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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: February 25, 2012, 6:24 AM
So I'm new at all this and wondering if anyone has any good advice?? My husband just got back 3 days ago from 30 days of treatment(he was smoking heroin for almost 2 years and lying all the time) . Per my counselor and his(pretreatment), I told him he cannot stay back at home with me and our two small kids until he has has 6 months of sobriety. Also, I wanted to feel safe too.....he smoked with my 7 year old son in the car and pushed me hurting me on Christmas day. He accepted that and felt it was best for him too to stay at an SLE. I've been very supportive since this has all happened, even with him about to loose his job of 18 years(and our only income), even with his family not being supportive of me and our kids, and basically having my life pulled out from underneath me. While he was gone in treatment, I thought he would see the devastation he has caused our family and try to work at it/repair things(our relationship and his friends), as well as work at getting better. He did not try at all, he went up to a week of not talking to his two small kids, hardly talking to me. He did put all his energy into his new friends he made at the SLE he stayed with during his 3rd week(which is when he stopped trying with his family and good friends from home). Since he's been back he's been mean, distant and blaming me. I've been told and believe in..." hoping for the best, but to prepare for the worst and to do the best for me and my kids". This is soooo hard and I've been a mess and scared for him. I remember reading a post saying something like his actions are his own and only he can do better. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any good advice?
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Posted: February 25, 2012, 10:10 AM
Hello,
There are so many things going on when an addict gets out of rehab...they have to face life without the usual escape hatch of drugs, they are irritable and depressed without the drugs as they are used to feeling, they are dumped back into their lives without the usual routine of copping drugs and they get bored and irritable and don't know what to do with the time on their hands, etc. They may have detoxed physically, but the psychological cravings are tough. Thirty days rehab is a long time to us, but it is just the beginning of recovery for the addict. Without some kind of support, like a counselor or sober meetings, the addict is left with a sober body but not their mind. It is crucial that the addict have some kind of after-care to support them in the process of changing their thought patterns. It is rare for people to be able to do this through will-power alone. It is tough for the addict when they return home after rehab. The family has the huge expectation that they are "all better". The family cannot understand why the addict's personality is all over the map...sad one minute, hostile the next. Especially with opiate addiction, the brain has been robbed of its natural ability to make the chemicals to keep behavior stable and even. The more opiates that are used, the less the brain produces these chemicals on its own. Take away the heroin, and the brain is left with seriously depleted levels and the addict suffers from anxiety and depression. It takes quite a while for the brain to "heal" and recover from the abuse it has taken. Also, the family needs support and after-care too. Addiction is a family disease because everyone is affected by the drug use, not just the addict. It is difficult to know how to deal with a newly sober person as they are stuggling with recovery issues. It is difficult to deal with your own fears, anxieties, and stress after living through the damage that active addiction causes. Everyone is raw and needs to find a safe place to process what has happened in the past, and to chart a new course of action for the future. I would urge your man to get into some kind of support program or counseling, and you too. No one can force an addict to stay clean. Not the courts, not the family, nor friends. You should not be getting yourself tangled up in his recovery, nor should you be the one to suffer the behavioral outbursts when he is not doing well at the moment. Get some help so both of you can learn to manage this tough time right now, and not go crazy in the process. Keep posting, as there are many here who struggle with the same issues. | ||||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 25, 2012, 11:19 AM
Yes, this is often the case and very convenient for him not to be forced to accept responsibility for HIS actions. His family of origin is not supportive of you and your children because they have likely been busy his entire life enabling him and making excuses for his behavior and his addictions (if they have faced it at all)...so their agenda is to keep things as they are and continue giving him a free pass which will actually keep him sick.
I'm sorry you are scared, raising children is hard enough without this. Stop being scared for him and start figuring out what YOU and your children need. He is currently unable to provide that and to be honest, he does not sound ready at all to be done and move on. Please take care of you... Peace ~ MomNMore | ||||
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: February 26, 2012, 6:25 AM
Thank you Roberta and MomNMore for you replies. I feel they were both helpful. Roberta, I was told by my counselor and a few other people that the brain does need a long time to recover.I will read more on this, I think I saw some post too about it. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive. It is very hard to do when he can't accept responsibility for his actions. I feel like he is still in denial(Very Frustrating for me).
MomNMore, I swear everything you wrote, sounds like you got him EXACTLY right. What you said is very true. Sounds like you've been in a similar situation. I am seeing a counselor and trying to get to a meeting(hard to do with my kiddos). I'm sooo happy that I found this site, so many helpful people, Thank you both(I really appreciate it)! | ||||
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Posted: February 26, 2012, 7:04 PM
Hopeful -
It sounds like your partners addiction is still running the show. That's not to say that he is still using, however, that is to say that his addictive thinking may be at fault. You see, addicts have "a voice" in their heads. A voice that leads them to believe that they no longer love their spouses, children and families. The, "Hey, if your wife knew what you were doing, she wouldn't approve, would she"? The voice that wants them to continue on with the addiction. The voice that gives them every reason in the world to continue fail. To be less than responsible, be less than mature. To feel even lesser than they already do. The voice that isn't the real them. There's no making excuses for actions as a result of addiction. Love the man for who he is, for what he's meant to you and yours. But until he's ready to, read; commit, figure out the derivation of the problem, figure out why he feels so badly about himself, success may elude and the addictive thinking may persist. All the best | ||||
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: February 27, 2012, 2:33 AM
Thank you Chidon, that does sound a lot like him and our situation. It's so hard dealing with a Jeckel and Hyde(that's how it feels most of the time). Best I can do is day by day. And some days are better than others....so thank you! I look forward to reading posts & comments from this site, I walk away with sooo many ideas and thoughts(it's been very helpful).
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Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: February 27, 2012, 1:52 PM
Hopeful I understand where you are at all too well. The father of my baby is now 6 months clean and sober. The past 6 months has been a challenge. Learning to live with someone you love in recovery is difficult. The biggest challenge for me (as with many others) is learning to accept that the healing process takes time and things do not change quickly. I kept wanting him to become "normal" right now but his recovery is out of my control just as his using was. What I found to really help me to let go was to get more involved in Al-Anon. I got a sponsor, attended more meetings, got books to read and started putting the focus that was on his recovery onto mine.
This has also helped me being able to set boundaries with HIS family and to work on accepting that they too are also sick. I have not more control over their actions or illness than I do over his. Get the help you need for you and your children. If he is too emotionally unstable at this point maybe he should be in a sober living community until he is futher along in his recovery. I don't know where you live but a friend of mines son who is also recovering from heroin addiction is living in one. After he reaches his 6 month sobriety they also teach them how to be an addiction counselor for the KDEC (not sure how you spell it) program. Keep coming back. I found this site to be very very helpful;) | ||||
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Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: February 27, 2012, 1:53 PM
Chidon, I've heard P mention voices before in regards to debating with himself on what actions/behaviors to take. I didn't realize it was all part of the addicted brain. thanks for sharing that information;)
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: March 6, 2012, 3:08 AM
Well it's been a little over a week since my last post. It's been a roller coaster for sure. It's been about 10 days that he's been back from his stay(first treatment of 30 days). While he was there he was so excited about getting sober and couldn't wait to get back home to his family and being part of things sober. Because of his insurance, about halfway he got move to an SLE but remained for the classes during the day. This is when things changed for him. He stopped calling, was short when I called and really didn't make time for me(his wife) or his kids. He also started signing out of classes early(caught him lying about it) and going back to the SLE to do what he wanted. This was a change from how he was just a week or two before. He didn't tell me anything about the SLE or the people, anything. He kind of shut me out. I figured he was doing what he needed. Since he's been back in town and staying at an SLE closer to us(told him he had to be sober for 6 months to move home with me and our two small kids, per my counselor), he's still not being involved. I've been very supportive of his recovery and still there for him with everything he's done to our family. My counselor has pointed out to me that he's not just selfish, he's a narcissist and only cares about himself and I can't make this work for us. I've since gotten to my first Nar-anon meeting(which I was so glad I did), still doing counseling and got a few recommend books. Now, I just found out he's been in touch with a female from his first recovery. He texts her and she texts him all the time, last at night and first thing in the morning(and through out the day). He denies there's anyone and doesn't know I know about all the texts and some calls. I've been with him for 20 years and this just broke my heart and I don't know what to do. I was just starting to get strong and do what's best for me and my kids and now I feel broken down again. I wanted the best for him and us, now I don't even know the man I was with for 20 years. How do you get back up after something like this??
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 6, 2012, 11:29 AM
How do you know about the texts? This can only be through snooping into what is not yours either by checking his phone or his phone bill...neither is a healthy option. You shouldn't need confirmation of his behavior, it's obvious when things aren't right just as it is obvious when they are. Not sure how your therapist can diagnose him as a narcissist without having evaluated him, but here's a helpful link for you before you start tossing labels around. Narrcisim is a distinct and disturbing personality disorder, not just a casual label...it is essentially untreatable because no good narcissisit thinks they need any help...my grandmother and father were both narcissists, though my grandmother was much farther along the spectrum. The fact that your husband went to treatment means he probably is NOT a narcissist because he wouldn't need it (that's what a reall NPD would think.).
Read here about narcissism in couple relationships and then start taking care of you. This post has been edited by MomNMore on March 6, 2012, 11:30 AM -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||||
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: March 7, 2012, 6:35 AM
Hi MomNmore, the term was all new to me, I just thought he was being selfish for so long. We did do counseling together, it was that counselor that said it and brought it to light for me. He told me that I can't make the relationship work because all my husband was concerned with was himself. I'm still wanting and going to counseling, he is not. He's just staying at an SLE and taking some classes, no counseling. He thinks he's fine. I did find out about the texts by checking a bill.I guess I just wanted to get the truth. I did stop and have not check again because I realized I was just hurting myself and he would still lie no matter what. I was looking forward to his sobriety and him wanting to be a part of our family again, he was lying about that too. This is where I started to realize I have to make an effort to just do what is best for my kids and myself. It's just hard when he tries to sweet talk me over and over telling me this is what he wants, but his actions speak differently. I guess I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to move forward and try to feel better and stronger(especially when you're sooo hurt). I'm really happy to have started Nar-anon group and sticking with counseling. Any good ideas on how to make the hurt and betrayal feel better or hurt less??
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 7, 2012, 1:11 PM
Speaking from the other side of addiction (I am one, in recovery), when I got out of rehab, I wasn't instantly cured. Still had a lot of work to do on myself and sometimes that didn't include my family (husband and 3 children). We have to be a little selfish to be able to do the work that has to be done. I was still doing the blame game, it wasn't until months later with the help of my NA/AA groups and sponsor that I was able to let go of alot of that crap.
It takes what it takes and again, he's not going to be perfect just because he went to rehab. Give him some room, give yourself a break. You can't force this, you can't fix it. During this time, take care of yourself and your kids. Keep going to counseling, keep educating yourself about this disease. He'll either come back or he won't. It's up to him now. The sooner you start to accept that, the less the heartbreak will be. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: March 7, 2012, 11:18 PM
Thank you Cowgirl. I'm kind of getting there. I just had to stop believing in him and start believing in myself. I just try to ignore the lies,it's still very hard. That's the part I need to work on. We want to believe our addict, but actions still speak louder than words(he doesn't see that, but I do).
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 8, 2012, 1:57 PM
Here's the thing, how do you know he's lying? Don't be his keeper. Let him take that back. He gets to be accountable and responsible for his own crap now. Let him.
And sweetheart, he's not your addict, he's your husband. He's got enough to deal with without that label. Be good to yourself ok? You really deserve that. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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Posts: 10
Joined: February 18, 2012
Posted: March 9, 2012, 5:20 AM
Thank you Cowgirl :)
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