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Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: September 3, 2013, 4:21 AM
Over the edge,
I do not joke when I say I have no legs. I have had diabetes since the age of 6 and back then things looked very bleak for juvenile diabetics. When I was 16, I decided I was going to party my life away and die at 35. It wasn't until my late 20's when I realized I wasn't God and it wasn't up to me. When I turned 35, all the complications from the diabetes hit me like a ton of bricks. You may not have any children but I do believe there is someone out there that does care and loves you. I do care and I am glad you are here. I understand the depression and isolation that goes along with chronic pain. There are still days when I literally push myself to get up and do things. Push yourself to get up. Even if it to go sit outside and get some fresh air. In the morning ask your HP for the strength to overcome this black cloud. Think we are all behind you lifting you up and rooting for you. You can do this! | ||
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Posted: September 6, 2013, 9:11 PM
Still haven't smoked those joints yet. Last night i was watching that movie 'The Days of Wine and Roses' ....it sucks being an addict no matter what your drug of choice is and trying to have a relationship with one who is active while you are trying to get straight is nigh impossible.
I think part of the reason i purchased those joints from my old friend was because i thought he would welcome me into his circle of friends and i wouldn't feel so lonely and a hopeless cripple. I hate being straight but i am scared of smoking or drinking because i know i never am coming back....i take too much medication on the side and if i was 'out of it' i might be tempted to say f it and do the deed again. my youngest brother took his life and he was an addict...my soul ain't right yet...what if there really isn't anything beyond the grave and 'this' is it be you crippled or ambulatory? God don't make junk but sometimes He's the real bunk and life is just a funk...but is it going to be life with eternal pain or death with eternal nothingness | ||
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Posted: November 5, 2013, 10:16 PM
Hi,
Just a quick update, I am posting this from a Nursing Home....I had fallen about 3 weeks ago and broken my ankle...the joints i had purchased about a month earlier sitll remain unsmoked in my bottom bedroom dresser drawer. I am extremely depressed as i guessed i expected to be 'rewarded' cosmically somehow because i didn't smoke those joints and remained clean..so the fool i am i guess. I have been taking Percocet however for the terrible pain as i was quite crippled before the break with another debilitatiting malady and both situations are proving too much to bear. There are no 'rewards' in life....you do the best you can and hope for the best and i hope there is hope still....thanx for listening (i will stop the Percocet when i leave here) | ||
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Posted: November 11, 2013, 5:53 PM
Over The Edge,
I hope you're on the mend, physically and mentally. I probably shouldn't chime in being that I'm not in a good place myself, but I can so relate. I started smoking pot and drinking in high school, it took my head away from the abusive household, and made me feel better, took away the pain. It's been over 25 years ago and now it's a bad habit. I hate to admit it, but I know it was a factor in my divorce and now the break up of my second serious relationship. I need to get help, I have no one to talk to. Half the time I just wish, hope and pray that He will take me away because when it came down to me doing it, I couldn't because of my kids-whether it was when they were little or now that they are grown. Although, I am convinced they'll get over it. They have their dad and stepmom whom they are closer to anyway, which is part of my sadness, guilt, and depression. I feel broken, tired and used up I did open the bible to an encouraging verse. Psalm 119:39 | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2014, 8:52 PM
i am finally going home after having spent 3 months in a rehab/nursing home because of a broken ankle i sustained back in October
in addition to my immediate plight i always have peripheral neuropathy that virtually numbs me from the waist down and it also in my fingers.. i also recently gotten quite ill here having spent the New Year holiday in a hospital due to contracting bacterial pneumonia.....having had it before a year ago after i decided to take my life with pills...having aspirated on some of my vomit. i have COPD....after years of smoking although i stopped a year and a half ago. I am beat and i cannot take anymore physical or mental pain....i don't want to lead my life as a hopeless cripple...isolated alone constantly in pain etc. i still have those 3 joints in my apartment that my stoner friend sold me 3 months ago.....he is fit and well but smokes chronic while working in a place that demands strict sobriety both from its clients and staff.....but hey God lets him get away with it and f***s me over all the time for remaining sober despite my misery those three joints will be a gateway to my demise if i should choose to smoke them...and endless drift into eternity.......hey why else would God hand me so much on my plate?? | ||
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Posted: January 16, 2014, 6:35 PM
over the edge
Sorry to hear you are going through so much trouble. Not much I can offer up as far as advice, but one thing stands out. If you are at the point of suicide, then you should try every option available to you before you give in to that final act. Why do the 3 joints seem so bad to you? Yeah, people on this board have had problems with use, but most because they end up neglecting families and relationships while using. You would not have such a trade-off. I know this is probably controversial, but it might help a person in your situation to be able to smoke pot. It does have medicinal uses, although people only pay attention to the recreational side. MJ was used to treat neurological diseases up until the 50's before the gov made even that a punishable offense. It HAS uses....maybe one of them is for people in your situation. I dont know that I would recommend it to anyone else on this board. Consider this, If you had a type of epilepsy that was only treatable by cannibis. If you didnt have your medicine , any one of the 300 seizures you have a week could kill you. Would you smoke the MJ? Ok, some still woudnt, but what if it was your 2 yo child who was having the seizures? Would you still stand so strong on principle. And if the principle results in the death of you or your child is that even a principle you should hold yourself too? The 2 yo is a true example that made the news because her dad couldn't fill a PRESCRIPTION for cannibis. He said the only way to get her the medicine she needed was to go get something illegal for her to smoke - or move. Which I think he did....probably to CO. There are worse things than smoking pot - dying is definately on of them. | ||
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Posted: September 13, 2014, 8:48 PM
Over the edge
im currently 18 but ive had drug problems for 3 years now. I have been diagnosed with deppression, mild ptsd due to gang affiliations and a particular incident involving a stabbing, not by my hand but it was not a pretty sight. I managed to escape that world but found myself using drugs to make myself feel better. I started by smoking weed, I liked it but I didnt immediatly start smoking in large quantity. I experimented with other drugs too; coke, methadrone, mdma, acid, shrooms (a personal favorite) ketamine and all kinds of legal highs. However, my true love and passion was for good old mary jane. For 2-2/12 years ive smoked on average £40-60 a day (often a half oz (£120) when I had money) I blew through my 3 and a half grand inheritance within 4 months of leaving secondary school. When I was attending college I would skip all my lessons and smoke weed instead, I got a massive reputation and that really didnt help my situation. I was kicked out of college less than 2 months from the start of my first year and from then on my life was a stoned one. From the description youve given of your stoner friend that gave you your joints, I would say he is my doppelganger. Reading your description was like looking in a mirror. But I can tell you without a single f***ing shred of doubt that he is not happy! During my time with weed I have, on no less than 20 occassions, pleaded and begged with my mum, in floods of tears to give me money because I was desperate for a joint. Ive had the police at my house multiple times because ive cut myself, I even cut my throat once (luckily not deep enough to kill me). But in my eyes I wasnt addicted, despite all that s*** simply for a bag of grass, I refused to even consider the possibility. Recently I had a wake up call, 4 days ago in fact. Im an addict, I am severly deppressed and everyone around me could see it. Everyone apart from me, I mean I knew something wasnt right with me but I didnt feel sad. Thats because weed f***s with your emotions, it numbs and detaches you. I realised I dont smoke to enjoy it anymore I smoke to be able to function! DO NOT SMOKE THOSE JOINTS. Its like putting a band aid on a broken leg, it does absolutly nothing to fix it. My deppression is still bad at the moment but it was at its worst in sept 2013, I started a course of psychotherapy and I found it really worked! Obviously it doesmt just evaporate the deppression but I felt relieved to be able to talk about it. Life is a real trial sometimes, and everybody wants to just pack it at some point. But god has a plan for us all. I know how your feeling ive been there for as long as I can remember. But you have to fight on, dont give the horned c**t downstairs the satisfaction. Take each day one at a time, take any opportunities you get, big, small, meaningless or imperative. You never know, something as simple as going and getting yourself a coffee might lead to you meeting the love of your life. lifes too short to spend it looking at what other people have in envy. Because, like your stoner buddy... its probably just a front, not a single person in this world can say they are 100% happy. Ive wasted 1/9th of my life with drugs, but 4 days ago I made the decision I wont let anything, not my deppression, not my PTSD, not my type 1 diabetes, not even my baby mary jane rule my life. Because the day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn and I think weve all gone through enough for one lifetime. Always happy to help, email me at thebrownie379@gmail.com if I can help in anyway at all. Oh and good luck mate!! | ||
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