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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 26, 2011, 8:49 PM
Thank you, I wonder at times if I'm just talkin to myself lol.
Now that Christmas has passed, I'm feeling myself relax and feel better. It's a stressfull time, and stress is a huge, huge trigger. I'm thinking of Jodi, Drew, zed, and all you others struggling. Please don't be down on yourselves if ya used, personally, if you were able to quit during the holidays, I bow down to you, my hats off,....you pulled off a holiday miracle. Or maybe the only reason you didnt use was because you couldnt afford it,...hopefully because you had your priorities straight. Putting the kids, family, rent, bills, food first. It may not have been the hoiday you wanted,....but seriously, it was what was needed. THAT is something you should feel proud about. Be good to yourselves, addiction to meth happens, more than we think. It's a tough nut to crack, strength grows through forgiveness of ones self, and pride in ones choices. It is not a weak person who reaches out for help, it's a weak person who won't. Love and respect to you all. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 28, 2011, 6:41 PM
grrrr again,...was logged in, wrote a fairly lengthy post that I was feeelin really good about and when clicking "post" it acted like I wasn't logged in, another lost post. maybe I'll try later, Hoping everyone is doin OK
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 30, 2011, 12:36 AM
A very common theme amongst those trying to stop is that feeling of hopelessness. Feelings of worthlessness which in turn cranks up the depression factor. How do you fight depression when it "seems" you have nothing to be happy for?
Find a reason, or if you can't do that create a reason to feel good. Meth takes such a toll on the natural, reward and pleasure system of the brain,....it takes time and effort to rewire, or reprogram the brain. Try ARK,....Acts of Random Kindness! Far too many people focus and concern themselves solely on themselves. Constantly looking only at what they don't have, instead of being grateful for what they do have. Maybe you think you're a loser due to your addiction,...the fact you are struggling so much,....you've convinced yourself you can't do it (quit) thru all the times you gave up. That's something I did. You are actually in a unique position,...one in which you can help yourself, by helping others. Even if you are still using, to share, to help a family member or friend gain an understanding of the meth addict they love will reward you in ways greater than any high meth gave. Did you ever listen to someone tell you to not use drugs who never used?? Those people caused me to check that S#*t out! "Who are you to say I shouldn't do that?" was my attitude,...Geeeez, I sure get it now hahaha. When you stop dwelling on your own misery, and do something very selfless to help another. It might just trip you out how much better it makes you feel. Taking lil baby steps towards finding a happy life again. It's amazing the power struggling addicts give to each other when opening up and sharing the crap they are going thru. Cry together, b**** to each other, support each other,....and congratulating each other for their successes. You really do not have to go thru this alone,....why would you want to?? not when alone is the very toughest way to go. Just reach out, ......and do not let go,.... -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
Posts: 6
Joined: December 27, 2011
Posted: December 30, 2011, 5:37 PM
Nice one lol your an inspiratin well for me that is and hopefully for alot of other addicts out there. Am a herion user and l havent touched it for 3 months now, am taking subs. This was the first christmas being clean with out rushing out the door to score. Dont know were to start got so much l want to say.
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: December 30, 2011, 5:57 PM
Just start...tell your story...who you are...what you want...where you've been...do it here and on the heroin board...we're good people around here.
Merry Christmas, J1M...I owe you one :-) Peace ~ M&M -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
Posts: 8
Joined: December 30, 2011
Posted: December 30, 2011, 6:38 PM
triggers....help....was moving a copier had away for last two years, ive been clean 2.5 years and when i moved the machine , it was like something elce was moving my body, boom boom, open up hiding place and my hands went straight back, there, like it was time travel, and there was my pipe, greatfull dead tin and meth, come play, come play with me friend , called that good ol" dame, crystal, could hear my child at other end of room, leaving going up stairs, looked at my pipe, not so clean, oh how i loved a clean pipe, and what a pipe always had great ones, hand made for me, got them by the box load,.......smashed the pipe, added water to the bag and kept the tin, and sat down and went into the past, i miss the whole game, the taste, oh the taste, but not the high and the thoughts spinning around for days, but the people and the party are over.....what do i do, i know there more dope and tools hidden, i just knew not to look for it, that dame crystal, is sitting there, waiting to see if i want a play, and i dont.
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 30, 2011, 7:34 PM
Find it all and get rid of everything as soon as you can. You had the strength to smash that pipe,....use that strength now while you have it!! It's New Years Eve tomorrow,...then the start of a new year. Sure it is a struggle,..you're probably thinking "ah hell, it's only a little bit, what can it hurt?"
It will hurt your pride if nothing else. All those bad feelings you have now mulitiplied many times. Get rid of it,...and in spite of the cravings,...deep inside yourself you ARE going to know you did the right thing,....An action that took guts, strength, and a commitment to not use ......That's somethin to be real proud of,...hold your head up high knowing you were tested and passed. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 30, 2011, 7:38 PM
just thought I'd add,....I sure relate to enjoying a clean, fresh pipe! . right now I feel the pull of using,....it's a tough go, You can do it,...think of the kids,...think of the clean time you have.
What I want to know,....how have you made it this long having a stash hidden??? great job -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: December 30, 2011
Posted: December 30, 2011, 9:01 PM
never went a hunting......never spent time in the other house......too many ghosts.....cant go looking for it as i come across too many other memories, and they send me back to the other life, and her, sometimes i can taste it and feel so sad that them dayz are done, and so everything remains in the same state and place as it was the day i walked away from that dame, crystal......its now moving stuff to reclaim my office and work space, had to as ive sold my bike, took along time to get to this but shes gone now, goodbye, and now its the can of worms......i gotta just ride this one out, each time she tests me and yeah i keep thinkin one last party would be so...........yuck at the end just yuck, yes i think of all my clean time and kids and that makes me want a taste more, so im re livin the yuck of being high on my own for dayz and I HATED IT>>>>new years eve all those years ago is when i moved onto a pipe, and its new years eve and im screwed if i try and hunt the tools down, i know ill use, cause i want to......that pipe felt good in my had, ol' friend, dream makea, dream takea, gotta finda my muchness again and get strong as theres a box of brand new pipes, hidden in this treasure cave im trying to clean out, and the spooks of the past i so miss. I really thought i was past this. done and dusted, but these triggers are bad..
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 31, 2011, 1:42 PM
Oh yessss, those triggers are such a b*@*h . I loved the pipe as well,...made my own,...spending hours upon hours with the torch, stretching, blowing and forming a new, beautiful pipe. Often, those I partied with would say I should make and sell them. Nah! that was my private, guilty pleasure. Then I'd realize I'd wasted most of my high, stash, and time "tweaking" Attempting to justify what I'd been doing as "art"
This is an example of why I believe the meth board to be so slow. With 7 years free of my "precious", after reading & replying you your post. I slept absolutely terrible last night. I had "using" dreams every time I drifted off. Waking up often as I dreamt of the pipe and my old friend "precious". I've dreamt of using meth before and I've always been able to talke it in stride. Was just a dream,...a free ride without the consequences,..just a movie. This was different,...I felt these dreams as they happened. very "real" dreams, as if they were real life,...I'd wake up panicked, ashamed, dissapointed,..and weak. Cause I also felt that craving again to use,...to play with torch and glass pipe. whether still fighting the need to use meth,....or clean and past the worst,......often, the best thing to do is keep meth completely out of your head. Not thinking about it at all,...not even looking back, only forward. If I had any connections for meth now,....I'd have to stop coming to recovery boards. Kudo's to you bro for having the strength to not go a hunting. When I ran out,...my hiding places got torn upside down,...every bag scraped, every crumb, fleck, found,...straws cleaned, pipes thoroughly flamed to extract every last bit. Thats the biggest reason I don't go to meetings, do my recovery via the internet,. I'm safe this way. Smart enough to know the best way to win a fight is to not get into it in the first place. What was kinda cool this morning, is I flipped TV channels and came across an episode of "Addiction" dealing with a meth addict. Funny how the world works sometimes. I applaud and am so very happy for those who leave here as a need to remain in their recovery. As one who's been there before, knows meth, and those addicted to it better than anything else in my life. My gut tells me that many who've posted here have given up. Too difficult to quit,...not having the time, too busy, unwilling to get past the depression. Why bother? been doing it this long, knowing another line, bowl, hit, will make you at least feel alive. How can "anything" ever feel good again without meth??? Not only does everything feel good again without meth,. It feels better, more enjoyable than ever. I promise,.....every recovered meth addict will promise you that,....just give it time, give life without meth a chance. -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: December 31, 2011, 2:25 PM
Jodi, zed, drew,....everyone who's posted, just want to wish you all a safe and happy new years. Y'all are in my thoughts.
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: December 30, 2011
Posted: January 1, 2012, 2:51 AM
oh man i hear you loud......but i have to at some stage clear this area out, now that the bikes gone everything feels ready to moved, just knowing that dame is lurking around waiting for me to turn her down or burn is a mixed up set and after having the first ever really touch and pull scared me upstairs, not going to give up my clean time for spooks of the past but a messy head can do such damage eh....
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 1, 2012, 2:05 PM
Hey Horsepowa,...that struggling you have goin on is tough to endure. Be proud! take pride, put a little effort into feeing good about yourself for not giving in. You are an inspiration to me, and all other addicts.
Deep inside your mind,..the end of meth is near. It's a scary proposition for us meth heads. Lord of the rings,..Gollum and "precious" is a great comparison. Meth, like the ring fools you into believing it's power is so great. an unrelenting draw to it. well, you get the idea maybe, if you're into such movies. This morning I watched a few episodes of a show called "brain games" on the National Geographic Channel. It gets deep into the complex workings of the brain. Our perceptions, interpretations, thought processes and such. Blows my mind that substance abuse doesn't wreak even more havok on the brain. Also surprising the heck outta me meth hallucinations are not a fact for each user. This is just my opinion, and interpretation of some things this show brought to light. They proved how we all (98%) are only capable of focusing on one task at a time. So-called multi-taskers simply are able to switch their focus from one thing to another more easily. It is also amazing how our minds are wired to take shortcuts. Kind of like when you type letters into your search engine, it automatically brings up things it "thinks" you're headed for. Magicians use these quirks our brains have to do what they do. We accept what our senses tell us to be true. So when quitting meth, it is difficult because every sensory system practically wants what it's been getting. Then with us feeling so down and depressed,..all our attention and focus is on all that. A snowball effect if you will to a dark lonely isolated place. Making quitting, or staying off meth next to impossible. Break up that pattern, stop that snowball,...switch focus from things thought dark, or impossible. To all things possible. For you Horsepowa,..you have a lot of focus on wanting to use that miserable dame again,...the more you dwell on that, the worse you feel about yourself. THAT is your focus, and how you feel are the results. Everything exactly the same, but a switch in focus, view. You have what? 2 and a half years clean?? That's huge man!! Something to be very proud of, I've seen a LOT of big, bad, strong in both body and mind men fall to meth's pull. To those not into meth it may not seem like a big deal ( again, I in no way mean to take away from what other people have to go thru with their DOC ) To me, doin what you're doin is Rockstar like. I'll be flat out open and tell you I had a flash thought of " well hell,...if you dont want to clean that stuff out, I'll gladly do it for you!" Thinking geeez, it'd only be a little bit. Granted, meth is an inanimate substance,...It did not force itself on us,....it is always a choice to use,......or not use. To keep using is the easy path,....but only in early recovery. Facing your fears, taking them all on, head on is a reward of itself. Think about it, you feel guilty when you use,..a negative,....Teach yourselves, train yourselves to realize and feel the good, the positive of not using. Your choice,...... -------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 8
Joined: December 30, 2011
Posted: January 2, 2012, 1:31 AM
that was the craziest moment ive had the whole 2.5 years, closest its ever got.....lord of the rings, epic, knew a few people who worked on that moive, meth heads, great memories of the movies tho, they are filming the hobbit at moment.......are my memories of great times and them feelings on meth flashbacks?? sometimes i just sit a remember with a smile and wish i could see those crackers again, ha easy come easy go and know that they have no place in my life now and thats the end of it, but just of late wham, big time, do i really want nothing ever never to do with that dame, hell yeah.......after 2.5 years ive had to learn to live simple, not gramdiose supported, ha that was easy, but like you promised me it gets better and today i kicked some spooks a**e, and sorted a small space and moved some bike frames and boxes, man i had it hidden in the frames, gone, just add h2o, and im doing fine, i hear your words nearly at the end, bring it on; but fine is not fine for me so its off to the positive thinking tank and got the kids sorted to shoot some hoops, sigh....
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 5, 2012, 7:44 PM
Can't believe I've got this cold again,..feelin rough, so may not be around much for a few
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: December 27, 2011
Posted: January 6, 2012, 1:36 PM
Happy New Year. Hope u get well stay warm and and have a hot soup.
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Posts: 14
Joined: October 6, 2011
Posted: January 8, 2012, 4:40 AM
i hate myself coz im still in this damn thing, yes the cutting down was somewhat a progress but i want to end it now..what do i do? i feel so helpless.. i don't understand why is it so hard if all you do is just stop.. very simple but its driving me nuts coz half there's still 30% of me that still want to keep doing what i got used to doing for the past 4 years of my life what makes it so hard is that all the activities in life includes meth all my triggers are part of my daily routine in life that i got so used to doing, my parents not to mention it was my mom who thought me how to use meth even the one who brought me to all my connections in meth. my dad just doesn't stop bugging me for meth even threatens me that anything can happen if i dont give what kind of parents are they right? i dont want to hate this world but you see everything from my parents friends everything around me everything i do meth is part of it so what do i do?. hope i find the courage here | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 11, 2012, 7:07 PM
You gotta get out of there! I'll keep my opinions of your dad to myself,....Do you live with your parents? whether you do or not,...you need to put some distance between you and them, as well as all your connections and triggers. Have you looked into any treatment facilities??
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 1101
Joined: August 27, 2004
Posted: January 14, 2012, 6:04 PM
jodi??? how are you? I'm here for ya
-------------------- It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you aren't Never go faster than your Angels can fly Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you havn't fallen asleep yet. We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha | ||
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Posts: 14
Joined: October 6, 2011
Posted: January 16, 2012, 12:57 PM
hi, i appreciate your concern if you only know how much you've helped me.. i havn't taken meth yet for days not too long tho but the withdrawal stage feels awful i swear i cant get myself off from bed i sleep whenever im idle but if i move my body feels so heavy makes me just wana relapse..is there anything i can do for me not to feel this? how long will i feel awful..im not feeling good i swear i hope i can hang on to this much longer i dnt wanna relapse after all the effort
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