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Help With Percoset Addiction


Posts: 4
Joined: August 19, 2014


Posted: August 19, 2014, 5:17 AM
Hi. I'm new here and really need some support/encouragement. I'm sorry for the long post but I'm fighting depression and suicidal thoughts and have no where to turn. I am a college educated single mother of 3 beautiful boys. I still have a wonderful career (thanks be to God) but cannot hide behind my façade much longer. I never thought I would be in the hell I'm in right now. I'm addicted to percocet, am in financial crisis, and can't find a way out. I've been addicted for four years. It all began with a simple knee injury where I discovered the euphoria of lortabs. It was love at first sight. I've always struggled with depression and feelings of low self worth and opioids filled the gap in my life. My urge to use and my addiction has escalated to 100 mgs. of Percocet daily. I get them on the street and have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I hate myself for what I've done to my body, my children, my family, and myself. I have reached rock bottom and am finally seeking help. I have an appointment with a doctor who prescribes Suboxone in September, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm broke, discouraged, and just want to hang in the towel. If I go to rehab, I will surely lose my job. If there is anyone out there to give me a kind word, I would so greatly appreciate it. I am at the end of my rope and am fighting the urge to end it all. Thank you, Lisa


Posts: 23
Joined: August 1, 2014


Posted: August 19, 2014, 6:08 AM
Hi Lisa,
Find help. See your pcp, get to a meeting, check into detox. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have been there too. Telling a doc or someone in recovery can guide you. A detox should only last a few days--and then get the help through meetings and a sponsor. Your life is at risk--legally you can't lose your job. You have a disease called addiction. Peace, Happydaysahead.


Posts: 562
Joined: August 3, 2009


Posted: August 19, 2014, 7:03 AM
Hi,

First of all, THANK YOU, I know that is next to impossible to here right this second, I knew this because I have felt the EXACT same way you DO, right this very second. TRUST ME, I HAVE. ALSO, TRUST ME, I could not imagine it could get better. HOPLESS, DESPAIR, GRIEF, FEAR. That seemed to be all I felt.

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING A COURAGE TO POST. TO CRY OUT..TO RISK, TO LOVE, see that's the truth..just hard to feel the truth..HOPE

EXCEPT, EXCEPT I wasn't dead, and more importantly, maybe MOST importantly, I did what seems like such a smal thing, yet is THE GREATEST THING, I did what you did...I TOLD PEOPLE.

STRANGERS at first, see what I have come to learn, is that ONE BRIEF LITTLE BITTY MOMENT OF THRUTH..." A CRY FOR HELP" was my SOUL, SPIRIT, INNER BEING, LIFE FORCE, ENERGY, GOD WITH IN, LOVE, Whatever you call it you call it.. IT WANTS TO LIVE.

SO, the next thing is, WHERE CAN I GET HELP...

HELP IS HERE, HELP IS WHERE YOU ARE, HELP IS AVAILABLE, PICK UP THE PHONE, if you got one, IF NOT ASK TO USE SOMEONES.Call the SUB DOCTER, tell them you can't wait until September, tell them you can't wait at all, tell them what you told us..CALL A HELPLINE, CALL just please CALL OR DO SOMETHING..YOU ARE WORTH IT, I KNOW YOU DON'T FELL THAT, I KNOW BECAUSE AND NEVER FORGET THIS, I AM YOU..only thing I DID WAS CALL SOMEBODY...

JUST FOR THIS MINUTE...ONE MINUTE, HECK 30 SECONDS, 10 SECONDS.. Breath...just Breath...put your hand on your heart...is it beating...if it is...YOU ARE ALIVE, IF YOU ARE ALIVE, THERE IS HOPE. HELP IS HERE..REALLY IT IS..

GOD IS LOVE.

JOE



Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012


Posted: August 19, 2014, 8:14 AM
Hello and welcome. I have also been where you are at, and i can tell you with help it gets better. Your children need a mother, don't give up. Call someone. Get to a NA meeting, talk to people who know what you are going through. Nothing changes if nothing changes. ((((HUGS))))


Posts: 4
Joined: August 19, 2014


Posted: August 19, 2014, 3:08 PM
Thank you for the kind comments. It helps to know that there are others who have been through this hell. I wish I could start suboxone TODAY but I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I feel so panicky and sick. I'm scared to death of withdrawal- I don't know why it scares me so bad but I'm just horrified of it. I don't think I'll ever, ever make it to the other side. I can't imagine a life without percs. They're my best friend. My most evil enemy. I don't feel like I deserve anything better. My life is spinning wildly out of control and I can't seem to grab ahold of anything.


Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011


Posted: August 19, 2014, 4:28 PM
Look up Narcotics Anonymous in your phone book and call them.
They have been where you are and will answer all your questions.
They will save your life. In 1989 I was where you are .. there is an answer in NA & AA

All the best.

Bob

--------------------
Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf


AA's HOW IT WORKS:
Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf


NA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf


----------------------------------------------------------------

--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.


...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.


--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !


---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.


---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.


... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.


---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .


"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr


WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)


Posts: 817
Joined: June 25, 2005


Posted: August 19, 2014, 9:13 PM
Hi Lisa. Your story is perfectly interchangeable with mine. I as well was taking a boatload of percs (30/day for a long span within a 7-9 year ride)and like you, have a family that needs me. I so very profoundly feel your pain sister. I know it seems futile and beyond repair and hope but now is not the time to listen to your brain as it's sick. Listen to me. Listen to the people here with some clean time under their belts. I'm not here with any answers as to how you get clean as we're all different and have different requirements but I'm here to let you know that there is so much hope. Saying it's not too late is a gross understatement. I thought I'd never have the joie de vivre, strength or patience to be the father I was on pills but I'm way happier, stronger and even-tempered than ever. It comes back so fast once you quit. You just have to quit. I promise you, it'll all work out as long as you stop taking the pills. I quit CT and never went to rehab or NA/AA. I'm still clean today. Chase sobriety like you chased your perc dealers and life will start looking beautiful again. Whatever it's worth, I'm here for you.

--------------------
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99


Posts: 4
Joined: August 19, 2014


Posted: August 20, 2014, 6:52 AM
Thank you for your kindness and hope. That's what I need right now- to see some kind of light at the end of the road. I want to quit so bad but the addict in me screams for more pills. I don't think I can do it cold turkey but really want to try the suboxone. Has anyone had any success? I know I need therapy, meetings, etc along with the subs but I need to know if it works. Thank you to those who responded yesterday- you got me out of my crazy mind and into action.


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012


Posted: August 20, 2014, 8:34 AM
Do what you feel is best for you. If the subs work for you, then don't listen to what everyone else says, and you might get grief from family or friends, but in the end it's your decision. I knew i was never gonna stop on my own so i took the methadone route. And that worked for me for a little while, but i wasn't ready to stop doing drugs not then. It will get better if you get help.


Posts: 817
Joined: June 25, 2005


Posted: August 20, 2014, 6:36 PM
Lisa, there's so much hope.
Absolutely do what's right for you. It's actually a pretty sweet deal considering we put years into this and it's a matter of weeks/months to get out (physically, that is). I'd recommend telling someone close who can support (babysit) on and off for 3-5 days and you'll be home free.
I'm not feeding you Ra-Ra BS to make you feel better, it's the truth, when you decide to stop, everything heals inside and around you. I'm pulling for you.

--------------------
"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
#99


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012


Posted: August 22, 2014, 8:14 AM
How are you doing?


Posts: 4
Joined: August 19, 2014


Posted: August 23, 2014, 11:47 AM
I'm trying to cut down but easier said than done. I'm counting down the days until I can see the doctor and hopefully get started on subs. I contacting NA today and finding a meeting. Praying a lot and asking God for guidance. I'm so ANGRY with myself that I can't quit on my own!! I know withdrawal won't kill me but I'm terrified. I have panic attacks daily when I'm running low on pills and/or money and I'm just so sick of this life. I want to feel NORMAL again but I don't know what normal is. I don't remember normal. I feel like such a pathetic loser that I can't trust God and just quit!! I feel unworthy of God's grace. I'm hoping the meeting will help and church tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts. Thank you for taking the tine to listen to my pleas for help.

Lisa


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012


Posted: August 23, 2014, 1:28 PM
You are worthy! Don't be so hard on yourself. I understand how you feel, but i promise there is hope. You can get better. Go to many meetings as you can, and just listen. Not everyone in NA is supportive of Subs just so you know, but don't let them tell you, you don't belong. You do! You are doing the right thing by reaching out, and asking questions. Keep coming back. Keep posting and sharing how you feel. You will be amazed at how better you will feel once you get a regular routine with the subs and get into counseling. Each day you will get closer to being happy with your life. You didn't become an addict overnight so keep in mind you won't feel better overnight. Hang in there girl! It only gets better if you try, sucks if you don't. (((HUGS)))


Jessica


Get some phone numbers at the meeting, find someone who has what you want and stick to them like glue! What i mean when i say has what you want, is to find someone(a woman) who works the steps, goes to meetings, and stays clean.


Posts: 6
Joined: September 6, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 1:29 AM
Lisa
1.) You cannot give up and that sometimes burdens us as parents but its a fact. So no matter what PLEASE don't ever give up on the 3 that need you and see you for who you are addiction and all. I am an addict with Bipolar so my mind goes everywhere when I get depressed, but I have 2 beautiful children and I aint going anywhere as long as they are here. They are my insurance policy (this is what I tell my therapist).
2.) It's natural to be depressed when you are an addict. All I can say is hang in there and I PROMICE it will get better. It will get better because you recognize that it needs to, now the only step is doing it and that will come soon.
3.) We are ALL going through it on this and other sites. We understand what you are going through and WE don't ever want someone to give up. You have too much to lose.
4.) Things are never as bad as they seem. We often pressure ourselves into believing there is no hope. There is hope and its called recovery and trust me, there are a lot of hard things about it, but its mostly amazing to not believe that death is an option.
5.) We are here for you, hang in there for us and for your kids. You will figure it out, I am certain of it. Life is crazy, and addiction is crazier, but it is manageable and you are almost to the starting point. Come here as much as you like, we are always here for you, and maybe one day you will be here for someone else while you are recovering.
Remember, giving up is not an option.

Stay Strong and pick your head up, recovery has already made itself known to you. You are almost there.

Citysburg.


Posts: 6
Joined: September 6, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 1:33 AM
promise, not "promice"
manageable as well.
Sorry for the poor spelling.


Posts: 3
Joined: September 6, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 8:56 AM
I wasn't going to post but realized I needed to...... Do NOT go on suboxone!!!! You are trading one deadly addiction for another!!!! I went to methadone the first time I quit taking percs and it was 100 times harder to quit than percs.... And when I finally quit methadone I went back to percs, and then fentanyl and percs. But then one day I made the choice that I had enough!!!! Go to a detox, get some clonidine protocol it really helps with the detox.... I was using 125ug of fentanyl a day and 10-20 percs, ( basically the equivalent of 50 percs/day) I stopped cold turkey and hit a detox!!!!! Trust me you do not want to have to come off of suboxone or methadone as it IS 100 times worse than where you are now..... Also remember at the end of all the therapy in the world, detox centre, self help books, and everything they throw at you it boils down to one thing and one thing only.... One choice, your choice, do I use today or do I not..... No therapy, rehab centre, NA/AA meeting nothing can change that.... You are not powerless, you are powerful, you are human and if any other human can do it so can you...... But it is and always be your choice!!! Make one choice, then make two, it is your mind and your body you do what you want with it!!!! I cannot stress this enough no matter what you do at the end of the line, too of the pyramid, after you have left the support group, councillor session, what ever makes you feel better.. It is still just you standing there to make that choice. I know what it is like to feel like making the first choice is impossible and it is the hardest but it is you and only you that will effect the change........ Good luck, BE STRONG, focus your rage, throw away the depression and get busy living!!!


" on your way out of hell, you Will have to walk through many fires"


Posts: 11
Joined: August 28, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 1:50 PM
I hope you are doing well and have managed to find some sobriety or clarity. I hope your kids are well and your inspiration:}. I would not listen to Mcjob's post because though he/she means well the issues with methadone and sub are their own personal issues and not the experiences of the majority. I am on Methadone myself, and know many people who are on both methadone and sub's. I also know people that have quit both and if done so in a controlled manner in partnership with a healthcare professional is nowhere near as bad a quitting cold turkey. Also the 2 medications have the added bonuses of controlling your physical cravings while at the same time making it so other opiates will not work. So please take the path that is best suited to you because it's about the sobriety, not how you get there. God Bless.


Posts: 6
Joined: September 6, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 5:11 PM
I agree that Suboxone and Methadone can be done correctly. Look, we will pay the piper for our fun time, its just better to do that than keep using. Suboxone is tough to kick for some people, but with a doctors help and other meds the taper is completely doable. The thing that is great about replacement therapy is that your drug seeking behavior is reduced dramatically, albeit you are still dependent on medicine. The difference is you most likely wont burn through your meds too early and be left out in cold for a week or two until you go back and see doctor. This is because a little bit of the drug goes a long way and you don't pile more drug on top of more drug. You have your dose and its extremely easy to stick to that dose until you can change your addictive behavior. For some that is only months, others sometime need years. Either way its your timetable and for you to decide. Suboxone isn't for everyone, for some they complain of it being brutal to come off of, others do it with little discomfort. Don't let someone else keep you in the pain pill race if you don't have to be. And by race I mean having to worry about how and where the next one is coming. Suboxone will change your life, but there will still be withdrawals coming off of them so don't kid yourself, its not perfect. Either way we will pay now or pay later but we will pay the piper. It's just that the alternative is unacceptable. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide. Hang in there.

Citysburg


Posts: 3
Joined: September 6, 2014


Posted: September 6, 2014, 7:54 PM
What I am saying is that at the end of the day it's a choice, your choice, no matter what.... You can do methadone, sub's what ever.... But even after all of that and even after you have come off of either one of them it is still a choice you have to make.... So you can play around with sub's for the next year or two and when you come down you may be ok or you might be like the guy I know who is doing 1 mg/ month reduction and feels brutal for about 3 weeks of every month!!!! Know all the facts, weigh the options and instead of believing all the crap that it is so hard to do, just make the choice and do it.... Ever had the flu really bad, that's what it's like to come off of what you are on right now, suck it up, prepare, get some clonidine and go for it!!!! No shakes with that!!! By the end of two weeks ur good to go..... After years of therapy you will still have to make the choice everyday, just make it......listen to who you want but be strong and know you can be to do it!!!!! Weak mind weak body weak addict......


Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014


Posted: September 7, 2014, 8:15 AM
Hi Lisa

welcome to the site and hope it is slightly going better today. It is so great to see how everyone has advice for you and yet so sad when some get worked up about others advice.

Here is my bit of piece to add to the pot.
You have hanged on already for so long you can definitely get through this. I am sure your boys are more than a good reason to get sober and you sound like an amazing person to be rising 3 boys by your own. Life isn't always meant to be easy but wanting to make it shorter will only cause pain for those that love you so much.

Go do research about the different options you have that would help you get sober and see which will work for you the best. Just remember that you should always have someone that you can talk too if you feel it is not working so that you can look at another option.

Be strong...
Hugs
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