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Posted: May 3, 2016, 7:36 AM
So to make a long story not so long I have an addiction to prescription drugs. Started on Norco's and now transitions to whatever I can get my hands on to help feed that need in my fudged up head that I have that tells me I NEED to have it in order to be productive and function.
I've battled with depression all my life I"m 31, and I hurt my back in a factory like five years ago I herniated a disc moving a crateful of parts. Anyways I started out only taking one once in a while and then the more I realized my moods seemed so much better and my energy was so much better and my depression was nearly gone it was like wow, I could get used to this. I still took them for pain but it was like numbing the pain in my brain was so much euphoric and incredible than anything else I had have experienced in my life. Now I sit because I try so hard to sleep and I can't because I feel like I'm going to litterally jump out of my skin and leap through the yard. I would give anything to feel just how I felt before I started taking pills. I'm so messed up right now, I know that deep down the pills are effecting me negatively anymore. I can't focus, I have three years into my bachelor's degree and I probably won't make it because I have just zoned out so much the last 6 months my grades have dropped i've had to withdraw from certain classes. I cant concentrate I can't think it's like all I worry about day in and day out is getting the drugs where am I gonna get them at, do I have the money, can I sell something to get the money, can I borrow the money, it's so messed up I know as I type it and read it I"m so ashamed of myself but it's like I'm trying to withdrawal right now and all I think about is how much better one pill will make me feel. Like just one pill but then I know in7 hours it will all start all over again. My boyfriend and I have been in this off and on relationship for a long time and I'm not making excuses for my behavior but he's been really emotionally abusive and I didn't really realize it until I started taking classes for human services/psychology I could see it. So another reason I want to stop is so he can't hold this over my head anymore. I mean for years before I ever took a pain pill he was this way and we would fight and argue and sometimes I could get him to be unerstanding about what he was doing and I might get an apology and now it's like I never ever get apologies because I have a pill addiction, he says that he only acts the way he acts because of my addiction which is a lie because he acted this way before. and now he's been flaunting women inn my face...talking to women forming relationships with women, and I think it's really because deep down he hates me because of all of this so in some ways I can't fault him for it but then again in other ways I have asked him for help to take me to a treatment place and he won't he says he doesnt want me to be gone for that long. So it's like I struggle with all of that on a daily basis too, I hate myself already and then I hate myself even more because I feel like the one person who is supposed to love me hates me. So I don't know I hope that I can get through this and just be fricking normal again. Halfway normal anyways. I'm so scared what the next day or three holds like I have so much I need to accomplish and right now I want to do nothing more but lay down and die. Like completely just go to sleep and not wake up. Psychological tortue, I can handle being sick, I have had the flu, I have had violent stomach bugs, being sick is nothing, but the pscyhological aspect telling me that my brain needs this in order to be right is just....not right. Anyone have any advice on how to help with that aspect of all of this? I took 90mg of oxicodone sunday at 6 pm, 30 mg of oxicodone yesterday at 6pm and hoping to get at least one today to help for a couple hours anyways but then I don't know if it's worse doing it this way because then i'm starting withdrawals all over again...I tried smoking some weed yesterday but that just made it all worse, because then I was high and freaking out not fun. Any advice is appreciated. | ||
Posts: 81
Joined: April 22, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 9:06 AM
Hey Messedup,
I took my first pain pill, think a lortab, when I was 16. By 22 I was snorting blue 30's. By 28 I was snorting heroin. At 30 I was doing 2+ grams of dope a day. I was arrested for theft and I was ordered to go to rehab or prison. No brainer, I chose rehab. I was placed on suboxone to help curb my physical dependence so I could work on the mental aspect with a counselor. Detox sucks for sure but the mental part is by far the hardest. All you can do is think about this thing and how it will make the thinking of the thing go away and it's all being manifested by the thing... what a mind f***!! Once you get through detox, the cravings will be really bad. You have to understand that is the addiction messing with your thoughts. Things like "Oh, today sucks, a pill would make it better" or "Oh, today rocks, a pill would make it awesome" are all relapse thoughts. There's many of them. Reward myself cuz I've done good, I can handle just a little bit, It's been awhile since I've used so I'm over my addiction, etc... They come in all shape and sizes. I found that, for me, the best way to handle those thoughts/cravings was to refocus my brain on something else. Anything to take my mind off of it. Then I took it a step further and picked up writing every time I was craving. It's not just mental but behavioral. An addicts cycle is basically... crave the drug, find means to get the drug (money), get the drug, use the drug, rinse and repeat. This is a pattern. Most addicts have a go to spot to use, be it a bathroom or their car in a certain parking lot or where ever. They prepare it the same way, for me it was even down to which card in my wallet I used to make the pile into lines. The whole process of craving, finding, using, is all highly ritualized in an addicts mind. What you need to work on is finding new habits, new behaviors, during these cravings. You need to occupy your brain on something else. Pick up a hobby, go to a gym, get on here and write, anything. Train your brain to identify the craving and then at that point it needs to switch gears and focus on something else. It's not easy at first. Your cravings will seem like they just won't go away. They will, just takes time. The more you do work on this the easier it becomes to dismiss. With regards to your boyfriend... I'm no relationship expert but I would have to say that sounds like the unhealthiest relationship you could possibly be in right now. This is a guy who is going to constantly keep this over your head. He will never let you move on from this. You will eventually lose sight of why you're doing this because you're nothing more than an addict. You don't need someone like that. You need love, support, compassion right now. Someone who will help in your recovery, not hamper it. If that means you have to leave him and be single through all of this then that's still way better then staying. You need to be focusing on you right now, getting yourself better. Remove the negative things in your life, make yourself happy and you will naturally attract positive things into your life. -------------------- "He who master others is powerful. He who can master himself is mightier still." - Lao Tzu | ||
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 9:38 AM
Thanks so much for responding Bryan. I sat my laptop on the floor next to the couch while writhed around in pain for a while and finally slept for like half an hour. now I'm up with stomach cramps and nausea and I know I really think I should leave the situation. I actually almost did the other day we had this huge fight and I packed and was gonna leave and was even going to leave my supplier that's how serious I was about leaving, and it's like I stayed because he told me that he was sorry and if I tried to change he would try to change, but like you said I know and I was already thinking this one of my waking hours lastnight, that he will always hold this over my head. well remember when you were taking pills or remember when you were sick for a month recovering?
I just know him so well that I already know how he handles things. I told him this morning that I wanted to go to the hospital, get referred to inpatient treatment some where so I can work on detox and work on my depression so I dont' do something stupid and he laughed and said "well you did this to yourself get yourself out of it. It shouldn't be that hard just don't be weak," and like i just felt so helpless, but I'm not helpless I can help it I just feel like I can't I know it makes no sense and I'm contradicting myself but I just want to better or a stage of better not just like I said constant state of thinking about it, I didn't admit to anyone that I started snorting them, but I have withdrew before and it has never ever been as bad as it is now. and the only reason I switched to snorting was because it was cheaper because I didn't have to use as much because of the tolerance that built up. So I grabbed a half of thirty and two hours later repeat. Then I had to use a whole 30 and then one and a half and then two and the other day three and it's like I know that I have a problem, I just wish I didn't associate it with everything in my life. Going grocery shopping, better do a line, gonna wash the car, better do a line. Gonna write a term paper, better do two and then have two for a couple hours. It's just not a way to live, but I feel like this, this right now, is not a way to live either. This post has been edited by messedup06 on May 3, 2016, 9:40 AM | ||
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Posts: 81
Joined: April 22, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 10:18 AM
Maybe for right now you get through the detox. Once you're feeling better physically you can address the relationship before the mental stage gets to out of hand.
Everything you do will trigger your addiction, at first. You have to break the thought cycle. Learn to cope and do things without pills. We use them to escape and make things better. Once the high wears off... did we really escape or does the pain come back? You're so use to instant gratification that you've forgotten how to wait for real satisfaction. -------------------- "He who master others is powerful. He who can master himself is mightier still." - Lao Tzu | ||
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 10:44 AM
ya it just all comes rushing back and then you have to do more and more to get rid of it. I just can't stand that I let something have this much power and control over me. and yet I still love it so much. Like how ridiculous. It's basically ruining my life but yet there was a point where I thought it was the best thing in my life, hell part of me still does. I could always count on it, just to help me get through the day. when no one else was there, it was. and it just made everything ok. sounds super depressing and pathetic when I read it. but it's the truth. to me anyways that's how it was.
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 1:02 PM
It's such a scary thing to think about. Ya know to be brutally honest, I went through a miscarriage about 8 weeks ago. I'm not sure if it was from the drug use or what, dr said I was early enough on that there probably something genetically wrong and that's why it happened, because I was honest and said that I had been taking some pain killers and she said well chances are it just wasn't chromosomally right. Anyways, whatever the case may be, I thought my boyfriend would hate me even more and think that it was my fault, well he was ecstatic about it. and now I have all this guilt associated with that, like If i would have known I could have tried harder to be healither...but they told me before that I probably would'nt be able to get pregnant on my own every again because I have pcos. So we still used birth control methods we just weren't 100% proactive cuz we didn't really feel we had to be. Anyways, that's been hard to deal with and his brashness about it all has been really hard for me to deal with too. So I had started taking more and more and over the last month alone it doubled so it's good that Im taking the steps to get off of it, I know, it's just going to be so hard to retrain my brain everything that is has known for the last half decade. I'd love to be able to get over the addiction part and still not have to worry about suffering if I ever need a surgery or something like that in the future because that makes me worried now too. Anyways, I'm just rambling, doesn't seem like these forums have a lot of visitors but it does help to put the thoughts down while they are fresh on the mind
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Posts: 32
Joined: March 7, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 3:35 PM
Hi messedup,
I feel like you and i have a lot in common. Im 34 and addicted to prescription meds too. Its been a 10 yr ride for me. I started with norco then moved on to oxycodone. I finally reached the end of my rope like it sounds like you are! I am on Day 18 of no pain pills. I suffered 14 of those days of pure hell. (Bryan has been such a help for me too). And i hear ya about your boyfriend troubles. Im married, but i always say my husband has the emotion of an ashtray. Always has been unsupportive. You have to put your bf troubles aside and do this for yourself. You have to begin your detox to get your mind clear. I still suffer every single day. As Bryan had mentioned, the mental part and the cravings have started for me now. And its a fight. I still am on 2 other prescriptions that are controlled substances that i neeed to kick and fast. Because its not helpig my recovery at all. Because it still gives me that 'high' . Im taking ritalin and then ambien to sleep. But im happy i got away from pain meds because they were driving me to the point of insanity. My kids, myself and my husband have suffered for it. I work full time and am a regular everyday person.. With an addiction. All i want is to be a normal sober person like everyone else in the world. I get jealous of people who are not addicts. I think wow theyre so lucky! Also, i just wanted to note, when i got pregnant with my second child i was still taking norco. I didnt kick them until i was about 4-5 mnths in. (I quit when pg then started again). So i strongly believe that was not the cause of your miscarriage if that helps at all. But we are all here for you.. Post as many times as you need. We have each other. Because addicts understand each other. | ||
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Posts: 32
Joined: March 7, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 3:38 PM
Also, when i was detoxing i had to take 3 days off work. I had no strength (still dont) and couldnt even barely get up to walk to the bathroom. I was bed and couch-ridden. Main reason why im still takinng this horrible ritalin is because im desperate to find any energy to get thru my day. But as Bryan said, in the end, when the high is over.. You crash. And back to square one. Is it worth it?! Heck no! I too always thought just one pill. But never did any good
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 3:46 PM
Thanks scaredmom! Just knowing that others understand helps take away some of the crazy in me if that makes sense. Because i too am jealous of others who are not addicts like my boyfriend. I never wanted to be this way, I never woke up one day and said hey I'm gonna be an addict who is dependant on something in order just to function and be halfway normal. I'm a very kind, caring person, who would do anything for anybody and it's like I lived with so much sadness my whole life that when I found out how great a norco made me feel I thought I was in heaven. But really it was a quick trip to hell. Constantly worried and scared and fighting with my bf and the thing that has hurt the most is he started talking to other women and it's like such a slap in my face because in my opinion, yes i'm an addict, but I never asked him for money, I used my money, and my bills were always paid, so far it's just now starting to reach a point where it's getting ridiculously out of hand and expensive because I've started using so much. so yes now I could understand where he would be upset but him having "girlfriends" and stuff has been going on for six months and I'm not gonna make any decisions right now while all this is going on but I just hope that he does like he said and he will be better too and stop the negative behaviors that he blames me for. I take full responsibility for my faults and actions and it's like he always uses me as a cop out and because I'm an addict, in his eyes, I never have a logical valid point, im just a stupid addict.
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 3:51 PM
And I am absolutely hating the no strength part of it. seeing the beautiful sun outside that I missed all winter and feeling like I just want to curl up and sleep for as long as humanly possible. It's tough, and I know it's not just 3 days and bam your normal, and that's what is scary too. I work friday and saturday this week 13 hr days. So i'm hoping that the worst is over by then at least. and maybe working will help keep my mind off of it. (fingers crossed) I'll do anything to try and keep my mind busy on something else. I wish I could focus on my school stuff because I used to enjoy that so much and now it's like I just can't focus. Anyways, I hope you start feeling better soon as well scaredmom. Well wishes your way.
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 4:04 PM
Just a side note for you scaredmom I have been taking magnesium a lot the last two days. and i must admit that I feel the most energy of the day after I take the magnesium. I don't know if it's mind over matter or if it's actually helping, but I do notice a difference. Just maybe something you could try to help with the lack of energy. Also I was reading some where about the "Thomas Recipe" to get off opiates and there was a supplement in that, that was supposed to help with energy and such.
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Posts: 32
Joined: March 7, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 4:07 PM
Your boyfriend is just using your addiction against you as an excuse because he knows thats your weakness. My husband throws it in my face too anytime he wants to take a jab at me. You cant take it to heart because thats what an emotionally abusive man does. They love talking down others and kicking them while down and at the worst.
And honestly in my experience with pain meds, it always made my situation worse. Its an endless cycle. And too i think when i switched to oxy's thats when my mind started going crazy. Its something in that that makes you nuts. Pain meds are just deadly. And i hate how much of my life ive wasted. Not to mention, once i plowed thru my month supply by my dr id have to go and spend $400 a week on buying more. Its awful. Getting off of them will be the best thing for you. Detox is hard and horrible and takes sooooo long. But like everyone else says the mental is just as bad. But your not alone. | ||
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Posts: 32
Joined: March 7, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 4:08 PM
Thanks for the tip on the magnesium.. I should probably try that!
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 4:23 PM
Yes it's hurts so much when he uses against me! It's like I already beat myself up about it so badly and then he throws it in my face whenever he can just to do whatever he wants. I will cry and tell him that I don't expect him to understand what I'm saying, but he could at least respect it. And he laugh in my face as I'm crying and tell me that i'm just overreacting or being too emotional because I"m a drug addict. I said I"m emotional because I hate feeling like i'm being cheated on, I'm overly emotional because my heart feels like it's breaking.and he doesnt get it. So I know I have to get over this, because I can't stand not having my feelings validated. And I wish I never would have started with the oxy's. I have definitely noticed the increased lack of concentration. I will literally space out and nod off just out of the blue. I just dont want to feel depressed. I think it's going to be very important for me to find a meeting and people to talk to because I have no other form of support from anyone.
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Posts: 288
Joined: October 12, 2006
Posted: May 3, 2016, 8:54 PM
If you want to go to the hospital and detox YOU would find a way to get there. Im not really sure how the boyfriend comes into play with that. If you get get your drugs you can get YOURSELF help. You have to put as much time and effort into recovery as you did into getting your drugs.
-------------------- JEN I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power,love and a sound mind. 
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 9:14 PM
Well I most certainly could go by myself but then I'm putting people into a position to do things that are my responsibility. Like he said he can't take on all the responsibilites of the house while I"m just gone away for however long it will be that i'm gone. So as I see what your saying, it's alot easier to just say, oh go, be gone and get help but when you have people that rely on you, it's not that easy to just up and leave. Especially knowing that if I do then what do I have to come back to if he is angry with me? Where do I go then, live in a shelter? I leave my home after he specifically tells me not too, then what? I don't need to jump from one problem into another. I listen to him and do it the way he says, even though I"m suffering or I risk having a whole new set of problems on my hands,
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Posts: 81
Joined: April 22, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2016, 10:22 PM
Hello there,
Clearly there are some home things going on that you don't want to talk about. Maybe a child or something. You touch on the topic, but ever so briefly. None of that matters. What I want to bring attention to is your thought process here in hopes you can see the addiction messing with your mind. I'm not even going to break ti down in terms of relationships and/or home life. This is a common thing with all addicts which is what makes recovery so hard. Instead of taking the path that you know you need to take to get over this, you stay in the cycle because it's "comfortable". It's familiar. You'll see a lot of drug addicts working dead end jobs or in a job they don't really like because it pays the bills and get's their fix. Why fix it if it works more or less. No need for self improvement. Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you owe him anything. Anyone anything. No one except yourself. Why should you have to sell a piece of your soul for their happiness if they won't do the same in return. So lets say you go to detox/rehab and you pass the responsiblities off on him. Does he not have a job? Can he not take on some financial responsibility? If not, why in the hell are you supporting a dead beat like this anyways. Say there is a kid involved, you wont be gone but a few so won't have to big of an impact on a child. Plus, single parents do it all the time. Again, don't know the extent of your home life since you didn't really talk on it. Just taking guesses. Also, you mentioned if you go and things get bad at the house he might get angry. Who the hell cares, to be honest. If you're smart then you leave him the second you get back because you will be clear headed and thinking properly. Staying with him will put you right back into using, no doubt. Real talk... not to sound harsh on you but this guy just sounds like bottom of the barrel scum. The fact you can justify to yourself making him happy by making yourself more miserable, despite how he treats you, is really bothersome. You need to seek help. You're self destructing and you really need to address this problem before it gets any more out of hand. I leave you with this thought... you worry about being gone a few weeks for detox/rehab. Most likely not even that as there is out patient rehab. You worry about the ramifications of that happening. What happens when you continue to use and end up getting caught with possession or worse, have to steal to support/hide your habit. You'd be a fool to think it won't happen to you. I have a very advanced degree in computers and at one time drove around in a really nice car with a nice house. My addiction took all that away and left me with a criminal background making jobs at McDonalds hard to get because they deal with money. I now live with my parents as I go to school to get back on my feet. What I'm saying is whether you go now or you go later... sooner or later you're going somewhere for a few. Whether that's rehab on your own will or jail/prison against your will is up to you. If you choose the later, then like most addicts it will be sooner than later. -------------------- "He who master others is powerful. He who can master himself is mightier still." - Lao Tzu | ||
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Posted: May 3, 2016, 10:57 PM
I don't drive, never learned.I drove once and totaled a car and every since I haven't been able to practice because we only have one car and if i were to wreck that then we would have no car. we've been together off and on since I was 16. I don't know anything else. I can't do outpatient because I don't have a car, I can ask for rides, but most people have jobs, I work part time, do school full time. But like I said lately ive been just doing the bare minimum because I have no sense of time management as my days are wrapped up in, well, the addiction. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and I probably am, it just seems like it's easier to stay and deal with it this way and hope it works then to upset my child and my dad who lives with us and I help take care of because he's disabled and doesn't work or drive and relies on me to get him rides where ever he needs to go. I was going to leave the other day and my dad actually told me that I was abandoning my family, my own dad who has seen everything I've went through for 15 years told me that I was the one in the wrong. Made me feel about as big as an ant. but at the sametime, he is scared he will be homeless. It's a really long complicated story and I'm trying my best to manage. Im dreading tonight. I know I won't sleep. I hate that I let myself get so out of control. I know it's not something that can ever been controlled, I just wish I never would have started. When I first started going back to college, my first year, my gpa was a 3.9, now it's barely a 2.9. I'm in risk of academic probation if it drops much lower.
I have been told by people before that I should leave the relationship because he's controlling and verbally abusive, he's been physiaclly abusive but it was never open handed or close handed hits, it was like pushing/shoving/pinching things like that. My son is 12 and I asked him a couple weeks if I were to leave would he want to come with me? and he told me no because this is him home where his animals are and his bedroom is and all his things and I told him I could move all that stuff and bring it with us and he said but not dad, and grandpa. So to think that if I left, he wouldn't come with me, is heart breaking. So that's why I'm still in the relationship. I know it's not healthy it's just what it is I guess. Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and wisdom. I listen and take each word to heart, I don't ignore any of it. I have been checking on here all day long, as it's been my life line to just write and let it all out. I don't have a lot of friends because I don't really go any where, and the friends I do have are mutual friends so I can never talk about anything, not anything important anyways. There is a place that I have thought about checking into before it's south of me about 90 miles. I have to have a referral from a doctor though with my insurance. But I know I need help with my depression because I have thought about suicide a lot lately and that was with taking the drugs so it's just been really bad. I think in the morning I'm going to call and ask exactly what I have to have from my doctor to be admitted for inpatient treatment. I'm sure everything will be fine and people will manage without me it's just scary to me. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: May 4, 2016, 7:22 AM
My recovery began in a 90 day program in 1989 then straight into AA/NA.
I was a suicidal hopeless helpless alcoholic/addict and AA/NA saved my life. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: May 4, 2016, 9:48 AM
Thanks papabear. I started reading the NA book through the link that you posted and it really got to me. I found a meeting that Is closed that I can go to tonight. And it's going to be a giant pain in the a** to get there because it's like 30 mins away from me and my ride is gonna drop me off at the library like 4 hours early. But i want to go and more so I NEED to go. I NEED to know that there's help and i'm not just a lost cause. so even though it'd be a lot easier on this cold, rainy day to sit here and do nothing but wallow in my pity, I want to go to one of those meetings. Thanks again for sharing.
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