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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 21, 2017, 9:15 AM
My son is an addict. He's been in and out of detox and rehab. I've had him living me got him jobs and he broke all the rules lost all the jobs. I no longer let him live with me and got him rooms. He would rob or fight and end up out. I took him in again another job lost. He has been in long term programs and something always happened he's been in half way houses too. I will not let him live me again he stole from me and I lost all trust in him. He comes to my job and always asks for money. I stopped giving him money but I would buy him clothes, boots Ext... but he would sell them or leave them where he was last. He is now in a shelter and it's killing me. I can't sleep or eat sometimes. I have a teenage daughter at home and I don't invite him cause I don't want her to see the way he looks sometimes. This saddens me. Sometimes I want to take him back in and then find out about more drug use and other things. It scares me and I work and must function. I feel like it's my fault and wish he would love me enough to change. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Some people don't understand how I can leave my kid out of the house. Please someone give me guidance or some advice. | ||
Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: February 21, 2017, 10:04 AM
hi :) i think its great you found us, people here are very supportive and helpful! Soon others will come on with suggestions and advices for you (different time zone) I would suggest not to let him move in under no circumstances, you have to think of your daughter as she needs you plus having active addict in your life would bring only terror, hurt, pain and God knows what else as you already experienced , no funding his habit, stop buying clothes , let him face consequences of lifestyle he choose. Nothing you can do or say will change anything, only person who can do this is your son but he really needs to want this even then cravings are to strong and we fall again and again or we get clean and never look back.. we dont know until we try and your son right now is not ready for change. I think you should read other people post on this board and as i said already others will come to help you.
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Posts: 529
Joined: October 15, 2016
Posted: February 21, 2017, 10:08 AM
Deea I bumped post called "Let me fall all by myself.." for you to read, please do and see what I am trying to tell you , this post is from addict perspective , very powerful read
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 21, 2017, 10:18 AM
I'm awake cause I have to go to work today. Didn't get much sleep. Spoke to my son yesterday and he said some hurtful things. He said he likes getting high he's gonna get him and even when he's working he'll get high cause that's what he likes. I know it's the stuff he's going through at the moment but I can't take it no more!!! He is only nice and looks for me when he wants something and when he don't get his way he goes off. He says I treat him like a step child cause I don't ask him over. I don't cause he always looks messed up and wants to live with me. He tries to guilt me and blames his addiction on me and my ex husband ( his father) his father ditacthed from him many years ago and don't bother with any of us. My son don't understand that I don't want others to see him in the condition I see him on sometimes. I feel like I'm protecting the love they have for him so they won't hate him if they see him. I don't smile no more I can't think I'm not living just existing. He comes around my job with a aqaiunance now and then and wants to tell me about myself in front of them.he says that when he lives with me I feel some kind of authority.he don't understand that everywhere you go there are rules you must follow. But he don't care and thinks my boss don't mind him coming around. My boss is a nice guy but is getting a little tired of this all. I feel guilty sometimes cause I feel he should be home warm and fed.. but I've tried that a few times and it didn't work. Sorry I'm just talking and feel free to talk here. If I get some advice I would sincerely love to see it. Have a beautiful day God Bless one and all. And thank you for your reply sure is helpful to hear from someone that understands.
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: February 21, 2017, 10:29 AM
This is just my opinion, but your son will never love you enough to change. They don’t change for other people. You can try everything, give everything you own, spend all your money, cry, plead, not sleep, not eat, get sick, buy him clothes, give him a fresh start, pay his rent, lose your job, and so on….your son will not see any of it. All he sees is what he wants to see and what he needs. Addiction is selfish and addicts are takers. Until he wants something else, nothing will change. He has to choose something different for himself. What you have to do is think about what is good for you and your daughter. You can’t let his life ruin yours. It isn’t like you didn’t make an effort to help him without success. You didn’t just boot him out the door for no reason. He is not in his current situation because of you. You make good choices for you and your daughter. That is where you obligation lies…not to take care of him if he won’t help himself.
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 21, 2017, 11:16 AM
Thank you BugginMe.
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: February 21, 2017, 12:34 PM
It's so not a matter of whether we love you or not..we do...even when were so deeply into the drug we test your every fiber of being....if you have done your best for us...or even if you didn't. ..it's not your fault. ..nothing you did or did not do would have changed anything. ..we're hard to handle while in active addiction. ..hard even when were clean as addicts...we think differently. ..don't see things in alot of ways as others do ...but know this...we love you...and it's never about you or us choosing drugs over you ..though you may feel that way. ..there are so many levels wrapped up in addict behaviors....trying to understand us will make you as crazy as we seem...you didn't cause it. ..can't control it. ..and you can't cure it....just like everyone says...and its true....you can only detach. ..live your own life...and let us live ours....you have to trust that both of our journeys are exactly what they should be. ..
Peace Con | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 21, 2017, 1:15 PM
Thank you Con. I hear and understand. I will continue to pray for him and others in the same situation. Have a wonderful day God bless
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: February 21, 2017, 1:26 PM
I re-read what I said and I didn’t mean it to sound like your son doesn’t love you enough. I am sure he loves you but love is not enough to make them change. I guess that is what I meant to say. I hope what I said was understood.
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 22, 2017, 9:49 PM
Just a quick note saying thank you to all for lending a helping ear. It's only been 2 days that I've been reading many stories and post and it truly has helped me. Thanks agin all.
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Posted: February 23, 2017, 7:43 AM
Dee,
How old is your son? My son is 36, I don't hear from him often anymore. He understands that his emotional blackmail days are over. The suicides attempts, the threatening to rob because he is hungry and cold. Excuses, no matter what you do he is going to use. Until he finds the strength within himself he won't change. My son started using at 13, I did everything that I KNEW to help him. He likes being high.. Now it's just a necessity. He doesn't know anything else. He is not my son that I raise. I still love him, but from afar. He knows I love him and worries about him. When he remembers he will call and tell me all about his life. Besides that he is on his own. I know how hard it is to start changing to stop enabling, to stop him from controlling your feeling. Stop letting him put the guilt trip on you. Read all our stories. All of us here can add the same stories, same scenarios.I think there is a guide book for addicts how to manipulate parents. All of us pretty much here the same lines! :) Be strong , it's your life, you raise him, but at this moment you can't change it. We are here anytime you want to vent. Sue xx | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 23, 2017, 8:12 AM
Hi Sue my son is 25
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 23, 2017, 10:21 AM
I'm definitely trying my best one thing is for sure it still consumes my every waking moment, until something else occupies my mind like work. :(
This post has been edited by DeeA723 on February 23, 2017, 12:03 PM | ||
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Posted: February 23, 2017, 6:40 PM
Hi Dee
My son is now 36, he started at 13. And let me assure you I have felt all those feelings you are having right now. Nightmares if you don't hear from him. What is he doing? Who is he with? He is alive? He is hurting someone? He is stealing? All the time.. Two years ago my son almost lost his arm to shooting up. Nine surgeries and a skin graft. Guess what he was still using durning this time. The hospital put him in rehab, and he left once his arm was healed. To many rules.. He is on the run now with a warrant on his head. I will never see my son again. I miss him but I don't miss the drama, the crying over the phone, the begging. One thing my son never did to me was yell or scream. He always begged, however he did scream and fight with his brother. I can't tell you how to disengage in his life. But you have to find a way. I now get on with my life, I am constantly worried at night, it wakes me up. But I can't have him take control of my life. I can't have him ruined my relationship with my husband or my other children. It's HIS choice to use HIS choice not to get clean. And when you finally take the leap and let go. You will feel better most of time. :).. Come here often it help me in the beginning when I finally stop enabling. Being scared he is going to OD all the time. But I can't change it. Let me put it this way, if you died tomorrow, what would you son do? He would find someone else to sponge off of. You will find boundaries and stick to them, even if he threatens, let him don't give in. It's your only chance to have a normal life and let him get on with his. XX Best of luck Sue | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 23, 2017, 8:28 PM
Hi Sue
My Son is 26. Not a bad kid just making all the wrong choices. My son does not use the drug of his choice no more at least I don't think so but I know he does other stuff from his own mouth and from people that called me that call him a friend. We are where we are now because I told him living with me was no longer an option. So detox and rehab and programs one after the other because he is homeless. I have takin him in got him jobs he would get paid and back to the same stuff. He would lose the job steal from me and verbally abuse me. It was never calm because he didn't like rules. So now he's in a shelter and passes by my job to ask for cigs money say he's hungry and I would give him. All lies so I stopped giving him money took him to buy some clothes know that in the past no matter what he got he would sell. But none of that matter I never help him as far as he is concerned because it wasn't the help he want. To come home is what he wants and I won't!!! I know that he only comes to see me cause he wants something not because he wants to say hi. It hi can I have..... today he wanted to tell me about myself after I told him he sahould spend his days looking for work. I told him I'm not taking this no more that he shouldn't come to my work and bring people with him. It's not respectful and I need my job to live. He wanted money and told me I have it. Lol so I told him as long as he's not helping himself I'm not helping him. We argued and he said a few choice words I said I'm done and walked away. He then found a phone he used and called me to call me a word I can't repeat I simply hung up he told me I'm dead to him and not to go around looking for him cause I have in the past. So here we are. Still scared and don't know where to turn if I'm right or if I'm wrong. | ||
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Posted: February 23, 2017, 10:15 PM
Oh Dee...addiction takes its toll, then steals your soul. If you let it. My son is addicted, but not mean
Just very checked out and sad. I am sorry he hurts you with words on top of all the fear keep looking around for the good in life, day by day. You will find it . | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 25, 2017, 11:25 AM
Dee - I posted to you on a different post, and then saw this one.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! I see you have Been There, Done That.... like most all of us here. Keep sharing, and talking to us. Keep holding your boundaries. I know it is heartbreaking, scary, emotionally draining.... and it can take years to fully detach and really feel like you have control of your life. with good times and bad times in between. a great fear is that our child will die if we do not help them. but we know they might die when we do help them. unfortunately, you have to come to terms with that and know that it is not your fault. you are not to blame. you are not putting drugs in his mouth.... he may not think so - but it is his choice to live this way. without you giving $$, he may slow down on his usage and feel the responsibility in his own hands. we can only pray and hope. and control our own actions. Sounds like you have been making some progress! Keep it up! | ||
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Posted: February 27, 2017, 1:44 PM
*** Message deleted by moderators ***
This post has been edited by moderator on February 28, 2017, 10:13 AM 
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: February 27, 2017, 3:46 PM
Dee....don't mess with this troll. He sees we are desperate .... and is trying to prey on our desire to save our addicts.
We have all prayed mightily for our loved ones. I know for me, God got tired of hearing my voice...that's how hard & often I prayed. My family prayed for my daughter...as did my church...and friends. Folks on this board prayed for her, too. We prayed for God to keep her safe. We prayed for God to heal her. We prayed for God to spare her. And you know what???? God gave her her wings almost 6 months ago. . . At the age of 21 years & 1 month old. If only prayer & believing in God could save an addict, trust & believe my daughter would be on this side of the grass!!! How dare this religious zealot suggest that we aren't being Christian enough...that we are not Turning our burdens to God. . . And that's why our addicts are still addicts. That rehab, IOP, detox are the devil. Seems to suggest that God is vengeful and not forgiving if he is going to punish us like this. My God isn't vengeful or mean. He is loving & as per His word wants all things to work together for good for those that love Him. Leave this fruit cake alone. Go to Naranon....Alanon....keep praying .... keep believing that God can do anything but fail .... and stay away from Randor. This post has been edited by hurtingmom on February 27, 2017, 3:50 PM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: February 27, 2017, 4:17 PM
No one can ever say they know God's plan for any of us...I believe we are all exactly where we should be. ..you never know whose life or soul may need or have needed you or your loved one to be exactly who they are ...junkies ...addicts...family's and parents of addicts....you don't know whose journey needs to be exactly what it is or why...live your own journey. ..let those whose path is different than yours live it ...your perception of normal. ..good...acceptable...evil...and God...is only ever your own perception. ..none of us can ever know another's true journey or why...that is whatever you call God' providence. ...I can't assume I know best or the mind of God for anyone...
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