sure you dont) Sit your son down. Apologize for how you reacted even if you dont mean it. Try gain some trust back. Let him know he is a wonderful lad and you are only concerned about him. You only did what you did because you love him and thought what you were doing was the right thing to do. You realize now that the situation should have been handled better. Dont lose your temper. stay calm and speak only of love and concern. Again even if you dont mean it an apology is sometimes the only way to build communication back up...at least thats what i do with my wife :) You got to be friends again. yea, i know your his father and not his friend...im just telling you that is the only way he will sit there and listen...he may not hear but hopefully he will listen. That is how I would go about opening up constructive communication. Talk to him about how cannabis is very enjoyable at the start and can seem so harmless you realize that all his friends are doing it but that does not make it right. let him know that cannabis has destroyed many lives. There are many forums and even documentaries about the dangers of cannabis that he might look at in his own time. The danger of cannabis are different to other drugs in the sense that it does not lead to overdosing etc but it causes people to stop caring about the important things in life like family, education, sports, love etc. Before he knows it he is smoking every day and 20 years have passed and he has nothing to show for it. This all has to be done in a calm, loving manner even if he begins to raise his voice. Your the adult so you stay calm. It will probably fall on deaf ears but at least he will understand you are concerned in a loving sense and not an angry one. This means that when the time comes that he feels he needs to stop he can feel confident he can come to you and you wont freak out. Regarding enabling etc,there has been lots of advice given already so im not going to repeat it. You should see a drugs Councillor or go to naranon or alanon for more guidance on how to deal with your situation. You cant change your son but you can change yourself. You got to learn how to learn. Your whole attitude needs to change from one of control and dominance to love and calm. I have spent a decent bit of time writing this for no other reason but to help you. I get paid for my time in the real world and I have given it freely here for no other reason but to share my story and give my advise in the hopes that it helps you. | ||
|
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: January 24, 2014, 10:31 AM
Excellent post...good to hear how it feels from the other side of the fence!
Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
|
Posted: February 3, 2014, 4:42 PM
Thank you jh8.
I truly hope that he is reading it and not gone.....I had to learn and CHANGE, still learning...... Somebody said: "You cannot shake hands with a fist" Axor. | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |