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Posted: March 9, 2011, 2:49 PM
I have been sitting here for the last couple of hours reading through posts on this site and I have to say, it brought me to tears, thank you all so much for being here!!
The short version of my story is that I am a 40 something year old with three amazing kids, two of whom do not speak to me at the moment due to the wreckage I caused. I have been clean for a 2 and a half years but still struggle so much with the wreckage I left behind. When I sit and really think about choices I made and things I did I just cant seem to find a way past it all. My time in active addiction was pretty brief but wow did it ever get ahold of me quick. I got addicted to percocet and vicodin and it became the most important thing in my life for about 6 months. I lost a twenty year marriage over it and two of my three children, who I love so very much. I guess the main reason I am posting is because I am so sad and feel so hopeless. It just feels like I will never be able to undo all the damage I did. There is a part of me that feels like maybe I am suppose to feel this way because of all the bad choices I made, maybe this is my punishment. I am an active member of AA, my problem was with pain medication but I just feel most comfortable in the AA Meetings in my area. I go to the meetings and I sit and listen to people and I just cant seem to find a way through all this sometimes. I am sorry if I am not making sense. I know I am just rambling, but that is kind of the way my head is right now, just a rambling mess. Any advice would be so appreciated. How do I move forward? Will I ever be truely happy? Will I ever be able to forgive myself? | ||
Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 9, 2011, 5:35 PM
Hi Its Just Me!
I'm just jane (funny we are both justs and our stories are so similar)If you get a minute read my success story at the bottom of my signature line. I can tell you it does get better. It really does. I am sure of it, I live it. Please forgive yourself. I believe that is where you have to start. I understand your losses. I honestly understand it because I lived through it. I think it is wonderful that you are already doing a program. You are in a good place you can find alot of support here. I hate to think you are just suffering and not truley happy. Please share a little more. What's going on? love, jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen  | ||
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Posted: March 9, 2011, 6:18 PM
Hi Jane,
I can't tell you how happy I am that you responded, thank you so very much!! I had just gotten done reading your success story and thinking about how similar our stories where then I saw you responded to my post. How do you go about forgiving yourself? Its like I get to a point where I am ready to forgive me and move on and then something comes up that reminds me of all the bad choices that I made. I know that I cannot expect others to forgive me all I can do is make ammends where possible and be better and do better, but wow sometimes, that is easier said then done. I still struggle with if I even deserve to be happy. I have been clean for about 2 and a half years. I went to outpatient treatment and there was really no aftercare. The focus there was to get you off whatever it was you were addicted to but it never covered the mess you had to clean up and how to work on ME. I lived for two years clean and continued to make stupid choices in my life and was just lost, lonely, sad, and oh so regretful. I started going to AA about 6 months ago and have a sponsor and am working the steps but somedays, like today, I just feel stuck. Like I will never be able to live down the wreckage of my past. My children were my world, and I was a great mother to them, and then it seems out of nowhere I got addicted to pain medication and nothing else mattered to me but that. Now that I have been clean and continued to make stupid choices two of them want nothing to do with me, I cant even get them to pick up the phone and talk to me and inside it feels like its killing me. I have a pretty good life now, I live in a nice home, have a good job, but most importantly I am clean....why is it that I still feel so miserable sometimes? Thank you again so much!! | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: March 9, 2011, 7:01 PM
Welcome It'sjustme,
I can relate to the "stuck" feeling and when I'm feeling that disconnected feeling, sitting in the past & dwelling, it's then I need to get quiet and connect with my HP (whom I call God). Things will work out, it will be okay, you just have to have the courage to trust the process and understand that time takes time. One day at a time, one step at a time, one relationship at a time. What step are you currently working with your sponsor? Are you praying & meditating each day? How about a gratitude list, I always suggest doing a gratitude list every morning to get into gratitude. Do you journal? I'm glad you found us and to answer one of your original questions, yes, you will find happiness, it just takes work & faith and doing the next right thing, over and over. My friend, Sammy, used to say if you want to gain trust, you need to do trustworthy acts, if you want to gain self-esteem, you need to do esteemable acts. Keep coming back, keep sharing, keep walking through this and you will find joy. xoxo Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
Posts: 2606
Joined: July 13, 2007
Posted: March 9, 2011, 7:43 PM
Hi Justme....welcome to the board! I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that if you turn this over to your HP then you will be able to forgive yourself. I know it really helped me.
I am sorry that you are in so much emotional pain over your children not talking to you. I know how our kids are our world, so I know how difficult that is for you. Give them time and keep the faith that all will work out. Cut yourself some slack.... 2 1/2 yrs clean time is awesome and not the easiest thing to accomplish! Congratulations! -------------------- Me & Rob.......(bad pic but it's treasure to me)  Faith, Hope, And, Love And The Greatest Of These is Love...... xoxoxo Rhonda | ||
Posts: 1067
Joined: November 19, 2005
Posted: March 10, 2011, 1:18 AM
Hi itsjustme.
Welcome to the board. I am so glad you found this site as your story is alot like so many here. You say you attend AA so you would be aware of the suggestions of getting a sponsor and working the steps. Some people attend meetings and don't take the suggestions. I did that in the beginning and found myself feeling just as miserable as when I was doing drugs. I was depressed and isolated and hated myself and everything was so bleak. It wasn't until I took the suggestions of getting a sponsor and working the steps. Then things started to change. It wasn't a quick change but everyday I stayed clean, put one foot in front of the other, started doing positive things and life looked a little brighter. Find yourself a sponsor who has some clean time and has worked the steps. Listen, listen and listen some more. You will know when the right one comes along. Maybe get a temporary sponsor at first and then go from there. Just because people get clean and stay off drugs does not mean the skies will suddenly open and life will be merry. The steps are what taught me how to forgive myself and how to live happy joyous and free. Life is like a rollercoaster and crap happens however most of the time it isn't as big as what it looks or feels. I hope this helps. Good luck Dawn | ||
Posts: 562
Joined: August 3, 2009
Posted: March 10, 2011, 6:12 AM
Hey Now,
Man can I relate to your post, I see you asked for some advise, some thoughts and you asks some questions. Speaking on of where I am at, at the deep down core of my being the one that lurks in my mind, the haunting, nagging, torturous, fixed idea that somehow, the wreckage is to great, the damage is to severe the hurt caused is beyond repair. In my case it is, see that is just the point, there is no hope in me recapturing some fairy tale past where my life was perfect, where the was no hurt, where I was not abandoned and where I did not act horribly to my fellow man. See I am a human being, I live in a space where all those negative emotions about my past are f***ing real, that is what it is. I wonder if the HOPE is in finding a new place to dwell, what if I took all the guilt, pain, hurt and said, this is part of my life, what if I decided to build a new house, a new self, what if I started today. What if today I took all my loss and as heavy as it is took out my hammer and nailed the first board of a new home. What if as I hammered in that first board, it gave me the strength to grab a second board. What if then I started to see this vision of my new house, and it was so different then the old house, in fact it was my dream home, and what if this dream home was so magical and so wonderful that people had to come see it and these people just. Ould not believe it. And has the stared t the new house, you invited them in, and then they came in and they loved the new house so much they stuck around and people you never even knew before stopped by and the house was then filled with people who filled you and soon you get a new neighbor and they are in the process of building a new home to. Of course you to have to pick up that first board, grab the hammer and pound the nail. My first board was this fact, Hey guys, I am not a carpenter I am building my dream home now, why it is of course not an actual physical home, it is Joe. See I do not want the old Joe back, I want a completely new Joe. In my house of course I have photographs and from time to time I look them, and I think to myself, boy you made s*** hard. Peace | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 10, 2011, 11:52 AM
Justme,
Hi, I will tell you there are days and times that are a struggle. My past will sometimes out of now where jump up and bite my a**. I came out of my addiciton with several felonies and a million losses. (The kind of things that you would not take money for) My kids myself respect my mom and dads respect/trust my husbands love etc. There were days up till four years clean that I would wake up crying. Sometimes it hurts. Also, I have had to forgive myself repeatedly. Its not a one time thing. You know how much your kids mean to you right? My counselor told me "I've heard it said I would DIE for my kids " But what I want to know is "would you LIVE for them" I said it my success story. I forfieted the choice of weather or not my kids were with me. But I had a decision to make, weather they were with me or not. Did I want my kids to have a doped out worthless mother or did I want them to have the kind of mom that was drug free, productive with humility and grace. I just kept making the kinds of decisions that they would be proud of me for. Fast forward to today. I have been knocked down here and there by things that I have no control over. I have been bitten in the a** more than once for my "past" but I just keep moving forward and making better choices. I work on my recovery, I am not perfect. In the begining I prayed every morning and every evening. Like it suggests in the big book. Lately I have started again. I don't know the key to your happiness. I know if you keep going it will happen. It may not come like a lightening strike and BOOM! It may be more gradual and one day you will be content and fulfilled. You will look around at where you are and think Holy s***. I'm doing it. And it may be just a mixture of some good days and some bad. Or what is called in the big book life on lifes terms. You don't always know whats comming good or bad. You won't always handle it like the 12 step Queen or the picture of Sobriety. But if you stick to the guidlines chances are you will make it through whatever it is that is making you stuck. You said that you don't deserve happiness I think you do. And maybe that is why you keep getting stuck. You also said that your so miserable sometimes. Everyone is miserable sometimes. If you are miserable only sometimes that means sometimes you are not. What are you focusing on? I know I went through the negative thinking part too. Do you read thought for the day? Or a positive affirmation? Oh and lean on some good friends and family. You would be surprised how close you can get to the people on this site. You can learn to lean on us and count on the site like a good friend. There is always someone here with Experience Strength and Hope to share. I love this place :) Welcome. So whats going on with your kids? Are they old young? Whats the story? I'll check in later Much love and respect, **EDITED TO SAY I'm not sure exactly how, but start by forgiving yourself a little at a time. You said you didn't deserve it. But you don't deserve unhappiness either. So maybe start one little thing at at time. You've been clean two years. Be nice to yourself that is HUGE. Yes I understand how you feel. The lies, deception, addiction and so on. Forgivning yourself goes along way toward keeping in recovery. We have all done things were not proud of. We did what it took to keep in secrecy and sometimes shame. The good news is you can now let it go. It's time. jane This post has been edited by justjane on March 10, 2011, 12:14 PM -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 10, 2011, 12:57 PM
Itsjustme..welcome to the board..so glad you're here.
Your story is so much like every other person here. You aren't unique and you aren't alone. I too go to AA because I feel more comfortable there..I don't drink but it could be a DOC if I ever went down that path. Do you have a sponsor? Someone you can work with to help you deal with the pain? I am so sorry to hear about you family. They need help as much as you do. Help in understanding this disease and forgiveness. Actions speak louder than words..you stay clean and live a good life and eventually they'll come around. For you it's about getting past the loneliness and pain. I can't add much more than what's been said, just hope you stick around and let us be part of your family. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 10, 2011, 3:31 PM
By the way DH. That was spot on. I love your take on things.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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Posted: March 10, 2011, 5:00 PM
WOW!!!! Thank you all so much for responding. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. I am not sure what the etiquet is on this board, but I want to be sure to respond to everyone as all of your responses were so helpful to me. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words.
Stacey: After my treatment I started going to church and was feeling a pretty strong connection with my Higher Power but for some reason I am really stuck in the self-pity, why did this happen to me phase? You are right though, I need to just have the courage to trust in the process, but courage is hard to come by some days. I just feel so gosh dang uneasy....thats the only word I can think of today to explain it, uneasy, like I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen. My sponsor and I are working on Step 4 and she says that it is pretty normal to feel this way as you go through step four. Its alot of reliving the past for me, and it is tough to take a honest look at the things I did. RKT: I pray every night and every morning when I wake up. I just wish I knew what his plan was for me, ya know? Dawn: I do have a sponsor and am working the steps. You know something you said really rings true to me right now....I thought I would get clean and life would be merry again, holy smokes was I wrong. DeadHead: Thank you so much. I absolutely love your thoughts on building a new house. On getting to start fresh and really do it right this time, and that maybe, just maybe..people will come to my house and want to stay. And yep, I sure did make sh** hard. :) Jane: Bite me in the a**....I could not have said it better myself. Somedays it just comes out of nowhere and wham, it hits me. My oldest is away at college and does not speak to me, she has absolutely no respect for me and honestly I cant blame her. She moved out with her dad when he left three years ago. My middle Son stayed with me through the absolute worst parts and swore to me that he would never leave me. He is a senior in high school now and has chosen to go live with his father, I think he has just had enough of all the drama that has been me up until 6 months ago when I finally started really working a program and working on me. I can accept that he just wants to enjoy his senior year and is just tired but he will not speak to me either, he is just gone. My youngest is still with me, he is 15 and he has been amazing. He has seen so much and been through so much but he always manages to see the good in me, he tells me repeatedly to stop being sorry and just be happy. If only it was so simple. cowgrl: Thank you so much for your kind words. | ||
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Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: March 10, 2011, 6:27 PM
Hi IJme,
That was my experience too, dredging up what I had tried to bury for so very long, and it wasn't easy, but once I was through it, my perspective on life changed and Step 5 was the beginning of the peace, serenity and happiness so keep plugging along. I also share with gals I'm sponsoring to make sure to hit enough meetings to recharge when working Step 4, it does take a lot out of you. I'm glad you found us. One day at a time, things do get so much better. Hugs, Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 2606
Joined: July 13, 2007
Posted: March 10, 2011, 8:41 PM
Yes, I do know and completely get where you are coming from. I've always been told that he will reveal to you his plan when he is ready and when he believes you are ready. And to keep in mind that he doesn't follow our schedule...he has his own. I know that's not very comforting. Reading your post about you kids really tugged at my heart. I can feel the pain through your words. My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. -------------------- Me & Rob.......(bad pic but it's treasure to me) Faith, Hope, And, Love And The Greatest Of These is Love...... xoxoxo Rhonda | ||
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