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Posted: July 23, 2013, 1:24 PM
I am new to this site so I maybe repeating someone else's post. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 2 months. We were friends for about four years prior to dating. We were both in relationships through out our friendship years. We parted ways and lost communication for about a year. After renewing our friendship, he asked me out on a date. At this point we both were fresh out of relationships. Later that night after he asked me out he sent me a text, tellin me about his addiction to Percocets. He had been clean for 12 days and was in a program and laid it all out on the table for me. I appreciated his honesty and told him I would always w a friend and be there for him.
Things went on and we started dating more and more. 100% behind his every need. I always suggested him going to meetings when he was feeling down, always recommended talking to his sponsor for guidance, etc. I tried really hard to be supportive. Two weeks ago he started his fourth step, when he told me I was honest with him and expressed my sincere concern for him knowing the fourth step could be detrimental. He knew he was ready. I again supported his decisions. Last week he told me he needed time for him and wanted to break off our relationship. I was of coarse an emotional basket case. Since he has not reached out to me, I have had to check on him to see how he is and say hi. He responds but with short answers, again expressing how much of this is him and not me. I have since read the NA book, conversed through online meetings and joined this site. And I get it all. But I don't know what to do to bring him back. Do I give up and give him the time he needs? Do I continue to seek out his attention? How can I help him help himself? Is time really all he needs? All these questions run through my mind minute by minute and I drive my self crazy trying to figure it out. Has anyone else had any experiences with this? | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: July 23, 2013, 6:59 PM
What makes you believe step 4 is detrimental? Step 4 is the start of accountability and acceptance...it should be the step that frees one from the past and purges the gulit and shame associated with our treatment of others. Your question in the title of this thread: How do I help? You help by not getting between him and his recovery and whatever he needs to do to get there. It sounds like you were all about suggesting meetings and sponsors and all until it looked like he might follow through...please correct me if I am wrong. By 'detrimental' did you mean to your relationship? He needs to focus on himself and it sounds like he has made a decision to take care of his needs and it was probably not an any easy decision to make if he cares for you. Try to respect his decision...if you two are meant to be, you will be. Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posted: July 23, 2013, 7:31 PM
Thanks Momnmore for your response. when I say step 4 would be detrimental, I meant for him. I agree step four is a great step but he is so hard on himself as it is. He puts himself down in every way possible. Its almost as if he doesnt believe he has any assets. I just thought step four would make him resent himself more than he already did. It's hard for him to remember talk to God and remember there is a plan for everyone. An example would be when he celebrated his one year he didn't want to celebrate or chair a meeting because he said it was only a year, if he never started using would he of celebrated that..
I would always support him in every decision he made, especially in recovery. I don't mean to ever make it sound like I was all about it until he did it. Even to this day I try to help him. He works an ungodly amount and doesn't have time to go to every meeting he wants so last night I sent him a quick text sharing with him my finds to an online 24/7 chat room that hosts meeting every night at 10pm that he could get on his phone. I knew there was a chance I would not get a response and I was okay with it, as long as it MIGHT help. Thanks again for your response. | ||
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Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: July 25, 2013, 11:31 AM
Hi Swalke,
It sounds like from what you've shared is you're trying to sponsor him. Honestly, he doesn't need you to tell him where to find meetings, or to by the NA book & read it and join NA to belong. Are you an addict? If not, and this is just my opinion, you are crowding him, getting in his hula hoop. I love my husband, dearly and we've been married for 23+ years, quite a few of those years I was in active addiction/alcoholism. When I sought recovery, I sought it for "me", not for him, not for the kids or the job and by doing that, I actually am still clean & sober today, 7 years later. I can tell you, my meetings, my sponsor, and my program are mine and my husband stays out of it, completely. You asked what you could do to help him? Help yourself, find your own program and allow him the space & time he needs to work his recovery. One big red flag that stood out was your relationship with him started when he was 12 days clean? He's changing, he's growing and he shouldn't have jumped into a relationship that early in his recovery so give him space. What he needs right now is time. Keep coming back, Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posted: July 25, 2013, 2:55 PM
Hi 24gordon,
Thank you for your post. I appreciate it. It has been such a confusing time for me but I know it is for him as well. I have finally accepted that. It was hard but you're absolutely right this is a journey he has to do on his own. I worry about him like I am supposed to in a relationship and as a friend but I can't guide him. His higher power will do that. It's a tough one to swallow but I have to. I have explained to him I will always be his friend and if it is meant to be it will happen. I have decided when I feel the urge to talk to him ill just talk on here or call a friend. Other than that I just have to accept what it for what it is. Thank you | ||
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