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Posts: 2606
Joined: August 18, 2005
Posted: August 5, 2014, 6:53 PM
Well people- after leaving the methadone klinic on 125 th in Harlem a long 2 years ago ,I found myself waiting in line this morning with a whole new crowd on a NJ klinic.
2 Yrs> cold turkey,,pain klinics, every type of pill and patch known to man, then finally back to the dope that has surged back onto to the scene in northern NJ.....I humbly found myself waiting in line with new faces ,but all with the same problem- The Klinic is smaller that the oNE in NY ,but still,,,there must be 700 people in it. I have a little problem right from the start....I need to get my clonopin from a shrink . They wont accept the script from my regular doctor.. WTF??- - Anyway...Ill take care of that..Im a pro,,remember? Ill find a shrink as long as they give me a few weeks...the klinic shrink isnt taken any more patients-*(can u believe that) - I have been prescribed benzo,s for over 15 yrs because of panic attacks (sometimes I get them when Im sleeping --its very scary One of these days maybe Ill sit down and get into the whole story,,,from getting off the NY program- -to moving to CT, getting on and then off a CT klinic..then cold turkey ,,to getting sicker than a poisoned dog . to driving from Norwalk Ct- to the Bronx for bottles (on the street)- -to moving back to NJ. to having a back operation ,to pain mangt, months of all kinds of pain meds for the pain, to finally ... dipping and dabbing my way too a chippie...to a full blown, running the streets habit....most of this with herniated discs and a spine that was so painful that I couldnt walk the dog around the block... but- Now aint the time.......but needless to say the story reads like the sequel to "Panic in Needle Park".....Except this wasnt a 2 hour movie and I aint Al Pacino So I guess at 57 this is gonna be it (at least there arr no plans to get off or detox)- Jeannie is supportive and that helps...but living with her 14 yt old daughter is not something I planned for and is taking a lot of getting used to- we,ll see how I handle that situation Ill tell ya this though> being on a program for over 25 yrs ,, not doing heroin , holding a job.having a valid drivers lc, keeping all your doctors and dentists appointments and generally falling into a normal productive life can all be thrown away so fuqing fast you cant even believe it!- And...if you think that you,ve been out of the scene so long you would be lost if you ever had to hit the streets again- - -you would be wrong...my street smarts came back the second it had too..my spidy sence ,If you will.....its almost scary... well gotta go... maybe Ill type out more on this wild 2plus yrs one of these days...maybe not.....after all I should be moving forward right?- - But Im sure s*h3t will come out in pc,s,when appropriate jacksBack Nice to be back ,,hope all is well in recovery land This post has been edited by jackofhartzz on August 5, 2014, 9:47 PM -------------------- "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." — Hunter S. Thompson[COLOR=blue] | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: August 7, 2014, 8:13 AM
Welcome home Jack!
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: August 7, 2014, 9:17 PM
Hey there Jack!
I am so glad to have you here again, I so much miss your expertise in the methadone area. I am also very happy to hear that you are finally back at a klinic and are working things out as far as your meds. I have really missed you! Girltoday has been fantastic at helping me hold down the fort. I try to check in every day, but there are days I just cant take the time to respond to posters who need help, especially on the methadone page. She has been off methadone for quite a while and I am on it so between us we have been able to give advice from both sides. Your knowledge in all things methadone and advocacy is where we need the most help. I am so glad you are back!!! Our clinic actually decided to do a "debt forgiveness" thing so any old patients could come back for treatment without having to pay back fees. Really cool they decided to do that. Now,...as far as having a 14 yr old in the house...LMAO! I got 2 at almost the same time, remember?? Well, those 2 are now 17 and juniors in high school. You'll do fine, just remember to be a "parent" and not a friend. We are still holding our K2R meetings on Wed mornings and going on our 4th year with the newsletter too. Take care my friend and I hope to see you around soon. Take care of yourself. granny -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
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Posts: 2606
Joined: August 18, 2005
Posted: August 8, 2014, 12:16 PM
Hi Gran
Thanks for keeping in touch during my trip back thru the dark side. You and MomNmore both tried to keep me engaged , but you know how that works when your spending all day/every day trying to stay above water. I see that your newsletter has made iy thru the 1st yr! Congrats!- - Ill try to be a contributor ,,going foreword. As for me....well, without getting too into it.......Im back in Northern NJ. We live in the apt upstairs from my mother. Really beautiful place . Once I moved 2 yrs ago, she had the whole place redone...hardwood floors,,new appliances , new bathroom,,etc... So the rent is twoce what Sandy and I were paying , but we are able to do it right now...I dont know for how much longer though. Jeannie was hired as a consultant , and the project is ending at the end of August. We hope that the company hires her,,but it doesn't look good Me?? I cant work right now...and Im not sure if Im gonna be able too. My back operation has caused other issues- -like numbness in my feet,,and the arthritis in my spine is only gonna get worse eventually. Mentally?? - I now have been diagnosed with moderate depression, and severe anxiety. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist once a month . She took me off the prozac and has me on these anti-depressants. A big part of the problem is having a 14 yr old kid in my life. I cant seem to deal with her. She,s a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement that makes me cringe. She didnt want to move outta Connecticut and I guess she blames me for that. Even though her mother made that choice. She still calls her father over every little thing and for some reason believes that her parents are gonna reconcile .Spoiled? She went to Sweden this summer (Jeannie paid ) she spends weekends down the jersey shore, and asks for a ride to places that she should be walking to. Her mother,I guess outta a sense of guilt gives in to all the shxt she asks for--from Iphones to special dinners when she doesnt like what is on the stove. All this would be easier to deal with if I saw an effort to help around the house. She doesnt take out any garbage, she doesnt clean her room unless until I tell her 100 times. She never eats in the kitchen,,she takes everything in the bedroom. All this (and soo much more) is making me crazy. I get very little help from her mother . Hell, instead of emptying the dishwasher ,she,ll just use new dishes and pile then up in the sink till me or her mother takes care of it. . .Yet whenever she needs $$$ she gets handed it no problem. She needed 600 bucks for a soccer travel team..no problem. I know Jeannie feels guilty about the yrs her daughter grew up in. Years of no money,yrs of a welfare type existence but for cripes sakes this kid still plays on that sh8t to get her way. She was born into a very wealthy situation,,then her mother and father split,,so things changed...- They are never gonna be the same- ---- So why is it that I have to be in theropy ,,and I have to see a shrink to make this work?? What about her??? OK- thats more than enuff about her... probably too much. Like I said ,Im anticipating times to get rough again.When this project ends, the 2500.00 a week ck (130,000$$ a year) will be all over. ((If anyone wondered how I supported a HUGE dope habit...read again...) Yeah,I got away with it and cant feel any worse.........No one ever found out as I covered my tracks(no pun intended ) and always had a reason why money was being spent (car, gas ,doctor appoints,shopping bills ,altered receipts ,,etc,,,, ,you get it..I was a real scamming pc of sh8t t) if I didnt get on the klinic I would've been exposed very soon) She rarely to never looked over the bank documents that came in every month--or went online to check withdrawals or deposits or I wouldve had some kind of explaining to do?! Anyway this is gonna be a huge hit!!!- - Hell, it took me 3 weeks to make what Jeannie made in one. Now because of all my maladies I dont think I can even work anymore....its gonna be very , very tough to remain focused, & grateful for what we do have . She is sending out resumes everyday, on linked in everyday, using every source there is..so maybe something will click - I try to tell her not to worry about the HUGE paycheck ,just find something that you like to do. At this point in our lifes - it really shouldn't be about the money. To much stress,and pressure. Find something to do that you like...that you have a passion for. I dont think her passion was being a project manager for Reuters (International news agency) - - Ive been rich and Ive been poor- -although Im not gonna tell anybody that rich isnt better...it doesnt make you happy. Ive learned that although having money makes things easier,it doesnt make things happier. Ive been my happiest when I didnt have much money . The main difference about being rich and being just able to get by , is not so much in lifestyle, but in security. The rich have the comfort of no matter what happens ,on their bad days, they can sleep in a big king bed and not have to worry about tomorrow. The struggling, will always be concerned with shelter, food and clothing, . This stress is very unhealthy OK I dont know how I got into all that..but now you people have an idea of where Im standing. With a teenage girl that I resent,and a girlfriend ,that although I do love her is more uptown then I could ever be. These two parts of my life need to be dealt with honestly -things need to be balanced So back to the klinic>> I went yesterday afternoon to a psychiatric center. The place is kinda like a fast food medical center. All medical problems can be taken care of under the same roof for 225$$ (or medicaid) . I needed clonopin so I could stay on the klinic without a problem,,and she prescribed them. I also have a long history with them ,so its not like she had an electric pen and sais "just tell me what you want?" - - So I had to bring them in to the klinic this morning so they could count them. At the end of the month they recount them to make sure you still have what your supposed to at that point. I know your saying " gee Its not hard to get over if you want "and your right but you probably shouldn't . Now O just have to stay clean from heroin a few more days and it will be out of my system. Then I can begin to work on getting take home bottles and basically start to get myself back to where I was 2& 1/2 yrs ago, I had 13 take homes at 1 point. Alright thats enough...I feel like I just wENT thru a therapy session.. Whether anyone reads this or not I dont care , I feel a bit better getting some of this sh7t off my chest. thanks- peace&respect jack This post has been edited by jackofhartzz on August 8, 2014, 12:24 PM -------------------- "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." — Hunter S. Thompson[COLOR=blue] | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: August 8, 2014, 6:42 PM
Hey kid,
Thanks for sharing, its just as I was imagining what you were going thru, minus the brat child and the easy $. I am sure the guilt you were feeling about what you were doing did a number on you too, altho getting well every day had to be your first priority in the end. Jeannie's daughter sounds like my GS a bit, messy room, and wanting to eat in her room. Mom is doing a big disservice to her but I know its hard to say no. I don't judge you at what you went thru, everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know why. The important thing is that you are back on track and doing Ok. I've really missed talking to you and I am sorry I didn't write you more often, had a few things happen here too, I'll email you later about that. So, just put one foot in front of the other my friend and before you now it you will be back where you want to be. Hey, you didn't go to jail or anything, lucky for you. Again, I am SO HAPPY and relieved you are OK and I cant wait till you get back to be around more. love ya, granny -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
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Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: August 10, 2014, 4:33 PM
Hey there girl,
I was over on another message board and I came across your daily "thanks for being sober today" writings. Wow, it is so cool to read!!! I wish we had some of your writings in the methadone page, going to NA or AA meetings daily is one sure fire way to help someone stay clean. Very inspirational and a good way for recovering addicts to see what kind of work it takes to stay clean and while it doesn't take up much of your time it IS a necessity if you want to live a life free from drugs and/or alcohol. Thanks for all you do!!! granny -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
Posts: 6750
Joined: September 15, 2005
Posted: August 11, 2014, 3:14 PM
f*** Jack--you are a fighter--Your 57? god willing I soon will turn 52 as I am going in for one or two procedures so if they kill me-keep guess 51 will be the end-LOL--
North N.J? U know Bergen County? Passaic---Jersey and NY my stomping grounds -? Anyway just read your therapy session--question for you Jack--I have been going to a psychologist to study about cognitive therapy and other types of anxiety ala mediation --It helps man google it FREE--It took me about 5 months but man I get 5-6 hours a day where I used to get 5 minutes--a lot has to do with detoxing started Nov 12th 2013 so its almost 9 months--man feel a lot better-- All I can tell you is your honest and whatever you feel is best methadone etc you do it--I went C/T in nov 2013 and have been in and out of doctors since then-Its a bummer but I have a lot of health issues but one disease for today anyway is I am sober-- Nobody has ever been in your shoes but I just can tell by reading your posts for a decade your a fighter--and we never give up man-- Jack I forget if your a Giant fan think you are if not get on our bandwagon man--Ya never know with the NFL- Hang in there and let us know how your doing--Enjoy the rest of your day---Jeffrey -------------------- It is Just Not worth it. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the puck happened." One Day At A Time | ||
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