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Posts: 6
Joined: November 27, 2012
Posted: November 27, 2012, 11:41 PM
Hi Nurse82 and everyone else,
I’m a nurse as well and would like to share with you what happened to me. My story is a long one but I hope it will be useful for you or someone else, I decided to take the time to write this to you because you sound a little like myself and I wish you would buckle down and get this taken care of while it is still your choice to do so. You have a very serious problem. Being caught at work was the single most humiliating experience I have ever had. At the same time, it was a relief. I had wanted to stop many times, knew I was addicted and every morning before my shift, vowed to taper or not steal drugs that day. Didn’t work. I began to use to help me cope with a failing marriage. This happened in 1994, before Pyxis became the standard, and I would steal drugs by getting creative with the paperwork and by taking discards. I also was taking Percocets that were the property of an inpatient and were being stored in the med room to be given back to her upon discharge. I was finally caught and given a choice: get treatment through a confidential state program that would protect my license as well as offer support or face disciplinary charges thru the state that would likely have resulted in the loss of my license. The facility also held my position for me which they didn’t have to do. I went to outpatient treatment, complied with the rules of the state program and eventually went back to work where I was monitored by a co-worker of my choosing. I was clean for about eight months and relapsed though I didn’t steal from work, I was forging scripts. Well, I got caught AGAIN because I was impaired at work and was fired after 12 or 13 years of working at that facility. My marriage was over, I filed for divorce but was still reeling from the emotional pain. I found a job at a nursing home but was unable to keep my hands off the drugs and was fired AGAIN. I forged scripts off and on for roughly 15 years. When I wasn’t forging, I began to drink and that became a problem as well. Of course I was caught forging and luckily got a misdemeanor forgery charge after spending a week in jail. I was sentenced to probation, I went back to rehab and I was able to stay clean for about two years before I began to forge scripts again. Yup, I did it again, got caught AGAIN and got a felony charge. After two and a half weeks in jail, I was offered drug court and participated in that for two years, I was in no rush and took my time getting well, doing outpatient rehab the whole time. This was in 2005. I was unable to stop on my own and it took landing my butt in jail, twice, to break the cycle. In 2008 I relapsed, forging scripts again believe it or not. I got into a car accident before I totaled my car after falling asleep while driving impaired and broke both ankles badly, requiring surgery and three months in a wheelchair. Thankfully, I never faced any charges. Unbelievably, when I recovered from that I began to use yet again and got into 6 car accidents, which included hitting a bicyclist. By the grace of God he was not injured. So back to rehab I went, voluntarily. By this time I was realizing how serious my addiction is. It took a hell of a long time, I don’t know why, it just was. I am, to be honest, mostly clean but right now in a bit of a relapse, buying on the internet. It’s time for me to get help again if I can’t snap out of it. It’s not too bad at this time so I have to stop it now. Writing this has helped me too. I am an addict. For life. But there is hope and you can recover but you must stop before you end up like me. Please do it. Call your states licensing board and they should be able to refer you to a confidential program where you also will be monitored. When you call them for the number, you don’t have to say who you are I don’t think. But of course when you call the program you have to be honest. You should go to detox where they can help you withdraw with the use of appropriate meds, tapering has never worked for me. You probably won’t have to be there too long depending on your own situation. I attend a support group for addicted nurses that really helps. We basically all have the same story of how we became addicted. My experience with addiction has taken up many good (bad) years of my life. Nurse82, please, the time is now, your problem is serious. Look at all I have been through. Make a fresh start, you can do it. It probably won’t be as bad as you think. I really hope that I helped you and someone else out today. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask, okay? | ||
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Posted: November 29, 2012, 1:54 PM
I appreciate all the replies...good and bad. I am not in control of the vicodin taper and they are being rationed out to me. Well I get the 6 a day and it is up to me to divide them and i actually got so busy yesterday that i only took four( i did think about saving the two extra for today but was straight up with my ration friend and he only gave me four this morning...i really dont feel a high anyways but still empowering and he was proud of me) . I talked to my scheduler at work and may be able to get 3 days off starting this Monday(praying that i do because i feel ready) and I wont be due back to work until 2 on thursday.So I am hopefully going cold turkey Sunday and that will allow me 4.5 days to withdrawal. I am hopeful that it will be a lot easier than what i felt a couple weeks ago from the morphine and oxy abstinence. I keep getting advice to go to detox and get on subs but detox is gonna happen at my house and i have witnessed sub addiction and withdrawal and no thanks. I know it works for some and maybe i am wrong but if I was able to get off the morphine and oxy then isnt sub a bit extreme for vicodin withdrawal? I am hoping the mental part will not be too bad since my use started a year ago but really got hardcore about 7 months ago. I think i mentioned before that a year ago I wouldnt even put a tylenol in my body much less morphine. Anyway i know started using to cope with a divorce and custody battle. That is over now and this needs to be too. I am also prior military and was lucky enough to score a job as a correctional nurse in feb out east. I am so excited to have this opportunity and it feels like divine intervention ( I am assuming... though i may be wrong... that narcotics are not gonna be something i administer often to the inmates). Plus seeing the outcome of drug use on a daily basis will hopefully motivate me. I know my methods of getting back to the drug free me are not textbook/typical but i am not your typical woman lol and i have a lot of pride and determination. A couple of u have doubted me and that negativity has helped fuel my desire to do this. The anxiety that i was feeling on the taper days was actually my blood pressure and taking half of a 0.1mg clonidine on the days i dropped mg last week helped soooo much. I threw away the tramadol as i read some horrible withdrawal stories about those. I def have all the meds and gatorade to make this as bubble gut free as possible...Anyway i rambled enough and i am gonna get ready for work. Praying i get those much needed 3 days off so i can get this over with.
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Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: November 29, 2012, 2:27 PM
Good luck, Nurse. I hope you get your 3 days off and can kick this thing.
And I'm going to throw this out there and how you take it is yours.
I went back & read your posts & replies and didn't see anything negative, in fact, what I read was a lot of honesty. I don't think anybody doubts you, I see where people were very concerned for your life and the lives of those you are responsible to take care of as a Nurse. I'd sh*t if one of my loved ones was being cared for by a nurse who had opiate levels as high as yours were. Not judging, just stating a fact and in reality, that's some scary stuff. If you're going to get clean & sober and stay that way, you're going to need to get rid of your Ego & Pride and get humble. Without honesty, an open mind and a lot of willingness, you won't have a shot at staying clean..................Just my experience. Keep coming back, your sharing actually reminds me of me back a few 24hrs ago. xoxo Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posted: November 29, 2012, 3:53 PM
Thanks Stacey and maybe I am taking them wrong but if it is helping motivate me then keep the "doubt/negativity" coming lol. Found out My brother will be gone to fl for a couple weeks so this is awesome. I can lay up on my couch during my days off without worrying bout him wanting me to scoot over or change the channel lol. My boyfriend is ready also and has agreed to help me out during the withdrawal. Everything is falling in place but either way i gotta do this. I cant wait to start the"im clean" post.
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Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: November 29, 2012, 5:22 PM
I cant wait to start the"im clean" post.
Amen~ and I can't wait to log on and see it! As bad as it might get, you can get through it and you will never have to go through it again as long as you don't pick up. xoxo -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posted: November 29, 2012, 6:05 PM
undefinedI know my methods of getting back to the drug free me are not textbook/typical but i am not your typical woman lol and i have a lot of pride and determination.
Are you sure that's not just ego and thinking you are different? This disease does not discriminate and as long as you are even taking 1 Vicodin,you are not completely thinking straight.If you think that's judgemental,I'm sorry it's not.It's a fact. Unless you finally surrender,ask for help and realize that you will never beat this,you could still have a lot more pain in your life. The answers are here and the help is here or we wouldn't even reply to you.Nobody's bashing you or judging.We are just telling it like it is.It pissed me off too. Good Luck | ||
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Posted: November 29, 2012, 11:33 PM
hey nurse girl. I used nurse girl instead of nurse addict because I really dont like the word addict. It sounds so permanent and I know your going to beat this. listen i was engaged to a nurse who began stealing painkillers from work also because i was on painkillers and she started taking mine and became addicted herself. She eventually got fired and went into private healthcare taking care of paralized patients in there home. She then started taking meds from her patients and its been nonstop ever since. Were no longer together and it sucks because it was my fault. I live with that every day. You do have choices. You can use your degree for something else in the medical field to get away from the painkillers. You sound like a very intelligent girl and i think you know what you need to do. Its just actually doing it thats the hard part. Even if you get off the pills and continue as a nurse your always gonna have the temptation because your around it every time you go to work. Your not a bad person, you just got caught up in it and now you dont know how to get out. Being a nurse your intelligent enough to know what these pills are and do to people and what the end result can be. You have to really want a change nurse girl. You can do this. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: November 30, 2012, 11:00 PM
Nurse82,
You sounds like me back in 1993. Yeah, I was that one who was going to beat this disease. I was too smart, too educated and too determined to do it my way. This addiction feeds on EGO and pride. So far at this site you have three nurse stories. Not one of them made it continuing to have access to narcotics. Google forums for addicted nurses and see what the percentage is of addicted nurses who make it longterm dealing with narcotics. It is very slim. Recovery is a life long process. Getting clean is the easy part. Staying clean is the tough part. You may stay off for a few weeks, a few months or even a few years but I doubt the years if you continue to have access to narcs. I believe you can get off. I am rooting for you. I have concerns and doubts that you will stay off if you don't make some major changes. How many meetings have you attended? You already see how the mental part tries to sabotage your taper. It gets worse. This disease will sit under your skin and wait for a low point in your life and will convince you to just take one, that one will turn to two and before you knw it your back in full blown stealing injectables. This has been my experience and recovery since 1993 when I tried and tried and tried until I got humbled,realized this disease was bigger than my EGO and PRIDE, surrendered and asked for help. Even after sometime clean I went back and relapsed. The next time it wasn't narcs, it was methadone and heroin. We all do want you to succeed. You are not unique. WE know how powerful this addiction is and the years of insanity it brings. | ||
Posts: 2347
Joined: March 29, 2005
Posted: December 2, 2012, 8:39 PM
all you can do.is want it bad enough and things will happen.everyone is driffrent,do what works for you,take the advice people give you,and do the best you can with it,sweetheart.poopie4
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Posted: December 4, 2012, 2:36 PM
Im a Nurse and you are on the brink of losing everything; your job, license, health and possibly more. You should not work near narcs for any reason. You will get caught. I hope you don't lose what you are so close to losing. I hope you know that you are an addict and need help and I pray you get the help you need before it is too late. I lost so much and it is hard to pick up the pieces
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Posted: December 5, 2012, 12:19 PM
I hit the 72° (3day) mark of no opiates and i finally think the withdrawal symptoms are easing up. Personally i think day 2 was the worst. I am just begining day 3 so maybe i will get waves of symptoms. I meant to post updates on day one and two but i just layed on couch and roughed it out. I am hoping to be completely symptom free by this weekend but i def feel 50% better than this time yesterday.
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Posted: December 5, 2012, 1:51 PM
Day 3! Wonderful !
That was the toughest for me, I am at day 7 and doing better. Keep posting, we care and I know I feel your determination , don't give up | ||
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Posted: December 5, 2012, 6:07 PM
I def spoke to soon because it has hit me again... i think just laying around 3 days made me weak. How r u sleeping now and did u / do u feel "keyed up" ( only way to describe it)
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Posts: 234
Joined: October 24, 2012
Posted: December 5, 2012, 8:46 PM
For me the 90 hour mark was the worst. I hit my knees BiGtime during those few hours. But it got exponentially better the fifth day and after, physically anyways.
You've come this far so don't go back no matter what because inevitably you will have to do this at some point. Or die :( Much love, Kerry day 43 | ||
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Posted: December 5, 2012, 10:36 PM
Day 3 was terrible for me, agitated, tired, nervous ,delicate as glass but took many long baths, headphones, listened to audiobooks and music, I did reach out to our local detox centre to just talk to someone . Sleeping is hit and miss but I hope that improves soon, but I read stuff if I can't sleep and try to meditate, well "forced relax" reminders. Deep breathes - that sort of thing .
It does improve, are you having panic attacks or just nerves? Hang in This post has been edited by Wheretobegin on December 5, 2012, 10:41 PM | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: November 27, 2012
Posted: December 6, 2012, 12:51 AM
Hi Nurse82-
I'm glad to hear that you are making some progress with your w/d. Consider seeing a counselor, talking with someone honestly can be rather enlightening but you must, must be honest. Seeking help is the beginning of your recovery, not simply w/d. If that were the case, we wouldn't all be here trying to guide you. Can I ask why you are opposed to seeing a counselor? But, I understand because at one point we were all like you. Well, we still are but things change when you get help. I can never be around narcs again. On every occasion when I had access, whether at work or a friends home or wherever, I stole them and down the hatch they went without hesitation. Even to this day after all I have been through and lost. At this point there is no picking up pieces, they have been smashed into smithereens by my addiction. It is what it is and I live with that and do the best I can with what I have. Thank God for my two doggies, they get me up and out of bed everyday, otherwise, who knows. I lost a career that I loved and miss terribly. I still have my license but I can't use it. I can't do the the direct patient care that was so satisfying anymore. Well, I could but it wouldn't last long. Anyway, I'm crying now thinking about things so I'm going to bed. | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: December 6, 2012, 12:48 PM
NYSNurse, I admire your honesty about yourself and your limitations regarding being around drugs...sorry about your sadness, but very glad you got out with your life.
Lots of terminal uniqueness here, lots of specialness..."tough and determined"...what, you think none of the other women here are tough and determined? I can tell you that they are and they've got experiences that can help you, but it won't help at all until you are less intent on being so 'different' and, more intent on wanting the kind of recovery they have...many, many clean years on this board. "Only" a year in addiction...that's about 12 times what it takes to become entrenched in addiction...sounds like you were in plenty deep enough. And let's not forget the accompanying behaviors: lying, manipulation, theft...bet those didn't take long to kick in. I sincerely hope this taper works, but I also hope it hurts enough to sap a bit of that pride and ego that's keeping you from hearing what these good people have to offer. Peace ~ MomNMore This post has been edited by MomNMore on December 6, 2012, 12:54 PM -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posted: December 6, 2012, 6:11 PM
Mom no more i dont know what side of the bed u got out of but thankfully I rolled off the other side as u....I will def not reply to u... not today anyways...to everyone else I am at day 4 and fought the urges at work YAY ME! I am still having symptoms but they only come in waves. I have to get up at 4am for work so It def sucked this morning but i made it thanks to a double dose of immodium :-)
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: December 6, 2012, 8:46 PM
My post would have been more appropriate several days ago before you had your clean days... Now is the time for bolstering you which I'm sure the regulars will do. Congratulations and I hope you can maintain it, I truly do.
All the best - m&m -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: November 27, 2012
Posted: December 8, 2012, 1:00 AM
Thanks for saying that MomNmore. I don't dwell on things but sometimes a good cry helps so much. It's been awhile since I lost my favorite job so it's in the past but the feelings rear up now and then. I definately still do mourn my loss but no worries.
Honesty-I've always been pretty honest except for my drug use. I would be high and my friends would sometimes notice (especially when I was abusing Soma-VERY dangerous stuff). Anyway, I'd always say, "No, I'm fine!" as I stumbled around. Wow. It was obvious you know? I laugh about it now but it really wasn't funny at all. I just couldn't admit it when it was brought up, even though I knew I was (am) an addict. Now that I am (mostly) clean, I look back or see someone on a talk show denying their use or saying "it's not a problem" or whatever, I'm like, yeah right! Or on that Dr Drew rehab show, they're searching thru the addicts belongings on check in, and the counselor would find some drugs, the addict exclaimed, "I didn't know that was in there!". OMG, I thought, did I sound so "convincing"? Not. LOL! What a s***ty addict you are, not knowing where your drugs are, lol. We always know where our drugs are, right? Nurse 82, glad you are feeling ok, I was wondering though why you are opposed to talking to a counselor or therapist? It would at least be worth a try anyway, certainly won't hurt. | ||
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