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Posted: August 24, 2013, 9:57 PM
iriquoi
You are right to come here and vent. I have been one who has used this stuff a lot , but even at my worst I would not openly do this in front of my wife. Even if she would have tolerated it I couldnt do it in front of her or my kids so I never reached the stupidity point you are relating through your posts. So the synthetic is not illegal in your area? Some gas stations sell it anyway. You might make a call and see if it is or not and just report it if nothing else. Otherwise, you will have to wait til he decides to quit on his own....torture for someone who cares about the person using! But beware of the anger. It will get bad in the beginning as he starts to get away from this drug! And if he is bipolar too ? Out of my league as far as what to predict. You sound very intelligent, informed, and proactive about solving this problem - so you are much better off than most. You need to be able to get him to realize the pain you are in one way or another. If it is your house - lay down some rules about the smoking in your presence. If he drives you can anonymously call him in. This might sound much different from some of my earlier posts. But in my situation 'I' pay all the bills and support the family. I also respect my wife enough to not make her put up with it by smoking in front of her. People around me dont really see me high....they just know I have done it the prior day or so. But you cant let people walk on you, live off you, and steal of of you if it causes this much pain! At least you came here to learn more....At least thats one thing I can do with my expereinces! keep writing girltoday If there was something online I might be interested. I am not really able to do much in the way of meetings at the moment. I dont normally like such things...but I will keep an open mind! Andy I have more to write but will post this now in case I lose it! | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: August 24, 2013, 10:26 PM
Yes they have a website. They do have meetings and a forum. But I like the tools they use the most. SMART stands for Self Management And Recovery Training. It is not about 12 steps or anything like it, but they provide you tools to help you with additive behavior. I learn a lot about the shoulds and the should ofa's, the but guy, things like that. IDK it has helped me understand my behavior and why I do some of the stuff i do. Hope you check it out! Your doing great btw! Keep it up! HUGS. Jessica
I also should say that I have never attended a f2f meeting with SMARTrecovery, because they don't have one in my area, but i'm fond of the online ones. They even have voice meetings with good people and lots of great advice. they treat you like an adult lol. And you just listen or type in the voice ones but they have text ones as well. And it is open to anyone with addiction. They don't say addict/alkie they just talk about how to deal. This post has been edited by girltoday on August 24, 2013, 10:36 PM | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 10:42 PM
Andy
Cool you got access to wifi. I have always thought that when I mentioned sharing these posts with my mother that it may have encouraged you to do the same. But I also have noticed that when I was influenced by the synthetic I was very eager to share things with people. Too eager!! Did you also notice this? Now that I no longer have this influence I am more back to myself - which means I no longer want people who know me to read the things I put here. I had offered my mom access if she wanted it in May. So eager was I to share, and sure that she would not waste time in contacting me that I was ready to let her read anything and everything I had ever wrote- some of which is embarrasing! But she didnt ask until July, and by then I was over the hurt of her not wanting to read what I had wrote. So I basically told her that ship had sailed, and I am back to isolating myself in a way. This allows me to be freer in the things I write though! I dont have to hold back. I am sorry if you were influenced by anything I may have said about this , but there are ways to still write things - completely anonymously. I post on the huffington post (anonymously) and if on that site both people 'fan' each other it allows you to read all other posts by that person. But only if both sides fan each other can you read all the other users posts - it takes permission! I say this because I know it seemed at times you wanted to talk about something about usage you didnt want to say in front of family, and I thought if you had that come up again - there is that outlet. I would suggest that everything be put here if it isnt something you mind them knowing. But I hate the fact that you have to censure yourself and that I may have had something to do with it. So if you need to talk - there is another way. I have been posting there a lot lately - and no one knows me from Adam (bad pun - but intentional :) Let me know what you think about it - I tread very carefully here because I dont want it to sound wrong. What you posted about running through the MJ as fast as you can is what I did the first time I tried real pot after smoking the synthetic. Not this summer, but last year. This summer I knew better, plus when I work 12 hour days I just cant smoke it nonstop because it is so exhausting. What you said about the work ethic going to pot (more bad puns) is also true. This summer I would sometimes sit on the mower for a few minutes because it just took too much energy to get up and put my trailer gate up. Ohhhh, but the sleep!! For a long term anxiety ridden insomniac like myself it was worth it just to sleep through the night for the first time in years!! But the waking up early to get high thing? That is reminiscent of when I would quit for 8 months and then get high around Thanksgiving. When I would first start smoking again it was like being re-acquainted with a long lost friend! The desire to get up and do everything with this friend again was present and it made me want to jump out of bed in the morning to see him/her. Even though I hate getting up in the morning and am almost always down and out of energy when I wake up. But if I had MJ?? The problem is that the old friend has a lot of bad habits that begin to wear on the 'friendship'. If you pursue it like you have , you will see this for yourself very soon. My advice? If you are going to smoke it get a one hitter. Stop wasting smoke by rolling joints and even smoking in a bowl. Limit yourself before the tolerance gets so bad it wont do anything. And know this! It will get to the point where it wont do much of anything! You have just been away for a while and it is relatively new again. This wont last, and this is a good thing because your ultimate goal is to not smoke at all. And if you could ever get to the point where you could do it just at night - just a little?? That wouldnt be a problem, but who are we kidding....You are like me in the way you either do it all the time or not at all. So learn how to do the binge trick if nothing else. If you cant do this , you should try and stay away. Going back to all day everyday use is not something you want to do and you and I both know it!! I really dont have that much desire to even binge anymore , I hope this means I am almost done with it for good. I say this because the 'old friend' tends to run up a lot of bills and start pissing me off after it has stayed a while. I am getting to the point I dont invite him/her back unless I am desperate. And the farther away from the synthetic I get , the less desperate I have become. Good hearing from you again! Hey tog, come back and join the reunion! Let us know how you are doing as well!! Til later.... | ||
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Posted: August 24, 2013, 11:08 PM
jessica
Thanks for the info, I might check that out if I feel down and can get the time. My moods go up and down on a daily basis so its nice to have another resource to turn to. Also, I wrote down some stuff that a customer texted me today. It was a duck joke (intentionally mispelled) and a bit off color. I got the forbidden 403 message again. So this message is generated when you tell really offensive things, even though it wasnt that bad really. I'll share it again later, only I will clean it up a bit. Really tired now, going to bed! til later... | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 5:02 AM
hi everyone,
First of all i want to say... a big thx to all of your posts ,because it helps a lot .you may think that you are alone in this mess but let me assure you that these drugs/poison are now all over the world .I'm writing this from Israel ,and i have the same problem as all of you ..i've been smoking pot for the past 10 years but the worst drug i have ever encountered was the spice/mr nice guy..i've smoked it for the last 2 years on a regular basis because the hash and pot was very hard to get (a lot of police jumps) and very expensive .I lost most of my friends and my jobs during this period ..because it made me a different person ..so i relate to your posts very much.. i was very sensitive, very depressive, open too much to others,very angry at the world and at myself .Nothing I did or smoked after the spice was enough ..nothing .Thats why i stopped everything cold turkey ..(drinking ,smoking), I know its a bit harsh but I thought that nothing in this world will make me suffer more than this poison.I really hope that I won't relapse to anything . I know its very boring to live like this but the alternative is a one way ticket..and nobody would cares about you if you don't care for yourself .sry for the broken english :))) This post has been edited by danny159 on August 25, 2013, 5:06 AM | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 10:00 AM
danny
Glad you posted! Shared experiences provide a deeper understanding of how this particular drug has made us all feel. Last year I wanted so much to just tell people what I was going through, but without any real experience with this particular drug they had no way of relating or helping. I did feel alone, still do at times, but it is very helpful to come here and let out some of the things I keep inside - so I encourage others to do likewise! Most all of us started out by smoking pot. The synthetic was cheap, easy to get, and you couldnt get in trouble for it - so naturally we all gravitated to it. But we have found that it is very addictive, changes the way you think, messes with your sleep,and drives almost everyone into almost consant use at some point. And when you quit? The withdrawals can be nasty...headaches, nausea, fever, anger,depression, loss of appetite, and the worst for me - insomnia. I think many of us went back to it just to keep from feeling these effects. Also, be careful of Mr. Nice Guy! They mix it in cement mixers, use nail polish as a binding agent, and have many bad trips and hospital visits credited to this brand. One of the problems is the inconsistency by how they mix it. By using the cement mixers it will produce 'hot spots' where one hit will have much greater potency than other hits taken from the very same bag. And the potency from bag to bag varies so you never know how much of the drug/poison you have just ingested. However, it does get better with time. Mind and body can heal, we just have to let it. I focus on why I ever did these things in the first place. Why at times I may still do them now if I find myself in a dark place. All questions that need to be answered because they were at the heart of why I ever sought to escape and numb in the first place. I think a lot of us started smoking/using our DOC in social settings, then eventually progressed into getting our own supply and mainly doing it alone. So why the need to do it alone? I know for me I felt I didnt fit in, had a lot of pressure, and used it to turn off my thoughts and give myself a break. The problem is I never wanted the break to stop. Any you cant stay high all the time! It just wont work. It will interfere with relationship, isolate you, and eventually you will build up a tolerance to the point it doesnt even really work! So for those of us who liked MJ. We have kind of accelerated the tolerance buildup to the point that it will never be the same again. After being away from the synthetic for 4 months I tried it again a month or so ago and found this out the hard way. I had smoke marijuana for a brief spell earlier in the summer and it really didnt do anything more than help me sleep. But when I tried the synthetic after such a long spell? It was so strong I could barely handle even just one hit!! Eight days or so later I was able to smoke as much as I could stand...every 20-30 minutes...and was still not satisfied. The tolerance built up that quick! So for me I know if I do slip, it will be a short slip. The withdrawals are too nasty after long term use, and the black phlegm/cough kicked in even after just an 8 day binge. Also, I was waking up ON THE HOUR after just 8 days of smoking! I cant believe I EVER smoked as much as 3 grams a day of this poison. I have only had 5 grams in 6 months and I am still far from being completely back to myself mentally. Currently I have no desire to smoke, not even a little, but I have felt this way before so I proceed with cautious optimism that I might be done for good. Just know, I am not giving myself an excuse for relapse. I am just being realistic and honest based on past experience. The way I feel right now I would love to shout "I AM DONE FOR GOOD". But I have done this in the past, only to slip, and then beat myself up about being such a weak human being. THAT is a big part of my problem and why I ever used in the first place. How I see myself! I could go on and on about why...I will pass on more theories I have come up with later on. But I have to get ready for church! Yeah I know sometimes this seems a contradiction for me, but that is another one of those things I am trying to come to grips with. Also one I am making good progress on as well. The only thing that is unforgiveable is to just stop trying to figure the thing out!! til later... | ||
Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 25, 2013, 11:00 AM
I appreciate the thoughts of everyone, meeting is out of the question, I have my own issues to deal with, coming from a extremely dysfunctional family follows you through life. My addiction is so off base it has finally made me think I must be meant to be a loner Not by choice but by my parents legacy. I seek out people who I let manipulate me. Wrong forum, Just to fill you in.
I need to have a camera and tape recorder to have him listen and see why I am taking the action of extreme nagging. I know the anger is coming, it has always been there, He was suppose to start anger management, I told him he will die if he does not get control of his outbursts. His dad died on the side of he road at 54. High Blood pressure. Now my question is, how to you manage someone who is addicted to the raising of ones blood pressure because it's been with you so long it's needed to feel normal. So top it off with this drug and there are some scary issues happening here. I watched my parents die in the past 4 years, in the midst of a huge war with my vindictive sister over inheritance, (money I'll need to fix this house and have to live on) A house smeared with 40 years of second hand smoke from moms cig addiction, a house no smelling of the chemical warfare that im also in the midst of. I do not want to take his freedom, so making him hate me is my sick way out of this situation because I have cared for him for so long, got him on his disability for bipolar, stuck by him thru hell and back, (mind you I'm no simple person to be around) I'm on a prescribed barbiturate for my anxiety issues (inherited from dad) bipolar1 from mom) The anxiety over rules everything when triggered. Taking steps to figure out what the hell was wrong with me was a later in life, out of denial struggle, I did alone. The meds im on have made me ballon, and I want desperately to find peace within my body and mind to reduce the need fo such such a high dosage of barbiturate need=meaning losing weight to lessen the milligram of drug. Add one selfish, easily angered person we worked on together to get him on the right road and the high blood pressure rush is too great a high to get AM. So in comes Mister Chosh (not sure of the spelling) Look, you need nothing but the internet to get what your state doesn't provide, his disability money goes here and all the other pitfalls bipolar2 tempts you with, money wise. He's a very talented artist with very insecure doubts of his abilities which have plagued him throughout his life. We had taken the path of seeking recovery until this evil chemical came in the mail. I PAY THE BILLS< ALL OF THEM, I ask him to shop he has severe milk intolerance, and wants his own food, so I give him money to do my shopping, b**** b**** b**** is all he comes up with about shopping, why can't I help. The barbiturate thing I promised my doctor I wouldn't drive to much or to far is why/ earlier in life id just ignore these requests, Now I want to become stable . Anxiety attacks are one of the hardest things to come down from, besides control. Cutting the grass regularly ...is out sight of mind, feeding or wild life ( that these creatures depend on because we love them is all but forgotten) I had knee surgery because I tore my meniscus , getting on ladders or step up is a tricky thing esp on barbiturates. Dishes are an ongoing issue (is this circle of disaster making any sense to any of you, plus the seriousness of it all?) I might as well be alone, which I was not meant to be, These minute things= to help unload my self from things I hate= is way to much to expect or ask, because I don't participate in this at all. How easy can a person besides a man have it, a friend, lover and care giver wanting a few tasks done, to make the outcome a little less, ( me being used ) feeling. Now we have the chemical from hell which he has found makes him unable to fulfill these requests or help./ I need for him to hate me so bad that if and when I call ems, or put him out his hate will over rule the even thought of calling me again.. We went thru this for lesser reasons before, infidelity also leaves inner scars. Trying to keep a breast of working things out, is far to hard for him so the chemical has arrived. This is not written to insult, degrade, or humiliate this person , I love and understand his problems as I wish he could see I've been on that same ride, but I finally sub missed to help. Baggage from dysfunctional family's is an ongoing process, you just don't quit and start up again..that is redundant and not healthy. So im showing you the dynamics of my personal situation, MONEY no problem, Home no problem. Vehicles no problem, I just want a peaceful as possible life with a past of addiction to manipulation.. That is a BIG issue to work on.. He chooses to smoke and become a zombie here, because it's his safe house...I'm the enabler.. So lets look a the choices, I don't want to choose any but am being forced into action of warfare I do not want. I appreciate your feed back but it's not the feedback that is the most important in my case, It's the PLAIN honest to gawd truth as I witness= to add to the people dealing with this substance from hell As I chimed back in It's Chemical Warfare for he weak, meaning ANYONE form any place in society, country, or anywhere to tempt. FAILING is the biggest option THIS DRUG has to offer. And it is absolutely a dangerous substance wrapped in a pretty pleasing to the eye and pleasant sounding to the ear for relief of whatever it is your dealing with.. WRONG=It's Chemical Warfare for the weak of mind if you even touch this crap,== you are aware there are to many people in the world, some would believe, and Doctors do need more business, drug abuse centers want your money, and society wants you to fail so they have someone new to call the scum of earth. Take me on..but be careful, I'm not stupid. im very sad and anger is to much baggage to carry around, so just lets leave it at sad.. the users can act out the anger, isn't what this is all about? it sure does sound like some kind of mind trickery to me. peace...and great sadness, for us all dealing wih this substance. | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 3:47 PM
hi DAC
I've been clean for about two months now..and i'm struggling every day because everything seems so scary ..i have some anxiety issues for a couple years from bad friends who thought that if i am in a weak spot its ok to step on you ..thats one of the reasons why i stopped everything at once ..because i got tired of people hurting me at will .ILL SHOW THEM WHOS DANNY:)) About your focus on the past ...i know it very well ..but the mind is built in a way that if you think it over and over IT GROWS in to a bad image of yourself that you cultivate every day ,its like we fell in a hole and what we do over and over again is to think why i didn't saw the hole and beating ourselves up for being to weak to go around it and so on ---instead try to focus yourself on getting out of it ...and focus yourself on the future ..on plans that you would like to do..and don't do it just for yourself do it for your family ..you sound like a very intelligent man dont let them win ...Dont get me wrong im in the same place like you ...by writing these words i'm actually telling myself the same and hopefully will get stronger every day and ill find new ways for healing and joy from life .im grateful for every word that people write here because it gives me a little time to not feel alone in this disease .. THX & GN | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 4:28 PM
hang in there people .... try and find some peace in your own minds even if it's fleeting, try and find some calm, breathe, be still with yourselves. . try.
don't smoke, and then heal your minds, or wait for them to heal themselves . . the mind is a clever thing, it can mend itself, but you have to be kind to it and give it calm. . try to anyway. funny what you say about blood pressure and tearing your meniscus - SNAP! I need to cut out caffeine. I am under so much stress, and the waves come at me. I am hoping that by the end of October I will be in a better place, but I don't know if I will, i'm just hoping. At the moment it's all stress, and me trying to stay calm and get on towards the end of October. I think i'm 6 months clean of synthetic now, it seems like a bad memory. Tog. | ||
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 25, 2013, 5:52 PM
im sorry I ramble on so much. I tore my meniscus, I have anxiety issues, my coffee consumption is almost nil to bariatric surgery on the horizon.
It's my boyfriend, the SMJane user with high blood pressure and is a total coffee drinker, with adding this substance and his comedowns it's absolutely horrible. He's been up and off 4 times in 6 months, sicker than I have ever seen someone. Yet not sick enough to quit when the next batch arrives. It's good to know some people have the light shining once again off of this stuff. Were not even close to any light yet, nor do I foresee one on the horizon. He starts the awful cough, and immed runs for another hit, he knows what's in store, and might be a tad ashamed. Shame is nothing compared to watching someone die, and I believe in my heart he has no respect while smoking this, he has no feeling what so ever if he dies in front of me. That is what this stuff is, I tried it once and hated the feeling It's not POT. This stuff breeds sick conclusions, and excuses more than anything I've been around. This round it's been 5 days of more comatose and zombie actions, than not...the really scary thing is , once he feels the slightest arousal of memory, he's off to take another hit.. I guess I have just had it..He wants me to just shut the f up, and let him be... so where do I stand in this daily consumption of hell, he's addicted too. Where= at the bottom in his mind...enter sarcasm oh how wonderful to be at someone's s hit heap, hoping I can believe he's done with it today, opps no tomorrow, oh i'm sorry maybe 3 days. I'm so done...and yet I permit it to go one...The life of this enabler is coming to a close fast...He's now just lighting up in my face in defiance...what a sick web of a relationship we've spun.. And the Spider has it's hooks in him and has become is cocoon of solace.. cry/ And you may question the drama...lol it's to sick to be real, Yet this is real and dramatic as it comes, because this stuff wants it that way, and everyone can vouch the drama exists in real life for all involved with a user.. be it u the user or a loved one. -=sad=- | ||
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Posted: August 25, 2013, 6:20 PM
iriquoi
Keep pouring it out. It will help you, and it will help others. You are working through your options and trying to find a solution. That is better than simply just tolerating it! I want to enable YOU. Give you some options. The person you loved is going to be drastically changed while smoking the synthetic. You need to talk to him sober to really reach him. Is this impossible? Not if you are the one buying it... If he is that confused , just arrange a 'mistake' when ordering it , or when the package gets there 'misplace' it and make him think it was his own foggy memory to blame. You could stage a 'theft' of your purse and have to cancel your credit cards for a time and you could probably make him go at least a week or even more without anything to smoke. You could easily say the site you bought from was corrupted and that you have to cancel your cards for that reason as well. That was you could say you dont want to trust these 'questionable' sources on the internet... Resin will not do the trick with the synthetic so he would need the actual thing to satisfy his habit. Make sure you clean up all the old bags! If you could get him away for a week or two you might be able to tell him you are through with buying it for him and make some headway. If you are talking to him in his daze you will get no where and have to hope he just gets tired of it. This might never happen. If he is clean for a week or so he will be angry, depressed, and volatile. But he will also be full of regret and more sensitive in this state. Risky tricks to pull, not saying they are solutions, but all I can come up with, Others will tell you to just kick him to the curb but that doesnt sound like that is what you want to do. So I am just offering my wierd solutions! tog Great to hear from you. I hope your move is getting to feel more normal. What's the big stressor right now? Hopefully it isnt the girlfriend. If you can survive the madness of the past 6 months and keep your relationship together you can conquer anything! It has to get better! At least that is what I keep telling myself...but then again what is the alternative - more smoking? Keep sticking it out, you've done much better than I have at staying away from the synthetic. Danny I always seemed to hit a spot around the two month mark where I had trouble with staying away. I think I was in a sort of cycle and at the low end of the cycle I would go back to smoking which would just keep me in said cycle indefinately. We all went to the MJ and eventually synthetic for reasons that preceeded drug use. I write so much to try and uncover as much of this as possible. I feel I have made some inroads into better understanding myself but I still have bad days. They just dont seem as extreme as they once were. so keep at it! Andy It was kind of quiet here while you were gone. I dont know if your post had anything to do with all the traffic , but I think it helps when there is good conversation to read. I think it gets others to respond and chime in! Posts from both you and tog in the same day! Very cool!! This post has been edited by DAC on August 25, 2013, 6:23 PM | ||
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 25, 2013, 9:02 PM
misunderstanding I don't buy this for him he uses his disability checks for this awesome trip to hell.
i'm the enabler for letting him have a safe place to do it, and thus protecting him...He's coming down, I told him that I truly believe in my heart, not just for him but for all users of this crap is to find a place of your own, even a cheap motel room and keep away from other people for them not to have to watch this SELFISH act of destruction.. He had me believing it was just like POT...OK after the 3rd batch I became acutely aware that this a horror one has become addicted to., and for all others involved the user must be on their own away from the roost..all it is does is cause way too way too much tears and heartache.. | ||
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 25, 2013, 9:04 PM
duh many*
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 26, 2013, 12:47 AM
I reread some of your postings..I knew I was done with the real mj the day it became indoor grown..The paranoia was just to hard for me to handle, I quit cold turkey, at least 14 eyears ago..
My boyfriend had been clean for 5 years until looking this stuff up on the net. The person talking about cycles, he says the same thing. Going numb is not the answer to hide away from anything. Taking counseling with a grain of salt is the worst INSULT you can do to yourself. You must trust and open up, no matter how hard. You may repeat counseling over and over, but not opening up is just as bad as the cycle of the addiction and why it came to be. Low self esteem runs rampant in our past childhoods, he knows how bad I had it and still suffer the consequences of an addiction to seeking out manipulative people. That being said. We have been on some rocky roads and even quit the friendship lover partnership before...Him doing this is drug is the exact same feeling, but syn has taken the place of womanizing. I mean quitting your bipolar meds for this crap was insanity, to hate oneself so much to hurt others around you is the ultimate selfish act.. Where's compassion, empathy, standing right in front of him while he's numb..This hurts me so bad, he's so numb he can't hurt...where is the sense or the compassion from him.. This substance does not play on a fair field..and when the field is cleared of debris he is sulking and back not even to step one in recovery.. Where does it end, for the people who love you??? How much we understand but can't carry on when our own issues take a backward step. Growing and stunting oneself has got to stop at a point.. I'm scared, lonely, unhappy and hurting for him..I have my own hurts to heal, they don't go away they have to be tended to.. I'm just sick with watching one slip away cause I'm not so strong anymore from pulling him back up, and he keeps finding ways to slip again...it's been over 10 years now.. Is their enough pity for all of us that have to deal with either a user, or be the user..Think really hard before you light that (back to square one numb factor you seek solace in) there is no solace for your loved ones.. Happy numbing...I'm just so unhappy to have to deal with this issue..(it's not fair, not wise, has no room for company, no room for caring, no room for anything but selfish nodding) | ||
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Posted: August 26, 2013, 10:03 AM
iriquoi
So sorry you have to deal with this particular drug. Depending on the brand he smokes it could be 20-800 times as strong as MJ in terms of how much THC it has in it. I hear you talk of bad childhood experiences, low self esteem, and the desire to connect deeply with those around you. You have come through your own experiences and are ready to move on. Unfortunately he has to reach the same point you have to make this happen. Think of it as growing up, a maturation that occurs over time that makes you realize that drugs are brick wall keeping you from breaking through to what can really heal you. However, some people just like banging their head against the wall though. They dont care if they break through - they just like the numb feeling they get from damaging their brain. I have been there, may still be there someday, so I am not judging. Just making a weak attempt to analogize what I see has happened in my own life. I think sensitive people have it the worst. We desire to connect, to share, but worst of all we look for encouragement and moral support from those we love. I know I can sense someone who is hurting and will do whatever I can to ease their pain. So when I am obviously hurting, crying out if you will, wanting those close to me to take a notice it hurts even more when they dont respond. Before my bout with the synthetic I was able to cover these pains. Or maybe I was just not as sensitive to these pains and the synthetic just made me much more aware of these needs. I shared, I opened up, I was really wanting feedback as to what those around me thought of these connections I was making at the time.....I got nothing...nothing but disappointment and this in turn increased my desire to have something - anything to quiet or numb what I was feeling. Drugs affect people differently. I was much more social, talkative, and willing to reveal anything while under the influence. But it only scared those who knew me and they didnt reciprocate the openness and honesty. In fact, they shut me out more and talked amongst themselves to figure out what was wrong. While smoking I just tried harder to reach them. Now sober I am very offensive and short with people at times if they do things to remind me of last year. I unfortunately have discovered a real talent in the insult - especially in the moment. I think it is because I have been hurt so much by dis-interest that I take pleasure in rubbing their noses in it when they get things wrong. You see, when high I CRAVED encouragement . Sober , I accept they wont give it so I try to achieve things to spite them. Sadly, if you want the God's honest truth that is the only reason I ever achieved so much earlier in life. I got tired of the mental bullying , and wanted to prove them wrong! Got tired of no one believing in me - so I wanted to be successful to spite them! Not a very noble motive to have... But that is where I stand right now. I wrote some 70 pages of material similiar to what I have put here and shared with several people in my life last year.....no comment. Nothing good, nothing bad, it was like either they didnt read it - or just didnt care. If one of my children, or if even someone I knew, poured out so much in such a short time I would definitely pay attention. I would ask questions, engage them in conversation, and stay connected with them! But no one did this for me....it hurt...and in defiance I did the worst thing I could have possibly done - I turned to smoking for solace, almost like a friend, to numb the pain I no longer wanted to face alone. A mistake, I am not making excuses, but here in this forum I explore my motives without fear of rejection, because so many of you have felt the same things I have felt.....and still feel! Thats why I write so much to people I dont know. Thats why I tell very personal jokes on a stage from time to time in front of complete strangers. THEY RESPOND! Whether good or bad at least its better than being ignored. It also helps cover the reality that if I didnt call and keep touch with people close to me I would probably never hear from them at all! I actually told some people very close to me just recently to stop telling me they love me. I said you say you love me, but you just dont like, or want to talk to me, or hear from me, or be around me - so take your love and shove it up your a**! I would love to scapegoat a drug for these feelings. But sadly, this is me completely sober. I have felt this way most of my life. There are people in my life who did this too me as a child and I have to avoid them now. I would go off way too easily. It's like confronting the bully who took your lunch money as a kid, beat you up , and made fun of you making your life miserable. Only now you see how pathetically weak he really is. The combination of moral outrage, combined with a NEED to stand up to the bully makes it way to desirable punch said bully in the nose (figuratively of course). The really sad thing for me? When I am with my kids and can be completely free to be me? Almost constant smiles and laughter. We went out for dinner after church yesterday at applebees and we were the loud table. People were looking at us - not in a bad way, but out of curiousity because we were laughing so much! It's like the kids get me....but the adults see something else.....If my peers were there they would have given me looks of concern and I would have been compelled to blurt out "NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS".....and that would have ruined the mood for everyone!! Sorry for going on so long. I ramble even when I dont want to.....but it helps! Thanks for reading. This post has been edited by DAC on August 26, 2013, 10:10 AM | ||
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 26, 2013, 3:40 PM
we have so much in common emotionally, though I have weeded out people I know are Tocix to me , be it family, friends, whatever. I find simple pleasure in everyday contacts and make silly comments everywhere I go..If I need a a set time to be with friends to finally be me, what is that all about? I love just to have encounters thru daily visits wherever I might be, some people respond others have their own agenda..
I have never been able to have kids, you are so blessed to have a small group of little people watching dad and how he handles life with them as their role model. What more is need in a social atmosphere.. It's day 2 boyfriend is down. I have given him 3 choices, 1. if he feels the need to use again I will call ems when he's zombie like, 2. if he feels the need to use again we will immed get him a motel room for his own pleasure, he I not going to use the roost as his safe place, 3. we end our thing and go our separate ways. He's using something called Mister kosh one found on some site he's been using. I have my own addictions from a dysfunctional family and been thru self abuse and abuse counseling, but how do you protect someone from choosing the wrong people because they fit the criteria of what you have been use to 3/4 of you life.. He is also addict to the raising of his blood pressure as a rush.. It's not only outside substances we can find our self addicted to it's stuff already within ourselves do to our up bringing and habits. Lol im living a life I was to scared to participate in the 80's I have a very wild hair cut, but cool and there are some that think it's very cool... this is my middle finger outlet. I have one of the best black stylist in the whole area I live, he's a superb colorist, and stylist, and im white...black girls can where these styles cause its in their immed realm...now me... If you look at me once ...ok..it's understandable, look at me twice may be curiosity Stare at me and the hair says FO you POS cause I don't care what you think, you shallow human being. It's my way of saying something without opening my mouth. Iv'e moved on with the helping others, I will when I know and feel it is needed...but if asked I think it over..Hidden agendas I have no protection against. I liked reading your post...I could and can relate..except for the blessing of kids. They are just little people needing a real big person to follow and get direction from...the Applebee's trip was something like my hair..have fun, be kind, do not harm but take no s hit..<3 | ||
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Posted: August 26, 2013, 6:43 PM
I am so glad I found this website. I am currently suffering from the synth addiction. My boyfriend has been on probation for 6 years and 3 years ago he was offered a sample at a smoke shop for "tribal" incense. WORST MISTAKE EVER! We call it "stuff" so for me thats what I will be using to refer to it. We started like most other people, young kids thinking oh cool it's like legal pot. Over the course of the years it has pretty much been a rollercoaster of doing better and then relapsing. i can also relate to the no sleep thing. I've never experienced anything so insane..its like clockwork every 2 hours were up hitting it a few times just to go back to sleep. When it first started a lot of my friends were doing it too, and then less, and then only a few. My opinion though, all of my friends are able to smoke marijuana freely as they please. To me it feels like they never got hooked because it wasn't their only option. When I met him, i was still smoking pot with his friends on occasion but I decided to quit because I felt bad doing it around him. We were doing great until we started the stuff back in 2010. We recently quit for good back in February but I was smoking pot behind his back to cope and he found out about it and almost left me and then we relapsed and here we are today. The urgency is what is so hard for me to deal with, its like if i don't get high right now the world is gonna end. We're both addictive people but I have never been hooked on something like this. I have the night sweats, bad nightmares sometimes, and I don't know if anyone else experienced this but I noticed that it made my body odor so much worse, and it really messed up his stomach and gave him acid reflux. We saw the signs but we just needed that escape so bad that it didn't matter how far drove our lives into the ground. I will be 24 hours sober at bedtime and everytime it is the worst 24 hours of my life. All day I've been thinking, no way to get more, crying, angry, irritable etc.
As far as i know there have been no attempts to completely ban it where I live, we still can buy it in the smoke shop. i really wish they would ban it because the temptation would not be there anymore. He gets off probation next month so we've considered smoking pot but were not sure yet. I just need hope that this battle will get easier, i didn't want to do the rehab option because I know together we can support each other we just have to stop enabling each other to relapse. | ||
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Posts: 10
Joined: August 24, 2013
Posted: August 26, 2013, 8:35 PM
I can't give any kind of advise to you Tina but do the time , no matter how hard, how awful, how much crying , whatever it takes. I am not the user in my situation.
I know what pot is like, I smoked pot for many years until the home grown appeared, than opps that is enough for me. I relapsed a few times but hated it..Had a little fun but the headaches I started to have weren't worth the time. As with any addiction, some carrying on for years, this one you can eliminate because it was by choice you light up. Some addictions are already a part of our physical/mental makeup those are the addictions which are the hardest to overcome , why because it's part of out being. example= Low self esteem..that's an addiction (well it turns in to an addiction because of the obsessive time we think about it) Am I making any sense. This is my opinion on the subject because it crosses paths with the substances we try to find to eliminate this feeling. This type of addiction follows you around and has to be tended to constantly, sometimes having to settle for less, than relief. This is a very hard world to live in mentally, there's alcohol, cigs, various types of addictions people deal with everyday. Most likely trying to hide or prevent something in their lives. It's a struggle, but in my case one worth all the tending I must do for my self, why? because I am afraid to die, to end it all. There is still simple beauty in this world, but we have wired ourselves so tight we can't see of feel it. hoping you find something I might have wrote have a tad of hope for your situation. This stuff is POISON, like going down to the gas station and getting anti freeze to drink or kill your pet. Really what is the difference. Or the alchol easily obtained for those dying of liver damage..ERVERYTHING you ingest filters thru your liver..and there isn't enough information on SYn to let people know the final countdown. Aren't you felling a tad like a lab animal knowing this??..we live in a sick society made by people...the real stuff is the beauty that surrounds you, People come into that frame when you grasp the beauty of life before your eyes. Otherwise we succumb way to easily to the pitfalls Man has provided. and syn weed is one of them. | ||
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Posted: August 26, 2013, 9:35 PM
I just read this about this article on the huff post , "cocaine rewires brain, Overrides decision-making after just one use, says study"
Even though the article is about cocaine , it actually can be applied to other drugs as well. Especially unknown and untested drugs like synthetic weed. Researchers have revealed that some drugs actually re-wire the brain after long-term use. But in the experiment they ran with they were alarmed to prove the brain was actually altered after just one dose (with cocaine). After just one dose, researchers found substantial growth in dendritic spines that connect neurons and influence decision making. According to the researchers, these new dendritic spines rewire the brain to seek out cocaine, explaining why the search for the drug might override other priorities in human users. They have long known that in repeated drug users, the search for drugs tends to dominate your attention and decision making. They did several experiments to prove this and also had viewed the dendrites under a microscope to validate their theories. They concluded what most of us already know from experience - that drug use will dominate what drug users think about. It is a physical change which makes it so hard to get away. The frontal cortex regulates decision making and , as we grow up, we make decisions in an increasingly habitual manner. So Tina when you talk about the hell the first 24 hours are for a long-term user - this helps explain it a little. But the moral of the story really isnt anything new. The more you use a drug , the stronger its hold on you. With the synthetic, if it indeed grows spines from the dendrites in a way similiar to cocaine, combine this with the also proven knowledge that it will cause the death of neurons as well. So not only are you creating stronger pathways with continued use, you are killing off the 'good' cells as well. This will just increase the habituation effect and really make it hard to make a break. But all the news is not bad. The brain will grow new cells, and new dendritic spines. It takes time , but the mind can heal itself. The depression, the PAWS, are caused from the cells wanting the drug being deprived in combination with the new cells not having healthy habits yet to reward themself. This is why it is important to combine good, healthy habits along with the cessation of the drug itself. In time , we will heal! This post has been edited by DAC on August 26, 2013, 9:36 PM | ||
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Posted: August 26, 2013, 10:37 PM
Yeah we didn't make it today..we went and got it again as soon as he got home from work, But we will try try again until we succeed!
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