Please Why Cant I Stop
Posted: December 10, 2011, 7:20 AM

it's so hard, why do i hurt the ones i love, everyday i hate myself more.
for the lying and deception. the constant disapointment, but the cravings are too strong why cant i control of the urges, Any advice? help.
Posted: December 10, 2011, 9:55 AM

Posts: 144
Joined: October 25, 2011

Welcome Drew!
These boards are kinda slow on weekends, but some of the experts will be along for some advice real soon. Glad your asking for help, that is a good sign. You need to understand your addiction is causing you to do these things, it is stronger than you alone. You will need some help, n/a meetings in your area is the first place you need start. I promise there is a way out buddy, hang tough, remember for every action you cause a reaction, so take a deep breath and think before you act on the cravings next time.
Keep posting, how long u been using? What's your drug of choice? How are you using? Do you have someone close you can talk to, and tell them the truth? Those are some things you need to write down now and post here. We will help, but we would like to hear your story. So keep posting, don't hold back, no judgement here, we are all addicts here, same book just a different chapter.

I'll be looking for your next post.
Welcome again. !!!

A dead end road is simply put: a place to turn around!
Posted: December 10, 2011, 9:14 PM

Hi Double trouble
Thanks for the kind words not sure where to start, i inject speed, have done for 11 years had cleaned myself up for the last 6 years and settled down with my very understanding partner, however it seems when ever i run into someone i used to know or just stumble across some i cant help myself i know i shouldn't but something inside takes over and i find myself pushing off again... oh god this is F@#$#@, cravings suck sooo bad.

this is the fist time i have reached out, probably because i am so scared of losing what i have worked so hard to achieve and probably the only thing keeping me on the right track my girlfriend. sometimes i feel if she wasnt around i'd be back where i was, what scares me is i feel comfortable with that, every time i use i go behind her back and when im not on it i cant stop thinking about it and when i am on it i hate myself soo bad.

i will try and keep your word close thanks.
Posted: December 10, 2011, 11:58 PM

Posts: 144
Joined: October 25, 2011

Hey Drew,
I just posted my feelings about your problem in your other thread "MORE".
You can do this!!
Keep us updated my friend, we will be here for you

Good luck.
Aka Doubletrouble

A dead end road is simply put: a place to turn around!
Posted: December 11, 2011, 12:09 AM

Posts: 99
Joined: September 1, 2011

Hey there Drew, thanks for sharing. The boards are unusually slow, probably because of the holidays coming up etc. I would like to suggest to you that you post on the pain pills board or even the heroin or alcohol ones. They get a lot more people on those for whatever reason.

The first thing I am inclined to say is that you mentioned the one and only thing you have is your partner right now, or something like that. Well, that triggers a lot of red flags to me. You are not worthy or worth "something" because of the person you are with, your selfworth comes from within. You have some work to do on self esteem and confidence. I notice this about you because, well, I have noticed this about myself from time to time in my life. You cannot base your happiness or rate your success by who you are "with" and why.

If she really loves you, Drew, then when you open up to her and tell her what's been going on with you, then chances are that she will support you. That's probably exactly what you need right now.

That "thinking" that happens is your brain in addict mode telling you that it's ok, just one more time, etc. etc. etc. DO NOT LISTEN! Better yet, as they say, play the tape til the end in your head. Go out, buy, score, whatever....use...then what? Guilt, shame, remorse...nothing good my friend.

Please come back and post some more. it's good for you, it's good for us and it will help you, I promise. You have found this site for a reason. Welcome home, Drew.

Posted: December 11, 2011, 4:17 PM

Hey jax,
Thanks for your kind words, and advice. i told her yesterday, sat down together and got it all off my chest, she was upset naturally but more concerned about me and that i had kept my using from her, She wants us to start looking into an NA program, she really wants to help but.. i dont want to talk with her about it. i just feel like pushing her away. i try to talk to her about my cravings and using but i feel weak and ashamed and then resentful,
my minds not in a good place today.
Really struggling....
but you guy's have finally made me feel like i can talk to someone who understands,
ill try and be more positive next post
Thanks Lonny and Jax
You guys a great thanks again.
Posted: December 11, 2011, 7:24 PM

Posts: 144
Joined: October 25, 2011

That's good news Drew!! That was the right decision and it was hard to do I know. I admire you for it. Now I can understand how your feeling l, but also consider how she feels too. I'm sure she has a million questions and she is confused too. And she wants to understand, but as addicts we simply don't know the right answers to all the questions, and that is why your having those feelings right now. Both of you take a breath, get to a meeting together ASAP! And the best advice I have right now is to get her educated on addiction and addictive behavior. And of course even if you do already know it, go ahead and educate with her and she will understand why and many questions will be answered by learning about it. You need to let the shame, guilt, and all that go ASAP !! It's not your fault, don't blame yourself. Those exact feelings are a trap that keeps us repeating the cycle, and under the addiction. You know it's not you. Honestly why would we play that same game again, when it always ends the same. BAD!

So that's all I have. And get on here and post anything you feel like, cause we understand. And posting helps you more than you know.
You are gonna win this time buddy!
We are here for you and we care.

Keep us posted!

A dead end road is simply put: a place to turn around!
Posted: December 14, 2011, 1:14 PM

Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004

Hi Drew,....DoubleTrouble and Jax both said it well,....I'd like to start out by saying to you congratulations on being clean for the six years. From one meth head to another,...that was no easy task. It doesnt feel like it now because you are using again, but the fact you cleaned up once should be a matter of pride as well as a real life indicator of your strength and proof that you CAN and will get clean again.

Those negative feelings like self-doubt, lack of self esteem, worthlessness, and more,....are all the meth talkin. ( well, to be totally honest and open about it, is the addicts brain "influenced" by meth thinking it) so as our "thoughts" go,...our lives follow. There's a little saying that works really well in meth recovery,..."fake it, 'till you make it" a version of the power of positive thinking.

A lot of people have a hard time understanding meth's pull. Practically all other substances are a lot worse in terms of physical recovery. Personally speaking tho,...I've abused almost every substance,...yet always reached a point with each where I just didnt want to use anymore and stopped. For myself, and I believe for every meth addict,...meth is a beast of its own. The more I learned about meth addiction, the more I was able to put rational thoughts into use in my fight for recovery,.....I highly recommend you learn all you can about meth and the addiction to it. I'd make that the second most important thing.

The number one important thing you've already gotten. Recognizing you are addicted to meth,...coming to grips with the psychological mind F that is meth addiction, and owning it all is key to recovery. YOU have that, and are working it! Now just stop being so down on yourself,....feeling negative/ down is almost as bad as having a big ol' chunk of meth in front of you.

You sooooo rock Drew,...getting 6 yrs clean the hard way ( on own without outside help) Having picked up the habit again in no way takes away that accomplishment,...You see the importance of your relationship,....and took the most awesome of steps,..."open honesty" with her. Dealing with meth addiction, as well as with most all aspects of life,...the answers we seek are already within us. All we need to do is change how we are viewing something. For an example, your posts, you appear to have a very negative view of yourself. My view of you is one of high respect and admiration. Sure you have an issue, but who doesn't????

Being addicted to meth isn't the lowly addiction that many stigmatize it with. The one thing I never ceased to be amazed about when it came to meth addiction is "who" all actually used. Bottom line,...ANYONE in every part of society can be addicted to meth. The easy way of dealing with that addiction is to keep on using and HIDING it!! I was a heavy user for 35 yrs,....only the last 20 yrs did I want to stop. I know it is very cliche',...yet is so very true,.."If I could quit using, anyone can"!! I was an active user when I first posted here over 7 yrs ago. almost 8 actually, those last 20 yrs, I went thru 3 IOP programs ( Intensive Outpatient Program ) plus a 4th one I signed myself in for to help me deal with the depression I was experiencing after a year or so clean,....I had all that clean time yet each and every day was a struggle just to "live" The more years an addict uses,....the less they're able to deal with life on it's own terms. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps with that.

It isnt easy getting free of meth and living life without it. I promise you though, gets easier and easier with time, and is well worth the effort. There are as many paths to recovery as there are addicts, NA meetings, online recovery sites, even AA meetings ( a person only addicted to alcohol is goin the way of dinosaurs ) may or may not be your ticket, either way tho, excellent way to start out though,.....Personally I'm not a huge fan of 12 step meetings, or even all 12 of the steps,....each and every group is different,....if you can find the right group it can be amazing, around. I think the most important part of meetings is that you are surrounded by like minded people who all want a cleaner, better and more fullfilling life. ( watch out for groups that are mostly attended by "court orderd" people,...I didnt like meetings because I moved across the country to get away from meth,....I want to avoid ever being in a situation where the meth is right there)

After all that long winded writing, I'm about to hit the "post" button,..I saw the title of your thread again,...."why can't I stop" You can!!! you have already done it once,...every use since then is a learning experience,...the people, places, situations are all triggers. Know your triggers and avoid them,...know meth and how it works in the brain,....knowledge is key.

Best of luck to you and your significant other,......

It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't

Never go faster than your Angels can fly

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet.

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha

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