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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: November 26, 2014, 12:56 PM
Hi all
I am seeking some advice please. I met and started dating a really great man. I didn't know about his previous addiction as it was still very early days. two weeks ago he relapsed on tramadol. he got help straight away and has been clean for 9 days. He is seeing a therapist to deal with the underlying issues. He has told me that he is messed up (which I understand) and that he needs to sort himself out to be the man he wants to be with me. The problem I am having is that he doesn't want me around until then, which really hurts. My question is how do I support him through this while respecting his wish? Or am I supporting him by respecting his wish? | ||
Posts: 562
Joined: August 3, 2009
Posted: November 26, 2014, 1:52 PM
Hey Now,
Sounds like you met a guy who is trying, I know, just knowing someone cares about me, weather I am living each day in the physicality of it all, or in the thoughts and prayers from a distance, it soooooo beneficial. I think honoring his wishes by creating LOVING SPACE( i call it that, when the space is created and maintain outta selfless love, as opposed to say) RESTRAINING ORDER SPACE, ( which well speaks for itself) and Living your life to the very fullest each and everyday can only bring about the VERY BEST. Keep sharing, Keep Loving, Keep Living... If its real, it will come back better than before... FACT:) Joe | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: November 26, 2014, 2:08 PM
Thank you so much Joe. :)
I am trying so hard to understand everything but haven't found a way to wrap my head around it yet. Maybe I'm not meant to understand but empathise and accept it and hope he does come back once he feels ready.... if its meant to be that is. Thank you again, really appreciate it. | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: November 28, 2014, 6:35 AM
I don't feel as though I am strong enough to get through this.
I feel like I'm loosing myself in in his fight and that I am to blame for his relapse. Like I did or said something that triggered his using again. he was very emotional while telling me about his very ugly break up and the things she used to do to him. he started using the next day. He has been clean for 11 days now. does it become easier or do you learn to deal? I admire everyone out there that stands by the one they love through any form of addiction. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: November 28, 2014, 8:35 AM
You will live with this ticking time-bomb for the rest of your relationship if you choose to continue staying with him.
I strongly advise you seek your local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (in the phone book or on-line) and attend a few of their meetings. The truth will become evident and you will be able to make an informed decision about what to do in your relationship. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: November 28, 2014, 5:34 PM
you are never responsible for an addict choosing to use, we make that decision ourselves- we may blame other people or situations- but it is WE who chose to use again and again and again until we have had enough- only we can make that decision- you cannot help this man -unless he decides HE wants to quit -he wont - just as if he decides to quit he will not relapse because of anything you do or say- addiction is a battle that is won or lost by each addict each day of our lives- WE alone are responsible for our relapse or recovery- make the decision that is right for you and not based on guilt or fear of this man relapsing- that is not in your gift to influence-
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Posted: November 30, 2014, 4:05 PM
Hi crusty,
I'm in the same situation as you are. I just recently found out about my boyfriend's addictions (heroin) and I had shared this earlier today on another topic but would like to share it here too. --------------------------------------------- I just found out 4 days ago about my boyfriend's 4 year heroin addiction. We actually traveled together to his hometown so I could finally meet his family and the day before Thanksgiving all hell broke loose when I caught him in the hotel bathroom at 6am snorting heroin. Prior to this horrible event, I had noticed some unusual behavior and could kind of tell about all the lies but because I am not one bit familiar with these kind of situations I actually convinced myself that I was overreacting and going insane when in reality I was right about every single thing. I will never forget that morning. I kept insisting him to tell me truth and explain to me what was going on and after a while he broke down crying and said I deserved to know the truth and deserved better. He had been a heroin addict since age 20 (he is now 24) but had been clean for months since he had moved out of his hometown and had been working and doing amazingly great, compared with how he had been. The relapse happened when he received a very generous commission for a job he did at work. Right after all the crying and fighting and started calling his family and telling them I had found out about everything and he really wanted help. He's mom and sister got to the hotel (so I can say I didn't meet them under the best circumstances) they decided to take him to the hospital for the time being, since they were waiting on a call from a Detox facility to make sure they had a bed open for him for that same day. We were at the hospital for about 2 hours or so and he was lucky enough to have a bed opening that same day. We took him to the facility and that's where our Thanksgiving trip ended...saying goodbye at a rehab/detox facility entrance. Today would've been his fourth day of detox and just last night his sister told me he would be leaving today. I have no idea how that was supposed to help. Again, I'm not familiar with these situations but in no way I would think that 3 days of detox is going to help a 4 year addict! He needs to get his insurance in order to enter a rehab program and knowing he will be out with nowhere to go until he can get this taken care of, scares the sh*t out of me. I live in a different country, where he was living with me, so I'm not there to help him right now. I haven't slept since all of this came up to my attention. I haven't been able to tell anyone close to me, since to my family he was a great, healthy, hardworking man. I don't have the guts to tell anyone about this. My family would never accept it. I have just been talking to his sister, whom I just met for that one day, and she's been the one giving me support. She finally told me that this would not be the first time he's gone through this and that he has been close to dying, which gives me no hope at all. I think I've been doing great in regards to giving him all the support he needs but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I really needed to find this kind of messages like the ones you guys have shared but they scare me so much! I know there are stories of success but there are so many of relapsing and us having to be strong and end everything that I really don't know how to feel about any of this. Please, if there's anyone here who can talk some words of wisdom and experience to me. I would greatly appreciate it. | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: December 3, 2014, 6:40 AM
Hi all
Thank you so much for the responses. I have been trying to comprehend all the feelings that have come about since I found out about his addiction. I have felt hurt, angry, sad, sympathetic and the list goes on. Its been a week since we have spoken, over 3 weeks since I've seen him and my main concern is how is he doing. I am trying to give him the space he asked for and its difficult. All I want to do is tell him everything will be ok, that I'm here for him and give him a hug. I'm not the kind of person to give up on anyone, this is the closest to giving up that I have ever felt. Feel like I am farting into the wind a lot of the time. Anyway, I'm trying to live my life without letting this affect me to much as I don't want to let his addiction control my life. I cant make him not use and I cant make him not want to use. The choice to live his life to the fullest, be the father his son deserves and be the man he knows he is inside is all up to him. only he can choose to take up the daily fight of keeping clean. thanks for the support and platform to vent. Crusty :) | ||
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Posted: December 4, 2014, 8:19 AM
Hi crusty,
You just put all my feelings into words. It's been a week since I found out and only six days since he got out of detox. This has been extra hard for me since I live in a different country and he doesn't have any family membersto stay with. He's been living at a hotel while looking.for an apartment and I'm 99.99% sure he's been using non-stop. Every day is a constant struggle making sure he's at least alive. I know he's been lying and i hate him so much for that,I'm new to all, and trying to understand but this is just crazy to me. To have a great life and an amazing relationship and give everything up for a f***ing drug. I wish you the best of luck in your situation. We gotta keep being as strong as possible. | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: December 8, 2014, 12:44 PM
Hello cyber world
It has been 4 weeks since I have last seen him and two weeks since we have last spoken. I am still not happy about the no talking, but its what he wants. I am starting to feel a little despondent now and am loosing interest as I feel like he is never going to want me in his life again. I really don't like this hanging on by a thread in the hope that things will change and that he will one day let me in. I have thus decided to move on with my life for now. I am not looking for a man, not sure I ever want to be involved with anyone again. I have had my fair share of horror relationships and dating him was taking a huge risk without the addiction issue. I am just not going to keep waiting around on the hope that he might call me. if its meant to be, it will be. otherwise, it wont be.... no one can change what the universe has already decided. I'll still come on here from time to time and will let you know if anything changes with him and I.... if anyone wants to read what I have to say. thank you and keep strong :) Crusty | ||
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: December 8, 2014, 4:56 PM
Hi good decision, addicts and i include myself are not good prospects for relationships, i am sorry to say- we dont think like other people- we are either chasing drugs/alcohol or chasing recovery-either way there is always going to be something in the way of a normal relationship- i truly hope you find true happiness, all the best Crusty
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: January 11, 2015, 4:53 AM
Hi
Its been a month since I was last on-line and almost two months since I last spoke to him. I have had a lot of time to think about everything. make no mistake, it still hurts that he lied to me by not telling me that he had a drug issue. What hurts most though is that he cut me out of his life because he was/is ashamed of his addiction. I could deal with the addiction, the recovery and the everyday battle to stay clean, everyone out there has issues and demons and I am no exception. mine is just of a different kind. I have intimacy issues because I was raped at 9 years old by a teacher and didn't tell a soul until I was in my 20's. I find it difficult to trust anyone never mind a man. I trusted my man with all my heart and he just ripped it out. I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust him again if he does decide to come back in my life as a friend as I cannot see myself being with him after how things ended, or the lack there of. If all this post does it let one addict know that cutting your loved ones out and lying to them does just as much damage as you the addict are doing to yourself by taking the drugs, then I have done my job. stay strong all supporters of your loved ones crusty | ||
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Posted: January 11, 2015, 6:01 AM
Not married but....Laying in bed with my daughters beautiful, intelligent , young mother. Can't sleep at all thinking about all the recent lies and deceit. Somehow after losing custody of our newborn, to excessive oxy use, her pain management dealer(doctor) prescribed even more(higher dose) pills ! Suspicious until I found out. Thought they stopped after her detox. Not nowing about withdrawals. She made choice to go on subs since no more scripts or any money. Helping her get through withdrawal to start subs next week. I want to support her but feel so betrayed because of actions since our daughter was born. ( 20 weeks). Putting aside all the theft lies and typical addict bs.from before baby. I Love her and want to give her a chance. If No honesty I am not going to be with her. Baby is in grandma's custody. Eventually probably mine. Is she quitting because she wants to or because no more scripts? To be a good Mom? Get back to a more stable, comfortable life with me? She is technically homeless but stays with her mom against cps order. I think I'm all screwed up enabling her again hoping we can try to be a family. I even may be sexually addicted , she is 20 plus years younger. I feel stupid and hopeless. Wasn't strong enough to not let her back in my life (or bed):after throwing her out Dec1. I need someone to hit me upside the head multiple times.
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: January 11, 2015, 5:41 PM
Hi Crusty- you have made some very hard decisions- i would be concerned by what you said "if he decides to come back into my life" - if you decide to resume contact with this guy, make sure it is on your terms-put some very strict boundaries in place - dont leave yourself open to being hurt again- we addicts are very good at manipulating people so please be wary of this- i can understand that you have issues with trust on account of what happned to you - it was very brave of you to post that- i hope it may help you in some way to disclose such a painfull event- i sincerely hope that you will be able to move on from this painful experience and perhaps in time find somebody in whom you can learn to trust and who will not betray your trust and with whom you may find some happiness-best of luck-
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Posts: 8
Joined: November 26, 2014
Posted: January 13, 2015, 12:08 PM
Thanks Traveling Man. :)
I will never be more than just friends with this guy again. I'm not sure I want him back in my life at all. If I do let him back in, there will most definitely be rules and boundaries and he will have to prove himself to me worthy of my forgiveness and friendship. I do know that no matter what I will never be able to trust him completely again and I will never be able to be more than just a friend to him. | ||
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