Posted: January 12, 2017, 1:53 AM
I recently read a post where someone attended a NA meeting and when they ask about any clean time in the beginning they actually say a maintenance drug therapy? In my opinion who is anyone to take another's inventory? I haven't attended any meetings in years and I am in therapy. I am also on Suboxone and have been for way too many years. I haven't used heroin since March 1,2013 and I would've considered it a lapse. I went out and used for one day and I didn't go back to the whole lifestyle it was a one day thing. My perception of things and the way the meetings operate they just don't mesh, and I maybe should try going back and being more open minded. Just hard to try and trust another addict that is just like you? Especially, in the beginning when we are at our most vulnerable in my opinion I feel it's hard to be that open. The way that society puts such a stigma on addiction and how they feel we are bad people. In reality we are sick people trying to get well. It sucks that our healthcare system isn't set up to really help those that are in need of it. All addicts in recovery I have ever meet have been the most nicest people I have ever met. If people lived life according to basic twelve step principles the world maybe would be a little more nicer. There's nothing wrong with being accountable for hurting other people's feelings. Just like there's nothing wrong with having feelings. I have learned that I have searched for so long for something outside myself to fill a void that can only be filled from the inside out. I also feel some things are between you and your relationship with a higher power. I have also heard comments from my parents that I am using Suboxone as a crutch or a band-aid. I could see that being true if I was trying to get high off of them but I take less than I am prescribed and I also have been in therapy dealing with that garbage bag that I carried with me for so long. The bag filled with my past, childhood, the reasons and justifications for my actions and behaviors while in my active addiction. I was just a shell of a being because I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually dead just not physically. I was very functional and wasted many years. I lost so much time and time with my own children to make memories. My father was an alcoholic and he got sober when I was 14 and he showed me there was an easier, softer way. I didn't become addicted until I had my second child at age 21 and was prescribed pain pills. I also had to get my wisdom teeth pulled and was prescribed Percocet. I took one when I didn't have pain but needed the Tylenol for a headache and within 45 minutes I had this sense of euphoria. I felt like Supermom and had all this energy like I just drank six cups of coffee. So I had been prescribed pain pills for medical conditions like CFS, Fibromyalgia and have been told that they are just made up diseases. However, I have pain all over my body and always have an elevated rheumatoid factor. So, I am not sure if the Suboxone helps with the pain but it makes me feel normal. I am just afraid of being in bondage to this substance and the long term effects of Suboxone. Thanks for letting me vent.
