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My Current "watered Down" State


Posts: 6
Joined: December 30, 2013


Posted: December 30, 2013, 6:00 PM
Hi there, I am new to this forum but decided to join because I am tired of this problem I have been dealing with for the past five years. My problem began when I was 22 years old and it got progressively worse, then better, to a lot better but I am in fear that it's going to get worse again. My problems began when I met a man who was about 25 at the time who had a terrible drinking problem. He would drink about a liter of Nikolai vodka with water on a daily basis. For some reason or another, my young self thought that I was in love with this man. I began to call in sick to work, he and I would break up every five or six months and the worst was when we were involved in a nearly fatal car accident while he was intoxicated behind the wheel of my car. As a result of this accident that I don't remember due to my being black out drunk, I broke three vertebrae in my neck, not paralyzed thankfully, incurred about $40000 in medical debt, and completely lost my car. Ever since this accident, I have been faced with nothing but problems with debt collectors garnishing 25% of my $1400/month paychecks, to losing my apartment and having to move in with my grandmother. I stopped going to college for awhile too and after he and I broke up due to my cheating on him while black out drunk, I decided that I needed to go out and drink more to ease my pain. After he and I broke up, my drinking got a lot worse for the past two years. I nearly lost my job I was employed at for six years, although I justified in my mind that it was a worthless $11/hour job, and have lost a lot of respect from people due to my obnoxious behavior. I gained about 20 pounds on top of all this although I have lost about 10 of those pounds so far.

Now, about five months ago, I met the man that I am currently dating. He is a little younger than me and does not drink. He made me promise him that I would not get drunk ever again because our first encounter involved my getting drunk in front of him. Since that time, I have only been drunk once before last night. I've noticed a significant improvement in my life since I decided to give up getting drunk for him. I have a great job, can afford to buy nice things, almost have my car paid off and a little bit of my dignity has been restored. I have all A's and B's since I began my bachelors degree in business a few months ago and things have been great for the most part.

I've noticed though in these past few weeks I went from telling myself no drinks at all since I got drunk at my boyfriends company party, to doing so in moderation to last night, when I had one glass of wine, three jack and cokes, two beers and one of those margaritaville drinks. I've been thinking a lot about drinking and all the "good times" that I had with friends. These friends have been nowhere to be found since I began seeing my boyfriend. I don't make a point to see them nor do they make a point to see me. My boyfriend almost dumped me because of last night and I'm sure he would have if he was with me last night.

I just want this feeling to go away. How can I like something so much and crave something so much when it has caused nothing but drama and heartache in my life? Here I am, sitting at home from work, feeling awful all over something I thought I had control over. Has anyone on here been through a similar situation and where do you even begin to control these urges?? I think that I have what is referred to as an "oral fixation" and turn to either eating or drinking something on a consistent basis to comfort me. When I am driving, I have to have a Red Bull (used to be Sparks or a cigarette), when I am at a social function, I must drink. Any suggestions or advice would comfort me. This problem has hindered my success, my reputation, has caused me to make some terrible, life altering decisions, and it just scares me that I can't control myself.


Posts: 178
Joined: April 3, 2013


Posted: December 30, 2013, 10:06 PM
Hi Pumpkinsteen.

Sounds like you have had some problems with alcohol. There are milloins of us that have had similiar problems and have done something about it to better our lives. We have joined AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). We have all learned that we cannot stop drinking without help. We can make the effort and stay sober for a day or week or longer but ineviatebly we get drunk again and usually mess up. We in AA will tell you that you cannot get sober alone and stay sober BUT WE WILL HELP YOU TO STAY SOBER. Get to an AA meeting and learn what we just ordinary everyday drunks (some very highly functioning alkies we think) do and believe to stay sober and improve our lives for the rest of our lives.
Do youself a favour.
Get to a meeting.
Good Luck!
E.

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Let me love and serve and teach,
Those who come within my reach.
For miracles begin that way!
Author: Sally Deford


Posts: 4174
Joined: July 18, 2006


Posted: December 31, 2013, 12:03 PM
Hi, Pumpkin.
If you have come to the conclusion that you may be powerless over alcohol--that one is too many and a dozen not enough--you may have reached your bottom. If you believe that your life has become unmanageable, you may have reached your bottom. Nobody wanders into a room full of recovering alcoholics accidentally, so you may have just spoken some truths to yourself that many alcoholics came to realize: I can't do this on my own.

The good news is that you don't ever have to be alone again. Keep coming back here, ask questions, take suggestions, and allow the people here to share their experience, strength, and hope with you about how they came out from under this spiraling lifestyle of terror, bewilderment, loneliness and despair. Emptiness like few really know until having been there.

Welcome. We've been waiting for you.

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Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.


Posts: 6
Joined: December 30, 2013


Posted: January 1, 2014, 11:14 PM
I appreciate the responses so far so thank you for your kind words and encouragement!! I have gone to AA meetings before but for some reason, those did not help me that much. I am finding that what seems to help me the most is to surround myself with people that do not care to drink. I do not drink alone anymore and have stopped excusing my drinking as I did before in the past so I believe that because of this, progress has been made. I made a promise to my boyfriend who has been very encouraging throughout all of this that I would not drink at all. I intend on keeping this promise. Tonight, I was offered a glass of beer, just a "tiny" glass but I said no. It was very easy for me too.


Posts: 4174
Joined: July 18, 2006


Posted: January 2, 2014, 10:06 AM
I tried everything not to drink, but eventually I found loop holes. If you continue to try and fail, you may realize that you're powerless, and it may be then that AA starts to make sense. Good luck with your method--we'll be here if you need us.

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Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.


Posts: 58
Joined: June 16, 2013


Posted: January 3, 2014, 10:45 AM
Hello Pumpkinsteen!

Glad you found this site and thank you for sharing a little about yourself with us.
I felt the same about AA meetings when I was starting out on this journey. I'm learning depending on how much I really put into something on my behalf dictates what I receive on the other end. I half assed it for awhile and got nothing, correction, I got drunk and it got worst everytime.
I wanted answers to my problems, I wanted a solution to stop and not all the war stories that some meetings were full of. At first it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone with all the horrible stuff that I been a part of. But I knew how to get drunk, I didn’t know how to stop the madness inside my head that made me want to drink until it shut up! When my now sponsor said these exact words in a different meeting that I tried I knew that I found a home. I was given the gift of HOPE that day. That this person, this group is doing something different and I wanted it.
Today I am putting all that I have into this and I am receiving something every single day that keeps me another step away from going back to that hell.
Try a different meeting or two, listen for the folks that recite word for word from the BB. Stick with the ones that have done their homework.
I echo the words of SKG: It's no accident that your here.

Everyone here loves you, the bond that is built between people like us is incredible.


Posts: 6374
Joined: January 5, 2008


Posted: January 3, 2014, 4:35 PM
HI .. welcome to the board.... IT seems from your post that your life is spiraling out of control with alcohol being the captain.. . If you want to be sober , AA can offer a solution....but you must be willing to surrender.. when you want to be sober MORE than you want to be drunk you will find a way... .. I had a friend once.. her name was L....she has been dead for 3 years now.. I have been sober for 3 years now.....we both made a choice... and by the Grace pf God and a lot of help from the good folks in AA I am here today.

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Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need


Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012


Posted: January 7, 2014, 8:24 AM
Hi Pumpkin, sometimes how we see ourselves determines our walk. Couldn't help noticing your avatar. Call me crazy but I think symbols mean something. Usually an avatar reflects something about ourselves, something we relate to. Is yours a devil genie coming out of a lamp? Just want to point out our minds are powerful. Be careful what or who you let influence you. As a man/woman thinks, so shall he become. peace and love~k


Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012


Posted: January 7, 2014, 8:26 AM
That goes for you too Daddy-quit banging your head against the wall! ~wink~


Posts: 58
Joined: June 16, 2013


Posted: January 8, 2014, 1:51 PM
I feel the same way K.
I thought that avatar was a great example of me before getting sober. Doing the same thing expecting a different result. That was the old me, i will put something up that i think reflects me today. :)


Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012


Posted: January 10, 2014, 4:52 AM
lol Daddy, I feel like a confused bear. :)
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