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Posts: 949
Joined: February 16, 2005
Posted: February 17, 2012, 2:10 PM
I have been on my methadone since Sept.2010 very stable on my dose. I've never had a dirty drug screen at the clinic I have earned all 2 weeks of my take home. I go to a methadone group every thursday. Early in 2005 when I went on methadone the 1st time I was totally against groups. I tried to get as much methadone as they would let me have. This time I was so much more aware of my past mistakes. I stayed low on my dose went up slowly till I got stable took forever "8 months" to get a working dose. The groups have helped more then I thought possible. I am still at the point if the methadone was gone I can't say I would not use. The cost of treatment takes so much of my money but, without it I'ld have no job thas no money. At first I did not like my M-done counslor after more then a year I feel pretty conected to her. My fiance who was not supportive of the clinic and who nearly left me when I told him I was using again now has a diffrent point of view. He dose not say much about the cost anymore I think he can see that it helps. He still is not my main support at least i don't feel like he is working agaist me. I still don't have that life is so wonderful feeling...i more have life is not too bad. Anytime i've tried to get clean i kept looking for that feling if oh what a wonderful life!. It has never came. Talked to the counslor about it she said to stop looking for it. She said to work on accepting things the way they are. Focas on that this life is better then the using life which i agree is true.. I hear people talk about how now their eyes are open life is so good clean I just shake my head I don't feel it. I think part of the problem is I work as a hospice nurse aide in private home. EVERYDAY I see life as not so pretty or nice or fair. My brother is still using H my dad is still a crack addict and alcoholic. I feel better about myself I think i'm being a better mom & better partner. My self esteem is higher to spite my m-done weight gain. I am now taking vitadone its a Multivitamin herbal supplment for people on m-done it helps A LOT and i'm eating well + avoiding sugar and LOSING WEIGHT. I do feel very self sufficient the only thing i'm dependent on is the m done. I am so glad to be on it and not shotting my my arms and body are just beat. In the last 8 months i've had two hospital stays more then 6 days each time. I have had a tumor removed from my breast "no hospital stay" a leg infection MERSA hospital 6 days and I'm now recovering from a full blood sepsis 7 day hospital stay. With the sepsis I had a lot of MRI's done they said my liver is pretty bad a very fatty all set up to devlope cirrhosis. My heart was strained from the sepsis and my kidney on right bleeds causes me to pee blood. I have stoped drinking ANY alcohol at all. I had no CLUE how damaged my body was.
This post has been edited by zerogirl77 on February 17, 2012, 2:12 PM -------------------- The junk merchant doesn't sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. | ||
Posts: 183
Joined: December 22, 2011
Posted: February 17, 2012, 4:04 PM
Well let's see here....you work as a hospice care worker and have been in the hospital a bunch over the last year for various infections/problems. You discovered your liver, heart and kidneys are in bad shape. All of this and you are wondering why you aren't having that "life is wonderful" feeling? I can't think of much that is more depressing and sad than working in hospice care..Isn't hospice strictly for people who have fatal diseases and are in their final days of life?
My gosh zerogirl. You don't realize that what you do everyday is very depressing and you have a lot of negative things around you like family members still actively using?? Come on, your father on crack? NO WONDER YOU ARE FEELING this way....I'm surprised you aren't more depressed instead of just feeling like "eh". Lifestyle changes...people....places....things.....that's why my addiction specialist always says. Time for some changes in your life I think. Like, get a new job...one that is more uplifting than people dying around you. I respect you and give you all the credit in the world for what you do...but as a struggling addict, I think a more uplifting or even a boring job would be better than what you are doing. It sounds like you have a decent relationship with your fiance....is it positive? Does he help you or hinder you in your recovery? You say he now understands that the Methadone is helping you. Does he know about addiction? What did he say about what you've found out about your body? I'm just wondering if he's a good person or a bad person to have in your life of recovery? Some people hinder us even when they don't mean too. I'm not saying he is of course, I'm just hoping this relationship is a positive one in your life. Have you ever taken anti-depressants before? I am on Prozac and it's working. I'm not dancing down the street of course, but my outlook is positive instead of hopeless. I used to feel hopeless A LOT. I don't anymore and it sure is a relief. Keep posting...I'm recovering too, I'm on Suboxone. I never shot, but I snorted heroin - about 10 bags a day. I turned to it when I could no longer afford to buy the pain pills and my doc kicked me out of treatment for marijauna use. Let us know how you are doing and take it easy, I hope this year is better for you medically. And quit that job, find something more uplifting....talk to your counselor about it. I was just trusted with 2 weeks of suboxone myself today. That felt pretty good, I'm in the minority of outpatient rehab, most have 1 week scripts, I was able to get 2. Hang in there and big ((((hugs)))). Take care. Love, Melissa -------------------- "If some great catastrophe is not announced every morning, we feel a certain void. nothing in the paper today , we sigh.” Paul Valery “Self-love, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.” William Shakespeare "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." George Bernard Shaw “If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.” Jimmy Buffet | ||
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Posted: February 17, 2012, 7:31 PM
zerogirl the life we chose wasn't all that great we just don't make good choices,But we keep trying can't give up.as long as the father our lord keeps waking us up every morning we still have a chance,,I belive everyone has something they want to get rid of or get off of,might be wrong but that's what i believe.So methadone works,some can do detox program and be alright (clean) others need maintence like myself,I go to the clincidaily for my medication(methadone) loss my take homes because of dirty screen.so that meant i am not ready yet,but i am going to keep going to the clinci because i do not want to go back out there,(we all know where out there is).So when you think your situation is bad there is someone worse.I was released from hospital Sun.surgey for abscess that was infected,but with NO insurance they had to still from peter to pay paul,I'm not ready to dye,We're both screaming Help Me,Is there anyone anywhere that can hear us ,I'm oing to claim help. clam clean claim life in jesus name .with that being said i'm going to pass .feel free to text,e-mail or /and post I give..
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 17, 2012, 10:30 PM
Hey HeroGirl, good to see you. This is a very positive and grounded post and I was happy to read it. Melissa makes some good points about how you feel about life...seems as normal as it might be given the circumstances.
I won't lie, I was getting worried about you...really, glad to know you are managing and healing. Take care of yourself for you and for your kiddos...how are the assorted small people? Not so small I'd guess...that girl of yours must be a teenager now, eh? How's things with her? Come on back and visit a bit more. Did you notice we have a methadone board now? Lots of people rallied for that one and there it is...might be some help for you. Peace ~ M&M -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posts: 949
Joined: February 16, 2005
Posted: February 18, 2012, 1:41 PM
MelissaLynn thanks for the reply. Yes hospice is end of life care. It is not happy work but, it's what i'm skilled and trained in. I also have a real passion for the work. When I relasped and was working high I thought about getting a new job. Now at this point I would feel useless like I was not doing what i'm meant to do. I always wanted to do "nursing". I work one on one in homes I'm not as overwhelmed. Years ago I did nursing home work it was too much taking care of 8-12 people at once. There have been a few "not many" cases I could not mentally do when that happens I call someone else in on that job. It is not a job for everyone I agree. As for my fiance it's a real mix of + and - . He is a real rock, a worker, supporter, and a very involved father. He knows nothing about addiction he grew up a only child in a privileged home. He has never had a drug/drink problem nor has his parents. No he is not a help in my recovery. He is a stable minded sound board, he will listen even thou he don't know what i'm talking about or where i'm coming from. He said nothing both times i was in the hospital he is not a big talker. He knows I over abused my body guess he has nothing to say about it. He tries to focas on the good. He tries to build me up. He has limited resourses to go on as far as helping my drug problem. I have been on anti-depressants ONLY when going through a withdraw. At this point i feel ok enough that I don't think i need them. In the past I had those feeling of hopelessness not currently.Very nice your getting your 2 weeks of Suboxone it is a good feeling to be trusted by the clinic. My clinic acually gives out up to 30 days depending on your phase in the program i'm a phase 5 which is 2 weeks.
penrod:: Thanks 4 the reply.. keep working on earning your take homes it just takes time and a clean drug screen :] MomNMore: Have no worries, I just stay so buzy which is good and bad. My oldest son is almost 16, my daughter turns 14 the 23rd of this month. Our baby just turned 5 in December. Things with my daughter are not the best. I caught her smoking pot in her room about a month ago. She always has a lot of drama with her friends and school. She is the rebal teen for sure. Our almost 16 year old is a bit more moody then he use to be but, working on getting honers high school diploma. He takes collage prep classes he is very into school. My daughter has mental health issues. She is so defiant you can't tell her nothing. I had not seen the methadone board thanks I looked at it last night. This post has been edited by zerogirl77 on February 18, 2012, 2:24 PM -------------------- The junk merchant doesn't sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. | ||
Posts: 2606
Joined: August 18, 2005
Posted: February 19, 2012, 1:42 PM
zg
There is something called Anhedonia--Researchers theorize that anhedonia may result from the breakdown in the brain's reward system, involving the neurotransmitter dopamine.It is a mental disorder that doesn't allow the brain to feel pleasure normally - One even has a hard time feeling just OK- - This is one of the main reasons people relapse, - no matter how many meetings or therapy you do, none of that cures this chemical brain problem. I believe for most hardcore long time heroin addicts we are damaged permanently and the only mechanism out there to address anhedonia is MMT or Sub I guess. I think that anhedonia is so little mentioned and understood by the press and general population! The first thing I noticed when I got clean the first time (mostly by going to meetings and suffering thru withdrawal) is that as time went on I did NOT feel better at all! My zest for life was obliterated. I relapsed time and time again- However, now on MMT I truly feel "normal" and I feel good and can experience a wide range of emotions including joy. To me, this is the missing piece of the puzzle. I always knew that when someone relapsed they just wanted to feel good and could not without drugs due to some type of brain or nervous system damage. Many wont agree with me - and I'm Ok with that. All I know is that after many yrs of drug abuse- and-long time heroin addiction, something had to short circuit in my brain or nervous system. Many long time opiate addicts also need a type of anti- depressant to trick the brain,s reward system so you can feel "normal" again- - I was on them for a short period, before I realized that I didn't need them- With all that is going on in your life,- -from your heredity issues - to your job - to the semi-support from your partner, money issues- and then knowing that your dad and brother are still using , its frigging amazing your as together as you are. If I had all that going on, I cant say I would handle it a well as you are- Keep the faith- your on the right track, and although everything seems like its taking forever to fall into place...it is.. and it will continue to get better* * * Look at where you are today as opposed to yrs ago- I remember your posts back then rang of hopelessness, now they ring of hope... I'm happy for you and your kids. You've made lots of progress, and I'm a stranger who can notice it- - Imagine those who you are close to- -keep in touch- - with big respect jack -------------------- "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." — Hunter S. Thompson[COLOR=blue] | ||
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Posts: 949
Joined: February 16, 2005
Posted: February 21, 2012, 10:05 PM
As always good post Jack. I have not heard specific of Anhedonia but, I know long term drug use has many terrible effects of the brain and body. I do feel better on M-done then without it. Even with m-done I don't get those feelings of life being wonderful. I hear many people in recovery say, they never thought they could feel so good & life sober is great. I just don't relate. Like I said YES this is better but, I don't have that WOW feeling. Somedays I do think I could never use again i'm so over it, other days i'll get a craving it seems like a good ideal to go back. I guess looking back I have came a long way. Progress just seems slow.
-------------------- The junk merchant doesn't sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. | ||
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Posted: March 8, 2012, 2:30 AM
This is a comfortable step for me, posting on a forum.
My background story is...I am 21. By 19, I've been in two rehabs. I've been a self injury addict since 10. I've been a xanax and oxycodone addict since 14. The spring of 2010, I lost my boyfriend to a drug overdose, was homeless and introduced to heroin. I was using heroin for 5 months before leaving for rehab across the country. I'm happy to say I've been clean since 9/27/2010. Sometimes I forget I'm a recovering drug addict. I've moved somewhere new where I know one person and have no drug afflicts. This I believe is best for my sobriety. I've been so caught up in full time work that I forget, almost numb out my last 21 years. I feel like a new person, but something feels wrong that I neglect my emotions. Every time I revisit my emotions, I feel the urge to use. How to I grow as a person without triggering a relapse? | ||
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Posts: 949
Joined: February 16, 2005
Posted: March 13, 2012, 3:58 PM
Hi lisa welcome to the board. I would suggest u starting a post about your question how to grow as a person without trigging a relaspe.... I think you'll get more replies then on this post. It is a good question. It sounds like you have already done a lot right, moving not being around active addicts. I think you should start doing things for your self example: learing about YOU getting into hobbies or subjects that are of intreast to help build your self up. I have found being buzy helps with not having a relaspe.
-------------------- The junk merchant doesn't sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. | ||
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