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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: December 29, 2012, 1:59 AM
You're not kidding about that damn roller coaster ride. Some days I'm happy and laughing, and then I get some time to my self. Lately, I've been good during those times, but then there are instances where I just think "We will never get to do that together again". And it just sets me off. Its so much different than a break up in that you know the other person is moving on with their lives, thriving and being themselves. But with death, you sometimes forget that you are not simply geographically seperated. And re-remembering that is like hearing the news of their death for the first time all over again.
I'm going to "A"s house Sunday morning. His mom and I are still maintaining the relationship we had before things with "A" and I fell apart. I'm going to their church with them. I haven't been to "A"s since first finding out about his death and I know going to his house is going to be so difficult... he is every where in that house. I can see him in every chair I look at, standing in every room I enter. I can see him walking through the door, I can see him playing with his dogs, calling their names. Part of me wants to go in his room, but another part of me is screaming no, because I know I'll just stand there and wait for him to walk in and he never will. I don't know how I'll do this. I hate this feeling, it makes me feel so trapped. I just want to scream until he comes back. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and I've never hurt so much. I'm just praying that time just hurries the heck up and heals this pain because I feel so stuck in place like this... There was so much left unsaid between us, and such a huge future before us. And that will never happen. The loss of possibilities is extremely tough, too. There was so much we hadn't done yet that I would have loved to do.with him, and now he's gone, permanently. I know many of you are in tough places with some of your addicted loved ones but please, try to tell them you love them as much as possible. I would give anything to tell "A" to his face that I love him, that I never stopped loving him. And I understand thst he couldn't contol himself. Say I love you as much as possible to them because you honestly never know when's the last time they'll hear it. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012
Posted: December 30, 2012, 2:51 PM
New Year Resolve
by May Sarton The time has come To stop allowing the clutter To clutter my mind Like dirty snow, Shove it off and find Clear time, clear water. Time for a change, Let silence in like a cat Who has sat at my door Neither wild nor strange Hoping for food from my store And shivering on the mat. Let silence in. She will rarely speak or mew, She will sleep on my bed And all I have ever been Either false or true Will live again in my head. For it is now or not As old age silts the stream, To shove away the clutter, To untie every knot, To take the time to dream, To come back to still water. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: January 2, 2013, 2:02 AM
That poem was very pretty, thank you :)... I just graduated college with an English degree, so any kind of literature is the perfect outlet for me, no matter what I'm going through. Thanks!
-------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posted: January 3, 2013, 12:30 AM
angel,
i'd like to give you my condolences and let you know i'll keep you in my prayers. i'm so sorry for your loss. i've been separated from my ex, but i know that feeling of still loving him...holding back from saying what's in your heart, hoping he'll get better and come back...waiting for him. then, to receieve the news... i think you are incredibly brave for even being able to speak about it and try to let yourself heal. my ex was passing out in public and having seizures, i know he needs to get help ASAP. i'm so afraid of what might happen to him, but i had to leave for my newborn daughter's sake. you're living out the ultimate nightmare for those in love with an addict, and i think at a young age these experiences can shape you for the better. i say you should write. apply your english degree and jot down poetry, thoughts, feelings, etc. it will help ease the pain and collect your emotions. the death of a loved one is a part of life, we all will experience it at one time or another, but an addict's death is so much more complicated. this, too, will pass. you will see the beauty of life again. i'm sorry to have rambled on your thread. your story has affected me, and putting myself in your shoes...i'll take your advice on telling him i still love him. | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: January 4, 2013, 4:57 PM
To start out on a nice note, I hope everyone had a nice holiday and are starting out the New Year with good intentions. For me, school starts on Monday and the house will be quiet again. lol.
A couple days ago I got a call from my cousins daughter. She called and immediately started crying, which made me think,oh no!!who died??? No one fortunately, she was calling about her brother and wanted to know what she could do to help him. He has had a drug addiction for many years and has escaped with his life on more than one occassion. The last time I saw him was at my sisters funeral,in Feb 2010, and he was doing OK at that point.My family also knows of my addiction and recovery. Meth is his drug of choice, but I would venture to guess he may be like I was many times, a "toxic waste dump".Anything and everything. He lives here in California,current address unknown but maybe Hollywood. His sister lives in Georgia. She said her mom had called him on Christmas to wish him Merry Christmas. When she called me it was like Jan 2nd and he had just called them back and then told them he was homeless. I think that was a big factor in why she called, I don't think he has been homeless before.My heart broke for her because I knew what she was feeling and the fact that I knew I had nothing uplifting or hopeful to tell her. You can all guess what I told her. Until he wants help and asks for it there is nothing you can do. Blunt and right to the point,right? Too blunt and too right to the point? I didnt want to come across as not caring or harsh, but it's the truth. I didnt want to sugarcoat it,thats not right either.I also told her that even if this disease killed him that she cannot feel responsible for not being able to help him. It is, and always has been, HIS choice. I told her he could go to the Salvation Army, or the YMCA and all he had to do was to put his hand out and ask for help. They would give it to him.Someone would help him, he just has to ask.Then it is up to him. Period. I told her she could put him through program after program and spend $$$ doing it, but if he isnt ready to stop it will be money wasted.I found myself apologizing to her for not being able to give her better news. I also told her to come here, to this site, and to talk to the people on the Family Board. A better group of people you wont find anywhere and most if not all, have been through or are going through exactly what she has. So, hopefully she will come and if she does, thank you in advance. Granny This post has been edited by Granny2 3 on January 4, 2013, 5:02 PM -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: January 5, 2013, 6:13 PM
Singlemother, don't apologize for rambling, I really enjoyed reading your post. I'm sorry your experiencing the same pain as I did in loving and leaving a significant other because of their addiction. I'm sure you realize that there is literally nothing you can do to help them until they decide to help themselves, and even then, its a long shot. "A" overdosed less than two weeks after completing rehab. Many times, the addict unfortunately just isn't strong enough. Addiction is a disease unlike any other in that in some small way (and I do mean small) the addict DOES have the option of beating the disease. If they are strong enough, they can. I hope your addict can find the strength within him to get help for himself, and I will keep you guys in my prayers. And Granny, thanks for referring another person to this site! This place is a God-send! -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: January 27, 2013, 11:58 PM
LostInAForest--
I was just wondering, after reading your story... How did you cope with moving on from your late fiance? I'm at that stage right now where moving on and meeting someone else is almost repulsive to me, where no one could match up to "A"... I saw the person he was when his life wasn't being driven by addiction and I can't imagine anyone being better than the good person he was under it. I guess I just want to know how the future looks in regards to my feelings and moving forward after losing someone I loved so much. -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 25
Joined: January 7, 2013
Posted: January 29, 2013, 9:10 PM
I just read this and it broke my heart. I am so very sorry for your lost. I wish I had words to heal your soul and heart, I can not imagine the pain you must fill. I hope god helps you each and everyday move forward.
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: January 30, 2013, 9:13 AM
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers... Slowly each day it gets a little better, as initial shock wears off, so I'll get there.
Thank you :] -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 251
Joined: May 13, 2009
Posted: February 1, 2013, 5:03 PM
Apologies Angel, I just saw the question you asked me. I guess thats one of the signs that I am moving on, that I no longer read here every day!
I, too, went through that stage of being horrified at the thought of being with anyone else. When I asked my fiance to leave it wasnt because I didnt love him or want to be with him, I still hoped and prayed he would come back to me, though my gut told me that it would end with his death I hoped that I was wrong. It was hard to think of being with anyone else because he was so perfect for me in every way other than this horrible disease. To be honest, the first year was just dreadful, after the initial shock of his death I felt like I was just trudging along with no joy in my future, just grief. I had a little melt down at about six months in, panic attacks (which I have NEVER experienced before and have always thought people who had them needed to give themselves a shake! Karma eh!) which overwhelmed me, the thought of doing the most basic thing such as attending a swim party for my friends little girl tied my stomach in knots/couldnt get breath/made me cry. I remember the turning point where I just sobbed and sobbed in my Daddys arms, couldnt cope with the intensity of my grief which was relentless from the moment I woke up, its just so exhausting. My Daddy has suffered depression before and he understood but he just said to me 'you have to go on...just put one foot in front of the other, you have to force yourself, noone can do it for you.' After the first year things did start to get easier and after two years I started to grow close with a friend I had known for many years who had been seperated from his girlfriend for six months, we had always liked each other but nothing had ever happened. He also knew my fiance and was very supportive of both him when he was alive and myself, always in a non judgmental, kind way. I dont know if it was because I had known him for so many years as a friend but it felt very natural and didnt feel like a betrayal of my fiance, I guess I was ready to move on and know that my fiance wouldnt have wanted me to be lonely all my life (I am only 39 and he died 3 years ago) As it turns out, the guy I started seeing has gone back to his ex-girlfriend but I am ok. He has a child with her and if theres any chance they can make it work then I think they should. I don't want to be the reason a little boy doesnt have his Daddy there when he wakes up. He was very honest with me and I respect that and his desire to look after his childs best interests, he is a good man. I guess this relationship was good for me in helping me to move on because it was someone I knew so well already and he knew my situation, I was able to talk openly about my fiance and things like going to dinner with his parents (which I still do). I've always been ok being on my own, I was single for six years before getting together with my fiance but after some time on my own and dipping my toes back in the water I do finally feel ready to move on. I feel open to the thought of a future filled with good things. I will never forget my fiance and treasure our time together, I feel privileged to have loved and been loved by such an amazing man and I have learned so much from the relationship, gifts to carry forward with me. I believe I am more tolerant and less judgmental and I believe I treasure the small things more because of the awful things I went through. Gosh I really have rambled on, thank you for your question its really made me think! I think what I want to say to you is give it time, a cliche I know but it works, you will move on when you are ready and when it feels right. I dont think you can force it, be gentle with yourself and dont worry about the bad days, they get fewer and further between. Let yourself grieve, cry when you need to then wash your face and go face the world. One day you can be breaking your heart and cant see the end and then you wake up the next day feeling more positive....ride the wave. Also, cherish your memories, don't hide from them as they fade too quickly, now I look back at things and smile at the thought and love that I still remember how he made me feel. Finally, keep coming here, I still love to read of the people who helped me so much and I found trying to help others also helped me come to terms with it and helped organise my own thoughts. There is hope Angel, I feel so much for you, writing this has made me cry but the pain is less raw and will be for you too. One foot in front of the other honey and you'll get there. Sending so much love, I hope this has helped you xxxx -------------------- "Like the sun, you need to fall before you rise. When it's sunset, it doesn't mean the sun will never rise again it simply means it's time for something else to happen (night). It's the same with our lives. When we are hurt and down, it doesn't mean we will remain down forever but simply means it's another phase in life that we have to go through. If you always pay attention to sunrise & sunset, after the sun has set when it rises again it's most likely to shine brighter than the last time; it's the same with humans. When you are down & defeated today, make sure you rise stronger, more courageous and bolder. No matter what you are going through, it's not forever." Written in 2009 by Lilly Musi | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 1, 2013, 5:20 PM
Lost, so good to hear from you...don't be a stranger. You sound really good...go you =)
-------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: February 1, 2013, 5:30 PM
Wow, you really are amazing, and thank you for that. And I'm glad that in asking that question, I was able to make you think as well. You're right about the ups and downs. Some days I'm happy as ever, while others I just want to scream and throw things and slam my fists into the walls. But reading your posts are so inspiring to me, and I'm so glad you've posted on here to me a few times. You're probably the only person I've even been in contact with who I can relate to the most. And I'm glad to see that things obviously will get so much better as the days, months, and years go on. So thank you for that :]
I was also just wondering, do you ever find that people view your fiance's death as less traumatic because it wasn't like he was your "husband"? I feel like some of my closest friends even, are possibly growing impatient with my grief, or concerned that it is "overtaking" my life (when in fact "A" only died in mid-December) believing that since he was "just a boyfriend" it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it, or feeling. My family is much more understanding, but this past week I've started to lose patience with 3 of my friends. I guess they don't understand. None of them have lost anyone so close to them, and one of them has never even been in love before. I just can't stand the idea that there are people who believe they know how I should feel and when I should move on even if they ARE some of the people I'm closest with. I know I should accept the fact that they will NEVER understand what I'm going through, but it still so frustrating to me. Did you ever deal with an issue like that? -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: February 1, 2013, 5:52 PM
Thanks for checking in & sharing, Lost. Hugs.
And Angel, the emotional attachement & bond, whether you were married or not, was there. Don't diminish your feelings because you weren't married. xoxo Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: February 1, 2013, 6:35 PM
Thanks, Stacey. I wish my friends were wise enough to see that... :/
-------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012
Posted: February 2, 2013, 1:19 PM
Hi Angel, I'm going through the same 'you should be over this by now' feelings from my family. My husband and I were married, but only for 2 years, knew each other 5 years. They didn't like him and I'm sure they're feeling I'm much better off now that I don't have to deal with the addiction drama. But, damn, do you think you could just let me grieve?!?
One month to day day after he died one of them asked me if I had ever been to the ChristianMingle website. **holy crap** I told them that it would be quite a while before I worried about dating again. I finally sent them a link on grieving, maybe they will choose to read it maybe they won't. One of my friends wanted to 'remind' me that it wasn't all good with my husband and his addiction. Again **holy crap**. I continue to go to al-anon meetings and am going to begin going to a grief group, I also have a classmate from HS that went through a similar situation a year ago that I talk to. That has helped me tremendously also. As far as the advice and comments, I'm trying to take what I need and leave the rest. Doesn't always work...but it's sound advice. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Busca | ||
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Posted: February 2, 2013, 2:10 PM
I read this and just cry...
I can not imagin, my heart goes out to you both. -------------------- "It is hard to watch someone you love fall to the depth of their "bottom" ...you can only hope it does not take them long to reach it, survive it...and begin the long slow climb out." | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: February 4, 2013, 11:02 AM
Busca, that's so horrible that someone actually suggested you go to ChristianMingle, so soon after your husband's death. I find it ridiculous that people make suggestions when they have never been in a situation like yours and don't understand the emotions behind it. It is literally the most frustrating thing in the world when people who don't understand think they can just "fix" everything with a simple suggesting. That's the problem I'm running into with my friends.
My one friend said to me "Well, have you thought that maybe you're mourning the loss of your relationship and not really the loss of "A"?" But she's never even been in love before. How dare she suggest that I'm mourning the relationship and not the actual person "A" was. Because she and I were both away at school for most of the time "A" and I were dating, she only saw us together as a couple a small handful of times. How could she POSSIBLY try to understand even the tiniest details of our relationship when she barely saw us together? I was so upset when she suggested that. Like she was trying to "get to the bottom" of my feelings or something,and suddenly her question would fix everything. Its not that simple. She's never even had anyone close to her pass away, either. I think what she said to me hit me harder than any other insensitive thing that some other people have said to me. Fortunately, my family understands better than my friends do, so I can distance myself from them if I want. She's still my friend, we still have a solid history behind us, but I was just so hurt when she said that... I think she realized by my reaction that she had said something wrong though. I was pretty much at a loss for words, I told her it was MUCH more complicated than that, and the feelings I'm experiencing are almost impossible for me to even try to explain to her. Sorry for going on about this, I guess I just can't get over how shocking her comment was. And I'm just ranting a little at this point. :/ -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 4, 2013, 5:33 PM
As nutty as it seems, people actually think they are being helpful and do not see the insensitivity in their comments. It's not an excuse at all, and speaking for myself, if I am uncomfortable or not sure what to say, I stick to "I'm sorry for what happened" or "I'm sorry you are feeling so low". How can anyone know what it is to grieve a significant other and to bury all the hopes and dreams you had for a life together?
I'm sorry for both of you that this is how things happened and I will keep you both in my prayers. Peace ~ M&M -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate. | ||
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Posts: 88
Joined: November 1, 2012
Posted: February 5, 2013, 11:00 AM
M&M, I'm so glad you post on here. There have been so many instances where you have just said the right thing to me, and to others. Thank you :]
--Lindsay -------------------- Last night I tried to leave Cried so much I just Could not believe She was the same girl i Fell in love with long ago She went in the back to Get high I sat down on my couch And cried Yelling oh mama please Help me Wont you hold my hand And Let her cry | ||
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Posts: 47
Joined: August 14, 2012
Posted: February 5, 2013, 12:52 PM
Rant away Angel, it will hurt you if you keep it inside. It is unfortunate that many can't understand our pain, a pain we'd never wish upon another. It's also unfortunate that we have to steel ourselves to this potential talk while also steeling ourselves to the next wave of grief and sadness.
For me it's like a rip tide pulling me out to sea, I'm trying to swim back to shore, but I know I have to ultimately swim parallel to shore to get out of the rip tide and I swim. While swimming I'm short of breath, physically hurting, overwhelmed and hoping that once again I will make it back to the safety of the shore before the next wave hits. With grief like addiction we are powerless. Momnmore, thanks once again for your wise thoughts. Busca | ||
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