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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 6, 2014, 5:01 AM
day10.sleep patterns same.2-3 hours in catnaps at night.flu symptons easing up but still present.appetite is slowly comn back.stayn hydrated.the lack of energy is annoying but hoping
will improve as im able to eat more.staying positive and focus helps ease the cravings.just one day at a time.slow and steady.im almost past the worst of the wds and ready for my future challenges ahead. | ||
Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 7, 2014, 2:52 PM
Wow.
Nice thread, dude. I can see the strength in you. Very impressive. I'm much like you. Btw, I'm five days out from a perc / heroin thing. I'm strong as hell. I once kicked with a couple grams of dope in my drawer. On about day ten, I flushed it. Do we get credit for all those heroic efforts at getting clean? Nope. Doesn't mean a thing. Just memories. Just a string of choices that are in the past and therefore have no bearing on anything in the here and now. I believe that. Right now is all there is. And it is all there will ever be. So I'm making a conscious decision to try to live in the here and now. Can I learn from my memories? Yes. That, I believe is their only value. Does it pay to rehash a string of bad decisions? No. Look at it for what it is and try to learn from it and move on. There's some people on here who "get it". You can tell by reading their posts. Unfortunately, there are others who continually struggle and you can see that too. I'm sixty years old, I got strung-out on China White back in S.E. Asia during the war. And I've struggled with probably twenty separate addictive phases since then. Maybe more. Does any of it matter? Nope. just memories. But there is a vast opportunity to learn. Many lessons to draw upon. I made a choice yesterday. I choose to live in the here and now. I also choose to be more aware of my decisions. I also choose to try to push those few bad decisions I occasionally make to the right rather than the wrong decision. We all know the difference. I am sure that just a little push in that direction will change my life! There's my two cents. Good luck to you, my friend. Mark | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 7, 2014, 4:55 PM
first off congrats.give yourself credit where credit is due.honestly the heroic efforts you refer to only help ourselves.i dont like being seen in public knowing im 10 lbs underweight.I stay in shape and 10 lbs is the difference between cheekbones and broad shoulders and just looking and feeling like a hatrack. i normally pass it off as im running too much and not able to keep up with my calories or too much stress between work and school and use poor sleep patterns to cover up for the weight loss.i know im not fooling anybody but myself.getting myself back definitely makes me feel good about myself, but at the same time i shouldnt put myself in the position to get anything back because I shouldnt be losing anything.you sound much stronger than i and ur experience is twice mine.I completely understood ur whole post.and thanks.I do consider myself strong, but I know for a fact i have so much i dont use.I am my own worst enemy.I am my most trusted advisor.I havnt let myself down yet,of course im gona slip and stumble but Ive always been there to pick me up.Im a drug addict and awfully good at it.I never say Im quitting forever.I never tried to quit forever.just long enough till I achieved what i wanted then go on a temporary leave of abscence.that way i dont feel Im doing anything wrong when i use.think its my day 12.eating more feeling much better.cough and runny nose slowing down.only thing im wanting is more than the average of 3 a night in catnaps.all in all so far so good.hope you continue to keep up.thanks for the recognition on the posts.its cool others benefit as well.typing all that definitely helped me.
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 7, 2014, 8:10 PM
I feel you.
But let me share something with you. I've toyed with the devil my entire adult life. As, it seems you have. But I believe that at some point, if we continue, the devil gets his due. As they say. For me, and I guess for every junkie, at some point it becomes a question of life or death. Indeed many pass on never even recognizing that this question was before them. But I assure you, that is the question you must ultimately answer. I'm only still here by some very long odds and quirk of fate. Or some other reason I cannot fathom. On New Years day last week at four in the morning, I finally, at long last, was confronted with the question of life or death. The choice I made is obvious since I'm sitting here typing. But I must tell you it was close. Like 49 to 51 in favor of life. This cycle of addiction and kicking wears on you in ways we don't understand. And it always gets harder, never easier. My friend, you must start by simply being grateful for this incredible gift of life we have been given. I see too much of myself in you. That is not good. I wish I could help but sadly, I can only control my own thoughts and actions. I have no illusion that I have any control over anyone but myself. I used to think I did, but I was wrong. Life or death. It'll come down to that sooner or later... if you're lucky. Best wishes, Love, Mark | ||
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 7, 2014, 8:58 PM
Here's a little gift I'll share with you all.
Do yourself a favor and go to you tube and look up Gratitude HD-moving art. Check it out. | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 8, 2014, 11:30 AM
Your wisdom and own experiences are greatly valued.thank you.Consistency is what gets a person where they wana be. Nothn happens over night except the color of the sky.The learning to be happy and gratefull for I have part is exactly true.Honestly Ive done decent for myself.I thought long and hard about this before.As of right now I can list more positive things I ve got going for me than negative but yet still am not happy.I feel its where I should be.Im doing what im suspose too.So theres no happiness.i give myself a simple "told you so" and face my next challenge.Im fully aware of what im capable of so in my head whenevr i make an achievement im not impressed.fortunately my job is flexible and decent paying so I can go to school as well.outside of drug use Im ok.Such a good addict that stopping and starting when I want depending on if I can get away with it without sacrificing an excellent reputation.The better I can control my use the longer I can continue to use.Im single and live by myself.I never take the time to think about how my use affect others.Why should I? We all have our issues and weaknesses.How I affect others while Im sorting out my issues is the least of my worries.If it was the other way around it would be the same.Thats a horrible line of thinking.I know.We live in a cold world.I do have compassion dont get me wrong.Selfishness is the main quality trait of addicts.Addicts are professional con artists.so good I can con myself and Ive never let anybody con me,except me.all in all I will always b OK.Im not scared.just tired of my own cycles and am continually try to break them.and will always keep trying.I have to.I wont let myself go to far and welcome the challenge of getting back.
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 8, 2014, 3:29 PM
I wouldn't be so sure that nothing of consequence can happen in a day.
In any case, that sounds like an honest appraisal. And, it was me in my thirties. I was Single, had a good job, new car, nice digs, dating hot young women. I'd take 'em to New Orleans for the weekend; we'd stay at the Royal Sonesta right there on Burbon Street, or fly down to Cancun for a few days on the beach, snow skiing in the winter, you name it. I've always excelled in life with little or no effort. I'm not bragging, I'm saying I was too lazy to put forth the effort. Besides, whatever intellect I may have was given to my by the creator, I had nothing to do with it. So anyway, there I am in my thirties partying to the fullest! When I think back to that decade in my life, I'd estimate that probably at least once a year I'd go on about a thirty day binge with pain pills. I thought I had everything under control. I planned my withdrawals perfectly - I could kick on a three day weekend and be back to work on Tuesday. I was living in Houston at the time and had no family for hundreds of miles, so I didn't have to worry about one of them knocking at my door. If I happened to be dating a girl at the time, I just wouldn't answer the phone or the door. If she didn't like it, who cares? My life was one big party bus and I was the driver! It was pedal to the metal! I was controlling every detail in my life. Or so I thought. It turns out my life was totally out of control! I was like 99% off the track. I only held the frayed corners of my life together by maybe 1%. I can see that plain as day now. But back then, I'd tell you I was having a good time, I was in control, and screw you for putting your nose in my business anyway. Get out the way of this here bus! And just for that I'll go get a script and chill for a month or so. I deserve it. It's been like nine months since that last binge. It's not like I'm an addict. I've proven I can just put the s*** down any time I want and return to a drug free life. I could take it or leave it. It's not like I was a junkie for Christ sake! I managed forty people! I was as responsible as a preacher. I drove a BMW and owned a two story home in the historic Houston Heights that was built in 1926 and was about two blocks from Kathy Whitmire's house, the Mayor of Houston. Don't even be talking about out of control to me, fool! If I felt like it, I could just go the rest of my life without another opiate. One of these days I would. Since my addict brain told me I could walk away from it any time I wanted, I might as well just keep on keeping on. Because it DID feel good!!! We all like to feel good, don't we? You like to feel good just as much as I do. I know damn well you do! Never mind you've never abused drugs. That just tells me you don't know what you're missing! Besides, you might be one of those weak minded people that get strung-out and never quit, so you'd best steer clear of opiates and leave that little piece of Heaven for guys like me who were in complete control. Yup, that was me. This post has been edited by MainlyMark on January 8, 2014, 3:40 PM | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 8, 2014, 6:51 PM
minus the beamer, im a 4x4 guy.and the trips outa country granted lack of passport but all in all thats where im at...busted.you called that one too close to exact. whats ironic.this is somewhere around my day14 or 15.back to work and school goin to the gym and running.still havn a hard time increasing calories but itll come back.Just got off a 4 month binge.Before that I had about 6 months clean.Chased goals that were less than what I got now got more than i was hoping.Did great.since i was doing so well i knew id be just as good if not better on percs.so the cycle started.Only stopped because my tolerance increased so much so fast.If it wasnt for work and school and me being me id be so far gone i might not even want to come back.Thats one reason why i HAVE to do good.I perform so much better sober.I feel the difference in every different come down.within the last two years Ive put more thought into quitting for longer.Im definitely more sober in the last 5 years than Ive been since i was 12.While on a sober binge I set myself up with chasing a degree and flexible job that supported it.And was on percocet first day of class.how sad.looking back very disapointed in my disregard of what i had.ungratefulness.lack of respect.and shame.which i wouldve lost it all if i wouldnt of stopped this last time.i was feeling myself doing worse.forgetting simple things which snowball.etc.so i did.easy? absolutely not.Dont want to repeat the cycle.will I? probably, but hopefully not.If i say yes im a druggy and if i say no im a liar.so...yes.Im doing the best ive ever done right now in all aspects of my life.school,work,house/truck.why would i be so ungrateful and jeapordize it all with just only 1 perc 30 up the nose.its only one.Real mature.thats what i do.sober typing this im ashamed.reading your posts, Im seeing the future.No disrespct at all toward you.only gratitude.I just had to type this before i did anything else due to you being able to read me like a book through syntax.
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 8, 2014, 8:40 PM
Keep up the good work. I'm barely six days clean... No sleep last night. And I HAVE to have my sleep!
So I went to my own private doc. today and he fixed me up, so blessed sleep tonight! This one is turning out to be just as bad a kick as any I've ever had. I really am getting too old for this. The truth be told, so are you. Each time it get's harder. Believe that! I'm always in a very fragile and vulnerable state for a couple weeks after I kick, so forgive me if I lag once in a while responding. These posts sometimes take a toll on me, especially in the early days. Mind racing, dissecting details of where I went wrong and all that. Live in the moment, try to be aware , and try to make a good decision every day where you might not before. I'm glad we connected. M | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 10, 2014, 1:47 AM
got a little more than two weeks off percs.not sure exactly how many days anymore without actually thinking about it.gotten awful busy.got goals.still moving foward.sleep pattern is still next to non existant but has improved.still not able to eat a lot but eating more.energy is improving.i feel more comfortable being amongst society.slowly but surely everythings is improving.the way i have my goals setup therez no room for percs.no room for failure.i have to see what all i can actually do.gota stay positive.be mindful of my association.stay focused.
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 10, 2014, 11:15 AM
That all sounds very good. Really, very good.
You are doing all the right things physically. I went in a grocery store yesterday (had to). Avoided eve contact with every body, the neon lights bathed everytrhing in a strange glow, the whole thing was surrealistic. I know from experience that my irises are still opened a little too far for the ambient lighting conditions. I can see it in the mirror. That should subside in a day or two. I could write a manual on all the various stages of both acute withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal syndromes.... Sadly, I went out and installed a large motor yesterday on a pump. Multimillion dollar house. The daughter now lives there, Her dad was a PBY flyer in the pacific in WWII, he and I used to sit and discuss the wars we were in, great guy. He died and left his his millions and his house to his middle aged daughter. After I fixed her pump, I showed another key part of the system that is preparing to catastrophically fail soon and will ruin both the motor I just installed and the other one. I gave her a choice, fix the filter for something over a grand, or wait till it fails and then the bill will be over $2500. She's a whiner and I was in NO mood. I told her "lady, I don't break things, I just notice problems and fix things, and I'm a very good noticer." "I showed you the problem, now it's up to you", and I left. I called later and explained I'm not feeling well and apologized for being short with her. I really am a nice guy. But even on my best day, I have little patience for these multimillionaire tight-a** whiners.. There's not many. Most just say fix it, whatever, and hand me a check. But back to you, Kudos for getting out there and exercising. That's huge for your recovery! Really, your pride, your stamina, help heal your brain, all of it. But remember one thing, you and I and everybody who reads this and everybody who doesn't read this have one thing in common; We all like pleasure. Us addicts have got to be prepared for the day when confronted with the choice of whether to use a drug to give us that needed pleasure or not. Non-addicts just play with their kids, or go to a movie, or walk in the park or do a jigsaw puzzle or any of millions of things that give them pleasure. NA helps millions. Do you attend meetings? | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 10, 2014, 7:18 PM
no i dont attend meetings between work and school i dont have the time or the desire to go.i know i should.i know im an addict.just cause im not using dont make me any better.im always just one line up the nose away from disaster.when im doing good and feeling arrogant i ll start back up again.it always starts small and ends painfully physically and mentally.i know the cycle.the triggers.i know the game.so why do i go back?because i can.im selfish,prideful,spitefull,greedy,impatient.and many other things.i have a hard time with acceptance.always wanting more and never content with whati got.always in my head i can do better.this go around all i can do is try harder.remembering where ive been and looking where i am going.definetely have to watch my association.which i was doing good on but yeah....didnt turn out so well.i ll try again.this is my first go round with the message board and that helped enourmously.hoping my thread will help others out as everybody elses helpd me.its easy making it to the top.its the consistency of staying there is the challenge.hope this finds u feeling and doing better than yesterday.
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 10, 2014, 9:21 PM
"Today is pretty much like yesterday. I don't really make strides day to day. But each Monday I'll assess and say "yes, I feel much better than last Monday".
That's how it goes for me these days. Remember I was lecturing about living in the moment and making the right decisions, especially the ones we know amount to something? Well, I just got a call from a girl I've dated on and off for about a year. She's 27 and if she's not a 10, then she's surely a nine. Honestly, a real beauty. Anyway, she's been addicted to perc 30's since long before I met her since she was in a car wreck that required all kinds of hardware in her ankle.. I was clean of course. I pushed her in the right direction, but I know it's always been her decision. She finally went the subutex route and took the last little of that two weeks ago. She lives in an abusive situation and said... She just walked in, more later. | ||
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 11, 2014, 1:49 AM
it's mow five hours later,I took her to my doc for a horrible ear ache, then to the pharmacy and eat at Subway (her, not me). Five hours of anxiety for me. That's just where I'm at.
Not sure she understands. I guess the subutex route was a cake walk for her. I told her regardless her brain isn't healed yet, Far from it. She's watching tv and I'm here with ear phones on listening to Andrea Boceli. All her belongings are in her car parked outside. She moves in in the morning. I have to go change the sheets and put my dirty laundry in a plastic bag. I hadn't bothered since day one of my withdrawal, so lets just say unpleasant. Really don't know how this will work out. She professes she's never loved anyone as wonderful as me, I'm so strong and I'm so smart and all the usual talk. Talk's cheap. I like her a lot and I could look at her for hours. Maybe I'll learn to love her too. Probly the next week will tell. I told her NO tolerance for ANYTHING containing opiates in this house or her body!! She told the doc everything, I made sure of that. My sex drive is back in spades as of yesterday (tmi?) But the lethargy and running out of gas early in the afternoon will stay with me for a while. Not sure she knows what she's in for. We'll see. There is a rule in NA of one year minimum before any romantic entanglements. That may be fine for a thirty or forty or even a fifty year old. I ain't got a year to waste. Not a minute, really. So there. M | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 11, 2014, 3:27 AM
actually i think thats quite a logical decision.not a bad choice at all.hope it all works out.sounds like theres lots of potential for both of you.and sex that early in ur wds is impressive.and if u could have sex then u could of made urself eat some subway.damn.whatever happend to priorities?oh well but i digress...since i quit this last time my assciation has completely changed.it had too.now im almost too busy for anything other than my goals.thats the way i have to keep it.still the only thing im lacking is my sleep patterns.flu symptons r gone.slowly getn strength and size back.eating more and more each day.all in all good progress.very content with my new decisions.every now and then i ll think about a perc but its dismissed rather quick due to the consequences.due to my work schedule i have bouta 4month window just to well....whatever i want.when i can no longer enjoy my high with a good conscience its time to stop.in reality im a month to possibly two months ahead of my normal cycle so thats always nice to think about as well.its gettn late.on one of my days off on the weekend i have a 4 hour class.plus my work and classes during the week.its only for two saturdays in january.its just...well sobering.i may get little sleep but i do rest when i can.
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Posts: 6300
Joined: May 27, 2005
Posted: January 11, 2014, 9:09 AM
Just one comment..nothing changes if nothing changes.
-------------------- १२ सà¥à¤¤à¥ˆà¤ªà¥à¤ªà¥ˆà¤°! kat11100@comcast.net If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain Just because the monkey's off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town Laugh because it shows people that you have what they want and what they need: a hope in things unseen, a peace that passes understanding, and a God of miracles who also has a great sense of humor. | ||
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 11, 2014, 10:56 AM
I appreciate what you said.
And I am ACUTELY aware of the pitfalls involved here. Truly, by evenings I can only listen to music and wait for bed at this point. But that will pass. It's seven in the morning and the 5'7" bundle of who knows what phychoses is still asleep. We've all read the "My boyfriend uses and he'll stop for a while but he's back using but I can't just let him die" in all it's variations. I pondered long and hard about this one. But the fact that she took the initiative to go to a clinic with negative reinforcement about that from her abusive partner, and took the short course of tapering down to finally nothing with the suboxone tells me something about her, This is a ZERO TOLERANCE home. I printed that and posted it on the wall. Just to reinforce what I said to her. Toothache, surgery, I don't give a damn. If you need narcs, go to the hospital and come home clean, not with meds as I made the mistake of doing. I know damn well it's all about me, For her, it's all about her. But I'm not her and cannot do anything but be supportive and watchful. And loving... hopefully that counts for more than we give it credit for. So here goes day one of two addicts in a house. I give it a week, but who knows? Thank the good Lord for this day! I hear many of you are just now emerging from a lengthy deep-freeze. My condolences. Thankfully, it's been highs in the seventies since a few days of rainy weather around Thanksgiving. I''ve been withdrawn from the worldly affairs for a good month now am just now emerging from the inner me. God bless you all. M | ||
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: January 11, 2014, 11:33 AM
By the way, not lost 82, good work, good work, good work!
I had to laugh when you mentioned that it's a good time of year to get clean for business reasons! I made that exact comment several times in the past few weeks. In fact it was a motivating factor in kicking now. My big months are March thru June and it's imperative to have $$$ for marketing during those months. By July the party's over till next March.(as far as expansion). Remember what I said: It gets harder, never easier. Keep up the cycle and you'll see. At advanced age, it becomes pure torture and the recovery takes forever! Best Wishes, Mark | ||
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Posts: 71
Joined: December 26, 2013
Posted: January 11, 2014, 5:54 PM
that nothing changs if nothing changes post stuck n my head every since i read it.i do love blunt honesty.it still is bouncin around in my head.all day ive been goin outa my way to get out of comfort zone so to speak.i socialized more n class.i participated more.instead of procrastinating chores i got sum things accomplished and hopefully even changed others perception of myself.thats always nice especially after meeting new people and and that first impression wasnt the best.back to the two addicts in one house.ive had a female roomate(strictly platonic) and we both used together.i ended up stopping one of my binges while still living there and while she was still using.if anything that made us closer(platonic wise of course).the motivation the other provides just by being there is huge.in a relationship pride is a killer.goin thru withdrawals and making myself suffer is humbling.we all arent perfect.sometimes we r stronger than other times.that other person is suspose to b the balance and vice versa.i hope u and her feed off each other and become stronger.thats what ur together for yea?i wouldnt follow the NA rules unless i was an active paricipant.everybody handles their inner demons different.u know what works foru.im not sure if she knows what works for just yet but thats what ur for.and then in turn she returns the favor.maybe its a perfect world type of thinking but its too simple not to try.once again good decision.life is short.u know this twice as much as i do and ur wisdom holds much value.and i am understanding what ur saying.in my head i know all this but actually hearing it from a person whos been there increases the value.thanku.time will tell if im able to make the neccesary adjustments or not.i cant say yes or no just yet and tell the truth.i have to make that decision to stop forever myself instead of those temporary leave of absences i somehow pull off on the regular.that crap is getting old.it will only happen as long as i want it to.off n on is just as bad if not worse than staying on.its like my inner demons have inner demons and those inner demons with their own problems.with everything considered im ok and it sounds like you are too.for right now we ok.
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Posts: 6300
Joined: May 27, 2005
Posted: January 11, 2014, 6:55 PM
Notlost, if you don't want to do a 12 step program do something else, but do something. Find a therapist maybe but find something to fill the gap and help you change. It's just too damn easy to reach for a buzz when the going gets tough if you don't have something else to reach for.
-------------------- १२ सà¥à¤¤à¥ˆà¤ªà¥à¤ªà¥ˆà¤°! kat11100@comcast.net If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain Just because the monkey's off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town Laugh because it shows people that you have what they want and what they need: a hope in things unseen, a peace that passes understanding, and a God of miracles who also has a great sense of humor. | ||
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