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Posted: January 27, 2016, 6:13 PM
Hello, my name is Michelle. I'm new here. I've joined privately closed Facebook groups as well as other support groups. They helped for a little while, but there were so many judgemental people on both sites, that I deleted both groups. I found this while searching for forums and message boards. I like this group, because not only does it list all the drugs and such, but also Families/Partners of Addicts, which I love. Have been searching for a group with all the above.
So, here's my story...I'm 32 years old. I met my boyfriend, Paul, about a year and a half ago. We've been dating since May of 2014. He's a former drug user of all kinds, almost every kind, honestly. His biggest problem was heroin. Being that he was recovered, I didn't think twice to give him a chance, as we all deserve chances, as well as change. Some people change and keep it that way. During our first few months of our relationship, things were great. He was so awesome to me and treated me like I've never been treated before. Shortly after January, things took a turn for the worse. He became distant, mean, hiding things, lying to me, acting weird, and strange. Had mood disorders, and his body language showed me more than just those things. He was physically different, losing weight, and appeared "different". I started to wonder, think things, and go through his stuff when he'd be at work. I've asked him a handful of times too and told him to just be honest and I wasn't going to be mad or wasn't going anywhere. I assured him that I was going to stay by his side. He denied things. This went on for about 4 months. I became depressed, had bad anxiety, and was constantly stressed and sad. I knew something was going on. He wasn't acting that way out of nowhere. He also started acting like I meant nothing to him. I knew something was definitely up. I was working during the time all of this happened, but was also sick too. It was awful, being sick, depressed, and dealing with everything on my plate, between the lying and bs. Finally, one day, when I was at my parents. I called him at work and told him that I wasn't coming back, until he told me what the real deal was. He was going to lose me either way, so he might as well be honest with me. Our love was at stake from that point. He finally confessed to me and the questions I asked him, had reasonable answers, that actually began to make sense. He relapsed on Heroin back in January 2014. It's now January 2016. He used the entire year, or almost. He decided to get clean in November 2015. He checked himself into a detox facility. Once he was out, he relapsed about 3 times. He's been sober since New Years Eve. He's been heroin-free, but there have been times where he's been high on his anxiety pills, because he was so depressed. Mind you, I must mention, he's also diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression, and has a Psychiatrist, who prescribes him depression and anxiety medication, as well as Suboxone, for his Heroin abuse. He's been on and off the Suboxone for about 3 years. He took it before he relapsed and took it in between his relapsing and non-relapsing. He's steadily taking it now though. He's been good about that. I get so worried that he'll relapse, because of how depressed he gets. But sometimes he finds a cheap and free way to get high - through his anxiety pills. Not all the time though. Basically the reason for my post is to share my story and talk to others who are going through similar or the same thing. As the girlfriend of an addict, it's been quite the road. I stayed with him the entire time and was by his side all throughout. I never once left, but did it kill my heart and soul, yes! It was awful. It saddened me to watch him deal with it every single day, for a year. Not only that, but I was his hard-core enabler and that tore me to pieces. Before him, I've never been with a drug addict in my life, nor have I ever touched drugs. Still until this day, I've never done drugs. I choose not to, it's not worth it. I don't know what goes through the mind of an addict though. On another note - my sister is an alcoholic, and I too, have provided her liquor. My parents have also enabled my sister. But just the fight to watch him go through this with guilt, ruined our relationship, trust, health, finances, and everything. It just ruined us and tore us apart. We're still together, but to go through it with your loving addict, was a nightmare. I never want to re-live that lifestyle again. It was easy to live it, because I was used to it, I got used to it, after a year. It was awful. I felt so guilty on my part. It's done and over now, but hope he stays sober. He attends sobriety meetings twice weekly, with his doctor, which is a good thing and he's glad he's sober. Since he's been sober, he's been back to how he was when I first met him, but he's also way more depressed. Some days are better than others, but he was using to deal with life's problems, and loved how it made him feel. He didn't realize that the drug may have taken away his problem in the moment, but created much more after it wore off. I try and be calm, for what he deals with. It's a struggle for him to stay sober on the hardest days of deep depression. For those who are dealing with it - I can't tell you how to feel or what to do, because I've never lived that life. For those who love addicts - I've lived that life, and for those who have enabled - I'm with you there too. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I love him so much though and we've been in this together since day one. He knows how much I love him too. If anyone needs anyone to talk to about this, especially a loved one of an addict, I'm here. I hope my story can help others, or at least you can feel where I've come from, or coming from. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: January 27, 2016, 8:48 PM
"Being that he was recovered, I didn't think twice to give him a chance"
An addict/alcoholic is never recovered. We get a "daily reprieve" if we work a proven program. I strongly suggest you attend the local Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings. If he commits to regular AA/NA meetings he will be alright. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: January 28, 2016, 8:10 AM
1) I told people in the post that I've never been with a drug addict before. I didn't know what to expect, so I gave him a chance. I believe we all deserve second chances, and some people actually do commit to being sober and stay sober for the rest of their lives (recovered addicts). Some are still in recovery, and some never recover, but I do believe in miracles.
2) I'm guessing you didn't read my entire post, because it was either too long, or you didn't want to take the time to read it....I had previously said..."He attends sobriety meetings twice weekly, with his doctor". I also attend the meetings with him. 3) Let me ask you, what are you recovering from? I'm guessing since you don't think recovered addict is a term, I'm going to ask you, what you're still recovering from? Everyone's different mind you. I have faith in him. You can't just think just because someone's sober, that they're not recovered. So, basically if someone is sober for 20 years, they're still in recovery? I don't think so, that's recovered after that many years long. Thank you. This post has been edited by mwhitney3483 on January 28, 2016, 8:11 AM | ||
Posts: 7
Joined: December 16, 2015
Posted: January 28, 2016, 3:42 PM
Hi michelle
I was in the same situation as yourself but much worse in the sense of him relapsing & majority of 4 years together in prison. I love my now ex (as from today) with everything I had but I got sick & tired of all the lies b/s & manipulation. I stuck by him when no one else wanted to know him especially his family. He even lived on the street in between prison sentences. I enabled him for nearly 4 years not realising what I was doing. Today I walked away for the final time. An addiction to heroin is probably the worst to recover from & even if they do recover, still takes a very long time to recover from the mental side of the use. As much as I always said I'd stick by him no matter what. I just couldn't take anymore. I have my own health & that of my 4 children to look out for. Hope you have more luck than I did with mine. People do recover & it is true what they say. No matter how long they been sober they will always be recovering addicts who can relapse at any point in there life. All the best Lynn 
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Posted: January 28, 2016, 4:32 PM
Thank you to lessons-learnt. I appreciate it. I'm sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience too. It's awful watching and doing for your loved ones addictions. You don't realize what you're actually doing, until you're so far in and realize it's too, taking over your own life and health. I was so sick from my own things going on, but the added drug stress definitely didn't help me. It worsened everything. It's still a work in progress, his sobriety, but I believe in him and he's doing good. I do agree, it's easy to fall off the wagon, especially with that stuff. He told me that it was the hardest drug to quit. It had a hold on him like no other drug he's ever abused.
You're right about the mental side of it, his mind is all messed up sometimes. He thinks so negative and sad sometimes, and he said that heroin and all drugs make anxiety and depression much worse, and it increases it. So, hopefully one of these days, he can come out of that and be alright. I try and be positive and say good things to him. He's also been suicidal at times too, as the drugs have caused that too. He was like that when he was an avid user. I've actually met recovered addicts, so I do believe there is in recovery and recovered. Some people actually never go back to their addiction. In fact, my boyfriend's sister's boyfriend is a RECOVERED Cocaine addict. He used crack and cocaine years ago, lost everything, got clean, met his sister, and never touched it since, that was over 8 years ago and he has no desire. He did it cold turkey too. He said the withdrawals definitely sucked, but had no intention of doing it again. Got him nothing and he lost everything in the process. Wasn't worth it. He didn't miss it either, he stays away from that type of stuff. He even has family and friends that do stuff like it, but he's motivated enough to stay away. I'm sorry about your experience. I said the same thing you did for so long and at times, often wondered what the two of us were doing with each other? I thought for sure we were over, after all the chaos and fighting. But, I stuck by and knew it was just the drugs talking and if he didn't get help, not sure what would have been today, but glad he did. We're still working through our problems and issues. We haven't fought like we used to in such a long time, it's been so nice to have him "here", coherent should I say. It's much easier to do things with him and have a normal conversation. Thank you so much! I appreciate it. I hope things get better for you and you have a great rest of your day. | ||
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Posts: 7
Joined: December 16, 2015
Posted: January 28, 2016, 6:27 PM
I hope everything continues to ho as it us for you both. We always will have faith in them when we love them like we do. My ex took my kindness for granted no doubt about it. I just got really fed up with the continued let down & how he turned everything to be me at fault. First time I had been in a relationship with an addict. I thought I could fix him but as they say they need to want to fix themselves.
I notice you have a home website so if you don't mind I could message you on there for a more private chat sometime.
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Posted: January 28, 2016, 6:38 PM
Thank you, you as well. I tried to communicate with you, but it doesn't allow. I tried to look you up on Facebook too and the link wouldn't work. I feel like you and I have been through similar. I too, was told everything was my fault at times too. Not anymore, since he's been sober. Not really a website, but I sell things on Ebay:) My own private collection. Things I no longer use, or are brand new that I can't use.
This post has been edited by moderator on January 28, 2016, 10:21 PM | ||
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Posted: January 30, 2016, 1:55 AM
So here's an update - as previously stated, my boyfriend's in recovery. He did some last night, but is back on a straight path again. He's not using today, he had the urge for 2 weeks and since his birthday to get high, so he told me he was craving it. His doctor has been giving him less Suboxone, because he's an a******. I can't stand his doctor, going to look for another soon. He operates very strange. But, he did it, because he's prescribed medication for pneumonia right now, and certain meds can react a certain way to what he's taking now, but he's been craving it and used last night. I was fine with it, maybe there's something wrong with me to be fine with it, but he acted "normal". It's only when he's using all the time that he spirals out of control and it only takes that one time to get hooked, trust and believe me, I know, but he was fine after one use. He doesn't have the money to buy anymore. But when he used a few times since detox, he only used here and there and was fine. Was back on his Subs and it was fine. No cravings, but for the past 2 weeks, he said the cravings have been intense and wanted to get high last night, so he did. Why am I not so pissed off? I was pissed off before, why not now? Was it because he was honest with me and told me face-to-face, rather than hiding it, or was it because I knew or possibly knew that it's a one time thing, or was it the fact that any other time he's done it occasionally, he's kept it at occasionally. He's only used 4x since he's been out of detox, November 5. That's not bad for an addict. Most can't use at all. Hope it doesn't turn back into that life. He loves the sober living, but also loves that high feel too. We'll see. I don't need any judgy people, so if that's what you're going to do, do yourself a favor and don't respond. Thanks in advance.
This post has been edited by mwhitney3483 on January 30, 2016, 10:07 AM | ||
Posts: 288
Joined: October 12, 2006
Posted: January 30, 2016, 10:31 AM
I am confused as to why you are posting if you don't want feedback.....or I guess you only want the feedback you want hear? You are kinda clueless honey...take it from an addict. You may THINK you know but you don't BECAUSE your not an addict and you are STILL enabling. YOU don't like HIS Dr so YOU are going to find HIM a new one? Thats HIS job...not YOURS. I know this is not what you want to hear but he has a pattern of relapse and this MOST likely will continue. I DO KNOW because I have the brain of an addict.
-------------------- JEN I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power,love and a sound mind.
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Posts: 35
Joined: January 1, 2016
Posted: January 30, 2016, 6:12 PM
I've been with an addict for 14 years now.... so I have to say I don't believe in recovery, honestly. You're always an addict. I feel like someone who's recovered from an injury is healed, injury gone, however, in addiction you're never NOT an addict, you are always an addict you're just either clean & sober or you're using, but you aren't really recovered because something in your brain is wired wrong and you always always will have to fight to stay clean. Maybe it's the time I've been with my fiance that has changed my views, he's always going to be an addict, that he won't ever recover from and at the drop of a hat, he can start using again in a moment of weakness, he'll never be recovered, he'll just manage his addiction a healthy way - not using, exercising, anti-depressants, or he won't manage it.
I'm curious how you're OK with him relapsing and using only so many times and say that's not bad? It sounds and I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like you are enabling him. You can't be OK and make excuses for relapses. Where is your relationship going? Are you going to have kids one day? What if that one time relapse takes his life? And you're left with kids and no husband? You may think it's not going to happen - however, it can, especially if he's continuously relapsing. If you're in this for the long haul, I highly suggest you evaluate your situation, where are you going with your relationship, what do you want from him in the future, and how his addiction plays into that. If you're constantly making excuses for him relapsing, then it's going to be OK for him to do so, he will have nothing to loose because you'll forgive and move on and he'll think it's ok. You have to learn, you cannot manage his addiction. You can be a support system, yes, but you can't make him not use. He needs to find a new doctor. He needs to make a choice to not take suboxone if it's bothering him. You said he's found ways to get high with anxiety medicine. If he's serious about his addiction and staying clean, that has to be his choice. It can't be because you want him to do these things, it must be because he wants to. Reality is that it is hard. It sucks being with an addict. But the sooner you are honest with yourself about the reality of addiction, the better. Again, I'm in no way trying to be mean, but you have to know that countless relapses aren't OK and making excuses isn't okay either. Go to meetings for yourself - not his meetings, but Nar-Anon for families of addicts. Or go see a therapist that deals with addiction, not for him but for you. I"m telling ya, I was in your shoes. I have lived that life. Excuses, reasoning out that "Well, he only relapsed so many times so it's OK." and it's so not OK. And you saying it's ok just gives him more reasons and excuses to keep relapsing and it will be ok with you. At some point you have to say enough is enough and decide where your breaking point is, what is enough for you? How many relapses will you be OK with? Where do you want this relationship to go? Do you want to go through this for the rest of your life because you very well could. Please don't get defensive. Many of us have seen more hell from addiction in our lifetime than most could dream of. So, sometimes we're hard asses about things, but it's because we've been in your shoes and it hasn't worked out well for us. I strongly suggest you see a therapist for you, someone who deals with addiction, or go to a nar-anon meeting, something for families of addicts. You can go to his meetings, but go to your own, really work your own program so you learn how to not enable him and make excuses for his relapses. Addiction is hard, you know this, we all know this, so take the time to focus on your role in his addiction and what you want it to be so you don't inadvertently enable him. Good luck to you both. -------------------- 14 Years with an addict... Click Here to Read My Story
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Posts: 35
Joined: January 1, 2016
Posted: January 30, 2016, 6:38 PM
I wanted to add, you said you are OK with him using occasionally, but not all the time. You have to understand, an addict cannot use socially and be OK. It wiall lead to more regular use. Once you understand that, you can move forward. Its tempting fate, classic addict line is that it was just one time, but part of addiction is lies and deception. It will lead to lies, deception, making you believe its just once and it will turn into more and more and it will destroy him and you. It is reality. Most of us have lived it. We aren't being judgmental, but we are being honest.
I have been in your shoes. I refuse to lie or sugar coat. I learned the hard way by having my life and entire world come crashing down around me. Please don't mistake honesty for judgment. -------------------- 14 Years with an addict... Click Here to Read My Story
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Posted: February 1, 2016, 4:11 AM
jjenakabc - First off, you're just plain rude. To tell me that I'm clueless, when you haven't lived in my shoes is just plain wrong. I too, haven't lived in your shoes, and I haven't said anything along those lines to you. Why? Because I don't have an addiction, so I can't speak for you. Just like you don't have a non-addiction and dealing with a loved one with addiction, so you can't speak for me. You can only speak for yourself and your addiction. You can tell people how it is, but you don't have to be all rude about it. You came off all wrong and makes me think you're a rude and judgemental person, just like everyone else I've met on groups and such.
Let me explain this to you, as I feel I need to, other people tend to understand, but let me break it down for you here...everyone deals with situations different, whether we're addicts, not addicts, or in love/love an addict. We don't specifically have to be an addict to know what addiction is like and what it does to oneself and others. We do have to be addicts to know what addiction feels like though. Like you can't sit up there and tell me that you know what addiction does to loved ones, because you have no clue! You're an addict, so you can't talk from my point of view, and I'm not an addict, just love one, so I can't talk from your point of view. We do things, the way we do them, for a reason. You may not agree with the reasons on why I'm doing things, just for the same reason that I may not agree with you, on why you do things. We all deal with situations different, how or why we go through them, how and why we can love an addict/addiction, why/how do we enable, why or how we haven't given up, how and why do we do it/deal with it, and etc. There are all kinds of questions addicts want to ask us, as well as us wanting to ask an addict questions. Like I said, nobody is in their right mind to judge the next person on why and how we do things. Opinions are fine, but you don't need to be rude and name calling about it, calling me clueless, do you seriously hear yourself right now and how rude and immature you sound saying that to someone? If I wanted to be rude, I could say something to you, just for being an addict, but I don't discriminate and I'm not judgemental against it or a person dealing with it, but you need to check yourself honey. Seriously. If I want to help him get a new doctor, because he wants one, I should feel like I can help him get him one, I don't need your permission on what I can and can't do. That's not your business. You must have come from a family of tough love, because that's what it sounds like. I know nothing about tough-love, never had it and will never do it. His family and I have our personal reasons why we don't like his doctor, and he too, doesn't like him. He's asked me a few times to look around for someone new. So tell me again on why I can't help him look for a new doctor? Look at yourself and think twice next time before posting such rude comments, and behavior, when YOU as the addict, don't know how I feel as the lover of an addict. | ||
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Posted: February 1, 2016, 4:40 AM
BeccaJoy - Hi and thank you for your input and words of advice. I must assure you that I'm not enabling him this time around. I've stopped that. I'm also not making excuses for him either. All I said was I didn't get mad and couldn't understand why. All of the other times he told me he used, I was pissed and angry. He and I have gotten into fights over this, because I told him that I'm not going down another road of ruin with him, with this. He knows and promised me it wouldn't happen. His father just passed and he's been finding a way to cope with the depression. He has never dealt with depression in a healthy/normal way. He's always self-medicated, which is why he used his anxiety pills last month, because he was clean off the heroin. A few days ago, was exactly a month after his father's passing, and he used to self-medicate his depression. I tell him, it only makes the issue worse. It's not good. I tell him to think of his sobriety and such. He's proud of it and then feels guilty after he does it. He cries and tells me how sorry he is. I know he wants to be sober, he tells me and he feels great when he is. He attends meetings 2x weekly with his doctor. I want to get him a new doctor too, he asked me to look around, because his doctor is really an a******. Suboxone works great for him, when he has it. Sometimes the way his doctor operates, something he won't even give him any, or call him back, and will leave him with nothing, causing cravings for him, and relapse. I need to find him a doctor that will actually look out for his well-being and be there, during his most desperate times - when he really needs to talk to his doctor, about mental depression, things he's going through, and substance abuse use. I've met his doctor quite a few times, and from the way he operates, I can see why he's depressed even when he leaves there, which doesn't help. This is why he see's him too, for depression, anxiety, and substance abuse use. Yet, he seems to come out with more depression and anxiety than when he went in. It's not right. I also understand that the saying "relapse is part of recovery", is somewhat okay, for the first couple of times. Sometimes, I began to think it's a choice afterwards, because that's always an excuse to use, like you mentioned. I had someone else tell me that, it's all dependent on your brain wiring, when you're an addict, it does something to your brain, so I can't really say either or. I don't drive, so hard for me to get around, which is why I'm always trying to find support groups and message forums online. I belong to 3 of them. 1 on Facebook, which are really sweet and non-judgy people, here (I was starting to think different for a few minutes, from a previous post), and another one that barely does anything for me, but I keep in contact with the members. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we're not married. We've been dating, almost 2 years, this coming May. Things are picking up now, but going to take a bit. Change never happens immediately. I wish it would, trust and believe. I see a therapist, since he went into detox. It's great, because not only is she my regular therapist, she's also a substance abuse therapist at another facility, and also has addiction in her family, so it works out great. I love seeing her, she's very calm and never asked me once why I haven't left. That's a good thing. She never told me to leave, unless it was too much for me to handle and how much I was willing to take, when you realize you just can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped - which I know. He told me he wanted help and we checked him into detox. He told me that he wants to stay sober and loving that he's sober. I love it too. His sister told him a scary story, that she read in the paper a few days ago, and with tears streaming down his face, he said to me "that could've been me, dad would be so proud that it wasn't me". He bawled when he heard that. I'm glad his sister told him that and glad he thinks of his father often, especially when his father's dying wish was for him to promise to stay away from heroin. That's why I don't enable him anymore, it's easy to say no now, because his father made a dying wish. Pretty sad, that that's what it took. I've always been an enabler in my family, because my parents were enablers to my sister, who is an alcoholic. I've never had tough-love either, and never knew what non-enabling was. Still until this very day, I enable my sister. I do to my boyfriend too, but I'm not giving him money now, like I was previously, but I still do enable sometimes. If they don't want to be helped, I can't help them and if they want to use, they will. Regardless if I say no or not. They're still going to do whatever. But, I'm not okay with him using. I've told him so many times that I refuse to go down this road ever again with him and he knows. The last time he used, not the recent one, but before that, I got into a huge fight with him and was pretty damn stern, more than I've ever been, this entire relationship. I think it's because I've been through so much with him already, that I refuse to have my life shattered all over again, and he's done so good with his sobriety. It's just over the weekend that he did it Friday night and I wasn't mad. I didn't give him any money for it. He bought it himself, but I really don't know why I wasn't, when all the other times I was. Plus the big blow out the month before. So, not sure why I wasn't mad. I'm wondering if it's because he came home and told me face-to-face that he was thinking about getting high all week and it's still there and wanted to get something. I didn't say anything at all, so weird of me. What's wrong with me? I've never been so calm before, except when we first were going through it. But, thank you.
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Posted: February 1, 2016, 1:20 PM
jjenakabc - this is for you...check it out...rather yet, anyone who has ever judged or doesn't seem to know what I'm talking about, or for the sake, of anyone else who has ever loved an addict, yet never did the drug themselves. We're just as much as addicts to our loved ones, than we are, in actuality.
http://www.wcsh6.com/story/life/201...ddict/74205324/ This post has been edited by mwhitney3483 on February 1, 2016, 5:58 PM | ||
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Posts: 288
Joined: October 12, 2006
Posted: February 2, 2016, 12:34 AM
Michelle I know exactly how it feels to love an addict. I was raised by a very mean drunk. I had 3 kids with a man who was trying to stay clean and sober. I loved them both to death and tried to fix them.I stayed with him "because he cried...he was sorry...he really wanted to be sober...blah blah blah. I did this for 15 DAMN YEARS. I KNOW both sides of the coin unfortunately. I abused alcohol when I was young but once the boyfriend introduced me to crack it was all over. I started at 25 yrs old. I am now 50.My life is at LEAST HALF OVER! For 25 f***in years Ive been battling this...ARE YOU READY FOR THAT? I have used 4 times in the last 10 months. Not bad for me considering there was a time I couldn't have $10 in my pocket without running out the door. I wonder though, will the next time I go to buy will I get busted and go to jail, leaving my kids without a mother? Will I have another seizure and not come out of it this time? In fact I have been struggling all week with wanting to get high. Its pure hell fighting with yourself on a daily basis. Your boyfriends "little problem" is not going away. I take back what I said about you being clueless after rereading your posts...you KNOW EXACTLY what you are doing. You are an enabler and in this world we call that CODEPENDENT.Just like a drug addict you are doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...been 2 yrs for you right? You are just as sick as your boyfriend unfortunately. HE IS YOUR DRUG and EVERY TIME you analyze his behavior, or post "your story" or "help him" or talk about him....YOU ARE GETTING YOUR FIX ....NO DIFFERENT THEN PUTTING A NEEDLE IN YOUR ARM. Just like him YOU ARE IN DENIAL. Just like him YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH. Just like him YOU WANT TO BE AROUND OTHERS LIKE YOU( thus deleting groups that aren't sweet enough or to judgmental).Your therapist knows this. That is why she hasn't told you to leave him because she knows you will walk out and never come back, then she won't be able to help you at all. Just like him YOU MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR (sounds like for about 2 years now). The reason we do these things is because something is missing in our OWN lives. If we focus on something outside ourselves then we don't have to deal with our OWN crap. You KNOW you are ADDICTED to him and the drama but you continue your behavior and keep relapsing right along with your boyfriend. Unfortunately the two of you together in this dance are the perfect storm. If I were you I would be going to my own meetings about my own issues. How can you expect your boyfriend to put his sobriety first when you refuse to do the same? I will not bother you anymore because we both know..just like an addict...no one can help you unless you want it.
This post has been edited by jjenakabc on February 2, 2016, 12:40 AM -------------------- JEN I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power,love and a sound mind.
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Posted: February 2, 2016, 8:04 AM
jjenakabc - You are the most judgementalist person I've ever met on a message board, let me just tell you that! I've never met anyone so low. Let me explain why...if I was able to, I would've called you and told you, just because you make me so mad, because that's all BS what you just said! It just makes me so mad, but not going to stoop to your low level. You clearly have a lot of insecurities. Just because you had a bad life, don't take it out on me. Also, we both have dealt with similar things, but you've never lived my life or my boyfriends. You only have lived your own, with drug addiction and loving addicts. It could be the same thing, but different situations, yet you're telling me that mine and my boyfriend's is the same as yours.
If you went back and listened to yourself and read your own posts, you'd realize, wow "I'm rude", but if you don't, there's something wrong with you. Seems to be so much wrong with me, in your eyes. Stop comparing me to you and your life. We're not the same. You saying "Are you ready for that", really? I don't have an addiction, and I'm not an enabler anymore. I used to be and I felt very guilty about that. I was the first to admit that I was an enabler for many months, gosh, for an entire year. I never not admitted to that. My boyfriend also was an addict. We both knew what we were doing and were truthful about it. So I don't know what you're talking about, you're just mad, so you want to rant and rage on me, you're literally a low person who has nothing better to do than rant and rave on someone else, because it sounds good! I'm not in denial about anything. If you even read my post, it was BEFORE! I did all this before and so didn't he and neither one of us are in denial about anything. Get your damn facts straight before you go pointing the finger. How dare you even talk s*** about us, when you, yourself clearly has a lot of issues and very judgemental, but low and insecure, to talk so much bs about someone else, that you don't even know. And all the stuff you're saying is a lie! It's complete BS, it's not even true, you sound real funny! Also, when I was enabling, I didn't care if anyone else was an enabler - another thing you got wrong, you said I didn't want to be around others like me, nope you're wrong, I didn't care at the time. I didn't care at the time about anything that was going on. Now, it's a different story, but you don't know my story, only your own. You never LIVED in my shoes, only your own, and you never lived in HIS shoes, only your own and the people you loved and put up with. You can see stories from both sides, but from your own shoes. Then you're asking me about how do I expect for my boyfriend to put his sobriety first when I'm enabling. I'm not, I used to, and he got sober. He's only relapsed a couple of times, because his father passed away and couldn't deal with the emotions. When I found out, I was pissed the first time. But, wasn't the second time, that's not enabling. I just didn't say anything. I didn't purchase it, I didn't give him money, or anything like that, so how the hell am i enabling him? Tell me? Because I didn't get mad? That's not enabling. Omg, you're an idiot. And once again, you're wrong, not 2 years. I've been with him almost 2 years, and only dealt with his addiction for 1 year. By the way, I do see a therapist and such, but she doesn't tell me, and if she did, NO I wouldn't walk out the door. I'm old enough to handle real life situations, so you're wrong again there, just passing judgement on s*** you obviously know nothing about. At least I don't have to deal with this on the other groups I'm involved in. Clearly you are just upset in life. This post has been edited by moderator on February 2, 2016, 11:09 PM | ||
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Posted: February 2, 2016, 8:12 AM
This is from a Facebook Group that I joined recently, and this was my post. I wanted to update it here, but wouldn't allow me to, so here you go...there should definitely be a way to delete posts and update them. That's annoying about this message board. Here's my full story, especially for those who are so judgemental, that obviously know nothing about anyone else's experiences, only their own.
Hello, my name is Michelle. I am 32 years old and from Massachusetts. I have joined so many groups before and they have all been so judgemental. I have decided to leave all of them, but then I received a message from one of your ADMIN'S, who invited me. She seems really sweet and that's why I joined here. I am willing to give one more try to see how this group is, if I experience the same here as I have everywhere else, I am no longer going to join groups. Thank you all for the acceptance though, I surely hope that it is not like any other group, who has also mentioned that they are not judgemental people too. I met my boyfriend in May 2014. When we were talking, he told me that he was a recovered drug addict, of almost every single kind of drug on the planet, but Heroin being the biggest one to overcome, and has relapsed two times, until he finally got clean. I have never been with a drug addict in my life, let alone, really had friends that did drugs. I have never touched a drug in my lifetime either. I really liked him and he was good to me, treated me nice, and with respect. He made me so happy and was so happy to be a part of his world, and vice versa. I gave him a chance, because he was "recovered" and everyone deserves a chance. Everyone says "never to fall for an addict, because you never know if they are going to slip up or not". I decided to give him a chance. Am I supposed to miss the chance at love, because he was the one in ten that stayed clean? We both deserved each other. During our first few months of our relationship, things were great. He was so awesome to me and treated me like I've never been treated before. Shortly after January 2015, things took a turn for the worse. He became distant, mean, hiding things, lying to me, acting weird, moody, and strange. His body language showed me more than just those things. He was physically different, losing weight, and appeared "odd". I started to wonder, think things and go through his stuff when he would be at work. I never thought I would ever have to do this, and knew that the trust in my relationship was getting out of hand. I would have to ask him a handful of times and asked him to just be honest with me about what was going on. I assured him I would be here and would not be mad. He denied things, as I knew he would. This went on for about 4 months. I became depressed, had bad anxiety, constantly sad, and very stressed out. I knew something was going on. He was not acting that way out of nowhere. He also started acting like I meant nothing to him. I knew something was definitely up. I told him that I was not stupid and not to act like I was. I told him flat out that I knew he had an opiate problem. He denied it once again, and I started to be more suspicious, counting his medication and such. Nothing showed up. He was a good sneak. I was working while all of this was happening, but it was hard to. I was really sick to my stomach and depressed a majority of the time. One day, when I was home from work, he called me and I told him that if he did not tell me what was going on for his irrational behavior, that I was going to leave. At that point, he was risking to lose me one way or another, so that is when he finally told me what was going on, after my final question. I asked him a few other questions, and then, everything made sense. The drug use started in January 2014, right when I started noticing a chance in his behavior. Not only did I deal with his heroin addiction, I also was dealing with my sister's alcoholism. We lived right next door to my sister and her boyfriend, and she always asked me for booze. My family and I are enablers to my sister, and always have been. I never knew anything else, because I always saw my parents give in to her. She also had a problem with pills, not opiates or anything, but prescription headache pills, and would steal mine, when she ran out. I would have to hide them and everything. It was awful. I was super-depressed, because I was dealing with everything all at once. Also, I knew it was only a matter of time, before I was going to enable him too. He has seen me do it for my sister countless times, and sure enough, that happened with him too. So, I was enabling both my sister's alcoholism (giving her alcohol, not buying it), and actually giving my man money to buy his drugs. It was an awful road to go down.....because I did it for months and months. I wiped out my bank accounts, caused myself some major debt, and literally made myself so broke, got so sick, that I have not worked, and ended up having to see a therapist, who prescribes me anxiety pills now. I do not abuse anything, and he has not taken them either. It is nice to talk to someone, whenever needed and it is nice to have anxiety pills, in case I feel a panic attack coming on, which has happened during the drug use. By the way, just so everyone is aware, the enabling part of me, made me feel extremely guilty and I was so mad at myself, but over time, it became "a normal part of my everyday life", because I was so used to living that way for so long. It was nothing normal though, please note that. I felt guilty all the time, it ate me up inside. I did not know how to stop or say no, because it was all I ever knew, growing up. Until this day, I am still an enabler for my sister, and anyone else for that matter. However, I have no given him any money to buy anything, I have been good about that, so far. I hope it stays that way. Only time will tell. It's now January 2016. He used the entire year. He decided to get clean in November 2015. He checked himself into a detox facility. Once he was out, he relapsed about 3 times. The only reason for relapse, was because his doctor decided that he was not going to see him for a few days and wanted him to withdraw a bit longer, which was not fair at all. Most people get Suboxone or Methadone from the time they come out of detox, and his doctor did not help him until about two weeks later, which was not fair, and caused him severe depression and cravings for the drug. So he used a few times until he finally saw his doctor, and the doctor prescribed him his Suboxone. He has never abused his Suboxone and takes it on a normal basis, has been for three years now, besides the relapse in January. He also suffers from Major Clinical Depression and Anxiety, along with his Substance Abuse. He takes medication every single day for all three. So, since about November 12, he has been clean. He also had a really hard time getting back to work, as he had to fill out all this paper work, and his doctor would not do it for him. His doctor was definitely strange and operated in ways, that were not normal. His whole family and I cannot stand his doctor, not only is he rude, but he does not seem to care much for his patients, just by how I have seen him act and such. That is another story. So he was struggling with finding work at this point and had some odd jobs here and there with friends, on the side. During late November, early December, I became sick with Asthmatic Bronchitis, and anything that would make me upset, would trigger anything. It was awful and I felt horrible. His father passed away on December 12, which was very devastating to all of us. He did not know how to deal with it, yet he did, but really struggled. He became very depressed and suicidal. His life was going down hill and cried daily, all day, and went into a downward spiral. He could not take the pain. He has never dealt with real-life issues how non-addicts do. He has always self-medicated himself to feel good and forget about his problems and worries, not realizing, that it was creating more problems. On December 23, there was a Christmas party at his complex, and even though he did not get any heroin, he abused his prescribed anxiety pills, which is another thing he has never abused before. He did it because it was cheap, and did not have anything else to do, and downed a few drinks. This caused a little fight between us and some tears. Later on that night, we set a candle vigil in the house in remembrance for his father. The 12 days before Christmas, is tradition with him and I to decorate and such. So, after we had talked a bit about why, he told me he was super depressed and needed to take away the emotions at the moment, and did not want to feel the pain, or guilt. His fathers dying wish was to stay away from the heroin. My boyfriend made a promise to his father, that he would.... On New Years Eve, he was still very depressed and suicidal. His anxiety was going through the roof, and I did not know what to do, it was so painful to watch him deal with this. I tried to remain positive for the both of us, and I did not want to get sick even more. He finally decided he needed to get high to erase all the pain. He bought something and did it on New Years Eve, and felt so ashamed afterwards, because of the vow he made to his father before he passed. He cried for hours afterwards. He told me he messed up after doing so good. I told him that he can get back there, with willingness and strength. I told him it was okay that he messed up, it is not okay, if he continues to mess up. He knew what he did was wrong. He has been so much happier and a much better person, since he has been sober. He also found a job, and has been working there steadily. He has been a little better with his money, not blowing it on drugs. However, around January 23, he abused his Anxiety pills once again, for about a week, because it was a cheap high and he was worried about how he was going to pay rent and bills. He told me that he blew some money on lottery tickets, and that has been a thing I have personally seen in recent weeks, since he has been receiving a paycheck. Not sure if it is just something to fill the other void with, or what, but he has never really been that good with money, over the past year or two, since the drugs started. Mind you, I said year or two. Prior to meeting him, his wife filed for divorce, he caught her in bed with another man, and that is when the drugs picked up the second time around, before getting clean and meeting me. Since January 23, he has not abused his anxiety pills, and since New Years Eve, he has not abused Heroin. Today is now January 31, 2016. His birthday just passed on January 26, 2016, and he has been sick with Pneumonia. He never gets sick and has never been sick since he has been with me, but he has always used drugs too. But, you would think that would worsen the immune system later, when clean, possibly. Anyways, he came home from work and sat down with me, face-to-face, and said he wanted to get high. He told me that he was thinking about it for almost 2 weeks now, and has been craving it. Once again, his doctor gave him less of a prescription, due to his pneumonia medication. I told him that it was not a good idea, especially since he was sick. He told me again, he really wanted to get something, so he did. Since then, he has not used. It could be possibly due to being broke. He was sick and out of work all week, with the exception of one day, which was enough to get something. I personally think that because he just had it Friday night, that if he had money right now, he might pick something up. I am almost positive that would be the case. On another note, he has been attending meetings twice weekly, with his doctor, to stay sober. It helps. I attend the ones that I am allowed to attend, but if he still wants to use, he will. The temptation of the drug is still there, on occasion, he says. Over time, it gets easier. He tried to go without Suboxone one day, and it did not work, he immediately craved it and wanted it more than anything. When his doctor did not give him his Suboxone at first, from getting out of detox, he withdrew from both and it was awful, so he had to get something, to feel better. Awful what this type of drug will do to someone's life. My sister has tried to get clean on her own, does not want help. She did get clean for about a month and relapsed, this has happened almost 10 times now. She is back to a full-blown alcoholic now. She tells me all the time, the temptation is hard, and my man can relate, and vice versa, because they both are addicts and have addictive personalities. Now, let me explain about how his doctor is. His doctor is rude and just weird. He operates strange. He does not often fill the right amount of prescriptions, and the reason I cannot get him a new doctor, is because he is the only doctor that will prescribe what he needs, a lot of doctors out here, will not prescribe Suboxone with Anti-Depressants and Anxiety medication. But his doctor is so rude...never calls him back, my man will have to leave about 5 messages, and the doctor still never calls back, calls him at midnight to talk (he has to get up at 5am for work), and charges him for every single talk or visit, never asks how he is doing, and asks for money when he sees him, yells at my boyfriend, and just overall, not a good guy. Sometimes he will not prescribe his medication for more than two days, and wants to see him for more money, just absolutely chaos! His family and I cannot stand him. I am going to try and look for a new doctor that operates on normal business hours and can prescribe all three medications to him. I swear his doctor is just in it for the money. He never asks how he is feeling. I hate that. I feel my man is more depressed and suicidal after he leaves there, does not seem to be helping him much. No doctor should treat his patients that way. So, we're now in February 2016, we shall see where that road leads us. We can only think positive, but I cannot help to wonder "what if" or "will he relapse", because I have seen it and such. When he was using, the fights we would have, were the most craziest I have ever seen myself. It was awful. There have been many of those, but since he stopped in November, with a few relapses, I think we have had about 2 major fights, nothing that serious. We can only hope for our loved ones. I did tell him that I was never going down this road to hell again though. I told him that if he uses, to be honest with me, but am not going to go down the same road as before. He swore he never would put me through that again. Only time will tell... Just remember, just because we have all been in the same boat, we all deal with things different than the next person. God Bless you all:) Thank you! | ||
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Posted: February 10, 2016, 1:17 PM
My latest update - So he's been clean for a little bit now, since the last time I posted. However, meant to mention before, that ever since he went into detox, I have Heroin Dreams. I have dreams about him and I both using (I've never used, nor do I have the desire to ever), he and I trying to get a fix, but it never actually happens, and him going out to new dealers and trying to get something (some are successful, while others aren't). Also, the dealers in the dream aren't people I've ever met in real life, which is a good thing. Also, his attitude is just like how he was, when he was using - mean and irritable, like he didn't care (was also like this in the dream). Weird, because nowadays, I'm getting them frequently, almost 3x a week. I've told others who are former addicts, and loved ones of addicts, and they say it's pretty normal, based on the fact that I dealt with it for a year, and I always wonder if he's going to relapse, so I'm wondering if this is quite normal, since it's always on my mind....
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Posts: 96
Joined: November 13, 2015
Posted: February 10, 2016, 5:40 PM
I will pray for you both. Sometimes people may come across as harsh, but that's just because they want to spare you some pain. Loving an addict is a very hard road to follow. My daughter is a heroin addict and everything I was told about the disease has happened. It won't stop until it takes everything. Good luck to you!
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Posted: February 11, 2016, 7:35 AM
Thank you so much. Luckily for the past 2 nights, I had normal relaxed dreams, that calmed me. It was nice. Thanks again.
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