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Posted: March 14, 2013, 4:38 AM
Well it'll cost us both a day then as I already have a fix. And it had nothing to do with you, I shouldn't have bought weed in the first place, then I wouldn't have been left with longing for something that would actually get me high. In fact, I didn't know it yet but the bag was already in my possession when I posted last. It's not a habit at this point, and won't be, as my boyfriend who usually is the one to bring it home is informed and won't let it happen again. It's just an experience. I know I'm going to regret it and feel like I've let people down tomorrow, but for now.... Just don't care.
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 4:46 AM
Seriously, I don't want you to feel bad at all, you really truly had nothing to do with it and I enjoy your posts no matter the subject matter and wasn't "inspired" by you to relapse. I have been begging for an excuse for days now and fought the urge to beg Adam to get a bag of synthetic to mix in with regular to amp it up a little... I have been rationalizing all week and today ran out of regular and was disappointed I had gone through the entire bag and not really enjoyed it. This is all me, buddy. :)
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 6:31 AM
can't write, sorry. . but i'm here and reading and sober, not happy but i'm sober.
allison and dac ... keep writing if you can and i'm on your side no matter what you do. i'll try and write about what happened when i had my 'breakdown' which i now partly attribute to the spice/anti D mix (and alcohol) but just can't bring myself to do it now. sorry. love tog. | ||
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 8:25 AM
allison and tog - you guys are great
Just came from a weekly breakfast meeting with some guys I have known a long time. One of the guys I didnt know, a guy who is a recovering alcoholic but used that to cope with scoliosis (curvature of spine) and now, suffers from fused vertibrae and is in constant pain as a result. He was going to be the only one at the meeting ( there can be up to 5) so I wanted to be sure I was there. Then, the guy who started the breakfast with me showed up and we had some good conversations. Admitting screw-ups helps. I know if I open up and put it out there for others to see then I will at least attempt a more serious effort to hold myself accountable. I used to joke last year, "If I write it - I can make it happen". This had less to do with my abilities that with my desire to hold true to what I say. The literal is exact and honesty is important. But an addict is not only good at lying to themselves , but is also very adept at making things appear as they are not. For example.. I dont seem to be able to combine exercise and smoking. So if I am doing my 100 pushups and 100 situps each day (15min) then I wont smoke. Fell out of this routine last Wed from the snow removal keeping me up almost 2 days straight. The fact that didnt immediately start back up meant trouble. The guy I started the breakfast meeting (bible studies most weeks) with is a guy I have known 30 years (roomates in college) and we made this deal to do the 100/100 each day. We wanted to encourage each other to keep in shape and to hold each other accountable. I was going to say something about the exercise , but it never came up, and I know he probably thinks I havent missed a day. That would also mean I'm not getting high anymore too right? If I would have acted sore though/ ...see how it would be easy to make it appear as though I had 'moved on' because he knows all about my experiences from last year - and WHY. So he might ask if he suspected something - then I would have to confess to the last couple of days. And since I want to appear normal and I'm sure I came off very normal this morning.... We had a really meaningful, helpful talk.... great conversations... only I was actually high :( gotta take kids to bus stop - I'll write later This post has been edited by DAC on March 14, 2013, 8:30 AM | ||
Posts: 25
Joined: March 6, 2013
Posted: March 14, 2013, 12:01 PM
Allison, your words ring loudly in my mind and I feel your frustration. I too tried to smoke a bowl of weed after about Day 5 of being clean. I was soooo pissed off that I didnt get high, I felt like i was starting all over again. I went out of my way to get the bag, and it didnt get me high AT ALL. So im sitting in my room, crying because im still craving to get high, and even when i have something thats supposed to get me high,it didnt even work! I sat there and cried until I said to myself "this is no different of a feeling than the fake stuff" I still feel angry, disappointed, ripped off, and the rest of my day feels scruffy.
So I dont know if our brains just arent ready to receive the compounds that weed has, maybe our receptors are still clogged by all the fake s***. Either way, no matter what I tell myself, no matter how much I still want to smoke, I know deep down Im just going to disappoint myself. I am currently on Day 9. Everytime I feel the urge to go out and find something, I come on here and listen to what everyone else has to say about their journey. I try to look at the benefits I can feel already. No more night sweats, no more panic type feelings, i can look people in the eye without worrying about whether or not they know Im high. Im still coughing up black stuff, but Im hoping thats my bodys way of getting rid of all that crap that I accumulated over the years. Even just posting on here makes me feel more empowered, like Im still in the game. We can all beat this!!! | ||
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 2:05 PM
Dont give in glassrose - we need a success story!
If someone is sober/miserable and then gets high/euphoria they will appear to be manic - depressive. Lots of energy - good mood (manic) to unrealistic anxious (looking for an excuse) ,which is something I know I'm guilty of. Is there a balance? There used to be. Not sure what I've changed over the years , as far as brain chemistry goes, but I think that good habits, healthy diet, and good relationships can mend just about anything with time. I'm not an expert on anything much at all though. I just write to at least attempt to understand this mindset. The following is something similiar to what I lost , only it is a lot tamer. The original was done high ( at least the outline) and came from my little comedy notebook - just something I write in if I should go to one of the clubs. That means a lot of cussing... I have theories on this though too, but I'm getting side-tracked. You remember that commercial that had the frying eggs in a pan with the caption "this is your brain on drugs"? Maybe these next ideas are the product of an "over-well" cooked egg. Hopefully they come across as "over easy"/ "sunny-side-up" The Dysfunctional Personality The spoiled little brat who is 'The Chemical Child' has an ugly older brother named 'Low Self Esteem'. Over the years this mean older brother (low self esteem) has really done a number on little brother(chemical child) , bullying him, berating him and beating up on him like many older brothers do. As a result, he has often incurred the wrath of the father -'Bad Temper' who never seemed to like the older son (low self esteem) because of his negative effect on the personality (individual) as a whole. Most of the time Dad (bad temper) would get his way and dominate the personality (individual), if not him, it was the older brother ( low self esteem), they constantly were in a battle for control. All of the fighting had over time caused mom - (Good Sense) to shut down and have less and less influence on the group as a whole. Since, little brother (chemical child) wants what gives him the greatest reward (dopamine) , and because he (chemical child) is the baby of the family, he has been pampered over the years and as a result, can't stand to hear the word NO, in fact , he hates it. He throws tantrums every time he hears it. And since It has been far easier to just give into the demanding little cry baby, than to listen to him scream all day because he doesnt get what he wants. Mom (good sense) has been all too willing to let him have just about anything he (chemical child) wants because she doesnt want him to upset his father (bad temper) who lately seems to always want to the one in control of the personality (individual). Over the years all the pampering/indulgence has caused little brother to get big and strong. Now, it seems he gets what he wants almost always . That is, unless he butts heads with dad (bad temper), Dad's influence will ultimately overpower even the chemical child when push comes to shove - has in the past. Just have to get him mad enough at the personality (individual) for the personality to start making better decisions. Put mom (Good Sense) back in control - like it used to be in the early days. Mom ran the roost, dad was mostly content and therefore silent, and the brothers were too small to even have a small say in things......Peace!.... Equilibrium.....Good Mental Health!! But that was then, Now? The personality (individual) is scared of the little prick that is the chemical child. And everytime he tries to stand up to him - make him mind?? Either dad or big brother take over and start wanting to make every little decision. He (chemical child) can manipulate them so well that they even had the poor slob (individual) flipping off his own reflection. Only chemical child recently found out that the insufferable prick had the audacity to contend he was actually flipping off not, he (individual) but the chemical child himself? What did he just call his youngest son - most recent in control? A candy-assed, whiney, little b****?? How dare he (individual) say such things! How about this, Mr high and mighty (individual) !! Try having no desire to get up in the morning, eat, and even your exercise will not help - I control the reward center . You will feel so miserable you will CRAWL back to me BEGGING me to put you in a good mood. These arent the days when Mom wore the pants in the family! Get prepared to suffer! DAD!! Personality just called me a little biiiitchhh!! Then I (individual) flip off the mirror, and say with as calm a voice as I can muster - at least to start. Let's get this straight... Chemical candyass you're an insatiable, demanding, over indulged , tantrum throwing little d***! You try that s*** again with me and I'll take away your sugar, caffeine, Hell, I wont give you so much as a f***ing baby aspirin for a migrane. DO I HAVE TO REMIND you who's in charge!! Your dads been telling me behind your back for months how you've been completely tearing things apart in here, and now I GET IT. So I will follow his advice and now we will come to an understanding - You and me.... You EVER f*** with me again the way you have the last couple of weeks and I' ill introduce you to thorazine, electro-shock, hell , I might just 'commit' your sorry a** for s***s and giggles - then all the whining in the world wont help!! DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU WHO REALLY CALLS THE SHOTS AROUND HERE!! So I want my appetite back, I want to feel good when I work out, and If you ever invite that loser-cousin (depression) over again ......... My brain on drugs, figuratively and literally Help This post has been edited by DAC on March 14, 2013, 2:22 PM | ||
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Posted: March 14, 2013, 3:45 PM
We need a success story? Really? Wow.
Ok so the rest of us enormous failures can stop logging in and writing and let the success stories have the board. After this. Glassrose, that is exactly what went through my mind, only I had made it somewhere in between 2 or 3 weeks. The last time was about 4 or 5 days in and there was no real difference between that time and this time, as far as how one would be affected by weed again. I am starting to believe it will never be the same, and since I physically can't drink, I'm not filthy rich so I can't afford to be a pill popper, I'm not a chemist so I have no interest in meth or heroin or what have you. I'm not into anything speedy.. So I have basically sentenced myself to a lifetime of designated driving and it depresses the hell out me. I feel like I have been hit by a truck today. Cough is already back.. Brain is foggy and numb. I still have some left but I am waiting for my boyfriend to get up and go to work before I tap into it.. The good news is at least I have already ran us into the ground financially so it's not like I can start buying 2 bags a day again. | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 12:49 AM
So... I just blasted through 3 grams in about 18 hours. Surprised? Not me. Also not surprised my boyfriend just left the house after he just got off work with his friend to go find more. He was planning on spending the night at his friend's since they both had to get up early anyway, he would give my boyfriend a ride home. Anyway, home alone, especially at night... I got jealous and begged and he gave in.. If he doesn't come back with it I may break something.
... Here we go again. | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 12:51 AM
And dac and tog I am sorry my posts have been so venomous...
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Posts: 25
Joined: March 6, 2013
Posted: March 15, 2013, 12:54 AM
Goodness. I really dont think he meant that to be rude, actually the opposite. Maybe tensions are just high.
And being sober isnt all that bad. Allison you seem to be getting more and more....aggressive since you relapsed. We are all here for you, but you need to drag yourself out of your own hole. No substance will fill whatever void you feel you need to compensate for. And this whole thing about mixing ur weed and fake stuff...ur just fooling yourself, and apparently your boyfriend. Get out of the house. Get off the computer. Live a life that doesnt involve substance. Stop being so defensive when people are trying to help you. This goes for everyone, including myself. | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: March 15, 2013, 7:11 AM
Try looking into NA. It helps me! www.na.org Read the basic text you'll find out your not alone
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 7:23 AM
allison
The last time you went through this you didnt understand what you were going thru. Now, you are not alone. I'll share my screw ups, just glean from them what you can so can answer the question for yourself. You know the question. The one we(addicts) all ask ourselves "Why CANT I get high if I can get everything done??" You've proved you can get away from it for days, weeks, soon it will be months. Been there.... So Why didnt I stay there? Hell,I relapsed once after almost 7 years unprovoked? But it wasnt entirely drug free - it was just pot free. If it was just a simple matter of will-power. The Battle should have long been over - and yet I am still here. Did you notice that you would tell yourself "I PROVED I could do it - its no longer a problem - if its not a problem - Well then, why CANT I get high?" The 'false euphoria' that's experienced once you've made it too some personal goal(say - 2 weeks) - fades quick sometimes for me. And It goes back to me not seeing this as 'evil' if I didnt abuse it to the level I have. Over the last 4 months I smoked nonstop. But I didnt hit that 3gram/day level until the last month. I was 1 1/2g per day most of that time , but in the beginning 1/2 gram each day. But you cant go by that, I smoke one hit at a time - no smoke wasted, deep hits because I am usually trying to finish a specific amount and will 'stretch' until I can't hold anymore. I est. about 100 of these hits can be done per gram. Compare it to smoking cigarettes. 3 packs/day - bad, 2 packs/day - stll bad, 1 pack/day - still a lot of smoke. But, 1/2 a cigarette a day - is that still a problem - what if I got it to just one puff each day?? I gave in 4 days in a row this week because of this compromise. I told myself, am still telling myself, that if I can go for 12 hours clean, each day, and not keep any around to binge on, then I dont see a problem with it. This is not a conclusion , but a work in progress. Anyone who can help me figure out the mental side of this cycle would be welcome no matter how 'bitchy'. By the way 'bitchy' is good - its honest. This post has been edited by DAC on March 15, 2013, 7:34 AM | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 9:02 AM
i can stick with the 12 hours but yesterday I did the 12 hours almost non-stop before finally pitching the bag. I kept the hitter though, which is just symbolic of a less than 100% committment to quitting. I have thought I was there before but wasnt and now have one more thing to clear, as far as questions, before I can know I need to throw this away. I'll write more on that later. Still - only $7 each fail - could have this ever been possible with the old 'pot'? Face it , that thrill is probably gone for good , i'm not sure a methadone/herion type of substitution is possible with synthetic . I think pot is just diet Sprite compared to MONSTER, only someone dropped a few hits of speed into the monster drink! Get used to that and the Sprite now sucks, so does coffee, soft drinks....etc
I used to do a little then the little wouldnt do so the little got more and mooore just keep tryin to get a little better said a little better than befooore Mr Brownstone - axl rose This post has been edited by DAC on March 15, 2013, 9:28 AM | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 9:40 AM
I don't know if I ever let myself go sober long enough to have ever felt like I "deserved" it, so much as thought of every irrational justification as to why I needed it.. (mood swings, insomnia, something to compliment music, movies, etc) and then repeated those thoughts over and over until it was an urge I no longer wanted to repress. f*** even my threshold for pain when I was high all the time... I never had a headache or a toothache or a cramp or anything.. until I quit. Now even aleve is diet sprite. Aleve should not be too weak to knock out a minor ache. It is now.
And it's not like I'm not used to talking my own mind down, I think I just get tired of talking my mind down. And no matter what rational plan of action I work at, I am at best like that damn shark on finding nemo. I haven't seen that movie in years but that is the scene from the movie that has popped into my brain. But anyway, one whiff and my eyes go black and I will stop at nothing to get what I want... Forethought loses to instinct every time. | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 10:13 AM
i've been really fed up the last few mornings. . but i've gritted my teeth and NOT bought smoke. . took lots of gritting i can tell you (you know), but i didn't. i thought about it.
anyway, this morning same depression. so i've been concentrating on things i enjoy (music and movies) . . even if i haven't felt like playing my guitars, i've MADE myself play them ... sometimes after quarter of an hour i've put it down and said "well that didn't work" and still been depressed. i force myself to eat and it DOES make me feel better (been eating lots of VERY hot chilli) (i'm sure my girlfiend appreciates THAT in the bathroom every morning ha ha) . . and i go for walks EVEN if i don't want to, even if i'm staring at the floor and trudging along, listening to music, and the time goes and it wears me out a little an d... it makes it a tiny bit better ... which i reckon is better than getting wasted. i've renewed my library card, suscribed to the audi-visual bit, so i can hire all the cds i want and rip them to my computer ... you know what? i was feeling so so black and down when i went into that library, but just interacting with the lady in there made me feel a bit better, as she shared a joke and achat with me ... then i chose my music and i'm looking forward to hearing it .. and SURPRISE! music IS JUST AS GOOD without being 'high' on something, well okay, maybe not quite as good, but a DIFFERENT good, you know? and then i went into the childrens hospice shop, the charity shop for the dying children and they had two beautiful framed film posters in there for £15 each and i thought it was quite a lot of money and then said to myself HOW MUCH WERE YOU SPENDING ON CRAPPY SMOKE?!!! THAT didn't seem to bother you, idiot, plus this is doing good for dying kids!!! and i chatted to the ladies in there, went to the bank and bought them and i am ENJOYING THEM. i photographed them and me and tweeted them :) so. there you are. i keep busy. i try to eat. if i get seriously fed up WHICH I DO, i just ride it out and force myself to do things and ... it makes it better. this isn't sunshine and roses, not by a long long long shot .... but every day i cough up the black stuff, i tell myself that it is more stuff out of my lungs that isn't going back into them and i carry on. it's not easy. love tog x | ||
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Posted: March 15, 2013, 11:39 PM
I have been reading this blog a few days. I have quit the synthetic weed for 2 days, relapsed and threw everything away and made another 2 days so far. I guess I have been smoking for many years, first I started with pot, then moved to the synthetic stuff to avoid drug testing. I have realized that I have an addiction and it was my daughter that actually made me realize this. I had the symptoms of sweating bad at nights, not eating while I smoked, a few near death experiences, passed out a few times too. I swore it off only to start back again usually later that same day. Kinda like having to stick your hand back in the fire again to make sure the burn does really happen. I have noticed that most of the synthetic stuff talked about is Spice. I never did Spice thank God from what I have read on this blog. I predominantly used NOLA until it was banned, then I found Code Black. The times I passed out and had the near death experiences was when I smoked it straight out of the packet. I have been for the past years mixing it with pipe tobacco about a 20 to 1 ratio, tobacco being the larger part. I am curious if anyone has had experience with Code Black. I always have a bad taste in my mouth, metallic in nature and it also turned my tongue weird colors. I have a bad cough constantly and my sinuses are horrible all the time. I am trying to kick this stuff for good and it sounds like it is not as bad as the Spice you guys describe. Good luck everyone, and may God bless you in your efforts, failure is difficult but perseverance often leads to success. I have learned much from reading your stories.
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Posted: March 16, 2013, 8:24 AM
i feel a lot better.
i think i may have kicked it. must not be complacent. but, feels like a totally different headspace now. best luck and all my love to everyone in this thread , i will keep popping in to see how you are doing. i genuinely care. love & peace tog xxx | ||
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Posted: March 16, 2013, 12:32 PM
So the worst part of relapsing isn't the guilt after or during or the temptation leading up to it, or even the mild disappointment because it's still never as good as I remember..
The absolute worst moment of relapse has to be when I realize I am about to run out. And instead of adding the last bowl full from the package, I add little by little, mixing it in with the nasty black yet inflammable ashy resin s*** trying to prolong it. Once I accept that this is about to be over and try not to let my mind run with it and make a big deal out of it, it's not so bad. It's the digging and scraping and refusing to be done being high that will help me binge for months. So.. I am out. I think I wasted 2 days.. maybe 3. Scared half the people on this post off. Feel good about that. I am wheezing with every breath, though still nothing like when I had gone months without stopping. It's irritating because it feels and sounds like it should come up with one cough.. And won't. Back to the sleeping every 2 hours crap. My fingers are stained black from trying to mix ash all night. When I woke up this morning and coughed, I had to talk myself down from throwing up, which I used to do every day. I forgot how much I enjoyed that... And the sweats.. how I've missed them. And yep fire in the hole diarrhea, too. I'm so smart. *sigh* Really sorry everyone. | ||
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Posts: 25
Joined: March 6, 2013
Posted: March 16, 2013, 5:08 PM
On Day 11, so far so good.
Im getting back to the old me. I feel creative again, I feel like cooking, I feel like life isnt such a waste of time. What really hit home is going out to lunch with my mom today. Usually when I go out to lunch with her, it feels like a chore. Like the whole time Im sitting infront of her, I just want to go home and get high. So im irrational, unpredictable and impatient. She would look at me worried, not quite sure what was going on, and itd just make me feel even more impatient to get out of her view. But today was different. I surprised her at work, when she was walking out the door for lunch, i had just gotten out of my car. She looked so happy with surprise. We went to Panera and had a great time. I almost felt like I was talking too fast and too much because I had so much to catch up with her about. Usually, the conversation would be kept to a minimal, and id always say something inappropriate, and usually too loud. But I was sober, and it couldnt have felt any better. She kept saying "are you okay? your in such a great mood" and I was just like yep, things are looking better. I cant put into words how good this simple lunch date made me feel. My mind felt different, my humor was back, and I felt like my old self. And the person that matters the most to me, felt and saw it instantly. So if anyone is looking for motivation to stop, think not only of the benefits to yourself, but to the people around you that care. | ||
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Posted: March 17, 2013, 12:06 AM
Have you told your mom or anyone else?
My mom and I just started texting each other again.. so we aren't quite there yet. She knows I was on something or something was going on but wasn't sure what. One of the last times I came to visit she got up in the middle of the night because she heard me coughing and came and asked if I was bulimic. And demanded to know what was going on.. I'd lost weight and was sick every time they saw me and always sneaked off to the bathroom to take a hit or 2.. And with all that went on once in awhile she would try to steer the conversation in that direction but I never took the bait. I'm curious how it goes if you do get the guts. I'm glad you are doing so well! Boyfriend too? Today was day one part 2 I guess. Not nearly as bad. Actually I've been pretty happy. Adam was off all day and I let him kinda do his thing and relax while I cleaned leisurely. We ordered pizza... I'm good. It's not going to be as hard this time. Not encouraging relapse. Just grateful I haven't been nauseated or anything like that. So.. yay! | ||
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