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Posted: December 22, 2011, 6:06 PM
Hi my name is Jessica, i'm 23 years old and my mother found this place for me. I have been addicted to Heroin for about 8 months now. I started using right after I had my youngest son in April. I have another son that is truing 2 the day after X-mass. The reason why I started to use was I think to make my babys father stay with me. When I was 7 months pregnant he cheated on me and basically left me for a girl who has been on Heroin for 6 years. He started to use on a every day basics. Even though we were not together he still was around cause he was paying the rent at the time. He really messed my world up. Turned it up side down and all around. It made it worse that he was coming around and bringing this girl with him. She would wait outside for him while he was in the house. Everytime I seen him I would bag please dont leave I promise I wont nag anymore. (Thats the reason why he said he cheated cause I was a B**** to much) All I wanted was him back, they way we were. We had our own house, he had a good job and we were raising my 1 year old son, (Which is not his but thats the only daddy he knows)and about to bring another little boy into the world. I was turly the happiest girl in the world with this man. He was my everything and at one point I was his everything. I knew though as soon as I had the baby he would want to be back with me because I would be able to have fun with him again. Not doing Heroin but we used to drink and smoke weed together. Thats the reason why I think he left because we couldnt hang the way we use to!!! But any way the month April comes around and I have my son on the 24th. He came to the hospital and one of the days he was there He looked at me and said he was ready to come home. I was happy but also getting to the point where I was used to the fact that he found someone who made him happy. I even changed the locks to the apartment and all. I was done!!!! But when I heard those words I couldnt help but say ok. So when I finally go home and he comes back we had a little get together and just drank a little bit. He didn't seem happy though and I guess I was scared that he was going to go back to the other girl so I got high with him. (Snorted not Shoot not that one is better then the other just want to say wich way I did it) We got high every day. I hated waken up sick!!! Not to mention he lost his job from stealing while I was still prgo so we didnt have that much money. So he would do whatever he had to do to get money so we could get our fix for the day. It got so bad that I got to the point where I started stealing. I stole from my friends, but what really fu**s me up I stole from my own mom. The only person who really love me other then my babys. It started getting bad. We stopped paying rent so we were getting kicked out. The electric got shut off and all. Well when the electric got shut off I couldnt keep my kids in the environment so my mom let us move in with her. Well the day I leave my house what does my kids father do??? He brings that girl to the house and has been seeing her ever since. Since staying at my moms I got clean or whatever but I have started doing it again. I feel like he deserted me all over again and it tares me up. I loved that man with everything and when I use Heroin I forget about all my problems. Its not like he has anything to offer any more. He dont have anywhere to go. They were sleeping on the street. (HE is in jail right now) I just wish we could be the way we use to be. I know that will never happen. We are not good together by far. But the real reason why I am writing this is because I needed to get tis stuff out and I am ready get clean. I have even went far enough to take back a x-mass present that was for my kid to get the money for drugs. I am tired of living this way and i am ready to live the life I was before this drug came into my life. My mom has decided to give me another chance and is going to help me through this and I thank her with all my heart. I have not done anything in 3 days. I am not using anything to help me through it I am doing it cold Turkey. I am tired waking up sick and wondering how ima get money today so I can get off sick instaed of waking up and being able to play with boys the way i should. Im tired of seeing my mother cry cause she is worried about her little girl. I am tired of conning my family out of money to buy drugs. I am tired of it all!!! I just really want to get throught this and start living life to the fullest. Well thatnk u for reading my story.
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: December 23, 2011, 1:20 PM
First of all, welcome to the board..so glad you're here.
Honey, men just aren't worth it. Especially men who choose drugs over thier kids and women. You can use him as an excuse to use all you want, it comes down to this. You and only you, have the power to stop using. It's not about him, it's about you. You are powerless over this disease but you can do something about it. Good for you on your 3 days clean. Every day will get a little better. Use now? You start all over again. Don't go there. I couldn't do this without the help of others. People who knew what I was going through and took my hand and suggested the hard work that I had to do to stay clean. The 12 step program through NA is free and there are meetings everywhere. Be a good idea for you to stick to women's meetings for right now though..I think you're a little vulnerable when it comes to men. Not to say there aren't some really great guys in NA..you just don't need that right now, you need other women. You are very lucky to have the love and support of your mom but just how much more do you want to put on her? This is ruining her life as well. Time for action. If possible, don't have anything to do with the guy. If he's not clean, he's not welcome. Get it? Keep this about you for a change and what you have to do to live a clean and sober life for yourself and your kids. You all deserve that. You are worth that. I hope you keep posting... Cowgirl This post has been edited by cowgirl on December 23, 2011, 1:22 PM -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posted: December 23, 2011, 1:41 PM
Thank u for responding. I really aint using him as a excuses no more. I am a grown women and made this choice and now I am making the choice to get clean and stay clean. ur right when u say it is ruinning my moms life to and I hate that. I love her so much and I dont want to put her through this any more. I am 4 days clean I am feeling better then ever. I am going to start going to meetings soon. Thank u for ur words. I will keep posting
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Posted: December 26, 2011, 10:23 AM
Sometimes drugs isn’t the problem, there is a deeper insecurity of issue, we might think it at the time, and I heard a lot of I wish this and if only that, and I truly do empathise with you, but let’s look at the facts,
You have been using for 8 months and as CG said any man?????? Who would choose drugs over his own family isn’t worth s***; we can’t solve our problems over night we must take baby steps to start with, if looking into the loving eyes of your kids isn’t enough , I don’t know what else to say Love and peace to you and yours BOB | ||
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