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Synthetic Weed
troy






Posted: July 3, 2013, 7:25 PM
I am into day four of giving up the worst of the shakes,sweats,haziness has gone i dont really crave it anymore because i know how bad it was and i DO NOT want to go through this again. Im going back to work tomorrow fingers crossed itll go ok. Massive thanks to everyone who posted their sto here and other forums - especially josh, helps so much to read others stories. I wish i had come across these forums earlier, i may have givin up a while ago. Tips for those going through WDs, destroy your pipe etc, flush any baggies-any small amount you will want to find it later-remove any temptation. If you have a partner, tell them what you are going through and it may be a rough few days for you both but things will be so much better. I drank orange juice, liquid breakfast drinks and bananas. Sleeping at night is still crappy but do doubt will get better. Gonna try doing excercise or going for a walk today. Last piece of advise read alot of these forums, everyone is going through the same thing as you, be strong, just do it.GOOD LUCK.
ConcernedMama






Posted: July 3, 2013, 8:36 PM
Way to go Troy - you are through the hardest part - I wish you the best - There is so much valuable information on here about this nasty fake bake - I'm so glad my town - Houston - banned it. My son was doing it too but now is off and it seems that he is going to be okay - Keep your courage up and it's one day at a time. May God bless and keep you from this hell called synthetic marijuana.

CMama
Allison






Posted: July 4, 2013, 3:27 AM
Nice news... I am officially single. Dips*** decided 13 days before I am scheduled to fly (with non-refundable tickets) to Spokane that we just shouldn't be together romantically anymore. I kind of was leaning that way myself... I was apartment shopping in Kentucky today and filled out paperwork even. The landlord isn't going to be back until Tuesday, when I can submit the paperwork and I should hear back within 2 days after. I am happy about the prospect of living on my own, but pissed that this guy was willing to stay with me through addiction and even work 2 jobs to support the habit, but my unwillingness to stay in a closet with his friend was the breaking point. And also that he waited until I had already bought the plane ticket and put my notice in to my job to decide that we've run our course. And to be completely honest, I don't think I was ever in love with the guy to begin with. I think I pretty much just tolerated him the entire time we were together. I'm not sure if I am even capable of feeling actual love for another person. I was doing a little bit of research for one of the classes I was taking and came across something called schizoid personality disorder. Damn near every symptom fits me to a T. I just don't care about anyone or anything. I just want to be left alone. I am annoyed also that I am going to have to figure out what to do about school... Kentucky has different requirements for certification and I don't think I'll be able to afford internet on my own working for minimum wage. So, so much for all that. Now what? Tog, need a roommate??!! Come to Kentucky! Missing any teeth? You'll fit in perfect, lol.


Posts: 109
Joined: February 28, 2013


Posted: July 4, 2013, 9:37 AM
it's actually really strange Allison, but it's amazing how similar what we are going through is. . . it's starting to look like my other half (after 22 years) is about to leave me for pretty much the same reason .... looks like through no fault of our own, just crappy circumstances and nasty landlords, that we'll have to get rid of loads of our stuff (pretty much all her furniture) and move into a tiny flat at the top of the SAME BUILDING we've lived in for the last ten years!! for the same amount of rent!!

the way it is going I think she is going to move back to her mothers, leaving me to live in the tiny flat on my own, reckoning that the local council will pay the shortfall in rent that she paid (which they probably would).

so i'd be going into what used to be me, hers and the cats old home . . once a month. . to pay rent in our old front room and then go back to the top of the house to be ON MY OWN in a tiny flat (apartment) ... not sure it even has a bath (not seen the bathroom/bedroom yet, seeing it tomorrow).

so you see? our stories really are very spookily similar Allison! it's really quite odd. I thought, my god, when I saw the first sentence of your post above ... that's both of us then!

of course she hasn't explicitly said so yet, but she DID say, earlier, if we couldn't find anywhere else to live together (which is looking the case) that she would go to her mothers and I would have to find a room on my own, and seemed pretty happy about that ... and now we're faced with this small flat upstairs, well, frankly, she's being horrible to me is the truth ... I even said to her this morning, 'you're being really attacking towards me, I feel like you're not on my side anymore' ... and she had NOTHING reassuring to say.

you sound okay with it, but after 22 years, well at the moment its up in the air and so im quite calm ... but I think I will find it devastating, completely devastating.

can I come to Kentucky then? ha ha.



tog x



Posts: 109
Joined: February 28, 2013


Posted: July 4, 2013, 9:40 AM
just to make sense of that ..... when I say i'd be going into my old front room to pay rent .... the landlord is moving his office into our flat (what will be our old flat! the one i'm sitting in now). . he'd have our garden and everything, i'd be looking down on it.

tog


Posts: 474
Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 4, 2013, 10:07 AM
unsure & troy

Glad you stopped by and posted, its good to hear others experiences in dealing with the synthetic weed. I hope you are able to be done with the experience for good. I still post here because the synthetic has LONG term complications that only those who have experienced it will understand. I believe what I have gone/going through has been experienced by many others so I attempt to pass on whatever I have noticed....both good and bad. I dont think there is any more current information than what is on this forum. The synthetic keeps changing and no one really knows what is in it so what we share here hopefully can be used by others to figure out more about how to quit and recover from this particular drug.

keep posting

allison

So sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I know at times it seems like things cant get any worse....but they can so keep your chin up and keep at it. You have had a difficult time by going through the synthetic addiction - but you have put that behind you. The relationship questions were probably something you saw coming as well - you will move on. Dont give up!! Find a way to make school happen if possible, its your ticket out. Maybe some time alone is what you need to get life headed in the right direction. You might feel as though the world is falling down around you at times - I know I do , but it isnt. You are bright, sensitive, and able to articulate these things very well to others who can benefit from your experience. You have a compassion for others who have gone through a similiar troubles. If you could ever get to a point where you could work/help in this field I think you would find the rewards to be life changing. Dont let others take that desire away!

If God brings adversity into the live of the people he loves the most then you must be REALLY loved....this is what I tell myself all the time. Half- joking, but not really. The people unchallenged in this life have it that way because their reward is now. You are still being brought to a place where you can find your real purpose in life. And you WILL find it. I have faith that you will be in a much better place down the road, you just have to get there. A lot of people would have given up by now - you havent!! I know it can be annoying at times to have people put a positive outlook on the troubles we currently have. I am not trying to do that. The words i have for you are things I tell myself all the time. At times they are hard to believe , but I do believe them to be true. We just have to perservere!!

Hopefully you have been able to re-connect with your dad. Involving 'step' parents is never easy - I know this from personal experience. A persons insecurity in such a situation is often exaggerated in these situations and it becomes more about how they fell than anything you may have done. I could go into story after story about how shallow and petty get in these situations...but I wont. I am not trying to offend anyone, not trying to assign blame, and not trying to judge people I no nothing about. I just personally know many examples of this kind of bad behavior and have come to expect it. Honestly, I am a 'step' parent myself and can look at events earlier in my life and quote examples - so I am not innocent. I have put added pressure on my oldest daughter at times when it wasnt her fault at all. After bearing much of the financial/emotional stability for most her life I held it against her to some degree that she wanted to reconnect with her real dad when she was in her teens....selfish and stupid on my part. So when I point these things out in others I have the reflection in the mirror to judge - not them!

Connect with people as much as possible. Dont isolate. Dont give up....Advice for both of us to follow! My son is graduating as a marine in about a week. He will be home and I will be glad to see him , but so will the rest of my family and I am not looking forward to it. I am making my best effort to not let them be aware of it....but it will be hard. I have learned to do without other people in my life to a large degree. Not something I enjoy, and something I am working to change. The truth is I still have leftover hard feelings that were never expressed. I am afraid i will blow it when everyone is around. I have a tendency to get truly offensive when everyone is together. When I have an audience....The most destructive part of the body is the tongue....and I have trouble controlling mine. I am afraid that because of this I will just be absent the entire time they are here - something I have done before. I am busy enough I can be gone almost every waking hour and sadly I believe this is how I will handle the problem. God help me to not be a prick and ruin his/everyones visit!!

Write when you are troubled - if monitored, judged, talked about? It will go on anyway so just confront it head on. You can only be hurt when it surprises you. When wise to it you can use it to your advantage to make you stronger. Self doubt is about answering the critics in your head...those critics are often voices that belong to the people in your life you love the most. And the hard feelings can go back to childhood so as adults we need to deal with them directly. Think of this forum as a way to accomplish that. Writing will let you do so in a way that speaking in person just simply cant - so play the hand you've been dealt and put some of these feelings to rest. I had planned to do so with people in my family....but there is no interest. You have that interest, your stuff will get read by loved ones, so use this to heal the relationships that have been damaged over the years.

Back to baby steps....f***ing baby steps !!

Allison






Posted: July 4, 2013, 2:14 PM
Before we left MO we had the same (I thought) goals... to put the past behind us and move forward. Then when I got to Kentucky and started feeling the urgency to get moving, and he was feeling meh and refused to get moving, I started getting pissed off. All he had to do was find an apartment. It took him until I had bought the plane ticket to even start looking. He put in a few applications, got turned down for one reason or another and just gave up looking, because those apartments weren't near the olive garden he works at.... SO FIND ANOTHER OLIVE GARDEN, DIPs***. I thought the goal was forward momentum, not new complacency. He's perfectly content to work as a dishwasher, sleep on the floor of his friends' apartment, (a couple.. you'd think they'd want their own space at some point, too..) and sit around and play online computer games with teenagers in his spare time for the rest of his life. I am not content with contentment anymore. I want forward momentum. I just wish I hadn't signed up for school where I would get only what was required on the west coast. Now I need to figure out how to start from scratch in Kentucky. And hope to God my application for this apartment right next to where I work gets approved... PRAY DAC! PRAY!

It's a 2 bedroom, Tog! We can both work at minitmart... YAY. lol. I wouldn't mind!
Allison






Posted: July 4, 2013, 6:15 PM
Looking for a second job... Out of about 5 to choose from in the area. I think I can pretty easily afford the rent and utilities for the apartment on my own as of now, but I have literally nothing but a few clothes. I will need to get a bed first and foremost, or even just an air mattress; I don't care. And then gradually start acquiring things like cleaning supplies, a few pieces of furniture and cookware, etc. And I should really think about quitting smoking, but meh. I like it. And that's my only bit of relief. I live in a dry county, which means I would have to drive or be driven about an hour away for something to drink.. Not really worth it.

My dad and I had a talk about boundaries and needing to count my costs and whatnot. They can't really afford to help me with anything even if they wanted to. And they will be taking back the car they let me use, so I'm gonna be busting a** for awhile. Plus I owe people money and they have taken me to court so that means at some point my wages will start being garnished. So I need to plan for that day, too. I think what I want to do is work my a** off for a year and save as much money as I can, then move to Bowling Green and start taking classes there. I think the school I was going to for certification for drug counseling will make me pay off the entire tuition, not just what I used. So that will be fun. But there's no point in continuing if it doesn't work in Kentucky... What a pain in the a** to ensure the manchild I gave 6 years of my life to doesn't have to be pushed harder than he wants to and can spend the rest of his life being a teenager trapped in a man's body. (sort of.) Do I sound bitter? I'm not at all... Dumb a**.
jonny b






Posted: July 9, 2013, 7:26 AM
I am currently trying to quit synthetics. Can anyone give me some tips to help


Posts: 474
Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 9, 2013, 1:16 PM
JB - read the beginners guide thread - it answers most everything. If you just quit you will feel awful, but the mental side is the worst. When in doubt....read....or write. If you dont you will need something else to occupy your time or you will just go back to smoking. So the best advice I have is to learn whatever you can about your experience, so that you can break free of it.

tog & allison

I have meant to write much earlier. Life has gotten hectic for me this last week or so. I have my son coming home, my wife out of town, and my mom coming up for a visit. We also have 2 birthdays, a party for my son, and a weekend at an amusement park for the kids to work in somehow.

I had quit smoking pot for 2 weeks - no problem - no withdrawals - no cravings. However, last Fri and Sat were BAD days for me/ Really down, depressed, and just angry about life again. It came out of the blue with no warning. I never experienced this with pot so I still think the synthetic is still influencing these moods. Its been almost 3 months off the synthetic though so I am not quite sure what to make of all this.

Sat night after I had just fininshed my last job for the week (at midnight) , I noticed a couple of teenagers getting high in the parking lot. I just walked by and waved , but they were paranoid and asked me to come over to the car. One of them gave me a fruit smoothie he had got from work (McDonald's) but didnt want. They really just wanted to know if I noticed what they were doing because I think they thought they might be in trouble. I told them that from a distance their car looked like it had a fog machine in it - it was clearly evident they were smoking and it would have been a dead giveaway if a cop happened to drive by. Before I knew it they passed the joint to me and.....well , I didnt want to be rude. It was 2 guys and a girl (Maybe 18) and they were all red-eyed and noticeably stoned and as soon as I took a couple hits I started giving my advice about what they were doing wrong. They were too obvious, the way they parked , the way they looked, all the smoke inside the car. Next thing I know I am telling stories, and once I get people to laugh at something....well, you cant shut me up. I had them all laughing hard at my stories about getting pulled over and other nonsense I was saying. After spending all day in an angry state and not talking to anyone, the combination of a good conversation with a little buzz had me in a REALLY good mood. And for the record, the pot wasnt that good - I barely noticed anything. But the transformation was so quick that I still am wondering what it is about pot that seems to change my outlook so much. It has to do with relief, with relaxing inhibitions, and with allowing myself the freedom to become animated and openly express myself. I feel like I am more able to be myself when high - and I am struggling to understand why such a little thing can have such an dramatic effect.

We have all been there in recovery. The bad days, the depression, the anger, the irritablility. In all my life I have never ever seriously had a suicidal thought until this last year. But last fri and sat these thoughts were coming at me full force. I admit this freely in the chance that it might help others. No matter how dark my thoughts, I simply could not, and would not give up hope to that point. I still put my chance of doing so at almost 0%. But I was thinking like that for almost two days straight - for no real reason at all. I havent thought like that since sat night. Since I got high with those teens. The improvement in attitude was instant and my mood was productive again.

But it was just one night. No plans to go back to smoking again. I'm not beating myself up for it either. I actually got down on my knees and thanked God for the experience , because it came at the exact time for me to enjoy it the most - when I was finished with my week. I have no stash, no contact, and no way to repeat this experience so I am already back to abstinence. I seem to attract such experiences. I have gotten high with so many complete strangers in my life that it just seems like the normal thing to do when I find myself in one. And for those moments, when its fresh, not done every day, and is in a social setting? I will ALWAYS want to do so! I have no problem with occassional use at all.

When I started smoking synthetic I wanted to get sleep, improve my mood, and have something to eliminate the depression I was feeling. But the synthetic is not pot and all these things were made worse. But pot still works this way for me - If done occassionally! All day , everyday use wastes too much time.

It's a pity I couldnt buy some pot and just do it every couple of days. Its for this reason that I wont attempt to do so. That's what an addiction really is. I go to all day everyday use really fast if I have my own supply. So I dont want to have any more for now. I meant to go an entire month clean, so now I am back on that track. In the past , the guilt from having a slip like sat night would cause me to be miserable about what I had just done. But I am glad I did it. It gives me needed perspective on what I was doing with the synthetic , and why I did it for so long. Unfortunately, the only way I can really enjoy pot is when I havent been high for a while. When it's just and 'experience' and not a 'habit'. If I could just do ' a little' at a time then I wouldnt have a problem. But I know I cant do just a little, so I must again avoid it altogether for the time being. I wish I had the self control to just smoke one joint a week....I wouldn't even attempt to quit if I could do it at this pace....but I cant!

How's the apartment search going guys? Tog, I think you found a place? Any change with Lucy? And allison, did you get the place you wanted? Are you still restricted from posting here - or just not crazy about posting private thoughts you know will be read by everyone in your family? And mermaid? - You still there?

Let us know how you are doing?
Allison






Posted: July 10, 2013, 1:45 AM
Yeah... not crazy about having to censor myself... But I probably won't have access to the internet for awhile here soon. I'm still waiting to hear back about that apartment; should be in the next day or two. Hope to God I get it; I really don't know what I'm going to do if they turn me down. And yeah, I've had the same kinds of dark thoughts, too. No real reason, either; not even a low mood; just happens. And I personally don't think I could ever do it; it's too much of a gamble, whether or not it's a guaranteed ticket to hell. I don't wanna chance it. But I have had this crazy notion to just start walking and see where I end up (probably in the back of someone's trunk with duct tape on my mouth.) So... running out of time and options....


Posts: 474
Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 10, 2013, 12:18 PM
I want to get to the point where I can maintain a good mood without 'assistance'. Sometimes I go for long periods of time without feeling good about anything. After a while it gets frustrating to have such little motivation. It is too easy to get something to change these moods, but I wonder if the self-medicating - or something else, is the source of the depression. So I tell myself the only way to really know is to just stay clean for a while and see what happens. In the past, the 2 - 3 month period has been critical because often I have felt bad most of that time - and so when I have a really bad day I get the thought of ending the misery by doing something for 'a while' and then repeat the process.

But with the synthetic I could not stay away as easily as with pot. There is an 'urgency' that the synthetic seems to demand. Because it was available at a gas station and not a dealer that appealed to me all the more. I dont know a lot of people who smoke....very few. Only one of those have I approached to actually get something to smoke. Combine that with the driving thing, and I would just rather not have to deal with getting pot....so I dont. Not worth the hassle. The ease of purchase made the synthetic harder to stop. I could quit two weeks, a month, even more but it was always just one compulsive moment away. Pot is many compulsive moments away.....make any sense?

I am behind with my work this week. The weather has been great - rain and cooler temperatures , but it has been raining during the day - like now. It's in these moments in the past that I would be vulnerable to a slip. Time on my hands, LOTS of work to do, and not much motivation to do it. If I could just drive to a gas station??? But I cant - and I cant get any pot either - without a day to set it up - so I wont do anything.....This is why it is easier to quit weed...too many steps. Having something available 24/7 at a whim's notice is why I struggled so much with the synthetic. Especially when I had to drive by the very place I bought it at least 4-5 times a week.

But at least that's gone.....maybe. The kids I talked to on sat night were also talking about the synthetic. I said I hadnt had any since they banned it. The driver said he bought some at a local gas station just a week earlier. I guess they keep it hidden under the counter and will only sell it to you at certain times and if you mention it.....The 'legal' drug is now being sold like an 'illegal' drug. The price went up, I imagine the demand went up, and now this guy is one of the few who are willing to take the risk. I would have thought that the big bust tog posted about meant the risks werent worth it....but I would have thought wrong! I just wish he hadnt told me...but I brought it up??

The last couple of times I slipped I did so because I was tired of the bad thoughts I was having at the time. I tell myself that it is better to self medicate than suffer unnecessarily. I can be such a depressing jerk when I am down on life the way I have been for more than a year now. It's nice to feel like the old me.....I just wish I could feel that way on a 'normal' basis.

My day is ruined....late start - too much work to do for the rest of the week to get done before Sun , and I just looked at the radar and it is going to rain for a while. So really my week is ruined. If I were high it wouldnt matter......this was why I wanted to do what I did last year and smoke during my busy time. So many things can go wrong in the Spring that I just wanted to smoke something to make the time fly by until that first month or so was in the books. It's not that I HAD to do it...I just WANTED to. This year I didnt do that and I was just plain miserable at times.....like a normal year!! I guess I thought I had the answer by smoking 'just a little' each day. The sad thing is that I would have been OK if no-one else knew about it. When others knew they felt compelled to apply pressure any way they could. People treat you MUCH different when they know you are doing something so controversial.....not illegal (not at the time at least).....but not accepted either.

The month I smoked pot was a blur. Every day was exhausting! I fell behind on my billing because it is hard to get anything done when all you want to do is sleep when you get home. But after two years or so of nothing but shallow, quick bursts of sleep i think I really benefitted from that month. An observation.....I didnt experience any problems with the 'light sleep' or 'fever dreams' until last thurs - the 4th of July. When I was feeling really bad last fri and sat - those were the nights I had the interrupted sleep. Almost 2 full weeks away from smoking pot I experienced something I had not experienced for almost 6 weeks! The fever dream! It was a minor disturbance , but still, I believe it is still the synthetic that was causing the sleep problems. Even as far as 3-4 months away from them!

just another theory...

one more thing....the fever dream was eerie. I was at a gas station where someone offered to sell me some pot. In the dream I took it and the guy I got it from was immediately busted. I had the baggie in my hand and I tried to get into my truck and drive off but there was an officer standing in my way. I was caught! Then I woke up. I mention this because it is the ONLY dream I have been able to remember in weeks....

It also partially came true the next day...Only I didnt get busted

just wierd..

This post has been edited by DAC on July 10, 2013, 12:38 PM


Posts: 474
Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 11, 2013, 12:03 PM
One more thing about sleep. When I am completely sober I dont get out of bed very easy. Most my life I have dreaded the alarm in the morning. I am the type who likes to hit snooze a few times before getting up. I just am not a morning person. Last night I layed in bed at 10 , fell asleep at 12, and woke up at 7....but didnt get out of bed til 10. 12 hours in a bed for only 7 hours of sleep.....I mention this because when smoking I get up as soon as awake. I dont get as much done when high - I just spend more time working at it.

just an observation...

On the synthetic I woke up every two hours and didnt even bother setting an alarm. Many times I was troubled to wake up thinking a whole night had gone by only to realize it was just a couple of hours. I think messed up sleep is at the heart of what has bothered me the most these past couple of years.

My problem now is sleep is all I want to do. But on my best nights it doesnt seem to be enough when I wake up in the morning. I just want to stay in bed...this leads to regret....which makes me depressed...and the cycle continues. I will keep with the committment to stay clean for now, but i need something to change my outlook or I will be doomed to relapse at some point in the future.

I think we all expect life to get 'better' when we stop doing our drug of choice. The truth is if there was a happy compromise and I could do it on an occassional basis - I could willingly make the compromise. But I cant. Relapses start with this kind of thinking. I've done it enough to know my limits.....and this is what I fight within myself. Why CANT I just do a little every now and then like I do with alcohol? Why cant I be satisfied to just get high one day a week? I dont know the answers. If i did I wouldnt be writing these questions here. I just know that I cant smoke 'just a little' pot and leave it alone. It frustrates me to no end that I cant smoke only at night, or every other day, or once a week.....all the different lies I have told myself in the past only to end up with all day every day use again.

So I wont do it at all for now...

I just wish the anger/depression would go away with the desire to smoke. Because when it doesnt , I end up giving in to the logic that it is better to be high and happy than be thinking about killing myself at times. I mean, I consider anti-depressants to be the most dangerous drugs available - addictive and destructive. But dont people turn to these drugs for the very same reason?

I will either be completely clean , or I will end up like willie nelson. Willie didnt care if people knew he was a stoner. He has done it openly for 60 years?? I know he just turned 80 , so maybe he is on to something.

What you see here are the classic mind games that I put myself though while attempting to stay clean. I question everything. Its the only way I can get to an answer that I will eventually be able to live with. So I attempt to answer all the questions about use that I think relevant. I went 7 years completely clean....the reason I didnt stay clean is because I never answered these questions once and for all. Just say NO is only a short term fix to a problem that is long term in nature. The will gets strong after time , but the desire never goes away. It's like I have used the drugs at times to hide a much bigger problem within myself.

If I could solve the problems , then maybe I wont need to self medicate in order to make these problems liveable.

That's my goal
Allison






Posted: July 16, 2013, 1:07 PM
Good news(ish)... My background check for that apartment came back in the clear. Now just waiting to hear back from the main office on the rest of the paper work. Should be good to go. My dad wanted me out by today (which was the day I was supposed to fly to Spokane, by the way) but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

Tomorrow I am selling blood (plasma) and going to a few local charity type offices to beg for money to help with the deposits for utilities. And as soon as I get a copy of my lease, as much as I hate to do it, I am applying for food stamps. If I get approved, so my dad says, I will get a notice in the mail for an "obama phone" that I will try and take advantage of. I got a text this morning from ATT saying the bill (Adam's plan) is past due, so I'm guessing that means he is not holding true to yet another promise to leave me a phone until I get set up.

I had a little moment of grief last night. It hit me that this morning was the day I was supposed to fly to Spokane. I think I'm breaking past the shock of what has transpired. I just didn't think he was that kind of guy.

I know being with someone who is addicted to synthetic is no picnic. But he bore with me through that. And it's not like I never did anything for him, either. He always had a clean apartment and clean clothes. And sex. And got to hang out with whoever whenever; home cooked meals, etc. It wasn't until he got to Spokane that he started holding my mistakes with drugs over my head. And we did have fun together most of the time; could talk and laugh about anything when we were together; until he got to Spokane and I got to Kentucky. Then he wouldn't make time for a 10 minute phone call and when he did couldn't find it in himself to ask for privacy so I could have his undivided attention. He ignored my pleas for urgency when things with my step mom started going sour. Then when I inevitably got upset at his ambivalence would tell me what a b**** I was and how unreasonable I was being and how what I was asking of him (to find. an. apartment.) was just too much to ask. When I expressed how frayed my nerves are already from bouncing back off of synthetic, the added stress with pretty much my entire family, and working again after not leaving the house for a year and that I don't think I could handle living with his friend; his response was pretty much, "well you did that to yourself." And blames me entirely for his debt, that I "pressured him" to take out this loan so he could get to spokane and we could catch up, which was his idea; I just agreed to it...

And now has cut off all communication. Blocked me via phone, facebook, email; everything. So I can't even find out when the phone will be shut off.

Seriously??? Really? It was that bad that he feels the need to do all this and exact some kind of vengeance? There was nothing I could do to undo my drug addiction. But I had gotten clean, was going to school, found a job, gave away everything I own so I could join him in Spokane and we could get our lives back on track.... what the hell else could I have done?
Allison






Posted: July 16, 2013, 1:13 PM
It's like he's only happy if someone is taking advantage of him. Once I got determined to actually do something with my life, THEN well we just have different lifestyles. God forbid 2 people in a relationship enjoy doing different things. So, I have quit school, by the way. Now 30,000 in the hole with nothing to show for it; nothing to my name but a duffel bag full of clothes, no phone (no pool, no pets...) I guess we can call it even, now? Glad he feels better.


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Joined: February 28, 2013


Posted: July 16, 2013, 4:59 PM
ouch .... that's pretty rough Allison :(

I've been super-stressed and fairly ill with it, but am not going to be homeless, we will both move up to the tiny flat at the top of the building .... i'm having to get rid of most of my belongings, a bit like you did ... bye bye 20 year VHS collection. . still, better than losing a roof over your head, and the two of us will still be together (and I can hang on to my dvd library, thank goodness for their compact format!).

i'll update more later, just wanted to express my sympathy at your situation, Allison, it's sh*tty.

tog.
Allison






Posted: July 16, 2013, 10:03 PM
Thanks, tog.

I'm glad things worked out for you with your apartment/ gf. Still a lot of added unnecessary stress.

And I think I'll feel better once I get the keys to MY OWN place! And my brother is coming up in a few weeks to visit my dad; I'm hoping I can get him to haul my old bed and dresser down. That's all I really need at the moment. But.. MY OWN place! Yay!


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Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 17, 2013, 1:35 AM
allison and tog

It's still good to hear from you both when you get a chance to post. We all came to this site at roughly the same time , and we have all put the synthetic nightmare behind us. Whether we know each other or not there is a bond there that is still something I value a lot.

I absolutely hate the fact that both of you are experiencing so much difficulty with life at the moment. Moving is one of the most depressing/stressful events that can happen in life. The uncertainty, the disappointment, the loss of familiarity which affects feelings of security. I really do feel for you both.

My situation with my house still is unresolved. The good news? Even if the bank doesnt work with me I believe it would take them till Dec til they can complete the foreclosure and kick me out. I still have hope they will work with me and I can keep the house. But the longer it takes for them to get their act together - the longer I stay without making any payments. Of course, this screws me if I decide to stay long term, but I dont really care at this point. If I can get this disaster behind me and stay in my home I will figure out how to make things work. I will have to re-invent and rededicate myself. Something I didnt have in me just a few months ago , but something I believe I will now be able to handle......maybe!

allison, is there any way you can continue with school? If you are on the hook for the entire amount then you ought to get something out of it.....just a thought. I know my son was going to vocational school to be a diesel mechanic, was going to owe 30k as well. But bailed after a month or so because he said everyone in the class was getting an A and it was a joke. He only owed money for the classes he actually took. Also, I dont know much about how the plane tickets work , but would it be possible to re-sell the ticket on priceline - or has that opportunity passed? Sorry if I sound too 'parental'. I dont mean it that way.

tog - dont worry about the vhs. Over here you can hardly even find somthing that plays vhs tapes anymore. Pretty soon they will go the way of the 8-track I'm afraid. At least you and your girl can stay together! Focus on making her happy and hopefully your happiness will soon follow.

My son has been back since sat, but I have barely had a chance to talk to him. He's young, made a lot of new friends in the service, and has been visiting them almost every night. I am really not getting my hopes up of getting much talking in this time around. I will be working every day till dark the next three days so I guess it really doesnt matter anyway.

I will share this...In my waterproof boots, the ones I use to spray for weeds, I found 5 empty bags of the synthetic..... However , when emptied onto a paper and collected, I had two real hits to smoke. This stuff was two years old and was the original K2! But I tossed what I found out the window of a moving truck - gone forever!!

Sleepy......very sleepy..... goodnight


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Joined: February 28, 2013


Posted: July 17, 2013, 7:32 AM
hi DAC, hi Allison ... this flat is so big, and we've been here ten years, and we both hoard, every inch of space is crammed with stuff. . I've spent the last 2 weeks just sorting through stuff, bagging stuff and throwing it away.

today I went through a large bag at the side of my old computer table and it was full of beer bottle tops, hundreds of them, and dozens of empty bags of spice, and other types of incense, but mainly spice, from a few years ago when I was smoking bag after bag of the first strain of incense. . it was very depressing, and quite disturbing to think of the amount of money it all added up to.

well, i'm not in great health right now, the heat combined with stress, my blood pressure is high and I had a vertigo attack at work and had to be sent home in a cab day before yesterday :( ... still feeling dizzy and bad, but have to go in to work for the money.

because I work ina school and the summer break is happening next week I don't even know where or if i'll be working throughout August, so stressed about that.

on top of all the flat clearance, the landlord is demanding we paint the flat in places ... the front room has a massive damp patch where the paper has peeled and masonry crumbled :( ... i'm just gong to say to him, look i'm not a builder or decorator, i'll do what you tell me but I don't know how to repair this! ... he's a nasty man and you can't argue with him (not that I have the strength or inclination any more) and even if we did argue, he will still be our landlord so we have to agree to everything he says.

anyway, I hope you stay in your house DAC, it's the uncertainty isn't it? that's what's so bad. and Allison I hope you can settle down in your own place and start to relax.

i'm all busy and stuff .. I hope I don't get dizzy at work :( .. so I have to go, but I will talk later.

love to all.

tog.


Posts: 474
Joined: February 24, 2013


Posted: July 17, 2013, 10:20 AM
you hit it on the head tog...the uncertainty is the absolute worst! Going on 4 YEARS of uncertainty. i thought it came to a head last year during the Spring - but that was 14 months ago. It wears on me...as I am sure your situation wears on you...same for allison. Things cant stay up in the air forever though. Life moves on - we will all get through this....

My A/C went out just as the 90 degree temps have finally settled in. It is currently 89 in my house and it is morning! But I will be gone all day so I wont have to deal with the heat inside - just the normal heat outside. I think I hate hot weather more than anything. With the cold you can just keep adding clothes, but you can only take off so many and then you run out of options.

I was home on monday and couldnt stand the heat. I took my now 13yo son out for his birthday to see a movie. We ended up going from movie to movie and saw 5 movies!! We got there at 12:30, and left at 10:30. I never have done this before....he thought it was really cool though so I dont feel bad. It was nice and cool in the theater!!

My mother is here and we all went out for her birthday last night. I mildly went off over something. When I say go off , I start making jokes about everything , especially myself. I hate when I do this. It was about a 3 last night , so maybe they will never see me at my worst. At my worst I go out of my way to be offensive and push buttons. I have rules...as long as we are talking about a subject , or opinion, and if it doesnt get personal I am fine. If it gets personal? It's like I have saved a years worth of hostility and insults and just need a target to unload them on. I have always warned my son about having a temper...It just feels SO GOOD to let go of it at times.

But its almost always a mistake...

I hope your day gets better. At least you didnt go though the motions of trying to scrape something to smoke from your empty spice bags. Even though I didnt smoke any, I wonder why I did what I did and collected some to smoke. I rely on my impulsive/compulsive nature to destroy the temptation before me at times - like I did yesterday. But it still seems like I am playing with fire.

talk later

This post has been edited by DAC on July 17, 2013, 10:25 AM
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