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Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005
Posted: November 4, 2012, 3:00 AM
Hi Jeff!
Kerry, the emotional stuff gets better over time. I think it helps to know it's temporary, and that even if you are a mess, so what? It's better than being on pills, because what you're feeling is true emotion, even if it's very raw right now. Using makes us lose emotion. My mom died 4 years ago and I never shed a tear - I was too numbed by pills. I still am having a hard time sleeping more than a couple hours at a time (it's 2am right now!) but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. -------------------- It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to. | ||
Posts: 21
Joined: October 26, 2012
Posted: November 4, 2012, 10:39 AM
Today I am at day 14. I started a journal which has been very helpful to me. I should be farther than day 14 but I slipped on day 3 the first round this time. I have been in & out of taking my husbands oxy's too. This time has been different with the journal. I start the day with my thoughts & the obsession to take pills at the start of each day. On the first round on day 3 at 6:30am I decided I just needed to relax & I had to take some pills to do this. I took the pills then I had to change my journal from the progress I had made to day 3 & go back to DAY 0. I was mad at myself about that but I kept writing how I felt as the pills started to work & the nice relaxed feeling I had wanted only lasted for about 30 minutes then it was over. I continued to write my thoughts for the rest of the day & it was pain, anger, misery, guilt, shame, self hatred & it just goes on & on. Those feelings lasted the entire damn day. The next morning I got up & wanted pills again but I read DAY 0 again & realized I don't want to go through a day of misery for 30 minutes of a relaxed feeling. I had a hard struggle on day 3 again but every time I felt like taking something I just read DAY 0 again & it talked me out of it. I feel so much better & the obsession lifts more as each day goes by. It is amazing to see in my daily writings how thoughts of taking pills are taking up less of my thoughts & how much easier it is to talk myself out of it. I contine to read DAY 0 every single day & it gives me the comminment I need to continue this journey & gratitude for all of the days I have successfully past.
This post has been edited by CarenSue on November 4, 2012, 10:47 AM -------------------- Things do not change we do. Henry David Thoreau | ||
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Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005
Posted: November 4, 2012, 10:41 AM
CarenSue are you going to any meetings or getting any face to face help? Also, can you make it so your husband's medication isn't readily available to you?
-------------------- It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to. | ||
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Posts: 21
Joined: October 26, 2012
Posted: November 4, 2012, 10:53 AM
I am not going to meetings right now. I have been off alcohol for 9 years now & did go to AA regularly for a long time. I am on several of these message boards & get a lot of help & support there. My husband has just enough of his pills in the house for the week & he has them counted which I asked him to do so he would know if any are missing. That helps too but I now always think of only 30 minutes of the relaxed feeling then a full day of a painful feeling.
This post has been edited by CarenSue on November 4, 2012, 10:54 AM -------------------- Things do not change we do. Henry David Thoreau | ||
Posts: 15
Joined: October 16, 2012
Posted: November 4, 2012, 8:01 PM
Hey guys I'm okay, struggling with fatigue and really bad aggitation. I'm doing my best to isolate myself in my house so I'm not hateful to anyone. My husband is trying to keep the kids occupied. He will be home the next 2 days but the guilt is eating me alive. I went to an accupuncturist on Friday and he helped me with a nutrition regimen that is also supposed to help with addiction. Time will tell, I'll keep everyone posted. I just want the depression to go away! God bless each and everyone of you. We can do this together as friends! If anyone needs me please write.
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: November 5, 2012, 1:05 PM
Kristen..I get what you're saying about the aggression and not wanting to be hateful towards anyone..but isolation? Not a good idea. This is where face to face comes in. Going to a meeting is scary..especially if you've never been or don't know much about them but if you give yourself a chance..I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I couldn't do this by myself. Did you read where Addict Mom said she stopped going to meetings? Stopped being around other addicts? There's a connection there. Even if meetings aren't for you, then try counseling. Talking to another human being face to face is part of the healing..start of your journey. We have to get out of our heads.
As all of you know, the worst of this will be over soon. The physical part. Some take a little longer than others but the mental stuff is way harder. If you don't have a plan, some way to work through this, relapse isn't just a symptom, it's a given. I've been there too many times to not know how this goes. Start being part of the solution. Do something. Posting here is great, even starting a phone tree among you or emailing or whatever. Just stay connected. You can not do this alone. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
Posts: 234
Joined: October 24, 2012
Posted: November 5, 2012, 1:13 PM
I wanted to share something amazing about the meetings. So y'all know I have been going to a ton; some I get a lot out of and some I still get solution but don't feel "home" so I'm sticking to AA and PA. But for anyone in the southern California area there are amazing PA meetings!
I went to one last night and one man shared he had 23 days off methadone and had 17 yrs in AA sober!!! So then I share for myself and so he doesn't feel as alone. So afterwards he and I are talking and a man walks up and hugs me and looks me in the eye and says "you are not alone" He had 24 years in AA and now has 2 again in PA and AA!!!!! It was such a relief to talk to someone about how i feel so confused and lost as to who i am and where i belong! And when i shared about how this is the hardest thing i have ever done, he just smiled and again said "you are not alone" and that it was the hardest thing he had ever done as well. I felt so hopeful and loved and I just cannot reiterate enough that we can get through even the psychological part with love and relating through others like us. Day 13 here and rocking it sisters!! But I craved on day 11 and had I not been going to all these meetings, I would have been making plans to not tell my Dr most likely. Good luck everyone!! | ||
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Posts: 15
Joined: October 16, 2012
Posted: November 5, 2012, 8:00 PM
Im feeling well enough to find a meeting now. Wish me luck because there are alot of places to chose from. I'll keep everybody posted.
Hugs, Kristen | ||
Posts: 6750
Joined: September 15, 2005
Posted: November 6, 2012, 10:36 AM
Hello to you Mom--How is it going? I voted earlier and had so much fun. People were pissed many left as the lines were??? we were first yet it took awhile and man I had my Mitt Romney and NY Post among other funny stuff as were I live its an older jewish lib era; crowd. And tons of these people were my dads friends who understand politics and my mothers friends?? Forget about it
Very cool to be sober and Vote. Take care Mom--Jeffrey -------------------- It is Just Not worth it. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the puck happened." One Day At A Time | ||
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: November 8, 2012, 12:18 PM
How's it going AMom? Thinking about you...
Ready to share? Are you back at meetings full time? Sponsor? Working the steps? Remember, I'm a pushy broad..(thank you Tina)lol You always know where to find me. xo -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posts: 234
Joined: October 24, 2012
Posted: November 8, 2012, 2:20 PM
Yes I've been thinking about you too addict mom a LOT! I hope your doing ok!
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Posts: 6750
Joined: September 15, 2005
Posted: November 10, 2012, 2:48 AM
Whats up Mom????????????????????????????????????????????
-------------------- It is Just Not worth it. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the puck happened." One Day At A Time | ||
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Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005
Posted: November 10, 2012, 12:04 PM
Hey Everyone!
I am clean, sober and as usual, very busy! I travel for my job, and this past week was rough just because of the crushing fatigue still. But I am getting back to "me" and am SO grateful! For anyone in the first weeks of recovery, stay BUSY. I've been to lots of meetings, forced myself to exercise, and I eat very well. I stay away from sugars and junk food, or else I feel terrible. I still take occasional epsom salt baths for aches and pains. I guess my point is, you can sit and obssess about addiction and pills, or you can live your life. Maybe I have a different perspective because I had clean time before this relapse, but I am a recovering addict who has lots of blessings and I am grateful for every single day God gives me. This board has been a lifesaving resource for me, but I strongly encourage everyone to go out and get face time with other addicts - it keeps you honest! :) -------------------- It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to. | ||
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Posts: 6750
Joined: September 15, 2005
Posted: November 10, 2012, 2:14 PM
very cool enjoy your weekend
jeffrey -------------------- It is Just Not worth it. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the puck happened." One Day At A Time | ||
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Posts: 234
Joined: October 24, 2012
Posted: November 10, 2012, 4:50 PM
Yay thank you for the update and so grateful you are clean again :) keep us updated on how you are doing please and how you are doing it :)
Kerry | ||
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Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005
Posted: November 11, 2012, 1:47 PM
Kerry - I am just taking it a day at a time. I really spiraled down quickly this time. I screwed up relationships with family, got complacent at my job, and wondered if hitting my 53rd birthday was even worth it. No amount of pills, alcohol, shopping, or food made me feel any better.
For me, when death starts to look preferable to life, it's a message from HP to pick myself up and make those necessary changes. I know in my heart God has a better plan for me than drugs. He gave me a real clear picture of where I was headed when I watched my older sister die because of drugs. I truly feel He does not want that for me. I am not a religious person. Being raised Catholic, I still resent the guilt and shame I carry because of those strict teachings as a child. But I'm very spiritual, and I believe in a HP; I call mine God. For anyone who doesn't believe in God, believe in the power of other addicts who can help you recover. Peace out, again - gotta pack and get on the road for 4 days! I'll check in later in the week; I don't log on to this site when I travel cause I use my work computer. -------------------- It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to. | ||
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Posts: 234
Joined: October 24, 2012
Posted: November 11, 2012, 1:51 PM
Preach it sister! I also knew my HP did not have death in mind for me and showed me where my path was headed.
Day 19 and rock on sisters and brothers! | ||
Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012
Posted: November 15, 2012, 4:53 PM
Hey all, What is going on? No one has posted for a while. You all are special and I care.
Busca | ||
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Posts: 6750
Joined: September 15, 2005
Posted: November 15, 2012, 6:19 PM
Mom How was your trip? Holidays coming what are you doing? Pretty cool got my sister bro bunch of friends my daughters all hitting a hotel for 3-4 days--Praying we do not have one of those cold spells--I am very spoiled--regarding the heat.
Take care of yourself--Jeffrey -------------------- It is Just Not worth it. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the puck happened." One Day At A Time | ||
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Posts: 1841
Joined: January 1, 2005
Posted: November 17, 2012, 10:48 AM
Jeff, my trips are for work and I usually come home exhausted and with a "to-do" list of 1000 things! But actually work is a good thing for me - I enjoy it and I'm good at it.
I remember not being able to walk into a meeting or go to the grocery store, for that matter, without popping pills first. I felt they gave me the confidence, wit and charm I needed. Well, that's a lie that this disease wants us to think. I look back and cringe at some of the ridiculous things I did at work while on pills. Today, I am grateful to say I can do my job, interact with family, make decisions, and be the real me with no pills and no apologies. It's hard not to look back and shame myself for "lost" decades of my life, but we have no choice but to keep going forward. I thank everyone here on this board for putting their ESH (experience, strength and hope) out there for us to learn from. -------------------- It's my party and I'll stay clean if I want to. | ||
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