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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 1, 2012, 1:26 PM
I never in a million years thought I would be saying this, on a forum or anywhere else, but... I fell in love with a heroin addict. And unfortunately for me, when I fall in love, I fall hard... we dated for only 7 months.
A week and a half ago my brother found heroin and needles in my boyfriends truck while he was visiting our house for the weekend. We asked him to leave, and I hadn't heard from him for a week. Finally I was able to call him this past Tuesday and that's when I broke up with him. He begins in-patient rehab this week. Words cannot describe how absolutely heartbroken I am, but I know that the life of an addict is a life-long struggle that doesn't exclude families or partners. I can't, at just 22 years old, condemn myself to that life which is why I broke it off. None of my family or friends has ever gone through any kind of break-up or heartbreak like this so, although they can offer me words of comfort, they will never ever understand how painful this is for me. So that's where you guys come in... I need to communicate with people who understand what I'm experiencing and hopefully give me advice on how to cope with the loss of someone I loved so so much... I've been experiencing so many emotions at once that I don't know what to do with them. And every day hurts... Thanks for listening, guys... I still just have so much to say. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: November 1, 2012, 8:01 PM
heartbreak is very hard, but as you said, you are only 22. you have a long life ahead and many choices to make, personally i think you may have cut your losses. It doesnt make it any less painful, it is still a loss. Whatever happens to him will be his choice, hopefully he will choose rehab and will choose sobriety you cannot choose for him, that doesnt work. i would imagine he is also young so he has an opportunity to get his life together, he will need time and determination to do that
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: November 1, 2012, 8:44 PM
You're a pretty sharp 22 year old to understand that you cannot love him clean or change him, and that this is his fight. Addiction really IS a family disease because it can everyone sick trying to 'fix' and 'help' the addict, only to lose themselves and find their own brand of sickness in codependency. Your love is not diminished by breaking up...you are sad and heartbroken, but you did what you needed to do to care for YOU and that self-love will help you continue to make healthy choices.
Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 1, 2012, 10:20 PM
Thank you, guys. But I can't take all the credit for choosing to leave. My parents had a huge part in the decision. They basically forbade me from seeing him, or trying to meet with him, and sat me down talking sense into me. Things like, if he and I were in the car together and he had heroin with him, I could go to jail too, and how addiction really is a life-long struggle that would make my life so much harder. Staying with him could truly ruin my life and they helped me realize it. As someone on the inside, that was hard to see, all I cared about was being with him and being there for him as he went through treatment. But people on the outside, without the emotional attachment I had could see the danger.
Of course, realizing this is still no help when it comes to my feelings for him. I did after all love him, and breaking up with him on Tuesday was literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. All of those little inside jokes we used to have, all of those moments we shared together keep creeping up through my thoughts and it makes being away from him so much harder. I keep saying to myself "If only he hadn't.... if only..." But the fact of the matter is, he did. And he lied to me, a lot. The thing I'm just struggling with now is coping with a break up when I know I still love him. The feelings aren't going to go away any time soon, and it hurts to be away from him. Missing him is my hugest obstacle. But I'm not just missing him. It's his parents, his house, his dogs... I'm breaking up with them, too, after becoming so close to them and feeling like a family over these past few months. And the thought of losing all that just brings me to tears. We all know I deserve something better, him, his parents, my parents. They've all said it, "you deserve better" and I know I do, too. It's just really really REALLY hard for me to let go and I'm just waiting for the pain of it to stop... -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: November 2, 2012, 9:40 AM
his parents will help take care of him just as yours are concerned about you. when they really try and stay clean they have a full plate. it is a very wicked disease and it is his disease he will have to deal with it. sorry for a broken heart, doesnt matter the circumstances, it still hurts. Get out and involved in things, it helps
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 2, 2012, 10:09 AM
I've really been trying to keep busy, I find that whenever I'm by myself, and I'm not really doing anything, my mind wanders to him and I start getting really upset again. I try to numb myself either in front of the TV or the computer. I'm trying really hard to focus on schoolwork. I'm a college senior, graduating in December, and this couldn't have come at a more difficult time for me in the semester, with three major projects due by the end of this month, not to mention normal everyday coursework. My parents asked me, when this all broke out, if I was going to be able to finish out the semester. I realize now they were offering to let me withdraw from school to let me focus on myself and my emotions and not let them interfere with school. I told them I would keep going though, I've tried too hard and paid a lot over these past 4 1/2 years to let this hold me back. I'm just going to push through.
But this truly is emotional scarring. He lied straight to my face so many times, betraying the trust I had for him. He put me in a lot of danger... I could have gone to jail with him, or he could have contracted something horrible from shooting up that he could have given me (Although he told me Tuesday he never shared needles). I got blood tested for HIV and Hepatitis on Wednesday. A terrifying experience for me in and of itself. I hate needles, just thinking about them makes me squirm and hold my arms close to me. I had never had blood work done before and it was an experience I went through alone (since the people who could have gone with me were all at work, or school). But blood work aside, the reason I had to go is the most terrifying... Those diseases are horrible, live-changing, and ruining. And I had to be tested for them... I know he couldn't help his addiction... That when you are addicted to something it runs your life, always comes first. And it just hurts... When you love someone, you're supposed to protect them, you're supposed to want to keep them from danger... And he didn't do that for me. Lately I have been wondering if he even loved me at all. Is it possible for heroin to create the illusion of loving someone in the users mind? We were dating for 5 months when he told me for the first time. I can't really be sure if that was just before, or in the beginning of his usage again. Just the thought of that is really depressing... If he loved me just because the drug was telling him to, and I loved him all on my own without the influence of anything, that makes me truly feel all on my own... And I don't like it. I don't like feeling alone... -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: November 3, 2012, 3:48 AM
Dear Angel,
You are not alone. You are so wise for your years and it sounds like you have wondeful, caring educated parents. Don't allow this man to have the power to keep you down. Addicts are like chameleons. I understand why you are questioning if he ever loved you. Addicts lie, steal, cheat, and are great con artists. Your boyfriend may not be responsible for his addiction but he is responsible for his recovery. Look at what you have to go through because he didn't respect you enough to let you know up front about his addiction. HE DID put you in a lot of bad situations. You would never be safe as long as he is using. Drugs=guns and money and when dealers aren't paid, they don't care how they get their money or who they hurt. You deserve so much better. Let him go Angel. Say a prayer for him and move on. Get your school finished and find someone who will respect you and protect you. Keep writing your feelings. Look at both the positive and the negative that would have come from this if you had stayed. He may be a good guy but he is sick and you can't make him get well, only he can do it. Keep your head held high. It's a good thing you found out now. Can you imagine if this was 3 years down the road, you were married and had kids? | ||
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 8:16 AM
You are doing the right thing and looking out for your future. Future with an addict is bound for frequent heartache and disappointment. You're young and deserve so much more. Stay strong.
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Posts: 1584
Joined: November 6, 2005
Posted: November 3, 2012, 9:20 AM
I think you are looking for permission to do what you know is right. Something in what your family said made sense. I know you said that they forbid you to see him again but face it if you really wanted to, you would. It sounds like your playing the tape out even though it hurts. A life with an addict is not an easy one and there are no guarantees. YOu have no ties now -no children so it is a good time to let him go. I know this is hard but do what you need to do and continue to take care of you.
This post has been edited by gailadk on November 3, 2012, 9:25 AM -------------------- All things are possible through God. Ask and you shall receive Seek and you shall find Knock and the door shall be opened unto you When you pray, you activate God's power. Every time you pray something happens! The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control. Pray at stop lights. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. When you pray, pray for His will. God is Good............all the time!!!!! | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 3, 2012, 11:45 AM
I pray for him and his family every day. Another thing that just kills me is that, I come from a religious home, and it has always been very important for me to be involved with someone who is religious as well. He went to church with me almost every Sunday that he was able to (we lived 40 minutes away from each other, and 2 hours away when I was at school) and the Sundays he wasn't with me, he went on his own.
His mom was religious, too, reminding me of my own mom because she was very active in her church and Bible study. She and I got very close, and I think the thought of loosing her in all of this as well is very painful for me. Would you say it would be appropriate to keep in contact with her every once in a while to see how my boyfriend (or more so, ex-boyfriend at this point, I'm still having trouble adjusting to the word. Let's just call him "A".) is doing with his recovery and rehab process? Could I ask her to not tell "A" that we talk every once in a while? Or is it better to just stay disconnected from the whole family? Maybe it's because I'm still in love with him, but I really want to know how he's doing through all of this. I still want what's best for him, and despite all of the heartbreak and sadness in all of this, I am so so SO happy that he has chosen to get help (he'll even be quitting smoking in there, something I have tried to do for most of our relationship). I wish I was there to congratulate him and celebrate with him whenever he makes any kind of progress. But I know since I am no longer dating him, its not really my place to be supportive for him in that way, and I guess in a way I feel like I'm abandoning him in that sense. Is it wrong to want to know how he's doing by keeping in contact with his mom? (And by keeping in contact, I mean texting each other every few weeks or months, maybe a phone call if she's more comfortable with that. But nothing more.) (It's funny, every time I go to post, I have the full intention of keeping it short, maybe to a paragraph. But my mind just keeps going, I have so much I want to put down... I'm an English Major, though, so writing is extremely therapeutic for me, so just bare with me, haha.) -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 5:41 PM
The impression that I'm getting is that you really still want to be with this guy, and have broken up with him to please everyone around you. While drugs and alcohol can create false feelings of love/closeness, it's sure possible his feelings are genuine. If you don't want to just throw it all away, then don't. See how things go. I think keeping in touch with his mom is a good way to keep tabs on how he is doing.
You mention he's getting help, that's good. When you say he lied to you, about what? The drugs? Of course he did because look what happened when you found out. It's possible he had the addiction before he met you and couldn't quit. If he loves you and wants it to work he has to get clean, and if he knows you'll be there if he gets his life together, it might make him work harder. I say you take it a day at a time, nothing has to be set in stone. If he come out of rehab a new man, then maybe things will work. If he doesn't change, you might just get so sick of it you fall out of love. Who knows what'll happen, if you love the guy, give him a chance to change. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 3, 2012, 5:50 PM
The only issue with a second chance is, no matter if I forgive him or not, I highly doubt my family will. And I can't be in a relationship with someone without the backing of my family, they are just that important to me.
He would have to do something truly amazing and incredible to win back ALL of our trust. Like a vision from God or something. Which, trust is yet another issue. If we DO ever get back together (hypothetically, of course), no matter how long he's been clean, no matter how long he's been in rehab, the trust I had, or even could have had in him has been demolished. I was just so hurt by this. So, as badly as I would love for it to work out and for everything to be okay, it just doesn't seem like it's going to work out that way, at this stage in the game at least. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 6:54 PM
Please don't take this offensively but you say you come from a very religious family, yet they wouldn't be willing to forgive him even if he cleaned up his act? From the outside looking in, that just doesn't seem right.
Your first post, as I said gave me the impression you really wanted to be with this guy, but from your reply and reluctance to offer a second chance, I'm wondering is it possible you're more in love with the concept of him and not him individually? I had a girl say that to me once during a break up and it really got me thinking. She was right, I was more into the idea of the relationship and having someone. We really weren't even that great for eachother. I don't know where you're from but I know in some areas of the country people tend to settle down and get married younger, and if thats the case by you, maybe that has you more frazzled because you feel like you we're ready to start a family. So maybe it will help you figure out what you should do if you think about whether it was really him as a person you really loved, or were you in love with being in love itself. | ||
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Posted: November 3, 2012, 7:02 PM
Also, when did this all happen?
If it was very recently, you're very emotional, and rightfully so, so it's hard to imagine a better time. When I was around 17-18, a girl I really cared for did something I thought I wouldn't never get over, we lost touch for a while, but a year or two later, looking back what was once heartbreaking really ended up being no big deal. Time does wonders. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 3, 2012, 7:50 PM
This did happen recently, over the past two weeks. So maybe I am being emotional about it, and maybe I am more in love with the idea of him than actually with him. Whether I really loved him or the idea of him or not, I still really care about him, and just want to know he is doing better. We spent a lot of time together while we were dating, and just shutting things down completely is just very hard to do. But you just never know with heroin addicts... I know him to have an addictive personality, so this might just be something he will have to struggle with for the rest of his life... which besides from the lying and endangerment is why I couldn't stay.
And my family would be less accepting of us getting back together solely for the fact that he betrayed all of our trust and put all of us in danger, not to mention stealing from us. There's just no telling whether he'll go back to his addiction or not since that tends to be typical of heroin addicts. I have to look out for me, and being apart from him is how I can take care of myself... I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm constantly wondering if he is back on drugs, or if he's stealing from me again... I don't want to be suspicious every time he is in the bathroom for more than three minutes, I don't want to sneak a peek at his arms, looking for track marks, or wonder why his pupils are so small. and I don't want to be suspicious every time I see him break a sweat. There is nothing healthy about being in a relationship like that, whether I love him or not, it is not good for me. But you're definitely right about how only time will tell. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to the upcoming months where this won't be so difficult for me. I really don't want to feel like this ever again. No more heartbreak, thank you very much. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 6, 2012, 9:25 PM
Thanks, everyone for your advice and weighing in. I'm starting to feel better about this, though I'm still sad I guess I just need some more time. Being able write everything down was really helpful, too. It was probably the best thing for me.
I must say I have gained a lot of respect for the people on this thread, after experiencing just a tiny sliver of what you all go through in every day life. I was lucky enough to be in the position where I had the choice to leave, but I noticed almost everyone on here has a son, daughter, parent, or sibling and those people are harder to walk away from. (I pray for "A" and his parents every day now.) I'm really grateful I stumbled upon this message board and am able to communicate with this community. I definitely think I'll stick around on here if ever anyone has a problem and wants to talk it out, its the least I could do after so many people replied to my thread with such supportive words. What a unique bonding experience. Thank you guys so much for being here and lending me your strength. You guys rock :] God bless!! -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: November 8, 2012, 1:18 PM
Reading this thread..I get to your last post and think..yes, she's starting to get it. Starting to understand what people are telling her.
I see great strength in you. You are so young, have so much life and possiblity ahead of you..you'll get to a point, when this stops hurting so much, that I think you'll realize that this was just a life's lesson. A painful one, but one that didn't, thankfully, go any further than 7 months of dating. Let it go honey. He's not for you. Not that he's a bad person, not at all. He's sick, but, you deserve better. There is someone out there for you that is worthy of your love and devotion that doesn't take drugs. Even someone who may, in their past have had a problem but is now clean and sober and living a good life. But give it some time. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't settle now. Get your education, live your life for awhile..the right guy will come along when it's time. Might even be him, 5 years from now. It's God's plan, not yours. You parents must be very proud of you. Really, take this as a learning experience and move on. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 8, 2012, 1:24 PM
:] Your post couldn't have come at a better time today. I woke up today, just feeling down and to be honest, kinda hopeless in regards to dating in the future (Needless to say, I will probably have trouble trusting future boyfriends).
But reading and re-reading this thread definitely gives me a boost. In addition to praying for "A" and his parents, I've added all of you to my prayer list. Thanks so much for being so supportive :] -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: November 8, 2012, 1:31 PM
You're 22. You're educated, smart, come from a good family..worried about your prospects? Honey, you're a prize. Someone's gonna snatch you up when the time is right.
Trusting anyone, not just an addict, is huge. Relationships are built on trust, so yes, you will be wary, as you should be. Lotta frogs out there, have to kiss a few to find your prince. But I have a feeling, that you will. Be gentle with yourself. And have a better day, ok? -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: November 8, 2012, 2:03 PM
Thanks :]
I'll really try to. And I hope your day is going better than mine. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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