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Posts: 14
Joined: October 6, 2011
Posted: December 6, 2011, 6:04 AM
Hi,
im here again saying i want to quit then i kid myself everyday saying that i want to stop but im still doing what im doing..I know the solution is total abstinence but i keep having reasons to myself that i can undergo withrawal stage coz of many reasons..please if anyone out there has passed the test in quitting and now is living a meth free life PLEASE HELP ME i need to know the best techniques i can do to just stop.. was wondering do i have to go away and disappear for a while? everything around me reminds me or ice and when i remember i wanna do it im starting to get scared i want to stop but stopping is very hard what do i do? | ||
Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 14, 2011, 4:25 PM
Hey Jodi, ya still here?? I've been at a loss for words ever since reading this several days ago when you first posted it. I could be wrong, I dunno, I never go back and reread posts and/or replies I make. I'm terrible about second guessing things I say,....From experience I know if I go back I rethink everything,.....which leads to lots of deleting and overthinking. That overthinking crap drives me nuts,....reminds me of the ol' meth fueled days. For my own peace of mind,...I simply write from my heart and instincts, based on personal experiences either of my own, or real life friends and acquaintences.
I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or addiction counselor,....The only affiliation I have with this site is this is where I first began posting some 7 to 8 yrs ago. Sharing my own experiences and knowledge of meth was, and is what worked for me in terms of recovery. I'm already having second thoughts about posting this reply because The words I, I'm, me etc. have already been used too many times. These posts are not about me,...this one in particular is about you and your struggles,....I'm pretty sure I've already filled you in on my story ( if I'm wrong I apologize ) So when you asked for someone who's faught the fight and beaten it,....honestly? my thought was WTF? do you bother to read the replies to you or what? Those last few words also made me realize I'm being awfully selfish and self-centered. I started using meth and every form of stimulants back when I was 15,...quitting it all was never even a thought for the next 15 yrs. I was 30 yrs old, a step daughter and a 3 month old daughter of my own when I got pulled over,....busted for possession. At that time I was up to doing 3 to 4 grams each and every day. I knew I had a problem and needed help, there was a fully covered rehab program thru my employer,....I called them and after the intial interview was determined that an intensive outpatient program would be best for me. Add to that, the court ordered me to attend their drug, as well as alcohol programs. The short version is I was clean for about 3 to 4 months,....still hangin out with the same people I always partied with,.....that always saying no slipped up into a " ahh, what the heck,..what can one line hurt?" One of the things preached at all 3 programs was " once you use again,...you'll be right back to where you were when ya first quit in no time" SOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!! That one seemingly innocent line was the equivalent of a dam fully breaking. POOOF! I was right back to where I was in practically no time. Still, I learned a lot of valuable tools in those programs,.....yes, it'd be easy to simply say they didnt work at all! the reality is the programs didn't fail me,.....I failed myself. I was never forced or coerced to use,...it was always within my control to use, or not use,.....just as it is with you and every other addict. The things I learned thru those 12 step programs were extremely influential in my quitting all my other "partyin" ways......except for meth,.....I spent the next 20 yrs dealing with a lingering, extreme addiction to meth. Since my ex also used,...we only had to hide it from the kids and family/friends who didnt use. ( which wasnt really all that many ) The difference between my ex and myself was that I openly admitted to being totally whipped by meth,.. By the time I was 49 yrs old,...I had several health issues, severe asthma, breathing problems, high blood pressure as well as a high resting heart rate. As far as I was concerned, the writing was on the wall,.....it was quit, or die. I turned to the internet,..finding as much information on meth as I could,...short term as well as long term effects. I found this site as well as others dealing with addiction to meth. I discovered I opened up in many many ways I' never would have in face to face situations,...... I still remember how paranoid I was about posting in the beginning,.....heck, I was still using a lot,....I was also blessed by the fact I had become very close friends with a lady friend on an online game site. we'd been really close friends for a couple yrs,..her boyfriend had pancreatic cancer and passed. She was aware of all my issues, in spite of them,...she was still intersted in pursuing a more personal relationship. Meth was EVERYWHERE where I used to live,....I knew I had to admit I was powerless to meth ( one of the 12 steps by the way ) I jumped at the chance to start a new life, we met, felt right,...I moved 2500 miles just as my 50th b-day arrived,.......I still had a small stash ( 2 to 3 grams ) She asked me if I'd brought any with me,.........for my 50th b-day I did something I never, ever thought I would or could do,......Dumped my stash in the toilet and flushed it!! As fate would have it,....on my 51st b-day I was back visiting family, I caved and picked up a bag of meth,.......so wrong, took me a long time to admit it here,.....but that last use turned into a wealth of information about myself and my addiction. The main thing being I really was whipped by meth,.....I was practically powerless to it,....I do however have/had to remove myself from my addiction. I'm no Pollyanna tho lol, I do realize that meth is everywhere,...there are more and more news reports of meth lab busts, meth arrests in the area,....but when I dont know anyone other than my girlfriend ( who has no addictions ) meth has never tempted me untill last new years at a party we went to,.....I was offered a blast of meth, what was really cool,....saying no was easy and natural . I've had 2 heart attacks since quitting,....but (duh) I survived them both. I have zero doubt that had I not quit,...I'd have only had one heart attack,....much sooner than my first one,...and I would not have survived it. so,...Jodi! you asked for someone who's been there, done that,.....35 yrs of addiction,....20 yrs of failed recovery attempts,......7 yrs of clean time,.....6 if ya wanna be a hard core since last used kinda person,........personally, I am not gonna hold a 3 day run against the 12 months prior of being clean. I think I qualify as the addict you're lookin for. To be hard core open and honest,....please dont take offense to my saying this,....when I first read this new thread of yours,....I kinda changed my opinion of you,....I had thought you had a good head on your shoulders, had everything in a fairly decent place to deal with,....and then this post,....with the same basic issues and asking for help like it's gonna come in the form of a few magical words of advice. Whatever the substance one is addicted to,...it took a while to get to this point,...you can't expect to stop using and presto! everything's back to normal. Think of all the time, effort and money in using it took you to get to this point. I am not aware of ANY meth addict that did not struggle with recovery. Thinking back to my own recovery,....I remember months and months of whining, bitching, complaining, and over-all just bein a miserable SOB. I apologize for shorting you or anyone else understanding. I remember you wrote something to do with moving away. As you just read,. thats what I had to do, and it worked out well for me. Only you know all the facts about your addiction, the path you must take to recovery is up to you. It isnt easy, quitting,..it is however an accomplishment of extraordinary strength and will. Meth wipes out the "pleaure/reward" neural pathways in the brain,....with effort, you will rewire/reprogram the brain to make life fullfilling. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posted: December 15, 2011, 3:59 AM
Thankyou for that lengthy post! I too am struggling with addiction that has been complicated by the fact that I was so good at leading a double life. I used daily for 1-1/2 years, until Aug. 2011 when I realized that I could not have a meth filled fulfilling, all-my-dreams come true life. When I'm really hi, I believe that all my dreams can come true, but on day 5 of no sleep -- I start to realize that I am damn lucky I still have a job and a nice apartment and a computer and an I-phone, etc... but I also owe my mom a lot of money :( and I am 1 job review from losing my job and then 1 rent check from losing my apartment.
I have been meth free since mid-October (with 1 - 72 hr relapse). I have found a 28yr old friend (who battles with addiction in a very adult way compared to my immature 51 years) and I have slowly told the truth to my circle of friends. Tonight, I told one of my friends that I had become distant... and he began to cry and he told me that he had begun to assume that I was crazier than he had thought I was. He was so relieved to know that my craziness is meth related ?!?!?!?! By coming clean on Twitter (AmerixxxanHstry) and to my friends; I took the next huge step of deleting my dealer's # over-the-weekend and I promised my ex (I know... do it for yourself and not for others) that I will go to a meeting tomorrow. I also accepted my doctor's offer of the dopamine enhancer - Wellbutrin) My next scheduled relapse is NYE weekend. I am confident that I will find something more important in my life than meth to begin 2012. However, if I relapse - I will be honest about it knowing that my friends have only so much patience for these antics! TheWisdomOfJerryGarcia: Perceptions are always individualized. m--- | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 15, 2011, 4:45 PM
Hi michaelf, welcome to the board and if anything I wrote has helped, I thank you. Even tho I generally view age as just a number, I gotta admit it's kinda nice to read a post from another 50-somethin lol.
What struck me the most about your post is ( as it is with every struggling addict ) that running theme of self-doubt,..guilt,...in your case you described yourself as dealing with your addiction in an immature way. Don't go comparing yourself to other people/users,...meth addiction is an extremely odd beast. I beat myself up for years because of friends I knew that could use meth,....and then not,...just like that. To be honest and fair, I'll say that was only as true as I was able to see. Bottom line is,...the only meth problem one has to concern themselves with is their OWN. This is YOUR issue, YOUR life,....and only YOU can stop yourself from using. What the heck do you mean "immature"??? becoming self-aware of your problem with meth is theee most important part of recovery,...ya got that michaelf,...Comin clean with yourself and all your "good" friends is fantastic,....add to that you removing the people and numbers which contribute to your meth use was sooooo the right thing to do. Very mature and wise of you!! Now stop with that negative thinking you WILL relapse,....all that thinking accomplishes is that you have already given yourself permission to use again. For me, I used my 50th-b-day as my "marker" waffling around my quitting never helped a bit,....Use NYE as your marker, the start of your new and healthy lifestyle. People not addicted in my opinion may try to empathise, yet,...I truly believe meth addiction is something that only other heavy meth addicts understand. When others say and feel it is all in your head, sadly, they are right, only it isnt as simple as just switching our thoughts. It takes time and effort to "rewire" the brain. Yes meth damages the brain, but a healthy lifestyle along with a conscious effort to restart the natural way the brain works the "pleasure and reward" system. So here comes NYE! odds are meth will make itself available,.....to a majority of folks, you saying no is no big deal. With a lot of clean time behind me, last NYE was my first real test,..there it was in front of me,...being offered to me, it was a party and pretty much everyone else was doing it ,..I just blurted out "thanks, I appreciate the offer but no thanks" I swear, a few minutes later the fact I said no sunk in. I literally got a rush from it. You can as well,.....I'm 57 yrs old now,....been a party animal since I was 14-15. The one thing I know is meth,...addiction to it,...the people in the lifestyle, and the many who lead double lives. You are right there!! you're closer to recovery than you know! Compared to other addictions, the physical part of recovery takes very little. The big issue with meth is that it mind-fks the user. In very little time meth makes us dependant on it for any and every "good" and "pleasurable" thing in life. We unknowingly, unwittingly teach ourselves the lie that using a little meth will make it all better,...NO, it only makes us "feel" like it's all better, all the while making us more and more dependant on it. It sounds like you have several truly good friends, a blessing all it's own. use that as your foundation for a better life. You cant simply quit using and expect it all to be better. Eliminate as much negative "stuff" and focus on the positive. In the "normal" world, those good friendships would fill you up with gratitude and joy,....that "pathway" no longer works normal. Trust me when I say that it can be repaired or new pathways can be built to make it right. What seems to be a mind-boggling struggle to you now,....transforms into a tremendously great feeling of accomplishment and pride, just don't quit trying to quit. Take pride in your accomplishments,....You wrote about clean time, yet overshadow that with failures. Any period of time not using is an accomplishment. As another meth addict, I'm impressed and proud of your succeses as well as good decisions you've made. Every addict I've known has "slipped" , or relapsed,....several times before finally gettin it right. Those who made it used every mistake as a learning experience,....and every single "recovered" addict always keeps it real by knowing they are always just one use away from having to start all over. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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