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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 4, 2014, 11:00 PM
As I have always stated in my previous posts I am not going to give up on kicking this nasty grip this evil drug has on me.
I'm sure many of you are saying to your self "so Aussie girl whats going to be different this time". I don't have the answer to that. All I know is the best I can do is take one day at a time. Today is day one. This week I will hit some AA/NA meetings. My rock bottom hit when my beautiful 5 yr old daughter caught me taking those little white pills which I had promised her I would never take again. The look of devastation on her face and the crying that followed completley broke my heart. I have never felt as low as I did in that moment. That was yesterday so today i have had no nasty white pills. I don't know how to make it up to my daughter other then to show her that mummy can do this. I am already in withdrawal but I say bring it on. Never do I ever want to witness that look on my daughters face again. | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 5, 2014, 9:02 PM
Day two, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to keep busy however the lack of energy is really making it hard. My house looks like a bomb hit it and I don't even know where to start. Life sucks right now. One hour at a time is all I can do right now,. My daughter deserves better then a drug addict for a mother.
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: June 7, 2014, 9:19 AM
Never stop trying Bec! I am super proud of you! (((HUGS)))
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Posts: 54
Joined: April 15, 2014
Posted: June 16, 2014, 9:16 AM
Hey Bec,
Just saw your recovery diary, so well done to you! The fact that you are still trying to overcome this addiction is pretty amazing. I'm kind of going backwards. After trying to wean, basically, I'm now on 2 N+ a day. A smallish amount, but a regular unnecessary amount all the same. I find myself thinking about them a lot, and look forward to when I can have them. I hope like you I can beat it for good, but I'm feeling pretty lost with it all at the moment. Take care, Ellen | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 16, 2014, 8:40 PM
Hey Ellen and girltoday,
Thanks for your replies, I am hanging in there. I constantly have the little voice telling me to just have more you will be ok. So am finding doing a taper hard but it allows me to function. I have no help with my daughter so I have to function, and yes I can hear what i just said and yes it does sound like an excuse to keep taking pills. All I can do is try. If i stop trying then its over. | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 16, 2014, 11:23 PM
Have just been reading over some old posts and am wondering where some of the other guys who are struggling with this are and how are they going, people like, emmajulie, Ellen1234, miss miss, and NP addict.
Even if your not in a great place don't be afraid to get on here and write, we are only as sick as our secrets. | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 28, 2014, 8:32 AM
Today I am clean of NP
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: June 28, 2014, 12:09 PM
(((HUGS BEC))). Today is all you have to do, and that IS doable. Great job!
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: June 28, 2014, 2:52 PM
Thanks Jess, I needed that hug, Its 5am and nearly finished work, I'm sure I can get through today without any pills. No let me rephrase that. I will get through today without any pills.
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: July 14, 2014, 10:41 PM
I am still around, I check in on my recovery diary. In two days I have managed to get 7 days off from work. This has taken me a long time to get this many days off at once, if I take a sick day I can do 9 days off. I feel as though I have been on this site for far to long and have made little progress. Tomorow I clean the house and stock the food. Will hand my wallet over to someone trustworthy and lock myself down for this time. I have never managed to last past 4 days without taking something.
NOW OR NEVER | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 15, 2014, 9:10 AM
What a great plan Bec! Please remember that you only have to this one time. One time and it's over. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayer's. And don't forget about step-chat for the late nights or early morning's if you need someone to talk to. Take it easy on yourself. None of here made it on our first try i'm sure. It is hard to go through all the crap your going to have to endure but girl let me tell you that YOU are worth it, the grass is greener on the other side! And every day it will get better.
The greatest act of faith some days is to simply get up and face another day. We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, or sea. Holding on to something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. (((HUGS))) Your sober cyber friend Jessica:) | ||
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: July 15, 2014, 10:30 AM
Thanks Jessica for all your words of encouragement. I have decided to not wait until my days off to get started. Tomorrow I will start. I am beyound scared that I will fail, I know I should not be thinking like this, but it is what it is. It is now past midnight so I am on day one.
I can do this. | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 16, 2014, 8:51 AM
Hey girl! Thinking of you and what your going through this morning(it's morning where i live atm) and i hope you find some extra strength today. I know how it feels, i know the pain sucks, i know your going out of mind thinking "just one more", and i know you might be curled up in a ball thinking about all the hows and whys. This will pass. Every moment that you are clean from pills is a moment to reclaim your life back. It will get better.
We take action when we have the honesty to admit that things are still broken,despite our best efforts otherwise. We take action when we hold ourselves continually open to new techniques,remaining resolutely receptive to new sources of support and new feeds of information. We take action when we are willing, in each new moment, to try again. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas A Edison Never give up! (((HUGS BEC))) | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 18, 2014, 9:39 AM
Hey Bec! How ya doing? Silly question right cause i probably know how crappy you feel. Just please hang in there, i promise it gets better.
I am still here and I am recovering/progressing even if it is a some what reduced pace compared to how I rum my life. Recovery/Realisation is a long slow road that is full of pitfalls and is often one of the hardest we ever travel. Yet every road has a start and and end and as such we should not fear it because eventually we will reach the junction where the road runs smooth again and once again we can be complete. | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: July 23, 2014, 9:19 AM
I am still thinking about you and sending prayers your way! (((BEC)))
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Posts: 9
Joined: July 24, 2014
Posted: July 24, 2014, 4:29 AM
How u goin Aussie girl?? We can get through this together.. No matter what we'll beat it
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: August 5, 2014, 3:40 PM
Hi there just checking in, thanks for your replies jess,and mike the knight. Well of course as always when things are not going good I hide away which is just stupid because I need all the support I can get. Mike I take the same amount as you and it is very hard to kick.
I can blame it on a lot of things as to why my progress has not been going well but there is no excuse when it comes to saving your life. Mike it sounds like you are on the right track and a pray you continue to succeed. You give me hope. I am on day four at present and it's hard going. Thank you both for keeping me in your thoughts. Bec from the sunny state | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: August 6, 2014, 9:02 AM
Bec i am so glad your here. When I first came to this site I was lost. I was beat down. The drugs took a lot of things from me. I didn't even have keys to my own house. I was not trusted to be alone for long periods of time with my son, cause my b/f was afraid i would relapse and nod off while watching him.I did not have a phone. I was mad at the world cause i couldn't get high anymore. Everyone walked on egg shells around me, cause i would go off at the drop of a dime. Some people tell me I make recovery look easy. HA! I had to take things step by step, and i am still picking up some of my pieces. What was important is that i did listen. I did take suggestions and when i was in doubt, i asked questions, when i was afraid, i spoke up, when i was happy, i spoke up,and when i cried, people gave me tissues with monsters on the to make me laugh. I am still a working progress and that's ok that's how it goes for some people, but I don't give up, I still fight those urges to this day. So please Keep Coming Back and speak when you need help. I know that is easier said then done, i know cause sometimes i feel the same way(about asking for help). Again it was very good to see you post. Thanks for being here!
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: August 23, 2014, 1:40 PM
Never give up Bec! I do pray for you every night. Have you been on Step chat lately? If all you do is try, you are still trying. Your life is worth saving! How do i get you to believe in yourself? Look in the mirror. Smile, you are worth it! Easier said then done i know. I know cause iv'e been there. When you are ready you'll know. Until then keep your head up. You are not a bad person, just sick with the disease called addiction. And it does get better. One thing at a time. Bec you are so special. You have the guts to keep coming back and that says a lot about your desire to quit. Reach down inside your heart and believe girl. Much love Jessica.
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Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: September 9, 2014, 1:43 AM
Hi all, especially girltoday, thanks for checking in with me, things continue to be up and down, this week I have had little codiene and I actually feel a little better for it. On fathers day I confided in my father that I had been back on the neurofen plus since september last year. He of course was understanding and said he had a feeling I was because I had stopped calling as often which is what I always do when things are not good.
I don't have any real cravings today I just feel really sad. Sad and scared that this is never going to end or its going to not end well. Its a hard road, but its a road I can't give up on. Bec | ||
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