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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: March 3, 2011, 9:09 AM
Taken from a link on the internet
Codependents: # Think and feel responsible for other people - for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny. # Feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings. # Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves. # Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves. # Find themselves attracted to needy people. # Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them. # Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used. # Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families. # Blame themselves for everything. # Reject compliments or praise. # Think they're not quite good enough. # Fear rejection. # Take things personally. # Afraid of making mistakes. # Expect themselves to do everything perfectly. # Feel a lot of guilt. # Think their lives aren't worth living. # Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others. # Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness. # Try to prove they're good enough for other people. # Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt. # Appear rigid and controlled. # Lose sleep over problems or other people's behaviour. # Worry. # Never find answers. # Try to catch people in acts of misbehaviour. # Focus all their energy on other people and problems. # Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally. # Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. # Feel controlled by events and people. # Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are. # Become workaholics. # Spend money compulsively. # Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. # Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they thing provides their happiness. # Didn't feel love and approval from their parents. # Don't love themselves. # Desperately seek love and approval. # Don't take time to see if other people are good for them. # Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings. # Lose interest in their own lives when they love. # Don't say what they mean. # Don't mean what they say. # Ask for what they need indirectly. # Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect. # Talk about other people. # Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts. # Lie to protect and cover up for people they love. # Apologise for bothering people. # Let others hurt them. # Say they won't tolerate certain behaviours from other people, then gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would. # Don't trust their feelings. # Don't trust their decisions. # Don't trust other people. # Try to trust unworthy people. # Think God has abandoned them. # Feel very scared, hurt, and angry. # Cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts. # Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry. # Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved. # Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed. # Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner. # Have strong sexual fantasies about other people. # Extremely responsible. # Extremely irresponsible. # Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice. # Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous. # Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts. # Ashamed about family, personal or relationship problems. # Feel lethargic. # Feel depressed. # Become violent. # Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill. # Experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating). # Become addicted to alcohol and other drugs. -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: March 3, 2011, 3:04 PM
Wow, I pass...LOL
Thanks for sharing. I'm going to print this one out & share. -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 3, 2011, 3:45 PM
I had to stop counting at 18...
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Posts: 7453
Joined: September 28, 2004
Posted: March 3, 2011, 7:00 PM
Good God, 26.
I read them first then went back and counted as I answered. I'm afraid to try it again, it might be more, lol. xxxooo -------------------- Love, Kat God determines who walks into your life; it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.      | ||
Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: March 3, 2011, 7:45 PM
WoW... I stopped at 30... Well hopefully if I take this in again in a couple of months it will be a lower number. . . . Just keep asking myself, "What do I need to do to take care of MYSELF right now?"
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Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: March 3, 2011, 8:10 PM
I think almost everyone period would score on something that comprehensive..codies just higher lol
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: March 3, 2011, 10:02 PM
I think I would have to add "always apologizing to other people for everything even when it's not necessary". Goes along with the afraid we're always bothering people.
-------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: March 4, 2011, 2:23 PM
Good call on the apologizing... After reading that it clicked that I have constantly been apologizing to him this week for crying & being hurt that he would rather use than be with me and his soon to arrive son. WoW that is really really messed up! ***feeling of anger now takes the lead in todays emotional race***
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Posts: 1189
Joined: December 29, 2009
Posted: March 5, 2011, 6:05 AM
OMG! What a lot of points!! I pass on many and see my mother passes even higher than that!
I want to fail this test- as an overachiever I will strive to make this goal by working on lowering my score which I must have had at about 70%. Cheers, Kazz from ozz | ||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 12, 2011, 12:55 PM
Bumping up for AussieGal...
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Posts: 1901
Joined: December 25, 2007
Posted: March 24, 2011, 11:36 AM
This was taken from the www.crackreality.com site.
"Things Their Enablers Say" This is where we admit what we said when we were out of our minds. "How much money do you need to get by?" "Beloved. Payday is tomorrow. Are you going to be ok? I want to know how you are doing...Go to a meeting, call me..whatever it takes...I love you." (email) " i KNOW where he is every single hour. and no, he didn't sneak out of the house last night, i was sleeping right here on the couch" "It's easy for everyone else to say what to do! What if it was your child? You and everyone else has no idea!" " But I LLLOOOOOVVVVE him!!!!" "He is such a good person when he is/was sober" "He said he doesn't want to use anymore" "This time it will be different because he completed a two month rehab. I can feel him different already. He has the tools now." "If he would only take his bipolar medication then he wouldnt be lke this anymore" "He's going to kill himself, overdose, and someone is going to kill or hurt him if I leave him." "He wants to get counseling, but he doesn't have the money right now" "He knows that if he does it again then it's OVER" "I don't understand why the kids can't come to visit as long as you're there with them. He's not going to hurt anyone" "They can't come visit (the grandkids), even if he's not using??" "There's nothing at MY house, he knows he can't bring it (crack) there" "He mentioned again last night that he would like to seek some intense counseling" "I think he wants something more intense than that" (after being told that there is FREE counseling/support/treatment available for those who want it) "I am his wife and if something happens to him I will feel responsible. I am all he has." "but he has so much potential" “This is the LAST time I'll send you money.” "I'm 100% sure he will never do crack again" "Maybe I should bring him for counselling. I think he is depressed and that is why he uses." "He was crying and says he is sorry for leaving us for days" "I need to help him. He is my husband." "He is looking for work. I even faxed his resume to some places today. Hopefully someone will call." "After this, I’m not lending you any more money." “he’s only had three relapses” “he’s a really nice guy” “his ex is just over reacting” “I moved him in ‘cause he had no where else to go” “he’s taking steps to deal with it.” "I love you ,come home." "It is my doubt in him that keeps him using." It is 2:00 a.m. "Mom, he just called and I have to pick him up again. He is in some bad part of town and is freaking out. Will you watch the baby until I get back?" "Will you watch the baby? I need to drive to the rehab place to give him cigarettes?" "This is the very last time, I swear the last time.... don't ask me again because I am not going to give you anymore money - I swear." (as if there is ever a last time) "If I ride with him he won't be gone all night ." "_____ can't come into work today, he has the flu." "He can't help it, he's sick! You wouldn't say that about somebody if they had Cancer, would you?" "Just promise you'll never do this again. Do you give your word? Say you give your word." "OK, I'll give you one more chance." "But WE'RE going to do it this time!" "WE'LL go to meetings TOGETHER." "At least he's getting the heroin under control." "Well, there's this guy at his (CH) work who's a real CRACKHEAD and he's the one who's causing all the problems at his job." "Did you call ... your probation officer, the court, your job, any job ads, your parents, your brother ... today?" (Enabler to CH) "Well, he's not working right now, but things are pretty slow in all the trades right now" (right now = all the time) "Yes, he's back to work." (I did think this one was true, as it turns out he was driving to a McDonald's parking lot inthe mornings and sleeping in the car until I left for work.) "He said he's not willing to give up any more of his life to this disease than he already has." "Swear to me that you only did crack THIS ONE TIME and it doesn't mean you're addicted to drugs again(?!)" *this one was several years ago,but I still can't get over saying that one. "Well you KNOW that you NEED to do heroin every day, so why would you spend your money on crack?" ditto for this one. "Don't worry about ANYTHING - just focus on YOURSELF and your RECOVERY." "Don't worry.....I'll take care of it....Don't worry!" "He's such a wonderful person when he's not using." "Is there any hope? He's going into rehab next week." "He would never be violent with me." "He would NEVER do that" "They CAN recover" "They're not all the same" "I'll give you ONE more chance" "But, I loooooove him (voice going up 8 octaves)." "But, I REALLY BELIEVED him this time.!!!" “ I can’t believe they screwed up shorted you on your paycheck AGAIN!” "But you said you would be home in FIVE MINUTES and that was TWO HOURS ago...*sigh* ..ok see you in 5 minutes" “I won’t fight with you anymore, please don’t go take a drive to “cool down”. Last time you were gone all night” “Please just come home, your court time is 9:00am and you need to be sober! (It’s 3am usually when the call comes) "What if he has died, it is my fault" "HOW CAN YOU SAY THOSE THINGS ABOUT YOU OWN SISTER?" "IF IT WASN'T FOR ..NAME... SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS." "WE CAN'T LOSE HOPE IN HER. SHE'S MY FAMILY." "SHE WOULD NEVER LY OR STEAL FROM US....SHE'S FAMILY." "SHE JUST NEEDS ALITTLE HELP TO GET BACK ON HER FEET." "WE CAN'T BE TOO HARD ON HER . WHAT IF SHE KILLED HERSELF? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL THEN?" "I'm sorry, you're right, the fight we had was my fault. Please don't be mad at me anymore." (After CH picked a fight........) "Where have you been? I'm just relieved you're ok." "Don't worry about money tonight, I'll pay the bar tab." "You haven't ever had sex with a prostitute, have you? No? Whew....thank God!" (And felt true relief LIKE AN IDIOT!) "I love you too." "Do you 'really' promise this time?" "Can we just get away this weekend ... just you and me ... and no drugs?" "I will never leave you." "I will help you conquer this." "I know you love me more than anything." "Just don't leave, you can stay here and smoke in the den. I just need to know you are safe." "I've looked in all the rooms ... there's nobody else here." "I understand that you are only treating me like this is because you are so stressed from trying to quit." "No, I didn't hear anything." "I'll call and explain that you have the flu (flat tire, Dr. appointment, etc.) and can't make it." "Awww .... that's so sweet of you to think of me and bring this rose." "I'm sorry you don't feel well. Why don't you go lay down and I'll bring you something to eat." "I know you would of never laid a hand on me if you weren't so stressed from trying to quit." "I forgive you ... I forgive you ... I forgive you ... I forgive you ..." "Yes I do trust you." "I'm not cheating on you. I really did go to Dad's house." "I wont bring up your drug use again." "Yes I do remember our vows." "You just relax ... I'll take care if it. " "I'm sorry, I will try to be more understanding." "I am so happy ... so we can leave in the morning for rehab?" "Let's just forget it ever happened. Tomorrow is a new day." "Yes I understand that it will be hard to quit and I understand that all addicts relapse's several times." "I'll be OK ... let's put all our efforts into getting you well." "OK, I will stay right here until you get back. How long do you think you will be?" "Why?" "Where’s my car?" "Where’s my bankcard?" "How are we going to pay the electric bill?" "Did you sleep with her (him)?" "I don’t believe you." "But I'm afraid he'll die if I leave him." "He needs my help to get better, he can't do it by himself." "I need to be there for him so he doesn't give up." "I'll ignore it just this one last time ..." "If you do this again, I swear I'll leave you ..." "You look like you need a good meal ..." "I can't believe he would do this AGAIN!!!!!!!!" "Ok, I'll drive you to get dope, but this is the LAST TIME." -------------------- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 I am a recovering codependent, and mother of a recently relapsed drug and alcohol addicted (20 year addiction) adult daughter. Thinking we are in control of anything or anyone else but ourselves is an illusion. And actually we have very little control over what happens to us as well. What will happen will happen. So let go & let God. This is my path to serenity. What happens if we just let go of what we "think" we are controlling? The world keeps on turning and life goes on. I trust that the Lord Jesus will bring me through what He brings me to. Take what you need & leave the rest. I sometimes have bad days. That's ok, I used to have bad years. The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus loves us. LAFFStore | ||
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Posts: 198
Joined: February 28, 2011
Posted: March 24, 2011, 2:03 PM
It really scares me that I am STILL saying and thinking these things:(
Reading this list I actually had thoughts about how some of the statements are okay and are actually sitting here wondering why they are unhealthy... I feel a bit ashamed/insecure/sad about that... For example, "but I looovvee him", "he is such a good person when he is/was sober", "but he has so much potential", "maybe I should bring him to counseling. He is depressed and that why he is using" (I have actually tried this one and the counselor stopped seeing us after 3 mos b/c he continued to use), and "lets go on a vacation, the 2 of us...w/out the drugs (alcohol)".. Plus there were a couple of others.... Ugh such a long way to go... My therapist recommended making a list of all of my codependent symptoms and then rating myself on a scale of 0-5 each day to track my progress... I think I am going to start it and see how it goes:) She said I can base the list off of the long a** list in Codependent No More book I have. It is a really long list but i like how it is broken up into categories and a little bit more detailed/specific. | ||
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