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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: March 17, 2007, 11:35 PM
Life is peculiar sometimes. These emotions that flow through our spirit causing us to act and re-act, causing us to be sensible or not. These emotions that sometimes strain us to the max. I hate wondering, I hate doubts, gosh, sometimes I hate that my old life was taken away from me. Sometimes I get on the pity-wagon and I hate that I do. Sometimes, oh, sometimes I wish I didn’t feel at all. But then I wouldn’t know the good feelings and those are so good. I just wonder if the scabs will ever fall off!! Still, I know God is good, that God has been good and that He continues to be good. Let me always be thankful and get up out of the pity-wagon…and fly!!
"January 25, 2005. Tuesday 7:07 pm I have to write this down so I don't push it aside or play down the suspicions in my mind. As is typical, Jenny rode the city bus home from work when she got off at 6 pm and she called me at 7 pm and said she just got home. Said the bus was really slow. She had on her pj's and said she is just staying in - seems that's all she does these days. She bought herself an ice cream cake roll lastnight. She doesn't eat stuff like that. She doesn't keep that stuff around. Supposedly she is eating junk food more - she doesn't eat like that and lose weight. Her voice sounded different than it did when she called me at 6 pm from the bus stop. I don't know what to think. Whatever it is - if she is using - I cannot let it control my happiness or my own goals in my own life. God help her - plesase help her to stay away from drugs. I don't know - I just don't know. She said she was tired and didn't want to talk to anyone and just wanted to eat her dinner. I think she was high. I think she called me to get me off her back so I don't call her and she can nod off or whatever. It just feels good to write it down so I can see in black and white what my heart doesn't want to believe." This post has been edited by MotherW on March 17, 2007, 11:36 PM -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: April 23, 2007, 9:26 PM
Things are getting better - sometimes I almost - a l m o s t - can forget my daughter is an addict. She seems so good now. But, I know I will never forget that she is an addict - for life. Addiction has now bonded itself to my heart and soul. Never again will I ever be like I was, nor will she. Yet, we each can still be free and I thank God for that.
"February 11, 2005. Friday, 9: 10 pm Doubts continue to linger. I just called Jenny and she said she was just watching the news, but didn't feel talking to anyone, unless I really wanted to talk. It sounded very suspicious. She is always going down to her store to buy "food." Oh Lord, I think it's drugs. I really do. Oh God, I can't control her life or her lies. Earlier she said she just got back from the store and was going to eat - well, I think she was going to fix. So when I called her now, almost two hours later, she was just relaxing. Does she think I'm stupid? I know what she's doing and it breaks my heart. Oh Lord, help me stay strong. February 21, 2005: Monday 6:58 pm Has a crisis passed or just begun? I don't know for sure. Jenny was frank and honest - feeling bored and depressed and said her first thoughts are of heroin. I don't know what this means, or perhaps I do and I am just in denial. Either way, nothing I can do - i can't make her choices; she has to make them I will pray and I will not give up hope or believe in God. I pray she can find that relationship with God that is so critical to survival. My insides shook again today - oh, how I hate that feeling." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: April 29, 2007, 10:42 PM
Well, today is my birthday and it was a good day. Jennifer was here and she is clean. She got me some beautiful gifts, but nothing, absolutely nothing was as beautiful as just sitting back and watching her go thru the motions of life without drugs. I think sometimes I could just sit quietly back and just watch her and listen to her for hours - it's like a gift - like music to my ears and a comfort to my soul. It's a beautiful thing - recovery.
"February 27, 2005: Sunday, 8:58 pm I took Friday off and spent the day with Jenny. She was having an awful crisis - she was full of anger, resentment, depression - had thoughts of heroin and wanting to use. She has the "anti-establishment" attitude that the addicts who are using have. I hate that so much. As the day worn on and we shopped and she spent the night with me, it seemed to go away. By Saturday afternoon when I took her home, she seemed better. I don't know - it's just so hard to deal with this; sometimes, well, nevermind. I just wish so much that she would never have done heroin, but she did. I loved shopping with her - she seemed pretty happy and yet she sometimes acts like she shouldn't be, like she thinks she has to act mad and angry. Still we had a good evening together, too. We watched Black Tar Heroin and I was hoping and praying it wouldn't trigger anything. We each went to bed about the same time and we each woke up about the same time, hot! So I turned the heat down at 2 am and we watched the movie! Then, like a fool, I let her take it home with her. Sometimes I just sit home alone and I just cry - I cry for the past and all that has happened. It's like an awful, horrible, horrible dream, except I have the scars to prove it was no dream. It seems like the scars aren't going away, it seems like the blood is still flowing from them and the pain is still there. I want to let go of it and sometimes I start to and it seems like I am starting to heal, but then my mind drifts to the past and the scar is ripped off and it hurts all over again. But, today, Brian and me went to lunch together - alone. I could not believe he went with me. I was so happy inside and everything else just drifted away. I didn't think about the drugs or the war or anything. I just enjoyed lunch with him. Gosh - it was so nice. I asked Jenny Friday if she was still happy she made the choice to leave heroin and she didn't answer - she gave me a look that said, "Not really." She says at least with heroin she is happy and not bored. Oh Lord, I pray she can get close to you - I pray she can develop a personal relationship with you and find the joy and the peace and the love you bring. I know I sound sad and cry, but I know, too, that I might shake and rattle, but I am not going to break, I am not going to fall. God is my rock and I know I will make it through - it just hurts but that's okay - it will pass." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: May 2, 2007, 10:31 PM
I read and re-read posts by so many on the Recovery Board and sometimes it is so overwhelming. I watch A&E's "Intervention" and it fills me with such pain. My own daughter has been clean for quite some time yet I still find myself constantly lurking about in this world of addiction. If I hear anything on the news pertaining to drugs, my ears perk up. When my son shares any of his stories from the streets and dealing with the drug sellers and buyers, my eyes well up with tears. I can't reflect on my own daughter's history of drug use without deep sadness. I don't know if this is good or bad to feel this way. I don't know if this will pass. Am I supposed to step away? You would think that since my daughter is clean and moving on and up in her recovery, that I, too, would move on and up and away from this world. Yet I am still treading water here and not planning on getting out anytime soon. I guess that's okay. Maybe that's a process and maybe one day, I'll move on ahead and be able to step away. Maybe one day, I will be able to talk about addiction and keep my voice from cracking.
" April 2, 2005. Saturday 9:48 a.m. Spring has arrived and with it, a rebirth in my heart - a hope, a light, joy. Jenny is clean - she says. Doubts continue to peck at my heart and my mind, but I must keep faith always in God. I wonder how she can really be clean when the odds are so much against her, but to wonder that is to doubt our awesome God. It is only by God's hand that she was delivered - only by God's hand. I listen to the robin's singing outside the window, I see the flowers poking their head up out of the earth and I think to myself, that it's going to be okay. Somehow, some way God will take care of everything --- and I rest in that - well, I try to rest in that. " -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: May 24, 2007, 11:36 PM
Forgive me, I guess I am having a bad moment. For Julie, for HB, for all of us with addicts and addiction just chipping away at our life. Sometimes it just seems like too much to take on, ya' know. Like I said, I guess I'm having a moment - I know it will pass, but right now, all the pain on this board is like a million bright lights flashing in my eyes. Makes me so sad. Wish it wasn't so, I know it will pass - this is recovery, a life-long process - strike that, a life-long struggle.
"August 20, 2005. Saturday. 6:55 pm It's been a while - all summer. Jenny would be so mad at me if she knew how I still wonder if she is using. We had some words tonight - sort of. I told Jenny I wish she would go to NA again, or stay in contact with her sponsor. She told me it's her life and she will do what she has to do. It is her life, but it's mine, too. She is my life. I know it's not her fault and she didn't ask me to make her my life. It's just how mothers are. She can go on with her life and live and be happy, or she can choose to use again - it's all in her hands and she knows how she feels and what she will do. I don't. I don't know anything except the past and how she lied and used. Sometimes things happen that make me wonder if she is using, but then other things make me think not. Then I find myself going back and forth in my head and I cry and it drives me crazy. Then I tell myself it is her life and her choice and I just need to pray and trust God. Up and down, up and down I go. Oh, how I long for the days of old when my worries were so trivial. I can't reread any of this journal right now. I can't go over it - it's too hard right now. On a lighter note, Brian got hired with the Police Department and he's very happy about it and I am very happy for him. Jenny is working as a pre-school teacher and she seems to be doing good there. Life is hard, but God is good.I pray, oh how I pray, to laugh again, to really laugh again. You know, that laugh that comes from the gut. Lord, I miss that feeling so much." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: June 11, 2007, 9:35 PM
Better days are here, that's for sure. Pains from the past poke at me now and then and even leave messages on my answering machine that throw me for a loop! It almost knocked me down, but not this time. For a minute, I dwell in self-pity, wondering what my life would have been like without the venomous sting of addiction. But I have to quit wondering because that slows down the healing and I cannot go back to where I was - ever!!
"September 11, 2005. Sunday, 8:40 pm. I am crying so hard I feel like I am going to vomit. I have been trying to call Jenny for a couple hours now. I can always reach her on her cell phone but not tonight. Oh Lord...and she had that awful catch that I hear in her voice. That "catch" that is synonymous with heroin users. Oh Lord, please give me the strength because I do not have it on my own. Please God let her call me back. I've left her two voice mails. I don't understand or maybe I do. Oh please don't let it be heroin...please don't let it be any drugs, please Lord. I am so sad. Brian left for the police academy today He is doing so well. I am so happy for him. Oh please let Jenny call. 9:15 pm. Jenny finally called me back. I want to write this down so I don't forget it, so I don't get fooled again You know they are so good at doing that. Her voice was VERY slurred, slow - just like before. I told her I just wanted to see if she was okay, told her that her voice sounded "funny." She claimed she just got up - had been lying down. Said she had a late night. I reminded her I just talked to her at 6 pm and she sounded perfectly fine - she did. perfectly fine. We hung up. She called back as she had listened to my voice mail. She was angry and still very lethargic in her voice. It was awful, I tell you just awful. She was mean again, saying she didn't know we had to check in with each other. I apologized, she slurred and made some noise that was spiteful and said she better go. God. I know. She never seems to acknowledge clean time or talking to her sponsor anymore. I don't know. I wish I could get her pets from her." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: June 17, 2007, 10:41 PM
I remember when it was as though I clung onto an invincible shield to hold the walls back to keep them from crashing in on me. I didn't know that if I just let go, that the Lord, in all His wisdom, would pluck me up...just in time.
"October 15, 2005. Saturday 8:55 am I think I need to get help - some kind of suppport group. It's been a year and ten months since Jenny has supposedly been clean. She seems to have moved on, I think. But me, I am tortured every day with thoughts of heroin. I could never tell Jenny. It's like I keep thinking about it and I can't seem to let go or move on. The pain and fear inside me doesn't seem all that much better than before. I am always wondering if Jenny is lying to me - most times I am certain she is. I think she has brought that guy down with her - she never comes to my house to spend the night anymore - why? because withdrawal symptoms will kick in. Her boyfriend comes to see her on her lunch break everyday - why? I am sure I know - to bring her a fix. Why can't I let go of all this and just live my life. The torment is horrible." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: June 25, 2007, 9:55 PM
Sometimes I just wish I could wash my hands of my addict, then I catch myself and guilt runs thru me. I know I should be glad she is clean and I am, I truly am. I remember when I wished she would come home for a weekend and now it's nearly every weekend that she comes back! I would NEVER dare to say this to her or to anyone - just right here. God forgive me for thinking like that. Forgive me for being selfish and wanting some weekends for me! I know she would stay home if I told her I was busy, but it's so hard to do that, ya know. She is so sweet and really a lot of fun and wonderful to be around. I just want her to not be dependent on me anymore than I want to be dependent on her. Is this what comes with recovery?? I need some help with this one!
"November 3, 2005. Thursday. 7:16 pm It was a nice weekend, last weekend. I had a "sleep-over" here at the house with the ladies in our family. Of course, Jenny didn't come. I can't figure out why she doesn't ever come home anymore. It's been MONTHS. In fact, I can't even remember when she was last home. It makes me wonder - you know, about drugs. I just shake my head, what can I say, what can I do? I can work myself up into a frenzy and probably will before the night is over. But I am going to try not to. Oh, boy, here I go. Tears flood my eyes because I just don't know, or I do know. God help her because I can't. Lord, hold her in your hands and guide her on your pathway and keep her there - always and forever. I pray that she develop a personal relationship with Jesus. Amen. Brian is away at the police academy - he has about another month left of it, then he's home and will be looking for his own apartment. We are all so very proud of him - he's worked hard to get to where he is at and I am happy for him." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: July 5, 2007, 10:59 PM
I was watching something on tv tonight and the parents had 3 young children and each of their children was blind. The kids were so cute and tiny and it made me start to feel real sad for the parents when I thought about how they had to look at their little kids and know the kids would never see their mommy's face - that their kids would never know the soft pastels of a rainbow or the beautiful blue of the sky. But then I thought of myself and my own situation. How I have a daughter who is an addict and all the pain and heartache that comes with addiction. Then I thought that maybe the parents with the three blind kids weren't so bad off after all.
"December 27, 2005. 8:55 pm On 12-1-05, Jenny confessed to what I already knew. She has been using again. Heavily. And, guess what - as I re-read my entries here, I see I knew right from the start. I just didn't want to believe it. But I knew; I surely did. She confessed to using to me on December 1 so you can see I have avoided this for a while. She just called me a minute ago to say she ran down to the 7-11 to get some Tylenols. I don't believe her. I think she got some dope. Lord, help me, but I don't believe her. I believe in Him, though, and I believe in His power and His strength and I will always, always pray for Jenny to draw close to Him. If she does that, if she gets close to him, she will be just fine. I will wait and let God go to work. Well, how did I feel when she told me. Brian was here. I asked her straight up if she was using and she said she messed up. You know what happened - my insides were shaking again, but I was trying to keep the outside together. I was doing okay, until I had to tell Brian I had to ask Brian to watch my animals and that I was leaving to go to Jenny's for the weekend. She wanted me to stay with her while she detoxed. Lord, how could I go thru that again! It was so hard before. But, I asked Brian to watch the house and the pets and then I lost it, for just a brief moment, and in that brief moment, every cell in my body cried out and I know my eyes revealed everything inside - torment, fear and a horrible realization - lost and broken and tired. Brian saw the pain in my face and I know he must have heard it in my voice. He asked if I wanted him to come with me. That's not like him, but I saw his face and I knew I had to gather myself together for his sake, too. I don't want my kids to worry about me. I'm not as bad this time, you know. This addiction is her addiction, not mine. I'm not going out on a limb this time. She has to beat it on her own. I can't do it for her. I held her hand while she detoxed. The rest is up to her. She has the tools and it is up to her to use them. I will continue to grow and be my own person and live my life, too. I have to do that - and you know what, I want to do that. Life is, well, life. We go on because it pushes us on. If we don't move forward, we will get trampled down by today. I pray God carries me right now because I'm a little too weary to walk." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: July 14, 2007, 1:00 AM
I recognized something in myself today. I was thinking back to how I used to be when I was so easily manipulated and fooled by my heroin addicted daughter. I was remembering that awful constant pain and how it gouged so deeply that it nearly destroyed me. Thinking about all that, made me realize, I will NEVER let myself go to that bad place again. Never again will her addiction cripple me. I cannot believe I can finally say that. I'm not going there again - that feels fabulous!
"January 24, 2006, 10:20 pm. My heart hurts - not all over like it used to, but that little part I keep for Jenny. That part that I let stay in my heart until I know she is safe. No, she isn't using again - i don't think, but she is showing signs of slipping. Of course, I prayed. That little spot was quiet for a while, but now it's stirred up and it hurts again. It won't spread, though. It is contained and I will still live my life. I just need to cry for just a little while. You see, that keeps the spot from spreading and taking over and destroying my heart. I need to contain it with some tears and some words so here I am. Tears pouring out of my eyes and words pouring out of my heart. May the Lord keep her in His precious hands and guide her to where she needs to be for a successful recovery. Amen." This post has been edited by MotherW on July 14, 2007, 1:00 AM -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: July 16, 2007, 8:48 PM
The pieces of my heart, soul and spirit are coming together again. I didn't even realize they were! But when it seemed like my daughter might be using again and that old panic started to rise in an attempt to choke me, I didn't just push it back down - I grabbed it and tossed out!! Man, it's time for me!!
"Wednesday, June 14, 2006. 9:45 pm Why do we as parents of addicts have to feel this pain in our hearts? When does it ever go away? We have to separate ourselves from our children - we have to cut them loose so we don't enable. Then we have to wonder and hope and pray that they don't get hold of any of that "deadly" heroin going around the streets - like in Chicago right now with over 60 overdoses in the past few weeks. Sometimes we start to feel strong and sort of feel like we can laugh again from our stomach - we feel like maybe everything is going to be okay. But, then reality sets in and it bites and it bites hard. I know I need to follow my gut - so many little signs giving way once again. Nothing I can do stop it, but I wish I could. I just have to go with it and pretend like she isn't using again. I hope she isn't but, man, it seems like she's back on again. She's been hostile lately; she's had that little sound in her voice a few times here and there. She's not hitting hard yet and I pray she don't. Hanging on - that's what I'm doing, hanging on and learning how to live for me. God help me, okay. Man, oh man, how I've enjoyed those clean days - they were awesome for me. I wish they would have been for her. Can't say much more right now - it's too raw just yet and I have to "accept" what my head is telling me - i don't want to, though. Maybe??" -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: July 28, 2007, 11:50 PM
Something I am struggling with is my sister's ignorance about the disease of addiction. Tonight she asked me why I want to watch all that stuff about addiction and I tell her that knowledge is power and I don't EVER want to go back to that place I was. Then I realize she doesn't know that place where I was. This is my sister who just happens to also be my best friend - we do trips together, go shopping, laugh together, cry together. I'm starting to feel like I don't want to hang with her so much anymore and I'm sad about that. Addiction changes so many things.
"Tuesday, July 11, 2006. 8:30 pm Dear God, please help Jenny to stay strong and to find you and the joy and the peace that only you can bring. I want to let go and let God. I want to stay out of His way. Mountains move when I step back. Oh, it's so hard when it's your daughter. I love her so much. I don't want to lose her to something like drugs. Please, Jesus, hold her in your hands always and forever and keep her feet on the pathway to heaven so that I might see her again one day. Of course, I love Brian, too. With all my heart and my soul, I pray the Lord grow close in Brian and Jenny's hearts. May the know the joy the Lord has brought to my heart. Though I go thru pain, I know, I know! with all my heart that the Lord is there to get me thru it and it is because I know He is there for me, carrying me, beside me, covering me - that I know I will always be okay. May Brian and Jenny each learn that wisdom and find the peace and joy that I have. It's a growing process and I learn every day - more every day. When I think I can't grow any closer or learn anymore - I do." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: August 4, 2007, 10:55 PM
I had a real feeling of freedom today - really free. It's been so long since I called friends just to chat and it felt real good. I did things I wanted to do today. My yard looks so pretty. I went to a movie, browsed an ethnic grocery store, cooked myself sloppy joes ... with onion!! And, as always, that part of my heart that will forever belong to the addicts and the families who love them so much, ached just a little as I lifted us all up in prayer.
"August 17, 2006. 8:40 pm Thought I should drop a line or two to check in. It's been a while. Seems Jenny is doing well. She is now sort of seeing someone new in NA and she attends meetings regularly. She is co-chair at her Thursday night meeting. I want to let my feelings soar. My God, I want to let my heart yell and jump and just scream out in inexplicable joy. Yet, I am afraid. I want to keep my mind in the present and not jumping too far ahead or looking back. Ooooh, that looking back nearly chokes the air out of me. But, I am hoping in Jesus, not in Jenny. I am making Him my rock -my joy, my foundation. Man, it's got to be all about Him. Brian is riding on his own now as a police officer. Sounds like he is doing a really good job and he seems to like it. God, please hold our children in your precious hands, hold them close, help them understand. May they learn the love and hope and joy that only you can bring, may their hearts in eternal praise sing!! Oh, Lord, thank you so much for letting Brian and Jenny be a part of my life, I am so blessed and honored you found me worthy enough. I know I didn't do the best job for you like I should have. So many things I know now that I should have done differently. But, that's the beauty of you, Lord, in you I know that it's never too late. In you, I know I can place them in your precious arms to hold them and guide them all the days of their lives. Thank you, Jesus, for being my everything. I love you!" -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: August 21, 2007, 8:54 PM
A recovering addict has a day marked in their life that they quit the drug and can be marked accordingly and recognized as their "anniversary" date. I was thinking the other day that I don't have a "recovery" date. My recovery is a constant work in progress and as awful as this sounds, it is taking me a lot longer than her to "recover." Sometimes things seem sort out of focus.
"December 4, 2006. 7:55 pm Do I dare to breathe?? Do I dare to exhale?? Oh, Lord, I am almost afraid to!! I don't want to move for fear the walls may come tumbling down. Yet, my focus is not, should not, be my children. My adult children. I can't fear what Jenny might do or might not do - I can only relish in today. Today she is clean. On 12-1-06, it was one year off heroin. I don't know if another year will come - I can only hope. Yet, I cannot make that hope for recovery the foundation for my happiness. I know where my heart and mind must be - my faith is in you, Lord. Thanksgiving was magical. Oh, Lord, what a wonderful time we had!! After the turkey and stuffing, we played Sex and the City for hours, and then when were hungry again, we went to Walgreens for a frozen pizza. Oh, Lord, I will never understand your mercy...but thank you, thank you from the depths of my soul! Thank you for sparing Jenny's life when she shot up and died that day. That experience didn't cause her to quit, but I know, oh Lord, and she knows that was your face she saw. Thank you for bringing Brian home safely from Iraq. Help me to one day, feel total joy again, instead of this guarded kind. But even this, is wonderful. God Bless you, sweet Jesus!!" -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: October 31, 2007, 9:32 PM
October 31, 2007. Four years ago on this date, I started a journal and a journey. I stepped down into my own self-created hell. I let myself spiral into a place I should never have been. I didn't need to go there, but yet, I had to go there...then...I guess. Never again.
"December 11, 2006. 8:17 pm Have you ever felt your soul in pain? I was thinking the other night - how I am doing better, but how my soul hurts. It's like my soul is a part of me - a core inside of me, yet separate in some kind of way. It hurts and I can feel that it hurts right in my soul. My body doesn't hurt, but my soul, I can feel a pain there, a pain that only allows me to cry because I can't get to the pain. It's like I have no way to heal it - I can't reach it or touch it - I just have to feel it. I know I have to let God heal it and sometimes it feels like it's healing up, but then memories and thoughts seem to open the wound back up." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: December 12, 2007, 10:11 AM
December 11, 2007. I laughed the other day from my stomach - my God - do you know how long it has been since I laughed like that?? I can tell you - five, almost six, years. I feel like I've really grown in my recovery - I really do. Yet, sometimes I still wonder just a little bit if I feel like this because my daughter is clean. I don't think so, though. I've grown stronger and, yes, a bit selfish. I've missed ME. I want me back - laughing and living. I don't ever want to stop living again.
"January 7, 2007. Sunday 6:55 pm Doubts creep in. I am concerned. Jenny is feeling negative towards NA...again. Says she needs to find a new group. That old restlessness that can destroy. She says she can't figure out how NA is really helping. Says she is clean because she wants to be clean, but if she wants to use, she will use. NA doesn't stop her from doing that. I cautioned her to be careful. But, I am scared. Trying not to let my fears take me over, though. Trying real hard. I had a dream the other night that I have to write about. Man, it was awesome. I was on the phone with my sister when I went outside to look at the sky. I asked her if she was looking at it. It was unreal - so beautiful - the vibrant colors just bursting and the way the clouds were moving and the way the colors kept changing - nothing I've ever seen. I was in awe. Then a hole starts to come through the clouds. I asked my sister if she sees that and I wondered if Christ was coming back - half joking. I continued to stare and was in silent awe as I watched what I knew was Christ's pierced hand holding a torch come thru the hole in the sky - man, I was breathless. I looked around to see if others were going up, then I felt my body start to slip away, sort of whirl away and I wondered if it was going to hurt. I still had hold of the phone. The next thing I knew I was above a flock of angels. I looked down and I all I could see was a multitude of silvery wings - oh, it was incredible!! I could hear the thumping of the wings and it was just so grandeur!! Then I woke up. I have no idea what that was all about, but I was not scared and I did not think of Jenny or Brian or anything, just Christ and it was an amazing feeling." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: January 6, 2008, 8:41 PM
The winds of turmoil and pain and addiction whip at our spirits, trying to break us, trying to topple us. I had to step away from the board to just breathe for a while and I don't mean that in a bad way, I really don't. It's just that the bond that brings us together is sometimes so overwhelming. I cant' stay away, though!! I wish I could reach out and just pluck us each up and make us all better. Sometimes, it's just so hard to not be able to do much but sit back and pray and post and pray and post and pray and post. As for me, I'm doing good, really good. I spent an unexpected New Year's Eve with both Brian and Jenny and it was amazing. That moment or I should say a moment like it may never come again, but it is forever etched in my heart and in my memory and I thank God for it.
"Sunday, January 21, 2007 4:05 pm I just hung up from Jenny. She is walking on a tight rope, right now. Oh my gosh. She is so angry. Angry that she can't go drink with her neighbors and watch the Bears game. I am trying to stay strong myself. This isn't the first time she's felt like this lately. I can see a lot of ugly, ugly signs. She's talking negative about the program, about the people. I can see she's trying to keep it together, but, man oh man, it's hard for her. She wants to yet she doesn't want to. Oh Lord, please, please, please help her and me. Give me the strength to keep myself together as all I can do is to sit nearby and watch and listen - like I am waiting for the storm that I do not want to come. Please Jesus - turn the winds around, please." This post has been edited by MotherW on January 6, 2008, 9:24 PM -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: January 17, 2008, 9:56 PM
You know the old Christian song, "All is Well with My Soul," - well, I'm not there yet, but I'm very close. I don't hurt so much anymore in that place in my soul where human hands and medicine have no healing powers. But, it's quiter now...peace is beginning to dwell there and that feels pretty good.
"Sunday, April 29, 2007. 9:55 pm. It's my birthday today and though I'm getting older, it feels pretty darn good!! Wish I was thinner, but I'm working on that!! Anyway, it was nice today. Jenny came home to visit Saturday and brought me some lovely, lovely gifts, but nothing as lovely as seeing her clean. Man, that's awesome. Thank you Jesus. She looks so good with her dark shiny hair, soft tan skin and sparkling blue eyes. She is so pretty. Yes, it was nice today. We went to Robin's and she had made me a cake. Robin, me, Jenny and Cody went to Steak and Shake for lunch and it was nice. Jenny got a burger with no meat and I got a burger with meat. We were running late but we were going to see the indoor pool park and take Jenny to catch her bus back to the city. I always miss her when she goes back. Boy, I would love for her to live with me, but I know that would just be crippling to her. I would never, ever want to do that. I want that sweet girl to soar and I know God is going to take her places that only He could take her and I thank Him for that!! Take good care of her, Lord - always. I got to see Brian - he stopped by while he was on work! He looks so handsome in that uniform. Gosh, I am so proud of him, too!! Those kids of ours, Lord - they are going to be okay. You take good care of them all the days of their lives and let them never ever forget just how very much i love them and how their very presence has blessed me beyond measure." -------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: January 29, 2008, 8:39 PM
It's been a long, long walk. Never have I walked thru fires like I have during these past years. Standing at crossroads where I was afforded opportunities to go the other way, I instinctively turned towards the road to hell. I walked in the valley of addiction, hand-in-hand with my daughter. She didn't see me there, but I was there - perhaps walking even deeper than her. I'm not sure anyone else will ever understand the depths to which my soul had plunged. But, if they did, they would see how far I have come. When I look down at where I was, I hold my breath for a moment. I feel a little dizzy and scared because I know, I KNOW, it's not a place where any human being should ever dwell. But, man, after standing here looking down and catching my breath, I breathe - I really breathe. And with every powerful breath I take, strength and hope pump through my spirit and it feels amazing!
-------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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Posts: 1439
Joined: January 5, 2005
Posted: February 6, 2008, 10:34 PM
I’ve realized something. My daughter is working her recovery and all during this time - for almost two years, she calls me every day. Back in the day, I would have killed to have her call me every day. But, I need her to stop. Oh, I love talking to her. I enjoy our conversations and hearing how much she has grown in her own recovery. I love hearing the woman she has become. But, I need to know that I’ve grown into the woman I need to become. I need to know that if she doesn’t call, that I will be okay. That I won’t wonder…that I can continue with my plans without picking up the phone to call her. I need to walk along that cliff and know that I will not fall over the side.
-------------------- "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 | ||
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