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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: March 23, 2010, 8:19 PM
Today is day three of going onto Suboxone treatment for heroin addiction. Wow. I am addicted to heroin. I have no idea how I got here, except that my life was pulled out from underneath me last year like a tablecloth stripped off a fully loaded table.
It's only been three days. Two days, actually, clean. Because I had to have some early Monday morning, the day I went to see the dr and get my first dose. How I wish I had saved some. Sometimes. Other times I'm glad I have none left. Because if it was there it would play with my mind. But how I want it. And it's only day three. My little private friend is crying quietly in the corner of my mind, trying to tell me how I'm betraying them after they have been so faithful to me. But I want life. I want kids. I want a husband again. I want to be a wife. I would like to have family and friends once more. And maybe to find somewhere, a person that I could live with being. | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: March 24, 2010, 8:51 PM
Today I'm a mixture of feelings. Of wanting to just turn around and run back to oblivion, that insidious oblivion that whispers my name. Of wanting my life back. I'm feeling gooooooood after my dose today, almost like I've had a shot five hours ago, just a comfortable feeling. But I miss the needle so bad, the little jerk back and the plunge. It's tempting just to shoot water, but I know it will just make me feel worse.
Yesterday I realised my handbag was probably still a junkie handbag. So last night I cleaned it out when I got home. There were two dirty fits, a clean one, cotton balls, and water. Just missing the spoon and gear! There is a heaviness about me from the idea that I'm never having heroin again. Never have that to look forward to again. When I used to enjoy looking forward to it every few hours or so. It's important for me to have something to do as soon as I get home. It's a very triggering time for me and when I want to use the most. Yesterday I coloured my hair when we got home which was a great distraction. I feel stupid talking about this stuff. Like it's a world I don't belong in or with or to. I walk down the path to the dosing clinic feeling like I should be one of the nurses, not a junkie getting their daily dose. I remember Mum mentioning people getting their daily methadone at the chemist and have vague memories of thinking about homeless people. Not ever dreaming I'd ever be one of them. In another way, I feel like I don't belong to the real world anymore. And that now the real world involves getting smashed on heroin every day, at least enough to feel comfortable with myself again. And that those people I know in that world would really truly look after me and they really truly understand in a way that straight people just don't and never could. I need to get myself to some counselling. I need to be able to talk all of this stuff out to someone who will listen and whose life I don't destroy if I say I want a shot. And I want a shot. | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: March 25, 2010, 9:10 PM
Another day. Fifth day dosing, but I swallowed it when they weren't watching. I want to score tomorrow while Sammy's at work, but I haven't quite made the decision to and I don't know if it would work anyway. I wish I had left a fit in my bag so I could shoot some water and hopefully make myself feel better that way. Just getting so choked without it. Like the more days I go without it, the more it yells at me to come and get it.
I don't want to eat and I really want to cut, too. All of everything is coming back to haunt me if it can. Can someone just take my brain out and replace it with something else? I don't want a brain anymore! I'm at work and it's all I can think about. Heroin, sweet heroin. | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: March 28, 2010, 9:36 PM
Lapse day today and I'm feeling much better and keen to dose again now. I'm sitting at my desk at work feeling quite comfortable for the first time in ages, except that I am on the nod a little which wasn't the plan. I have a little left over which I'll save for as long as possible before using. My guy was over the moon because I halved the deal with him which was very generous and he gave me a couple of cones as thanks.
Only hurdle I need to get past is dosing this afternoon because Sammy thinks that I dosed this morning but I've already thought up a good reason for it. Over the weekend Sammy smoked quite a few cigarettes. He says it was the weekend and he's allowed a couple, even though he has the nicotine inhalers. I said that's not fair when I'm not allowed to quit gradually but he expects to be allowed to quit gradually? What is the difference, please someone tell me! Am starting to feel guilty about deceiving Sammy. :( I'm sad that I have to work on this myself and that even though he wants to support me, sometimes he makes things worse by not trying to understand and making sweeping observations. I tried to explain to him how much sh!t I have to sort out from last year. What happened with Asher (ex-husband) on that night was terrible and has scarred me in a way. I think it was after that that I really turned to drugs. I don't know. But I know I need to go to some counselling to talk about all of this stuff and get it out. Because otherwise I'll never overcome this addiction and its hold over me. | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: March 29, 2010, 11:55 PM
So I'm sitting here, not even one day clean again. But I feel so much better. Like the monkey's off my back for a little while and I'm having a breather. I know in a few days the pressure will build again and when it does I'm ready for it.
Sammy came in with me to see the doctor yesterday. The doctor said that he felt sorry for Sammy being my parter, because he's a non-user, and said it's going to be really hard for him. He needs to get some support because I'm his only support which puts even more pressure on me. Sammy says that when I've been clean for six months, I'm emotionally stable (which I am not at the moment) we will buy it every couple of weeks and smoke it together. I don't want him having it, but he doesn't reckon he'd like it. He likes cocaine and other party drugs which I've never had. And if I have it again after six months I won't want to smoke it, I'd want to shoot it, so I'd have to change his mind about that or do it behind his back I guess. :( Junkie brain, junkie mind. I've never been a liar, a cheater, a thief, an untrustable until I became addicted to heroin. I should call myself the Deceiver. Innocent, naive, trusting blue-eyed deceiver. That's me. I still know everything and nothing about the world into which I've fallen. What I don't get is this: Sammy hates T because he supplies my drugs and says he will kill him if he gives me drugs again. But wouldn't he rather me get them through T who cares about my welfare and looks after me rather than me hitting the streets and then getting screwed or worse? Because I'm worried that's what I'd do if I had to. | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: April 1, 2010, 12:30 AM
Cross-posted from the Heroin board.
Yesterday was a day and a half in one. I went to score at lunch time and my boyfriend had quit work especially to come and see if I was scoring. He caught me, of course, but before I scored. I'd been waiting for my guy to hurry up and have his shot from the last dude he got on for. Waiting waiting waiting, seeing two junkies shooting up in front of me. Only for Sam to turn up at the exact worst minute and stop me from getting my shot. :( He was so enraged he was shaking, seething with anger. He would have gone to send my guy to hospital if I hadn't said he wasn't going to score for me and he'd said no to me. I was dragged to the clinic to get my dose. I was sitting in the waiting area, bawling my eyes out when one of the nurses came to see what was wrong. She got me in to see the doctor who put my prescription up from a maximum of 16mg Suboxone to a maximum of 24mg. I swallowed yesterday's dose still wanting to get on today, but I had the dose this morning. The doctor said I shouldn't be craving it like I have been. I have to say that today I feel like I've had something and I'm not craving a shot anymore. After the doctor they found a counsellor to talk to me and Sam which was good for both of us, even though we were both still extremely upset. Talked about the stages of recovery and where relapse fits in that, along with a lot of other things. So much agony and heartache. It's all my fault who is causing all of this stress. I wish Sam didn't care as much so he didn't hurt as much, but on the other hand it is good to see how much he loves me, and I love him so much that I do want to get clean. But still there's a part of me that craves gear big-time. The problem with me is that I cannot identify anything in my past to make me hate myself the way that I do. I have a wonderful family with great parents who have always loved and cared for me. I have had constant rejection from friends throughout the years, but I'm not sure whether that's been any more than the next person. I feel a lot of pressure to always do the right thing, but fall short constantly and have always been the black sheep of the family. I endured 10 months of workplace bullying just over a year ago which really brought me down into bad depression again which hadn't been an issue for the past few years when I was happily married. The other girl who was bullied along with me has been in and out of the psych ward since, so it's no joke. I have been trying to gather the energy to take my employer to court for worker's compensation but am not sure whether that's healthy for me at the moment. This has taken me all day at work to write because I've been constantly interrupted, so I think I'd better just post it and come back another time. Thanks for listening to me ramble.... | ||
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Posts: 201
Joined: March 22, 2010
Posted: April 3, 2010, 3:38 AM
Happy Easter journal....
How I wish I could have spent this lovely weekend with my perfect friend, but it is not to be. I had my 24mg dose this morning because I said to the nurse, "Am I still supposed to feel like a truck's run over me every morning?" I'm worried about how high the dosage is. Sam was only ever on 16mg and he used to use more than I ever did?? But I'm still waking up every morning hanging out and wanting to score. We've been doing some work around the house over this long weekend because we've got a house inspection on Thursday. I called my parents tonight which went well and Sammy got to talk to Dad and tell him about the plans about the house (as long as I'm clean). I won't tell my parents about my drug addiction until I've been fully, confidently clean for 6-12 months at least. Until it's not an issue anymore. Yesterday I went around to Asher's to sort out some financial things. He is happy in going halves as long as the house is only valued at $360k which was the value nearly three years ago now. So we need to get it revalued and get the mortgage sorted out with the bank. Hopefully I can leave it to Asher to organise all of this because it's all to do with him seeing as he's wanting to buy me out. Sammy's waiting for me for dinner so I'm going to go for now.... | ||
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