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Posts: 4
Joined: January 30, 2014
Posted: January 30, 2014, 6:59 PM
Hi I am new here. Hope I belong here. I am not a relative, rather a friend of a recovering addict. Trying to be a good friend and to understand what my friend is going through on a day-to-day basis. I have no idea, just want to be a good friend. This seems to be the best forum I have found online. OK for me to be here?
This post has been edited by Firesong on January 30, 2014, 6:59 PM | ||
Posts: 71
Joined: January 20, 2014
Posted: January 30, 2014, 8:57 PM
of course...everyone is welcome.
You'll see you will get a lot of great advice, support & listening on this board. Welcome | ||
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Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: February 2, 2014, 2:34 PM
tell us a little of what you and your friend are going through?
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Posts: 4
Joined: January 30, 2014
Posted: February 2, 2014, 9:59 PM
Thanks, Lori2NJ and momg.
I have a very good friend who is a recovering addict and is currently on suboxone by prescription. I know some of what they have been through but I don't really know what it is like to be in their shoes in day-to-day living. I know I could ask, but we don't see each other a whole lot (long distance friendship) and I'm not really good at asking people personal questions, even though my intentions are good. I guess I just worry because they don't seem to have much of a life. A job, yes; but when they're not at work they seem to just want to sleep all the time or just watch TV. I would go totally stir crazy if I never went anywhere or did anything but just sleep and watch TV (not that I have all that active a life). I know it can be very important when you are trying to stay clean to not socialize with old friends who could drag you down again, and I wish the two of us lived nearer each other so we could get together more. I just want my friend to be happy, and well. I have never done any hard drugs, and only ever take OTC pain and sleep and allergy meds now, so I feel really ignorant. Just want to be a good friend. And when we do get to spend time together I do not urge going places and doing things, just hanging out and chilling together. Just enjoying the peace and each other's company. Guess that should be enough that we're both here and alive, right? This post has been edited by Firesong on February 2, 2014, 10:00 PM | ||
Posts: 3
Joined: February 2, 2014
Posted: February 3, 2014, 11:47 AM
How do you two know each other? I ask because I've been in your situation several times, and the more I know about your history with your friend, the better I'll be able to determine which of my experiences would be most relevant to your situation.
Having said that, I know that I have to view boredom as an incredibly dangerous state of mind for myself to be in. Honestly, it's not much different than if I were to start going to bars and not drinking; "just to hang out", in other words. Boredom very quickly leads to depression for me, and depression very quickly leads to drugs and alcohol. In AA and NA, there is a term known as "White-Knuckling": it refers to an addict or alcoholic who is regularly thinking about relapse, but not doing work to address this issue. Rather, they're just gritting their teeth and trying to bear it. They clench their fists tight, their knuckles turn white. AA and NA believes this is almost always a losing proposition; the urges to relapse don't go away, but rather just get worse, and eventually they use. It's sort of like holding your breath; eventually, you will be so uncomfortable that you will start dramatically gasping in air. I mention 'white-knuckling' because this is where boredom tends to get me. What makes this so difficult is that I frequently am not totally aware that I am doing this. I am reluctant to give advice because I am not a professional. I'm just an alcoholic/addict in recovery for six months now. I've been trying to get clean for 11 years, and in that time I have had periods of 2.5 years of good sobriety, 3 years of good sobriety, and now these six months. I have been in situations like yours, but I also had experiential knowledge due to my own history of addiction. Consider an Al-Anon meeting. You can be around others in your situation, share about your concerns, and hear what others in your situation have done for the addict they care about. You'll hear things that worked and things that didn't work. You'll also learn more about the nature of addiction, albeit from a 12-steps perspective. Until then, I think you should just let your friend know you are there for him. Addicts don't like to be preached to (and chances are there are many people in his life who are doing exactly this). Just try to come from a place of love and empathy. If you would like to email me, I'd be more than willing to offer you my perspective throughout this journey you're on: rustbeltrecovery@gmail.com | ||
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Posts: 4
Joined: January 30, 2014
Posted: February 3, 2014, 3:36 PM
Thanks, RustBeltRecovery.
I appreciate what you said about hating to be preached to. I hate to be preached to, myself. I don't preach--wouldn't dream of preaching to someone I cared about, most of all. :) I know from personal experience it doesn't help -- can actually make a person go just the opposite way the preacher wants them to (as if the preacher had any right to make the call!). My dad did that. We just enjoy each other's company and I know how good it is to be able to just hang out with a friend with no special agenda of What do you wanna do? What can we do now? What's on? The love I can do (I think :) ); the empathy? That is what I need to learn about. My friend and I know we are there for each other, 24/7. Got each other's backs. This post has been edited by Firesong on February 3, 2014, 3:42 PM | ||
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